Honor

by Jay Crownover

  I claimed him.

  I understood him.

  I earned him.

  I loved him.

  There was no getting around the fact anymore. It wasn’t fear or the magnetism that pulled us together that I couldn’t escape. It was love, obsession, maybe even fate and purpose that tied us together. It was all around me, all inside of me, and it was all him. It had always been him.

  “Get out of this house and don’t come back. If you make me tell Nassir what happened here tonight, falling down the stairs and getting a broken nose will seem like child’s play.”

  That was a threat that finally got through to her. The idea of him being the one to send her away, of him casting her aside for what had happened tonight, was what had her fleeing into the night. When Nassir got home I was going to have to ask him what the girl’s backstory was because it must’ve been pretty bad for that to be what finally got through to her. Without another word, she spun on her heel and left without bothering to close the front door behind her.

  I winced as my head continued to let me know it had taken a thorough pounding. I walked across the living room to shut the door, but as soon as I got there I was almost run over by yet another dark-haired beauty as she came flying through the entrance.

  Reeve was already talking a mile a minute and her hands were waving in the air like she was conducting an invisible symphony. She was talking so fast I could only make out every other word. I heard “Titus,” “asshole,” “jerk face,” and “I’ll show him.” She stomped into the house and looked like she was going to make her way to the kitchen when the blood smeared across the wall and floor brought her up short.

  “What happened?”

  I rubbed my forehead. “Reeve, how did you get up to the house? Nassir’s guards don’t let anyone through the gates.”

  “I’m pregnant and pissed off. I told the guy at the gate that if he didn’t let me in I was going to call Nassir and tell him that he made me cry. He waffled for a minute but another car was coming out so he had to open the gate up anyways. I just drove through. Are you okay? What happened here?”

  I followed her into the kitchen and took some ice out of the freezer to wrap up in a towel and put on the back of my head where my skull had smacked across the housekeeper’s face.

  “What are you doing here, Reeve? Does Titus know where you’re at? If he comes looking for you and Nassir comes home and finds the cop here, it isn’t going to be pretty for any of us after what went down at the club today.” I didn’t want to try to explain what had happneed with the housekeeper. It was going to be complicated enough telling Nassir the girl had to go without him resorting to drastic measures to get rid of her.

  She walked around me, pulled open the fridge, and dug around until she found one of Nassir’s bottles of water and an apple.

  “That’s why I’m here. I was so mad at Titus when he told me about the raid on the club. We got into a huge fight and we both said some pretty nasty things. I had to leave before it got worse. I told him I was coming to see you, but that doesn’t mean he still won’t show up. Overprotective idiot.”

  She did sound annoyed but her voice couldn’t help but soften when she talked about her hot cop.

  “Were you mad that he conducted the raid without telling you?”

  She shook her head. “No, I mean he has to do his job. I don’t always love it and sometimes I don’t agree with how black and white he tends to be, but I love him, so that means I love everything about him. I don’t get to pick and choose which parts I love. I was furious he didn’t tell me because he thought I would tell Nassir. I love my job and I like working for him, but I’d never put him before the father of my child.”

  Her dark eyebrows knitted. “It hurt my feelings that Titus would question my loyalty like that.”

  Her teeth snapped into the apple and the crunch made me cringe. This headache felt like it was going to overrun my entire body. It was weird to be having this conversation with Reeve. Not too long ago I had been the girl flatly declaring that she wasn’t good enough for the sexy detective. That had also resulted in a tussle, but Reeve was from the streets and actually knew how to throw a punch.

  “Maybe he just wanted to keep you from having to make that choice. I mean he knows you love your job and he doesn’t say much about the fact that you get your paycheck from a crime lord. Maybe he didn’t want you to be caught between him and Nassir.” Nassir liked having Reeve in charge of the club, but he didn’t do anything without expecting something in return. He would’ve been annoyed to learn that she knew about Titus and the police raid without giving him some kind of heads-up. I wasn’t sure he would take it as far as firing her or taking the strip club out of her hands, but I knew him well enough not to put anything past him.

  She heaved a deep sigh and propped her chin on her hands. “He needs to give me the opportunity to show him I will always do right by him. I feel like he never even gives me an opportunity to screw up anymore.”

  I laughed but it turned into a groan. “Isn’t that a good thing? Didn’t you used to have screwing up down to an art form?”

  Her dark blue eyes sparked with mischief. “But I know better now.”

  I put both of my hands on my temples and rubbed small circles. “How do you handle knowing your man is out there on the streets every day with a countless number of people trying to hurt him or worse? Every time he leaves the house, how do you not cling to him and try to make him stay? Especially now with a baby on the way. Don’t you constantly worry about what you’re going to do if something happens to him?” I was still so worried about letting Nassir have everything I was, and then being left alone when he was gone.

  She blinked a little bit at my change of topic and tilted her head so that she was looking at me thoughtfully.

  “You can’t think that way. All you can do is love him the best you can while you’ve got him so that he has something extra important to come home to. Titus has always been pretty careful, but think about what Dovie goes through with Bax, or what Brysen has to go through wondering if Race is going to go up against someone determined not to pay their debt. All we can do is worry and waste time trying to control things that are out of our hands. These men we love . . .” She gave her head a little shake and a soft smile tilted up the edges of her mouth. “They should come with clear warning labels. Not that it would matter because our hearts wouldn’t pay attention anyway.”

  I sighed and bent forward so I could rest my forehead on the cool marble surface of the island. “I’ve always worried about Nassir in a different way, but now that I’m letting myself love him, that worry feels like it might consume me.”

  “It’s good to be scared. It keeps you careful, and with a guy like Nassir, being careful is the only way to be. It never gets easier because this place we all call home never gets easier.”

  “I guess if I wanted easy I would’ve just stayed in Denver.” I lifted my head and gave her a wide-eyed look as my musings from earlier pushed their way back to the forefront of my mind. “Speaking of Denver, do you think that if there was a clear-cut way for people—I mean mostly the girls on the streets . . . if there was a way for them to get out of the Point and to experience life somewhere like Denver, they would take it? I mean it didn’t work for me and it didn’t work for you, but that’s because too much of this place is inside of us.”

  She snorted a little and put her hand on her rounded belly. “Like an underground railroad for ex-strippers and hookers? You’re going to help them find their way to freedom?”

  I scowled at her because I didn’t think the idea was a laughing matter. “Why not? No one was ever around to offer us a way out when we could’ve used one. Why can’t I be the person there holding the door open to a better life?”

  As Reeve realized that I was serious, some of the mirth dropped from her face and a genuine smile pulled at her lips. “There’s no one those kind of girls would trust more than you. If you think you can make a difference, if you think
this is your something more, then I say go for it. You can be like a fairy godmother, only instead of a wand, you come equipped with thousand-dollar heels.”

  That made me laugh, which in turn made my head throb. “I don’t know about that, but I used to think that maybe just a better club for the dancers was enough, or a different way for them to make money. Now I’m thinking bigger and farther away from my own back door. I would have loved to make Denver work but it never felt like home. That opportunity should be given to someone that would appreciate it.”

  She hummed in agreement and pushed away from the counter. “I can ask around and see what the girls at the club think. Some will never leave but I bet there are a few that would jump at the chance to live a different kind of life. I’m gonna go before Titus loses his patience and storms the castle. Thank you for making me see that his boneheaded actions were actually pretty sweet. Boys can be so dumb sometimes.”

  “No problem. Thank you for making me see that love has to be more powerful than fear. It’s something I’ll have to try to work on.”

  “It takes a brave woman to love the kind of men we love, Key, but they have to be just as brave to love us back. We’re out on the same streets they are. We’re fighting the same fight. It’s just as scary for them to lose one of us because of this life. That’s why they work to make it better as hard as they do. Remember that.”

  She gave me a hug good-bye, and it made me smile when her baby belly pressed into me. After she was gone I went to work cleaning up the mess the other brunette had caused in the living room. The task took longer than it should have since my ears were ringing and my head was still throbbing in time to my heartbeat, but I got everything looking all shiny and back to its original pristine condition.

  I went back up to the master suite to find Nassir’s stash of painkillers for my head and I was surprised that when I picked up my phone I had several missed messages from the man I was purposely trying not to worry myself sick over.

  This music is awful.

  Why don’t these punk kids shower?

  What are you doing and why aren’t you answering me?

  You better be in my bed thinking about me.

  I see the kid I’ve been looking for. I’ll be back soon. Be ready for me.

  I bit my lip as a warm fuzzy feeling started to swirl around inside of me. The last message came only a few minutes ago but it made my heart flutter to know that I was on his mind while he was out in the big bad world doing big bad things. I was going to love him hard enough that he would always try his best to get back home in one piece.

  I will always be ready for you.

  It had taken a while to get there, but I was confident enough in myself and in him to know that this was true.

  Chapter 16

  Nassir

  I was trying really hard not to touch anything or to brush up against any of the kids filling the dingy little club. I was used to dark and dank places. I was used to filth and grime, but there was something about all these kids milling about with unwashed bodies and spiked-up hair, when they all clearly originated from the suburbs, that somehow made the environment of the dive bar seem extra revolting. On top of the dirty bodies and the suspicious looks that kept getting cast my way, the blast of angry guitars and wailing from the emaciated-looking singer on the tiny stage were enough to have my ears bleeding. I distracted myself by texting Key and was annoyed even further by her lack of response. With the club closed so we could dry it out and repair the pipes, I knew she was at the house and couldn’t figure out why she was ignoring me unless it was just to be contrary. She didn’t love it that I refused to give her a play-by-play of my actions or that it had to be that way for her own good and my peace of mind.

  I could think of a hundred and one places I would rather be, and just as I was about to give up thinking that maybe Noe’s information had been dated and that maybe the elusive Squirrel had hopped a train out of town, I caught sight of a young man coming out of the bathroom at the back of the bar. He was rubbing the back of his hand across his face and the way his nose was twitching not only told me that he was probably high as a kite from doing rails in the bathroom, but made him look even more like the animal he was nicknamed after. The kid had dreadlocks and a vest covered in rivets and studs, making him look like a caricature of a punk rocker, and he was oblivious to my approach as I wound my way through thrashing bodies and tried to tune out the antiestablishment battle cry coming from the stage.

  I was getting hard, side-eyed looks and I heard the words “cop” and “narc” whispered loudly by more than one clueless child. I don’t know how anyone, even the young and innocent, could ever mistake me for one of the good guys, but as long as they moved out of my way and let me get at my target, I didn’t bother to correct them.

  When I reached Squirrel he was wildly bobbing his head up and down to a beat that had nothing to do with the noise coming from the band. His pupils were dilated so big that his eyes looked like shiny, black doll eyes and his mouth was twitching excitedly like he couldn’t control it. He was waving his hands in the air over his head and I think maybe he was trying to sing along with the band, but really it just amounted to him screaming nonsense at the top of his lungs.

  I fought down the urge to smack him across the face for his sheer silliness and instead put a hand in the center of his chest and pushed him backward. He was so messed up that he lost his balance and tipped over onto his backside on the dirty bar floor.

  “Hey!” His outrage was given fuel by the drugs in his system and a couple of the other grungy, crazy-haired kids stopped their partying to take offense at the fact that one of their own was being pushed around.

  I heard muttering and felt the attention shift to what was happening between me and the gutter punk, so I reached out a hand, which the kid took, to help him to his feet.

  Stupid.

  Once I had his wrist clasped in my hand, I yanked it around the front of his body, spinning him around so that his back was to my front and my hand wrapped fully and firmly around his throat. I moved the kid toward the doors that led to the back alley off the side of the bar. I heard him wheezing and saw the edge of his very puffy cheeks already starting to turn bright red from a lack of oxygen.

  “If you struggle it just makes things worse. I just want to talk to you.” I had my fingers tight enough to feel the air trapped in his lungs. Fingers clawed at my hand but I just kept moving the kid through the doors, and once we were outside, I backed him into the brick wall and held him there. I narrowed my eyes and told him, “Listen Squirrel, I have questions and you have the answers. You tell me what I want to know and I go away and you can go back to doing blow and acting like an idiot. Sound like a plan?”

  I released his throat, which had him folded over and coughing dramatically. I curled my lip up in distaste and crossed my arms over my chest. First a disgusting club and now a repugnant and grotesque back alley. I was really glad I had left the designer duds at home for this outing. As if to validate that thought, at that moment a big, well-fed rat ran right between me and the kid with a squeak of alarm.

  “You a cop?” The kid gasped the word out and his chubby cheeks started to fill as he struggled to suck in air.

  Impatient, I snapped, “Do I look like a fucking cop?”

  The kid let his head roll against the wall behind him and lifted filthy fingers to stroke at the circle of red marks I left around his neck.

  “What do you want, dude?”

  Dude? Was this kid for real? No one called me dude. I took a step closer to him. “I’m looking for a friend of yours. A kid named Tyler, and I need to find him tonight.”

  Even as hyped up on drugs as he was, I saw the recognition flash in the kid’s blown-out gaze. His mouth started twitching and he began trying to slide along the wall like I wouldn’t notice him moving away from me. The metal studs on his vest scraped noisily as he shifted and I didn’t even bother to negotiate or barter.

  I pulled my fist back and cl
ocked the young man right in the nose. With the wall of the building behind him, his head didn’t have anywhere to go, so his skull bounced off the bricks as his eyes crossed and his nose started to bleed from the blow. I didn’t hit him hard enough to break anything, but if he didn’t get it together in the next minute or so, that would change.

  “You know the kid. I need to find him and I want to know his real last name. You helped him get a job in my club. I can hold you responsible for all the shit he fucked up.”

  The kid held up his hands in front of him and started to shake his head. “That was Noe! She got him the ID. I just introduced them. Tyler was in a tough spot. I wanted to help.”

  “What’s his real name?” I shook my hand out and the kid watched my move warily.

  “Tyler French.”

  I frowned because the name didn’t immediately ring any bells. It was disappointing. I thought once I had a name, a clear line between who the kid was and whatever reason I had given him to mess with me would be clear, but I ended up with nothing.

  “Why does he have it in for me?” I let my fingers clench into a loose fist and the kid gulped. He lifted his hand to wipe his bloody nose and cringed when he came away with blood on his arm.

  “I don’t know. He wanted a job at the club really bad and that was all he said. Tyler’s life is shit. His dad is a freak, one of those people that can’t get rid of anything—ever. So he grew up in a junky house that was the worst on the block in a bad neighborhood. The old man was rough on him, really rough, so I wasn’t surprised when he said he needed money to get out.”

  The kid shifted again and his eyes looked away from me and then back at me.