How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items

by Jason Offutt

  Things You Should Have in the Garage

  Car: Okay, let’s say you’re driving down the street and you see a person who looks exactly like you. This person’s the same height, same build, same face, same gait, and is wearing the same clothing you’re wearing RIGHT NOW. What are you going to do? Wave? Keep heading toward home although it’s only a couple of blocks away and he’s walking in the same direction? Call the cops? Or do you consider the raging metal death machine you’re in and drive him over? Yeah, do that one. Car washes are cheap.

  Bladed weapons: I keep a machete in my car for two reasons. One, in case I run into a monster, like a zombie, gnome, or my evil twin. Two, a dude with a machete looks crazy as hell. To look even crazier, grow a Fu Manchu mustache. It’s really easy to avoid people collecting money for charity at stoplights that way, no matter how lame your car is. Bladed weapons have been around since people learned it’s much more effective to kill by swinging something sharp than it is swinging a dead chicken. Go to the nearest Renaissance Festival and buy a sword. Nerds are good for something.

  Things You Can Rely on Outside

  Amusement park rides: Although it might be hard to coax your evil twin to an amusement park, it will have amazing results. People die at amusement parks all the time. Just a little push from a tampered-with safety device on a ride turning insanely fast and … splat. End of evil twin problem. And when the cops show up at the house to tell your wife you died on the Tilt-A-Whirl, just look at them and say, “Hey, I’m trying to watch Jeopardy! here.”

  Behavior of the Evil Twin While You’re Trying to Kill It

  Anyone who’s ever watched a science fiction TV show knows the answer to this question. The evil twin will try to convince someone watching you two square off that it is you, that you are it, and they’re a complete dipshit for not realizing it. The evil twin will lie, cry, beg, then wrestle with you until a loved one has to make a decision on which one to shoot. I’ve seen Captain Kirk do this at least twice, and he lived because Spock’s finger was on the trigger. Don’t give your evil twin this opportunity. On TV, after a prolonged fight scene and dramatic music, the good twin wins. Unfortunately, unlike TV, in real life the evil twin always wins. This is because the evil twin is evil. It cheats. If you’re the good twin, don’t place your fate into the hands of a loved one who has to make a judgment call without Spock’s benefit of deep down not really giving a shit. They’ll mess it up. Just shoot the stupid thing.

  Disposing of the Body

  Since this evil twin is technically you, there shouldn’t be a legal problem if you’re caught with a body that has the same fingerprints, DNA, and appendix scar as you. This is because, scientifically, that body can’t exist. It’s you; and how can you be legally responsible for your own death, especially if you’re still alive? But cops frown on dead bodies. If a cop finds you dragging a bloody corpse with a crushed chest down an alley, he’ll probably ask a few questions, such as, “Is your friend okay?” “Why isn’t he breathing?” and “Oh, shit, are you an evil twin from another universe? Hold it right there.” So disposal of a human body, even one you technically shouldn’t be liable for, is a bit dicey. And that’s the best way to dispose of it—by dicing. Chop your evil twin into tiny pieces of unrecognizable meat and toss little bits over the fence at night to the neighbor’s dog. Don’t worry about the dog developing a taste for human flesh. I mean, it’s not like it’s your dog.

  Dr. Ray Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.

  EPA Inspector Walter Peck: They caused an explosion.

  Mayor: Is this true?

  Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes it's true. This man has no dick.

  --Ghost Busters, 1984

  Chapter 13: Donating to the Monster Killer Defense Fund

  One of the problems with defending mankind from the destructive evil of monsters—apart from the chance of experiencing a horrible, bloody death at the teeth of a werewolf or the Uzi of a killer robot—is the fact that no one appreciates your sacrifice. Sure, a damsel in distress may give you her telephone number, but fat chance her picking up your call once the heart of a maiden-hungry dragon stops beating. Love for you is fleeting—especially when it comes to law enforcement. The second biggest danger involved in monster hunting comes after you’ve tracked and slaughtered your prey and the authorities step in to find out who beheaded Sacha Baron Cohen. Hey, you saved a busload of Boy Scouts on a camping trip from being eaten by a Bigfoot, and rotting in Leavenworth is the thanks you get? Federal agents have no sense of decency. That’s why it’s important to know three things: 1) your rights as a monster hunter, 2) your chances in court, and 3) an escape route in case everything goes to shit.

  Why a Monster Killer Might Need Legal Defense

  In the course of ridding the planet of vampires, rampaging dinosaurs, zombies, and space aliens, someone is going to sue you. In the past ten years, a Michigan Bud Light drinker sued Anheuser-Busch for not supplying beautiful women in tropical settings like in the commercials, the Turkish town of Batman sued The Dark Knight director Christopher Nolan and Warner Bros. for copyright infringement, and Durango, Colorado, residents sued two local teenagers who thought it would be nice to deliver homemade cookies around the neighborhood. If these people can be sued for those reasons, sticking a knife in the heart of a demonic clown is probably going to draw some negative attention.

  So what do you do? If you’re killing monsters, something’s going to get broken, and somebody’s going to get hurt. When killing raging beasts, monster hunters have to be well armed, crafty, and fearless. And, when cleaning up afterward, you have to be aware of your rights.

  Your Rights as a Monster Hunter

  The Second Amendment is your friend. Part of the Bill of Rights, ratified into the United States Constitution on December 15, 1791, the Second Amendment says: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” Although the Second Amendment has faced many challenges, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in District of Columbia v. Heller (2008) that the Second Amendment protects an individual’s rights to possess firearms and to use them for self-defense and to protect the home. Many monster attacks occur within our homes, so a well-armed home is the right of any American, especially those in areas with high concentrations of vampires, such as Detroit. The right to bear arms is bolstered by the Castle Doctrine, adopted by 24 states[2], that designates a residence—in some states this includes your car, workplace, and recreational vehicle—as an area where you are not only protected against trespassing and violent attack, you have the right to use deadly force to protect yourself. It’s because of the Castle Doctrine I rarely get trick or treaters … anymore.

  However, well-armed monster hunters need to regard their state’s laws involving specific weapons. For example, crossbows. Although it’s legal to own a crossbow in all fifty states, they’re illegal to shoot in Oregon, and only legal to use with a permit in most other states to hunt game. Unless you live in Georgia, of course, then you can use a crossbow to shoot feral hogs, and zombies willy-nilly. When employing non-traditional weapons, such as the flexible chuttuval sword of India, the Swiss halberd, or the Klingon D’k Tahg, find out if these weapons are legal where you live. If they’re not, just pick up a gun, and shoot something.

  Breaking the Law

  When saving the world from creatures of the dark, some laws are going to be broken. You might chase a werewolf onto private property, drive recklessly, or burn down a house or maybe an entire business district. It happens. But what should you do when it happens? Let’s look at your legal rights.

  Trespassing

  Monsters don’t stand still. Sure, a gnome might skitter through your living room, fix a few shoes, grab your last beer, eat your dog, then give you the finger, but it’s not going to stay put. If you haven’t used Chapter 11 to ready yourself for these wee little fair beasties, you might have trouble
killing them in your home, and have to chase them outside, probably while you’re holding a can of hair spray and a cigarette lighter screaming about whitey. The point is, gnomes will seek out their own, who are right now standing beneath nearby bushes smiling like they just pulled the toy out of a Happy Meal. Gnomes are evil. Don’t let them fool you. Crush them. Crush them all. Unfortunately, you’ll crush them in someone else’s yard. You just trespassed. This sort of thing happens when you’re chasing monsters.

  Policeman: You’re in a lot of trouble.

  You: Look, officer. This vampire jumped a fence and ran into the city park where I shot it with a crossbow, and set it on fire. I’m really sorry about the gazebo.

  Policeman: The mayor’s furious.

  You: I realize the municipal band was going to play there during the Veteran’s Day picnic, but I had to weigh civic pride against dark evil, a hotdog-filled afternoon against ridding the world of a murdering monster, “You're a Grand Old Flag” against “Highway to Hell.” You know what I mean?

  No. Police never do. They see trespassers as offenders, and most probably recidivists. So as monster hunters, we need to be cognizant of local trespassing laws.

  Destruction of Property

  When dealing with monsters, and I mean big monsters, you’re probably going to break other people’s stuff. Chasing a dragon out of your living room and into the neighbor’s yard isn’t really a smooth transition. There are going to be ruts across yards and crushed garages. But things also get broken when dealing with smaller monsters, such as witches. Note: Don’t mess with witches. They call the cops.

  Unprovoked flight

  Running from a burning house, one you’ve torched yourself after trapping a space alien up to its knees in concrete, is fine. Running from a police officer who shows up at the burning house is not. Courts have ruled that although “unprovoked flight” from the police doesn’t mean you’re guilty of anything, it sure looks like you are. In the case of Illinois v. Wardlow (2000), the Supreme Court ruled police have the right to stop anyone running from them regardless of reasonable suspicion.

  Killing an Endangered Species

  The Endangered Species Act of 1973 states, “No federal agency may authorize, fund or carry out any action likely to threaten or harm the existence of an endangered/threatened species (or harm their habitat).” The act also forbids American citizens from killing one of these endangered/threatened species and imposes a fine of up to $50,000 and/or a year in prison if you do. Unfortunately, there are some legally protected monsters:

  • Champ, water monster, protected in Vermont and New York.

  • Whitey, water monster, protected in Arkansas.

  • Bigfoot, protected in Skamania County, Washington.

  Monsters legally protected abroad include:

  • Migoi, Yeti, protected in Bhutan.

  • Storsjoe, water monster, protected in Sweden.

  Every other monster is fair game. However, there are environmentalists who want to extend this legal protection over all species of monsters. To place an animal on the Endangered Species List, the animal must meet one of these five criteria:

  1. There is the present or threatened destruction, modification, or curtailment of its habitat or range;

  2. An over utilization for commercial, recreational, scientific, or educational purposes;

  3. The species is declining due to disease or predation;

  4. There is an inadequacy of existing regulatory mechanisms; or

  5. There are other natural or manmade factors affecting its continued existence.

  The scarcity of dragons, Bigfoot, dinosaurs, and elves in our midst fits every one of these categories and makes them prime candidates for the Endangered Species List. Let’s see this never happens. Werewolf + Monster Hunter / Deadly Force = the health and safety of the world. Only you can prevent monsters.

  Murder

  Police may not give you a ticket for more than littering if you destroy a killer robot on public property, but they will use excessive force to bring you in when you take down a monster that looks as human as you do. Killing vampires, werewolves, reanimated corpses, Bigfoot, demon clowns, zombies, elves, and your evil twin will all draw more negative attention than Tiger Woods at a Focus on the Family rally. Although monster body disposal techniques at the end of each chapter are helpful, when it comes down to it, lawyers solve a lot of problems. Or fire. Fire’s good, too. So if you’ve defended yourself, your house, your neighbor, that cute girl down the street, and your country from soul-crushing demons that, unfortunately, look like the lady who works at the DMV, and the county prosecutor is still charging you with manslaughter/arson/destruction of property/etc., hire a lawyer who looks more shifty than the guy who sold you your car.

  If you’ve tried the legal route and your attorney has advised you that you’re fucked, simply disappear. Avoid and evade the legal system as best you can. If you stop a rampaging reanimated corpse from terrorizing German villagers and, for some reason, the police don’t like it, don’t let your day in court happen—you’re going to lose.

  Have an escape route in case everything goes to shit. You have to live to defend mankind another day.

  Canada or Mexico? Pros and Cons

  You’ve done the right thing and killed a monster. Now more people are mad at you than they were the Cleavers that time the Beaver got stuck on the soup billboard. A court date is pending for your “crime” that involved taking a machete to the first wave of zombies that will one day overrun the planet. For the sake of the human race, don’t go to jail. To monsters, humans trapped in rows and rows of prison cells is a buffet. So run. If you’re going to run, run close. As a person suspected of knifing a hobo (who just happened to be the walking dead with a taste for human flesh), you’re not going to be able to hop on an airplane to Bali, although that would be awesome. You’re wanted for murder, and “wanted” means the authorities have your face stitched to the inside of their eyelids. You’re not going anywhere—unless you’re as crafty as James Bond channeling Indiana Jones who just helped Capt. Kirk deliver a baby at Seaworld. To quote that great American seer, Al Bundy, “Run. Run hard, run now, run silent, run deep. Run like Mexican water through a first time tourist, but the key word here is ‘run.’”

  That leaves for your escape route America’s two closest neighbors, Canada and Mexico. Which country you decide to hop in the Winnebago and slide off to depends on these following pros and cons:

  Canada

  Pros

  • Quality education system.

  • Reasonable cost of living.

  • Usually ranked as one of the best countries to live in behind Norway, Sweden, and other places that are in Europe and really cold.

  • Really nice people who love beer.

  • Light traffic. Outside Toronto, a Canadian “traffic problem” implies a moose on the road.

  • Is as non-offensive as margarine commercial.

  Cons

  • Weather. It’s known as the Great White North for a reason.

  • The Wendigo.

  • Canada is filled with pacifists who might want you to protect them when the monsters attack. Lock your doors, fire a few warning shots, and they’ll be on their way.

  • Canada gave us Alan Thicke and Celine Dion. Can we trust them?

  • People who aren’t embarrassed to speak French in North America live in Canada.

  • The CBC … yawn.

  Mexico

  Pros

  • Great food.

  • Great cost of living. If you can scrape up $1,200 a month, you can live like Spielberg.

  • Really nice people who love beer.

  • Cheap, quality medical care.

  • Spanish-speaking soap operas. Mexican soap opera stars are amazingly hot.

  • Your in-laws won’t visit you.

  Cons

  • Weather. This, of course, depends on where you’d live. Although the desert areas are harsh and unforgiving, it’s l
ike spring in Mexico City all year. Why the whole world doesn’t live there is a mystery. Oh, no, wait. All the poverty. Yeah, that’s not fun.

  • El chupacabra.

  • Mexico gave us Paul Rodriguez and Ricardo Montalbán. Of course, Mexico also gave us Salma Hayek, so maybe I shouldn’t complain.

  • Mexico is filled with … well, it’s not filled with many people right now. There are a number of towns on the Mexican/American border that are completely empty. You can set up a life for yourself in any of them and declare yourself king/queen/Great Gazoo of Ciudad Mier or Ciudad Nuevo Guerrero. This is because of ...

  • Drug cartels. Drug cartels are not run by people ranked on the Top Ten List of Anyone You’d Hang Out With—Ever. Seriously, ever. But don’t mention this to a drug lord—he’ll shoot you.

  • Everyone speaks Spanish really, really fast.

  Unfortunately, since both countries have an extradition agreement with the United States, it’s best to assume another identity. Names like Chef Boyardee and Nike Adidas are pretty inconspicuous.

  Donate to the Monster Killer Defense Fund

  See that bum on the sidewalk? The one with the bulge under his coat? That bulge isn’t a 40-ouncer of Olde English 800; it’s a sawed-off shotgun. This is a monster hunter stalking his prey. You can tell the difference between a monster hunter and a hobo by counting their teeth. Drop a few coins in the hat; he needs it. Ammunition is expensive. Monster hunters are generally solitary types, so you’ll rarely find them in the Yellow Pages; you’ll only meet them by chance. So if the vampire chasing you in the park suddenly catches fire and loses its head, slip $20 to the guy with the ax. He’ll appreciate it. Oh, and if you ever meet a woman named Sarah Connor, buy her a sandwich.