This Is Me...

by Sarah Ann Walker

  Helping me put on my tent-sized swing cost, Z leans in and gives me a little hug from behind. Just a little squeeze. Nothing huge or demanding. Nothing with intent or purpose. It feels like he just wanted to give me a little hug with nothing attached to it, so he did.

  When he suddenly takes my hand, I pause.

  “I'm just helping you walk. That's all, I promise. I would help any woman whose as unbelievably round as you are waddle down the hallway.” Jerk. Again. Giggle.

  “Fine.”

  When we get down to Z's car, he again helps me when I struggle to get into his Escalade. Seriously? An Escalade? Looking at him, he laughs.

  “Um, I thought the biggest car available was best for you, Suzanne.”

  “Okay… enough Z. I get it, I'm huge, but it's not my fault. I'm not really gaining weight anywhere else, well, except for my boobs and butt.” He's still laughing though. Argh... “I asked the doctor, Z. And she said the distance between the bottom of my rib cage and my hipbone was so close that this huge kid has nowhere to go, except OUT!” But he's still grinning. “Forget it. Jerk!”

  Reaching to put on my seatbelt I can barely get it, but manage somehow, only to more laughs from Z when I have to stretch it all the way out so I can put it below and above my stomach. The ASS!

  “I'm sorry, I'm trying not to laugh but you look so adorable and huge, and really quite stunning like that.”

  “It's too late, Z. You've pissed me off.”

  “Oh… come on, Suzanne. I haven't seen you in a month and you've doubled in size.”

  “I'm aware,” I growl at him.

  “I'm really sorry for laughing. Please don't be mad. I promise I'll keep all the laughter in check from now on, okay?” He smirks at me again.

  “You better, or I'll punch you again,” I smirk right back.

  After the relatively quiet ride to the hospital, Z and I experience our first truly awkward moment in reception. When asked our names, and his relation to me and the baby, everything just stops, my breathing included. What do we say?

  Z recovers quickly though. “Suzanne and I are the baby's parents, and I've been invited to this ultrasound. Dr. MacDonald should be waiting for us inside.” Z speaks so matter-of-factly there's no room for judgments or further questions from the Receptionist. Jesus, I can finally exhale that round of discomfort.

  After I'm lead privately to the room, I struggle out of my black moo moo and thank god my side-zipper boots, so I can put on the ugly-ass hospital gown.

  Sitting and waiting on the bed, eventually there's a knock, and poking his head in, Mack greets me with a huge smile.

  “Hey Tubby... How goes it?” Before I can tell him to piss off though, I hear Z burst out laughing behind him. Jesus! Now there's two of them? I wish to god Kayla was here. She'd beat the shit out of both of them for me.

  Pouting, I mumble, “Be nice to me. I'm a huge woman on the edge.”

  Grinning, Mack walks to me and takes me in his arms. Holding tight, I breathe him in. I know he's teasing, just like Z did, and I'm not really angry or sad, but I just want his comfort a minute longer. Some days I'm so lonely and scared, Mack's hugs are all I have in this world to ease me.

  “Dr. Cobb will be in any minute. How was your night?”

  “Good. I slept pretty well, though I did pee like 10 times in the night which sucks. Otherwise, I was fine.”

  Looking over, I see Z standing to the side of the room. He seems so uncomfortable; almost like he knows he's intruding on me and Mack. I feel so bad for him in these moments because he's such an integral part of this equation, and yet he's always on the sideline just watching.

  This event is his life changing forever, but up to now he's never been a part of it. Except for the little scraps I give him, or from the information Mack shares with him, he’s always been outside looking in. Suddenly, I realize Kayla was right and this just seems so unfair to Z.

  “Z… I'm very sorry you always have to look at this from the outside. I swear that was never my intention. I never meant to hurt you like that,” I whisper.

  “I know it wasn't, and I’m okay, Suzanne. You just do what you have to do to get through what you have to get through. I'll have my part soon enough.” God, he's an amazing man.

  “You WILL have your part soon enough... diapers and all,” I grin through my tears

  Clapping his hands together loudly, he yells, “I can't wait!”

  Suddenly, I have to know. Don't do it! Don't ask it! Ah, I have to.

  “What are you going to call it?” Jesus... I could actually feel the air leave the room between us. Mack is so tense when I look at him he doesn't even seem to blink. Was that really bad? Shit.

  “'Glass of',” Z replies deadpan. WHAT?! Cracking up in a fit of laughter, I'm stunned by his playfulness. “With the last name Zinfandel, what other options did I have?” He says again with a total lack of emotion like he's serious.

  I'm dying here, laughing so hard, I feel almost lightheaded. Looking over, I see Mack has finally exhaled as well.

  Grinning at me, Z asks, “What do you think?”

  “It's awesome! I once wondered if your name was 'Bottle of', so 'Glass of' is the perfect choice. Is that for a boy or a girl?” I ask, still laughing.

  “I think the name applies to either gender, don't you?”

  “Yes, it does. 'Glass of Zinfandel'. It’s perfect, Z.”

  When Dr. Cobb walks in and takes in the mood of the room, she instantly smiles. “Something I should know?”

  “Z's naming our baby 'Glass of'.” Oh! Ooops. Not ours- NOT ours! Mack and Z both caught that though, I can tell. They instantly had a little eye contact between them. Dammit.

  “That's an excellent choice, Z.”

  “Thank you,” he nods.

  “Okay Suzanne, you're up. Lay back, cover up, and lift the gown for me.”

  Struggling, I lay back and rest my hip on the little cushion so I'm not flat. At this point lying flat on my back causes a pain that is so quick and sudden I feel trapped in my inability to move out of the pain, which I'm told is totally common for hugely pregnant women. Yay! 'Cause pregnancy didn't come with enough side effects.

  Once I'm settled, Dr. Cobb squirts the gross jell on me, making me jump as always, and she starts her thing. Looking at Z, I'm struck with such sadness for him again. Reaching out my hand, I motion for him to come closer. So nodding with another smile for me, Z walks the 2 steps until he's right beside Mack on my right.

  Looking at the ceiling, I can't do it. I haven't looked yet on purpose and I won't start now. I know Mack bought a picture of the baby for himself and for Z, and I know they've talked to Kayla about it. But I just can't look. I'm not sure what I think will happen, but looking at it feels like a betrayal or something. It's like I'm afraid I'll give the kid false hope that I actually want to be its mother. Which I still don't.

  “Do you want to know what it is yet, Suzanne?” Z asks me softly.

  “No, I'm good. But you go ahead if you want to.”

  “I already know.” Really? Huh.

  “So 'Glass of' still works?”

  “Absolutely,” he grins.

  Staring back at the ceiling, I feel happy for him. I want him to be happy, and if this is what I can do to make him happy, I'll do it. Plus, I'm almost done my part anyway.

  “Suzanne, I need to bring in the Tech for a minute, okay?”

  Looking over, I see Dr. Cobb has a fake doctor- try to look reassuring- but something's wrong- smile on her lips, and I don't buy it for a second.

  Moaning, “What's wrong?”

  Fake smiling again, Dr. Cobb pats my leg, and walks from the room quickly.

  Turning to Mack, I know he knows- I can see it. Oh no! Looking at Z quickly, I see his total confusion. Mack knows, but Z doesn't. Holy SHIT! What's wrong?!

  “Breathe, Suzanne,” Mack says quietly while squeezing my hand.

  Looking at Z again, he's statue still. He isn't moving. Or blinking. Or speaking. Or breathing.
There is just nothing to him. He is absolutely lifeless in this moment.

  Thankfully, Dr. Cobb returns quickly with the Tech and they get right back to my stomach, fake smiles and all.

  After forever, with no sound in the room, Dr. Cobb places something on my stomach as the Tech squirts gel on me again, and starts clicking the machine repeatedly, which is quite annoying actually. All I'm hearing is the constant click of the machine and no other sound, which is like a kind of torture itself. Shit! I need some other sound before I go completely mental.

  When the Tech starts typing weird words, like codes or anagrams on the screen, I know. Dr. Cobb doesn't have to say anything. The Tech doesn't have to stop typing. Mack doesn't have to start soothing. Z doesn't have to start breathing. I know.

  “What happened?” I whisper.

  Turning to me, Dr. Cobb has the grace to dramatically exhale before speaking.

  “I don't know yet Suzanne, but the baby no longer has a heartbeat.”

  Whoooosh.

  Nothing moves. No one moves. There is no sound. There is no breath in the room.

  “What do you mean?” Z begs in a whisper, as Mack squeezes my hand a little too hard.

  “I'm sorry, but I really don't know yet what happened. Two weeks ago your exam was fine. Good even. The heartbeat was strong, and the baby measured just slightly big but otherwise, everything was progressing as it should. Sometimes there is no medical reason for this, and sometimes we find out after the fact that there was a medical reason for these things happening. I'm very sorry Suzanne, but the baby has died.”

  Turning my head quickly to the monitor I see a flat line and nothing else. The color has faded to grey, and the movement on the screen is static. There is nothing in this moment but death.

  And I've got nothing. I really hope this is shock again, otherwise, I just died too. Is that my flat line on the monitor?

  Looking, I see Mack talking quietly to Z. What's he saying? What's happening? What does this mean for Z?

  Oh GOD, Z! FLINCH!

  “Z, I'm so sorry. I didn't do this on purpose, I swear. Please don't hate me! Please! Um, I did everything I was supposed to do. Ask Mack. I did!”

  “Suzanne-”

  “Mack tell him! I did, Z. I took the vitamins, and I ate the food, and I took the medication, and I adapted all my Physio to the pregnancy. I swear I did everything right for you!”

  Z is still so lifeless while just staring at me in silence. Shit! Does he think I did this on purpose? I didn't! I really didn't do this on purpose.

  Begging, “Please believe me. I wanted to give this to you. I did! I didn't want it, but I wanted YOU to have it, and I tried so hard to do everything right. I swear! Please Z, please don't be mad at me. I didn't do this!”

  When Dr. Cobb starts trying to explain the significance and the possibilities of the dead baby I don't want to hear her. I can't listen to this. I want to talk to Z. I want him to understand that I didn't do this on purpose to him. I wanted him to have this baby, I really did. I would never hurt him on purpose.

  Interrupting Dr. Cobb and Mack, I moan, “Z, I promise I wanted to give this to you. After I stopped hating this, I realized I wanted you to have it, so you had something good from me. You wanted this, and I DID want to give it to you. I really did. I'm so sorry. I tried so hard to give this to you. I wanted you to have this, I really did. Please believe me.”

  “I believe you, Suzanne. Mack told me you hated the baby but you wanted me to have it-”

  “I didn't hate it, I just didn't want it. That's different.”

  “Whatever, Suzanne,” he shakes his head sadly.

  “NO! Not whatever! Listen to me, Z. I didn't hate it, I just didn't love it. I wanted it to go away at first, but since I couldn't make it go away, I really wanted you to have it. So I was good for you.” Sobbing, I can barely breathe but Z is just so still. “I was good so you would have this. I promise Z. I really was...”

  Oh GOD! This pain is just ripping through me. I'm desperate for him to understand. “It was always for you. This time I did everything right. Ask Mack! I did! It was for you to have. I wanted you to have the baby so you had something to love, I swear. Since we couldn't love each other, I wanted you to have love with your baby.”

  Closing my eyes, I'm beyond desperate as the sobs wrack my body.

  This is the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life. This sadness is oppressive in its strength. Everything hurts. I can’t believe the depth of the despair I feel. This feeling is so powerful, there’s nothing left of me that doesn’t ache with the intensity of this despair for Z.

  When I feel strong arms wrap me up tightly I pray for Z's arms, but I know it's Mack holding me tight. I thought for just a moment Z might hug me and believe me and make this all better for us, but Z hasn't moved and Mack is holding me so tightly I'm stuck.

  “What happens now?” Z asks in the darkest voice I've ever heard.

  “Generally, since the baby is 37 weeks, we can induce the mother into a vaginal birth with medication, which some women prefer so they have a sense of closure. Or we can schedule a C-Section to remove the baby at once. What do you want to do?” Dr. Cobb asks me gently as I pull away from Mack.

  “Schedule a C-Section,” Z says abruptly. “Suzanne didn't want this from the beginning, so I doubt a vaginal birth will give her any kind of closure.” Wait! “Can you do this quickly though. I'd like to bury my son.”

  And there it is. His son. Little 'Glass of' was going to be Z's son. THIS I feel. THIS is unbearable for Z. Oh god...

  “I'm so sorry, Z,” I whisper through my agony.

  “Suzanne, are you okay?” Mack leans in close to ask me.

  Shaking and barely breathing, I beg. “Z! Please look at me. I'm really, very sorry for your loss.”

  “Suzanne. You too have suffered a loss,” Mack prompts.

  “I'm sorry, Z. I never wanted this loss for you, I promise.” Crying openly, I can only beg his forgiveness. “Please don't be mad at me, Z. I didn't do this to hurt you. I wanted you to have this baby. I did. I wanted you to have it to love. Please forgive me.”

  Sobbing, I can't even pretend anymore. There is no tie left between us. We are broken completely. There is just nothing left between us. We are done. We have flat lined...

  Z is still so quiet, I don't know if he can even walk or speak anymore. His son died and his son is lying dead inside me, and if I could make him alive for Z, I would.

  “Dr. Cobb can you get Z's baby out of me right now? Can you? I really want Z to have him now. Please?”

  “Suzanne, I'll schedule the Cesarean for the first available-”

  “No! I don't want to wait. Z needs him. Can you get him out of me now? Pretend it's an emergency birth and cut him out of me or something. Dr. Cobb, please give Z his son,” I beg.

  “Suzanne, we'll get the baby out as soon as possible.”

  “Mack! Can you do it? You're a doctor. Can you get him out for Z? He needs his son. He needs to hold him and love him. Mack! Hurry up! Please...”

  “Suzanne… don't do this,” Mack moans.

  “Oh, god... I'm sorry Z. Here! Get him out.” When Z turns to me, his expression looks like a mix of agony and disgust. “Z, do it! It's okay. Cut him out of me so you can have him. I won't feel it. I'm okay. But you're not. Oh god... Get him out Z, so you can hold him.” I feel so desperate and devastated by this tragedy for him. “Z! Just cut me open and take your baby...” I moan.

  “Suzanne! STOP!”

  “Mack, I'm fine. This is about Z, not me. Look, I'll be fine! I just want him out so Z can have him! PLEASE! Cut me open! Please get this baby OUT OF ME!”

  When Z suddenly lunges at me, I open up my body for his abuse. When he grabs my upper arms hard, I don't fight him. Submitting, I close my eyes and take it all. As Z yells in my face, I take his rage into my body. I deserve all of his hatred. I deserve anything he wants to do to me.

  “FUCK, SUZANNE!! Can't you handle anything sanely, for
fucking once?! Don't lose it right now, PLEASE! I'm begging you to stay sane, just this once. For ME! I can't handle watching you freak out AND deal with this death too. Just stay sane- for ME- just ONCE!”

  Exhaling slowly, I know I can do this for Z.

  Nodding, I give in. “Okay, Z. Do anything you want. I'll stay sane. I'm sorry to have upset you. I was just trying to give him to you so you had some love from me. That way we both wouldn't be sad and lonely forever.”

  When Z jumps away from me grabbing hard at his hair, he actually swears and growls out loud in the silence of the room.

  Walking toward the door Z shouts, “Mack, take care of her! I've got to leave before I say something unforgivable.”

  Oh, god. Don’t leave me!

  Screaming to his back I beg, “I'm so sorry Z. I didn't do this on propose. Please don't hate me!”

  Turning toward me quickly, “Oh Christ... Shut UP, Suzanne! I know you didn't do this on purpose, alright?! I know you tried and I DON'T hate you. I'm just heartbroken, okay? This isn't about YOU for once. It's about ME. I'M heartbroken over MY dead son! A son YOU didn't want. So just stop. I have to go, and I hope you're okay. You have Mack to help you, and I have NOTHING anymore. So please stop all your shit for once. This is MY pain, not yours...” And running for the door, he throws it open until it slams against the wall behind him.

  Shaking, the upset in the room is so tangible I can see it. There is a grey darkness engulfing the room. Mack has gone running after Z as Dr. Cobb suddenly reaches for me. Slapping her hands away, I close my eyes, and place my hands on my stomach. Lying in the pose of death, I think of Z's little boy.

  I wonder what he looked like. I wonder if he was going to be tall like his daddy, or dark like his daddy, or kind and beautiful like his daddy. I wonder if he would have been funny AND intense like his daddy, or if he would have been quiet and self-possessed. I wonder if he would have liked his name. Little 'Glass of'- Z's beautiful boy.