by Logan Jacobs
“Oh, no, it happened seven years and nine lunar cycles ago,” Chaz explained. “I only have three lunar cycles left on my banishment. So, I have that to look forward to, which is nice.”
“Where are we headed, sugars?” Aurora asked from my left. My ‘posse’ and I had decided about an hour ago to take the evening off and knock back a few cold ones to celebrate our win. Everyone but PoLarr had recuperated from the match, some of us more than others, and wanted to let off a little steam. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I was quite up for it, seeing as how Artie had depleted most of my steam… twice. But when Chaz bamfed into the gym to congratulate all of us it seemed like the right thing to do.
“My second cousin twice removed on my step-father’s uncles' side, Chip, just opened a new bar,” Chaz rattled off. “It is supposed to be the hottest new bar in the entertainment district. I sent him a t-txt, and he put us on the guest list.”
“You sent him a what?” Nova asked from slightly behind me.
“Sorry, a telegraphic text,” Chaz explained. “It’s easier than regular telepathic communication. My family can be long-winded. You know what I’m talking about, right Marc?”
Chaz nudged me conspiratorially even though I had no clue what he was talking about.
“Yup, totes, Chaz,” I responded good-naturedly anyway. Chaz smiled with such ebullience that I thought he might literally explode.
We were all dressed in our fanciest casual clothes and cut quite an imposing swath down the city street. Nova had on a pair of skin-tight wine purple crushed velvet leggings that were tucked into calf-length high-heel black leather boots that looked a soft as butter, a short pale blue tunic shirt that hugged her voluptuous breasts like an aggressive lover, and a long, braided gold leather belt with the end tied off at her hip so that it hung down to the top of her mid-thigh.
Artemis wore a flirty, floral patterned wrap dress that showed off every single one of her incredible curves with strappy sandals and a matching hair clip.
Aurora, well, Aurora looked like Aurora in a jet black embroidered see-through mesh maxi dress over a pair of high-waisted boy shorts and a blood red pair of pointed Louboutin pumps that accentuated her creamy white calves, not that anyone was looking at her calves.
I rounded out our little gang with a pair of dark blue denim jeans, a tailored, untucked, cool purple button-down shirt, my trusty Doc Martens, and a three-quarter length black leather jacket that made me feel like something out of The Boondock Saints.
Not everyone knew who we were but enough people did double takes or whispered into the ears of their companions to let me know that quite a few folks recognized us. While not unfriendly, our post-match attitudes must have made anyone who wanted to ask for an autograph think twice, which was okay by me for the moment. Especially after nearly getting crushed last time.
Chaz led us into a large five-way intersection of packed city streets that looked like Times Square had an orgy with Picadilly Circus and Hong Kong’s Central District. Neon, laser light, and holograms danced above our heads in a kaleidoscope of color, motion, and activity. Giant department stores, bright restaurant marquees, and billboards filled every square inch of my vision to the point where it was almost disorienting.
I saw a holographic display for a live action play about something called the “Battle for Alpha Nunn-Aki”. The hologram showed worlds collapsing. Planets on fire. An entire solar system swirling faster and faster until all the planets sank into the sun, which then exploded.
“Oooh, that looks cool,” I said and pointed up at it.
“Hottest ticket in town,” Artemis responded. “It tells the story of the great battle between the First Humans and Apocraphons. Supposed to be incredibly historically accurate and really good.”
“Yeah, it won eleven Toby awards,” Chaz added.
“Okay,” I started to say as we walked into a side street that had none of the high-tech glamour of the previous avenue and past a very large line of aliens that stretched down the street and around the corner. “I have many many questions about what the two of you just said.”
“Yay,” Chaz exclaimed and clapped his hands. “I know your mind is a swirling vortex of intelligent and thought-provoking queries and I love answering questions, but if you could hold on for just a few minutes, Marc, while I get us into the bar would be great. Cool, thanks.”
We walked to the front of the huge line of people waiting to get into a pair of very nondescript doors set in the side of a plain concrete wall. There was no sign or marquee or anything that would let someone know that there was actually a place of business here.
Two little blue aliens that looked almost exactly like Chaz, except dressed in form-fitting black suits with white shirts and black ties stood at the doors. They were behind four brass stanchions with thick red velvet ropes stretched between them. I watched as a very attractive group of humanoid females in barely there outfits talked to one of the blue aliens who smiled brightly at them, unclicked one of the velvet ropes from a stanchion and let the ladies in.
Then two ugly squid-faced aliens in shiny tracksuits tried to slide past as well, but the little blue alien held up his hand to stop them. I was too far away to hear what was being said but I could guess. It was something I’d witnessed several times on Earth. Two douche-nozzles wanted into the bar, and the bouncer was telling them no.
Squid-Faces didn’t like being told no and started to bow up to the little blue alien who looked very nonplussed. One Squid-Face reached out to shove the little guy whose antennae emerged from his head and glowed bright blue. The two Squid-Faces rose ten feet into the air and then got launched as if from a catapult over the nearest building with an audible “whaaaaa-haaaaa-haa-hoooey”.
No one else in the line gave the little blue bouncer a hard time after that.
Chaz walked up to the bouncer, and I could see that the two of them started to communicate telepathically. Their antennae glowed and twitched and then they both laughed out loud and gave each other a big hug.
“Hey, guys,” Chaz said excitedly as he waved us over, “this is my third cousin’s nephew, Chic. Chic, this is Team Havak.”
Chic looked us over cooly and then smiled as he opened the rope for us to pass through.
“Pleasure to meet you,” Chic said as we walked by. “Chaz is sort of the black sheep of the family, but we love him all the same. You all have a fun time tonight.”
“Nice to meet you too,” I said and followed Chaz up to the doors. I glanced behind us and caught quite a few angry glares from a ton of people we had just cut in front of. “It pays to have friends in high places.”
The other bouncer opened the doors for us, and we walked into the bar. It instantly reminded me of something out of a Frank Sinatra wet dream from the late nineteen fifties. Tiny little tables were set out on a blue-carpeted dining floor in front of a small raised stage. Booths lined both walls off either side of the stage on risers that put them slightly above the main floor. A long, polished wood and brass bar took up a quarter of the back wall, and there was a Telecultus dressed in a white dinner jacket and bow tie standing and mixing drinks. Seashell light scones were recessed in the walls at strategic places and cast a low, soft warm glow across the whole bar. On the stage, a trio of alien musicians played something that sounded very similar to old school jazz mixed with electronica which actually didn’t sound half bad. I found that I instantly wanted to smoke either unfiltered cigarettes, a cool pipe, or a cigar, and drink straight scotch for some reason.
A female version of Chaz in a sequined green formal gown walked up to us and smiled. I had to stop myself from doing a pronounced double take. She wasn’t exactly ugly, but she sure as hell wasn’t pretty either. She even had the same male pattern bald spot on top of her dyed platinum blond hair.
“Oh, hello, Chaz,” she said in a voice that sounded like Chaz doing falsetto.
“Hello, Chazwina,” he replied nervously. I saw beads of sweat pop out on his forehead. I could have been wrong
, but I could have sworn he had a thing for Chazwina. “It’s very good to see you again.”
“Not as good as it is to see you,” she flirted. “How come you never called?”
“Oh, you know,” Chaz mumbled, “work and… work. Busy, busy, busy.”
“Don’t I know it,” Chazwina replied but I could tell she wasn’t buying it. Neither was anyone else for that matter. “Well, you and I can catch up in private some other time, Chaz. You folks are here to have a good time, so follow me, please. Chip arranged for you to have a private booth with a great view of the stage.”
I smiled down at Chaz and then glanced at the ladies. They met my incredulous gaze with their own. We all kind of just shrugged at each other as if to say “when in Rome” and followed Chazwina to the booth.
It was maybe fifteen feet from the stage and surrounded by thick, royal blue curtains. The booth itself was both big and wide enough to seat all of us very comfortably as we all slid in. Somehow I found myself in the very middle with Chaz on one side and Artemis on the other. No sooner had we sat than another female Chaz in a very short cocktail dress arrived with a tray full of drinks and set them down in front of us.
“Chaz, did you order drinks from our minds?” I asked the little blue devil.
“Oh, no,” He said emphatically and shook his head.
“I did,” the waitress, who had a voice that was like Chaz doing a girl's voice, responded. “Hope you all don’t mind. We get pretty busy here, and it speeds the process up. Enjoy. If you need anything, just think really loud, and I’ll be right over.”
I picked up the glass that she had set down in front of me. The amber liquid inside had aged wood, caramel, and vanilla scents. If I wasn’t mistaken, it was a nicely aged single barrel bourbon. I looked around and everyone else sniffed their drinks as well, shrugged, and nodded.
“Cheers everyone,” I said as I held my glass out.
“Cheers,” the table responded as one, and we drank. Sure enough, the familiar burn of eighty proof whiskey filled my mouth and warmed its way down into my belly. It felt comforting and a bit like home and was just what I needed. Telepathic ordering did have its upside.
“Okay, so,” I started after everyone had taken a few sips of their drinks and relaxed a bit. “My questions. One, what did you mean by first humans? And two, what the fuck is an Apocraphon?”
“Oh, oh, oh, do you mind if I take this, Artemis?” Chaz said as he raised his hand like an overeager kid at school.
“Not at all, Chaz,” Artemis replied as she took another sip of her Long Island Iced Tea, her go-to cocktail of choice. “I am more than happy to listen to someone else explain something for once.”
“Okay, cool,” he said giddily. “So, I’m going to give you all little tele-vision if that is okay?”
“What the hell is that?” Nova asked, a little wary.
“I’m going to project images into your head telepathically,” Chaz explained. “It’s a one-way broadcast so you won’t have to worry about me seeing your thoughts or anything.”
“Kind of like a documentary in my brain?” I said. “Sounds neat.”
“Exactly, Marc,” Chaz replied. “Gosh, you are super smart.”
Aurora rolled her eyes so hard I could almost hear it but she smiled as well.
“Let’s do it,” I agreed and watched Chaz’s cute little antennae sprout from his head. They began to glow and then the bar faded away, and it was like I swam in a never-ending expanse of space.
“Okay, so, long story short, a few billions of years ago, the first humans came to be on the planet Alpha Nunn-Aki,” I heard Chaz’s voice in my head like an omniscient narrator as a large, green blue planet came into focus in front of me. “The planet was in a solar system as close to the center of the universe as you can get and they were smart, inventive, and tenacious.”
The image in front of me moved time-lapse fast of the planet as it went through several ages of existence.
“Couple hundred-thousand years later, they figure out how to travel at the speed of light, and start going to the planets closest to them,” Chaz’s voice said, his cadence just like Mrs. Norwall’s, my tenth-grade history teacher. “Now, this is a pretty densely populated galaxy so in no time there are humans all over the place. Mostly, just terraforming and such, but on some planets, they mate with indigenous life forms, if the DNA and orifices are accommodating, if you know what I’m talking about.”
“We all know, Chaz,” I heard Artemis’ voice say. I couldn’t see her but I could tell she would be making a stern face at him.
“Right, sorry,” Chaz's voice apologized as the images matched his narration. “Fast forward another millennium or two and there are human beings from one end of the galaxy to the other. I mean the mega-verse is lousy with them, but for the most part, barring a few planetary skirmishes every so often, things are good. Most folks live normal boring lives. Then, the Apocraphons enter the picture.”
The image of a malevolent, cloak covered, shadow creature filled my vision. Kind of like a cross between a Celtic Druid and the Skeksis from The Dark Crystal only maybe a thousand times more terrifying.
“Okay, so Apocraphons,” Chaz continued, “are these big, mean, ugly suckers from the dark recesses of Nether-Space who thrive on destruction, and they decide they want to pee in the human’s porridge. Well, this starts a war that goes on for centuries, dragging more and more star systems into the conflict,”
A huge war scene filled my mind like an old World War Two newsreel. Armies clashed on a massive battlefield full of explosions, lasers, and blood.
“Eventually, the Humans figure out how to blast the Apocraphons into the Neverwhere, and all but eradicate them from existence,” Chaz lectured. “You guys are just about to win when the last Apocraphons create a virus that binds to Human DNA. They mount a Kamikaze mission that detonates a dirty bomb on Alpha Nunn-Aki, which, while it kills the last known Apocraphons, unleashes the virus that spreads and wipes out every genetically pure human in the mega-verse.”
I saw worlds collapse in ruin. Planets consumed by fire. Billions as they cried out in anguish.
“Hey, Chaz,” I said in my mind voice, “this is getting a little heavy, man.”
“Oh, yeah, sorry,” Chaz replied apologetically. “Okay, so by some miraculous stroke of cosmic luck, the virus didn’t infect any being with a human-hybrid DNA, and if you humans are one thing, it’s freaking horny.”
“Yes, they are,” I heard Aurora drawl in my head. If I could have winked at her suavely, I would have.
“Humans are stupid with the horniness,” Artemis’ laughed in my brain. It sounded like her Long Island Iced Tea had taken hold.
“Humans had sired races on well over a thousand planets introducing binary male-female reproduction, opposable thumbs, and walking on two legs to hundreds of galaxies, and they were afraid that anywhere they went the virus would follow,” Chaz started up again. “So, just before the bomb detonated on Alpha Nunn-Aki the Humans launched nine ships with nine couples on board bound for the outer regions of known space in the hopes of starting their civilization over again. Seven of those ships never made it out of the solar system.”
I saw visions of angry looking missiles crash into the helpless Human ships shortly after liftoff.
“Apocraphon killer drones blasted them out of the sky the second they broke orbit. One was captured by a race of sentient spider creatures that liked steaks made out of humans, who basically turned those poor bastards into cattle for a couple of centuries. Drove them insane. Thankfully that planet got destroyed by a comet. Sometimes dumb luck equalizes thing.”
“All hail, dumb luck,” Artemis’ mind-voice said loudly.
“Where was I?” Mind Chaz asked rhetorically. “Right, nine ships, eight gone. Well, that last ship was known as ‘The Lost Ark’ and thought to have just gotten swallowed up by the far reaches of space. Up to about six Earth years ago, when a salvage operation came across Voyager I, boy, that was an exci
ting day, let me tell you.”
The image in my head morphed again and showed the lone Human vessel as it exited hyperspace near Mars.
“After some investigation, a local historian figured out ‘The Lost Ark’ had been destined for the Andromeda galaxy,” Chaz said, and I could tell the story was coming to a close which was good because I was starting to get a little motion sick and wanted another sip of my bourbon. “Turned out the nav computer on the Ark plotted a course through your solar system, not knowing about a huge gravity sink in the center of the planet you guys call Mars. The ship got too close and pulled out of warp space. It barreled past Mars and crash landed on Earth around the time of the Neanderthals.”
I saw the advanced Ark ship burn up on entry into Earth's atmosphere as it crashed into a desert.
“Those who survived found themselves on a habitable but incredibly harsh planet,” Chaz explained. “They salvaged what they could from the ship and set up a little colony in what is today the Middle East. Well, humans being humans, they got a little randy and did some exploring and came upon the ol’ Neanderthals who they discovered were almost genetically identical to themselves! See, luck again. Then after a little horizontal mambo, you get Homo Sapiens.”
A crude cave drawing of some cavemen lying down next to vaguely human shapes then changed to the building of the Great Pyramids in Egypt.
“They impart some wisdom on the early HSs, some star reading, math, and a touch of masonry then they went back to their settlement in the hills and jumped back in their cryo-pods for a couple of centuries,” Chaz said in a ‘what are you going to do’ tone. “That’s the other thing about humans, so freaking curious, especially when it concerned themselves and their offspring. They had to see how their ‘children’ were doing. So, they come out of the tubes about the time of the early Babylonians, who basically thought they were gods and worshipped them as such, which, as you know, played right into the human’s egos. They continued like this for a few more centuries, cryo-sleeping and then checking in on the world, then cryo-sleeping again, until eventually, the original Humans die out, so busy with their libido petri dish experiment they never sent any kind of signal or anything to let anyone in the mega-verse know where they were.”