by Logan Jacobs
In the blink of an eye, I found myself back in the blue plush velvet booth of the bar surrounded by my friends. Everyone wiped their hands across their eyes as if we’d just gotten out of a day movie and walked out into the bright sunlight. I had a slight throbbing sensation behind my eyeballs.
“Okay, Chaz,” I said as I rubbed my temple, “that was very cool, but it might have gone a touch long there buddy.”
“Gods yes,” Nova agreed, “my brain feels like I spent the night slamming Flaming Trebuchets. Which are a heavy alcohol content drink concoction on Paladin Prime.”
“We got what you meant, sugar,” Aurora said as she held her head in her hands. “Please tell me this is going to pass soon.”
“Um,” Chaz mumbled, “is six to eight hours soon?”
“Oh, sweet, sweet dumb, Chaz,” I said as the rest of the table groaned out loud. As much as I wanted the rest of my drink I was very much no longer in the mood. “You guys wanna call it?”
“Marc,” Artemis said as everyone nodded in agreement and started to shuffle out of the booth, “Please keep me from putting my hands around Chaz’s throat and throttling him.”
“Oh, man,” Chaz moaned. “I am so sorry you guys. Really. Man, smooth move, Chaz. Smooth move!”
“Chaz,” Artemis said as she put her arm on his shoulder softly. “I’m sorry. That was mean. You did what Marc asked. It's not your fault... entirely.”
“Okay,” he said dejectedly.
“How about we all head back to the apartment and see if we can catch Trillium Vou’s interview with the President?” I threw out as we started to walk back toward the entrance. We were almost there when a big, burly alien in a sports coat and tight biker shorts brushed up against me and spilled his drink. He was roughly my height but about a foot wider, wore a reverse mohawk that showed a strip of his puke green scalp through wiry brillo pad gray hair.
“Hey man!” He shouted as he turned toward me. “Ohhhh, well, look who it is.”
“Oh, dude, I’m so sorry,” I said honestly. “Let me buy you another drink, man.”
I moved to go up to the bar but Brillo-Pad grabbed my shoulder and spun me back around where he got right up in my face. I could smell an overly sweet liqueur on his breath.
“You think you can just spill peoples’ drinks accidentally and then just buy them another one?” He asked all indignant. A small little crowd of gawkers surrounded us.
“Um, yes,” I said as I looked him the eye. “That’s kind of exactly what I think. Again, sorry I spilled your drink. I will be happy to buy you another one.”
“You can’t buy me off, Havak!” He yelled loudly. “Like your fecal matter doesn’t stink, huh? Like you can just do whatever you please? Well, buddy, this ain’t the Breach, and I think I might want to pound your ass hard.”
“While I am flattered,” I said. My voice, while still friendly, definitely had taken an edge. “I do not find you attractive in the least. I also prefer ladies. Not that there is anything wrong with you liking members of the same sex. More power to you pal. Now, what can I get ya?”
Aurora, Nova, Artie, and Chaz had formed a little circle behind me, and I could feel their temperatures rise as this asshole just wouldn’t let up.
“Your head on a pike, Havak,” Brillo-Pad yelled. “You and your little harem of harlots here.”
I was just about to grab the dude by his lapel and shake some sense into him when an orange fist flew past my head and smashed the majority of his front teeth in and he crumpled to the ground like a dropped sack of potatoes.
Nova stood over him, her hands balled into tight fists like Ali over Sonny Liston.
“Watch your mouth!” she shouted down at him. It fell on deaf ears because he was knocked completely the fuck out. His buddies who had been watching from behind him didn’t like that very much and one of them shoved Nova from behind.
I was about to deck the nearest one as Nova stumbled forward and nearly tripped over Brillo-Pad’s body, but then I saw a blue blur and before I knew what was going on Chaz was on top of the guy's shoulders and smashed his little blue fists into the guy’s head.
“You treat a lady with respect, you half-wit ingrate!” Chaz yelled as the guy stumbled around and tried to dislodge him.
I couldn't help but smile at the little fella's valor and loyalty to his friends. He may have been annoying, but he had grown on me quite a bit.
“Way to go Chaz--” I started to yell but then I got tackled by another one of Brillo-Pad’s buddies and crashed into the bar with a clink of dislodged glasses.
“Bar fight!” The Telecultus bartender shouted in his thick Long Island accent before he grabbed a stubby baseball bat and jumped into the fray.
Apparently, Brillo-Pad had traveled with a fairly large posse of pals because they descended on us in a wave.
“Oh, dessert drinks,” Aurora said and smiled as her tattoos glowed pale blue, and she smashed the heel of her hand into the nose of the nearest attacker. “My favorite.”
“I knew I should have worn pants,” Artemis said as she ducked to evade a haymaker thrown at her head. She spun around on her heel as she dropped to the ground, her dress flew up around her and she kind of flashed most of the bar her lacy thong underwear, before she swept the legs out from under the dude who’d thrown the haymaker to send him crashing to the floor. He wasn’t down a second before she’d socked him right in the nose. He let out a whimper as his hand flew to his smushed nasal orifice, and he crawled away crying.
“Nice undies, Artie,” I yelled over as I brought my elbow down on the dude who had tried to tackle me at the same time as I pistoned my knee into his stomach. He let out a satisfying “oof” before I reached under his hunched over shoulders and spun him off me.
“I thought you would like them,” Artemis yelled back with a slight blush as she put another would be bar fighter into a standing armbar. She then spun around quickly and put his head into the thick wood of the bar behind her.
“Please let me know where you acquired them, Artemis,” Nova tossed over her shoulder as she sent a massive uppercut into a seven-foot tall alien who was about to smash a chair over her head. The alien was literally lifted off his feet from the force of the blow and went completely horizontal before he crashed back down into the ground. “I find them very attractive and would like to purchase a few pairs of my own.”
“I concur, sugar,” Aurora chimed in from the floor where her legs were wrapped around the head and shoulders of a female alien who was about to pass out. “They accentuate your derriere very well.”
“Aw,” Artemis gushed. “You guys. Stop.”
And just as she said the word stop, so did all the action. A blue light surrounded all of us and we floated gently up into the air.
“Enough,” yelled Chazwina as she strode over to the mass of passed out bodies and broken limbs. Her antennae glowed brightly while she stood with her hands on her hips and looked at Chaz, Artemis, Nova, Aurora and I sternly. “Everytime, Chaz. You just can’t stay out of trouble, can you?”
“Trouble just finds me, babe,” Chaz said arrogantly. I had no idea the little fella had so much fight and so much rakish charm in him.
“Clearly,” Chazwina said and shook her head. She was mad but I could see the slight hint of a smile on her blue face. “I’ll take this out of your portion of the family fortune. And, I’ll try to keep it from your cousin. But this is the last time.”
“You’re a doll, doll,” Chaz winked. Bright pink blood was smeared around his nose where he’d clearly taken a punch, and his left eye looked like it was starting to swell, but it actually looked pretty good on him. “See you next time.”
Chaz’s own antennae glowed and before I knew it I was surrounded in a cloud of brimstone, and I bampfed out of the bar.
Chapter Fourteen
When the foul-smelling brimstone smoke cleared, we were all back in our apartment.
“Oh, hello, sir,” Woodhouse said from his usual spot in the kit
chen. “Shall I make snacks?”
“Um,” I mumbled. It took me a few seconds to wrap my head around what had just happened. “Yes. I think so. Everybody want a snack?”
“I could eat,” Nova responded.
“I do believe I am a bit peckish after our rousing drinks,” Aurora answered.
“Yes,” Artie started. “I am very hungry. Booting that much donkey has made me famished.”
“We did kick a lot of ass, Artie,” I subtly corrected.
“Very well, sir,” Woodhouse replied in his very proper British accent. “Snacks all around.”
Everyone just sort of plopped down onto the large sectional sofa that took up most of my living area.
“Well, that was something, huh?” I said after a few moments of silence.
“I punched a guy,” Chaz said almost incredulously.
“You sure did, buddy,” I said back. “Hard, too.”
“I know!” Chaz said as he tore up a tissue and shoved the pieces of white paper up his nose to stop the bleeding.
“You’re probably going to want to get an icepack on that eye, Chaz,” Artemis said as she gave his face an appraising look.
“Oh, no way,” Chaz shook his head emphatically. “I think the black eye makes me look rugged. And you know how ladies like a rugged fellow.”
“Especially when you call yourself a rugged fellow,” I added in jest.
“Hey Chaz,” Aurora started as she straightened out the wrinkles in her skirt. As she did, several alien teeth flew out and clattered on the floor. She didn’t pay them any notice. “So, what is the situation with you and Chazwina? I sensed some history there, no?”
“Well,” Chaz responded as his cheeks flushed pink. “Yeah, we may have an on again, off again kind of thing. It’s in an off phase right now.”
“Oh, Chaz, sugar,” Aurora drawled with a smile, “after that show of bravery, it will be definitely be on again.”
“You think?” he bubbled.
“Darlin,” she continued with a sultry and knowing wink, “I’d bet Marc’s life on it.”
“Right?” I said confidently and then realized what she’d said. “Hey, wait…”
Aurora chuckled as she stood up and stretched like a cat in the sun. A very voluptuous, sexy, gorgeous cat.
“I’m going to go change into something less formal if we’re going to retire on the couch for a while,” she announced and then strode off to her bedroom, though I had a hard time labeling the form-fitting outfit she had on already as “formal.”
“That,” Nova said as she stood up as well, “is not a bad idea. I shall return in a moment.”
“I, too, would like to announce,” Artie began, and all eyes turned to her, “that I find I am perfectly comfortable as I am.” Then she giggled and snuggled up next to me.
“Hey, that reminds me of a question I have about champions and the Forge of Heroes,” Chaz asked as he looked at his black eye in a small hand-held mirror that had magically appeared in his hand. “How does this whole living arrangement work?”
“Like a game of Jenga,” I replied sarcastically. “Precarious and could topple at any moment.”
“Oh stop,” Artie giggled as she slapped my arm. “Once our alliance was formed Nova and Aurora had the option to stay in their own apartments and continue with their own trainers or they could come to live here and work with Grizz and me.”
“My trainer was an imbecile,” Nova said as she walked back in. All she’d done to make herself more comfortable was take her shoes and belt off and take the warrior braid out of her hair which now cascaded over her shoulder in amber waves. “He was from a male-dominated and chauvinistic society and kept calling me ‘little big lady.’ I convinced him to download his consciousness into a practice-bot and then I beat the shit out of him. I was more than happy to train under the renowned Grizz of Oturi.”
“I had a similar experience,” Aurora said as she sauntered back into the living room wearing a hot pink see-through baby doll tee with matching thong underwear and that was all. No bra. No stockings. No shoes. She laid back on the couch as if she wore sweatpants and her boyfriend's hockey jersey. “Mine was an ogling buffoon who kept trying to get me to wear one of those horrid jumpsuits. They look adorable on you, darling Artie.”
“Thank you,” Artemis said with a smile. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was a decidedly backhanded compliment.
“Oh,” Chaz said as he rubbed his chin with his hand as he thought about it. “I guess that makes sense. But not all alliances do that, right?”
“No,” Artemis answered. “In fact, it’s actually really rare. Although, in the past alliances that have chosen this particular living and training arrangement either do incredibly well or self-destruct spectacularly.”
“I’m sure you all will be the former,” Chaz chirped earnestly.
“Your nibbles, sir,” Woodhouse said as the bot set down a tray of full of mozzarella sticks, potato skins, some Thai skewers, pork egg rolls, and a bowl of chopped fruit. “I wasn’t sure what everyone wanted, so I decided on the works.”
“Good call, Woodhouse,” I said as I dipped a mozzarella stick in the little ramekin of ranch dressing and took a big bite. Molten hot cheese burst out of the perfectly cooked breaded exterior and spilled all down my chin. “Hot! Very hot!”
“Your beverages,” Woodhouse beeped and handed me a glass of ice-cold Coke that I downed in three big gulps.
“Is that the wonderful Cola beverage from the land of Coke?” Nova asked with wide, thirsty eyes, as she licked her lips almost lasciviously.
“Indeed, Madam,” Woodhouse replied.
“Woodhouse,” Nova started to say as she quickly grabbed one of the large, thirty-two-ounce glasses full of ice and the magical bubbly black liquid and took a big sip, “you are a squire of unparalleled excellence.”
“Why thank you, madam,” Woodhouse said, and I could have sworn I heard his charming electronic British accent crack a little from the compliment.
Everyone was quiet for a few minutes as we attacked the tray of finger foods as if it were a bunch of asshole bar patrons. Once my belly was full of fried deliciousness I sat back down on the couch and unbuckled my pants to undo the top button of my jeans.
“That was fantastic, Marc,” Chaz said and then let out a burp that lasted a full ten seconds.
“Earth may not have been technologically advanced,” I said with a small burp of my own. “But we cannot be beaten when it comes to deep fat fried delicacies.”
“Truth,” Nova said as she snuggled back into the couch cushions and drew her legs up underneath her.
“Oh, hey, speaking of Earth, we should queue up the Presidents interview with Trillium, right Artie?” I asked and snuggled deep into my own cushions.
“Sure thing, Marc,” Artemis replied and grabbed the remote.
A second later practically the entire wall of my apartment across from the couch turned into a giant digital display. A spinning and twirling Trillium Vou logo danced across the screen with high energy bombastic music and then slammed home with a force that I was sure was going to break the TV from the inside and send the logo shooting out into my living room.
The logo was replaced by Trillium’s smiling veneer that spoke of superficial nicety that hid the cunning of a snake. Her eyes, though they had a saccharine mirth on their edges, when you looked deep you could see the calculating mind of a lizard waiting for prey.
“Welcome, welcome, my viewers at home to the Trillium Vou Show,” she said through the viewscreen as if it were a window. “The only show in the megaverse that brings you all the news there is to know about everyone’s favorite sport - The Forge of Heroes. Tonight we have a very special guest, the supreme leader of Earth, the President of the United States. But first, let's set the stage to why this podunk backwater planet has suddenly become on the tip of everyone's tongue, second mandibles, and proboscises.”
The camera pulled out and beside her floated a fully rendere
d 3D holographic image of Earth in all its blue, green, and white glory.
“This, the third planet from a nondescript sun in a galaxy known as the Milky Way,” Trillium intoned like the narrator in a documentary. “Before three months ago, no civilized culture in the core twenty galaxies would have been caught dead talking about such a planet full of what are essentially the bastard offspring of lost humans.”
“Wow,” I said to the TV as if she could hear me, “how do you really feel, T?”
“But then Marc Havak became the champion of Hicksville, er, sorry, Earth,” she said with an evil fake smile. “And defied all odds to become one of the games most popular young upstarts in over a century. He’s brash, unconventional, some would say handsome, and lucky beyond what should have been statistically possible.”
“Huh,” Chaz remarked, “it's almost like she doesn’t like you, Marc.”
“Almost, Chaz,” I mumbled back. Being on this side of the broadcast allowed me to see just how snarky, petty, and biting Trillium Vou really was. She was like a pretty chocolate candy that looked delicious from the outside, but once you bit into it you realized it was full of bitter bile that clung to your tongue no matter how much you tried to spit it out.
“His somewhat meteoric rise through the tiers and the ranks of popularity have some wondering if he could be hiding a secret, probability-altering power, or is somehow a secret plant sent by the Atherons to shake the games up,” she spouted off with absolutely zero evidence. “But regardless, Team Havak has ushered in a fad of Earth fever and interest in Earth culture, as backward and archaic as it may be. Now, to talk a bit about their luckier-than-he-has-any-right-to-be champion, and Earth in general, is the President of the United States of America.”
There was a shimmer or light next to Trillium, and a hologram of the President appeared next to her.