The Ruins Of Us (Mayhem Book 3)

by Catharina Maura

  I take a step back and pinch her chin. “But you aren’t mine, Emilia. You’ve made it clear you won’t ever give me a chance again. You’ve shown me you’ve moved on. So every single thing I just described? Every bit of passion and desire? I gave all of it to Layla, and she fucking loved it. I watched her come for me, the image burning away every thought of you,” I whisper, lying to her.

  Emilia swallows hard, pain flashing through her eyes. It’s nothing compared to how she’s made me feel every single time I see her with Sam.

  “But I’m sure you don’t give a fuck about any of that, do you? For a while I thought you did. Until today. Until I saw you rise to your tiptoes to kiss him the way you always used to kiss me. I get it now, Emilia. You’ve moved on. It’s time I do, too.”

  My fingers trace over the strap of her nightgown and I push it off her shoulder, just as a single tear drops down her cheek. I watch it fall, my heart wrenching painfully.

  “You’re lying to me,” she says, her voice breaking. “Tell me you’re lying to me,” she pleads, and I almost give in. I almost admit that she’s right.

  I lift my hand to her face and wipe away her tears with my thumb. “You don’t want me,” I tell her. “But you don’t want anyone else to have me either, huh? That’s not how life works, Emilia. That’s not how love works.”

  She bites down on her lip as more tears stream down her face, and it breaks my heart. Yet I remain silent. I need this. I need the distance this will create. I need her to understand how she’s been making me feel. All this time I’ve been hoping that eventually she’d change her mind about us, but she won’t. I saw the way she kissed Sam tonight, and I get it now. I lost her. She and I might have history, and she might be a little nostalgic when she’s around me, but that isn’t love, and it’s time I realize it. It’s time I take a step back, before I destroy what little of my heart is left.

  “Go back to bed, Emilia. Go back to Sam. I’m done.”

  She swallows hard, her eyes filled with tears, and I let go of her. I turn to leave, but she pulls on my sleeve and pulls me back. I look at her, my conviction swaying already. I can’t bare to see her so sad. I can’t stand seeing her cry. I never could.

  “Carter, I…”

  “What’s going on here?”

  Emilia and I both turn to find Sam standing in the doorway, and she takes a step away from me, towards him. She wipes at her tears and shakes her head, smiling at him. It’s like his mere presence makes her forget I’m still standing here too.

  “Nothing,” she says, walking up to him. “Carter came home right as I went down to grab a glass of water. We were talking about the past, that’s all.” She grabs his hand and pulls him away. She looks back at me as she rounds the corner, her eyes filled with resignation.

  I sit down on the sofa as her footsteps get further and further away. I inhale deeply and pour myself another drink. Maybe Asher was right all along. She’s going to bed with the man she chose, and here I am, broken all over again.

  Chapter 34

  Carter

  I’m tense as I wait in front of the airport. I’m feeling conflicted as hell. I should’ve spoken to Emilia, but she’s been avoiding me all week. I don’t even blame her. I did everything within my power to push her away.

  Kate walks out with her suitcase in tow, and she grins at me. My heart twists painfully at the sight of her. I love my sister, but now that Emilia is back, all the damage she did feels so fresh. I know better than anyone else that she’s no longer the vicious little girl that she used to be. Hell, I was the one that paid for all the treatments, the psychiatrists, psychologists and even the freaking MBA she decided to do.

  Kate walks up to me and hugs me tightly, and I wrap my arms around her. “Hey baby sis,” I murmur, and she grins up at me.

  “Missed you, Carter,” she says, her eyes twinkling. She looks healthy and happy, but will she still when she realizes Emilia is back? I’m worried. I’m worried about how Emilia might react when she sees Kate again. She’s been avoiding my mother since the day that she came over for lunch, and I’ve barred my Mom from my house for the time being, in an effort to respect Emilia’s wishes.

  I’m quiet as Kate and I step into the car, and she looks at me with interest. “So, she’s back, huh?” Kate says, and I freeze.

  I glance at her, my expression far more tense than I intended. “Stay away from her. She’s going through enough.”

  Kate inhales deeply and looks away, hiding her face from me. I sigh and run a hand through my hair. I’m a horrible brother for feeling this way, but I wish she hadn’t come back for the holidays this year. With John being as sick as he is and Emilia finally back for the first time in years… I just want Emilia to have a peaceful couple of days. I want to protect her from my family as best as I can, the way I should have done years ago.

  “I’m not here to cause conflict,” she whispers, and I nod.

  “I know. I know that, Kate.”

  Even if she doesn’t cause any conflict, seeing her will still be painful for Emilia.

  “I’ll stay with you, away from the house,” Kate says, and I shake my head.

  “You can’t. Just stay with Mom and Dad.”

  Kate bites down on her lip and frowns. “Is she staying with you?”

  I nod. Even merely discussing Emilia makes me uncomfortable.

  “So, you two… are you back together?”

  I glance at her, trying to assess how she’d even feel about that. I can’t find a single trace of viciousness in her gaze, but then again, I missed it for years. “No. She has a boyfriend. He’s here too.”

  Kate looks at me with wide eyes. “Her boyfriend is staying with you too? What the fuck, Carter?”

  I inhale deeply and nod. “It’s complicated,” I say, wanting to keep as much to myself as possible.

  Kate looks shocked and confused, and for a second I think I see devastation in her expression. I look away and focus on the road, my heart twisting painfully. If Kate hadn’t done what she did, would Emilia and I be together now? I keep telling myself that we don’t know if we would’ve made it, and that we were so young… but I believe with every fiber of my being that Emilia would still be mine, if Kate hadn’t taken her from me. It would’ve been me she’d wake up to every day. She’d be my wife by now.

  “Is it serious?” she asks, her voice trembling.

  I nod and bite down on my lip. “They’re moving in together once they go back.”

  Kate looks pale, as though the news hurts her as much as it does me, and for a second I worry that she might try and ruin this for Emilia too.

  “I… I’d been meaning to apologize to her. I mean, it must’ve been quite obvious that I took the job offer in London because that’s where Emilia is, but I just couldn’t do it. I could never find the courage. I don’t know how to face her.”

  I shake my head. “Then don’t. She has a lot on her mind right now. Her father is sick, Kate. Now is not the time to remind her of the past.” Kate nods, but I worry that she won’t listen to me. “Promise me, Kate.”

  She nods again. “I promise, Carter,” she whispers, and I breathe a little easier. It’s fucked up that my sister’s promises don’t mean much to me, but it’s nice to hear her say it anyway.

  “Is she really dating someone else?”

  I grit my teeth and tighten my grip on my steering wheel.

  “Yeah, she is. She’s happy with him.”

  Kate shakes her head. “That’s not possible,” she says, her eyes flashing.

  I inhale deeply and stare at the road, wishing I’d just asked Graham to pick her up instead. “I don’t want to talk about it, Kate.”

  Kate nods and I exhale in relief when she shuts up for the rest of the journey. The upcoming holidays are going to be unbearable. I can’t tell what’s worse, having Emilia here and knowing she isn’t mine, or not having her here at all. Everything is a fucking mess, and I can’t do a thing about it.

  My head is hurting by the
time I pull up to my parents’ house, and it starts to pound when Kate speaks again. “I’m sorry, Carter. I know asking you for forgiveness is too little too late. I know that. But if I can’t say it to her, I’d like to say to you at least. If not for me, Emilia would now be my sister-in-law. We’d all be spending a couple of amazing days together, and she’d be in the kitchen with Mom, cooking up a storm the way she’s always loved doing. Because of me, you lost the love of your life. Because of me, you now have to see her with someone else. Nothing I could ever do will make up for that, but I need you to know how sorry I am. if I could turn back time, I’d take it all back. It was so easy to forget that anything even happened after I got better, to just move on with life… but I know it wasn’t easy for you. If anything, I’m pretty sure every day without her was just harder on you. I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me, but I’ll do whatever I can to make sure you’re proud of the person I am now, even if you can never forgive the person I used to be.”

  I drop my head to my steering wheel and inhale deeply. “Kate, please… just go, okay? Just get into the house. I can’t do this. I can’t.”

  I know she means well, but I can’t tell her what she needs to hear. I can’t tell her that it’s okay, and that I forgive her. Because I don’t. I don’t think I ever will.

  Chapter 35

  Emilia

  I’m anxious as I get dressed. Things between Sam and me haven’t been the same in a while now, and I feel terrible, because I know it’s my fault. I’ve been pulling away from him when he hasn’t done anything wrong. I don’t know how to fix it, and I’m filled with guilt over him flying all the way here to be here with me. I’m torn between the obligation I feel to be with him and what my heart wants, what my soul needs.

  Since the night Carter came home drunk, I just haven’t been myself. I’ve avoided him ever since, unable to look at him and know he truly isn’t mine anymore. My heart feels broken and I feel like I’m mourning our relationship all over again. I thought I was over him, and I thought I was happy with Sam. Until that night. It wasn’t until Carter made it clear that I truly lost him that I realized how much I still care about him. Until then part of me had been taking him for granted. Until then, I thought I’d always own part of his heart.

  Sam kisses my shoulder as I finish putting on my make-up, and I try my best to smile at him. Maybe a day away is exactly what we need. I feel bad about not spending Thanksgiving with Dad, even though I’m finally home for it after so many years, but I just can’t face Carter. I’m terrified he’ll invite Layla, and I can’t do it.

  Sam seems excited as we walk down the stairs, but my heart twists painfully when I see Dad standing at the bottom of the stairs, a hopeless expression on his face. He’s been asking me to spend Thanksgiving with him and the Clarkes for weeks now, but I just don’t think I have it in me. I offered for us to spend Thanksgiving together, just the three of us, but Dad wouldn’t have that.

  “Emilia,” he says, and my heart aches. He looks so sad, and I hate that I did this. “Princess, are you sure you won’t spend Thanksgiving with me?” he asks, his voice soft. He turns to Sam, and the expression on his face guts me. “Sam? Won’t you talk to her? Please… it’s been years since I’ve had my daughter here. I just want one Thanksgiving like the ones we used to have.”

  Sam is caving, I can just see it. He looks at me, distressed. “Darling, maybe we should,” he whispers. He pulls me away from Dad and I sigh. “Would it really be so bad? It looks like it’d mean the world to your dad. I don’t understand why you’re still mad at your neighbors. It’s been years. If you and Carter are on good terms, then what is the problem? Surely you can act civil for an evening?”

  I bite down on my lip and shake my head, and anger flashes through his eyes. He’s been tense since he found Carter and me standing in the living room, all those nights ago. He’s been acting irrational and jealous, controlling even. Nothing I do or say appeases him, especially when it comes to Carter or his family.

  “What does it matter, Emilia? You’re with me now. We’re happy. Whatever happened is in the past. Or do you still care so much about the way things ended between you and Carter that you can’t even spend an afternoon at his old house? Do you really still blame them for standing between you two? Or maybe you’re not over him at all. That would explain why you won’t let me touch you.”

  I grit my teeth and glare at him. Every argument we have keeps circling back to this. He’s insecure about Carter and mad that I won’t sleep with him. It doesn’t matter how much I avoid Carter, Sam just won’t see reason. I told him exactly why I’m still hurt. I told him about everything Kate said and did, and the way Helen sided with her. He knows Kate will be there. He knows the pain they caused me had nothing to do with Carter, and everything to do with the love and trust I thought I shared with them. Yet he still acts like that’s all an excuse, like it’s Carter I’m upset about.

  “Let’s go,” he says. “If you’re over him, then let’s just go. It’d make your Dad happy anyway.”

  I want to tell him no, but I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of arguing with him, and truthfully, I’m just tired of being angry altogether. Maybe this is exactly what I need. Maybe I just need to face Kate and Helen. Holding onto this resentment is killing me on the inside. And maybe, just maybe, seeing Carter happy with someone else is what I need to truly let him go.

  I nod at Sam and force a smile onto my face. “Fine. Let’s go.”

  He looks relieved and smiles at me. Somehow, in his mind, my anger towards Kate and Helen is related to lingering feelings I might have for Carter, but it isn’t. Carter is probably the only person in this that I don’t blame. He was as helpless as I was, and he might very well have been hurt more than I was.

  I follow Sam to the door, and Carter looks up at me in surprise. He glances at Dad, concern flashing through his eyes. “You’re coming with us?” he asks, his voice soft.

  I hesitate and then nod. We haven’t spoken in days now. I haven’t even seen him in what feels like forever. My eyes roam over his face hungrily, my heart twisting painfully. Relief washes over me when I realize Layla won’t be joining us.

  “Don’t,” Carter says, placing his hand my shoulder. “Kate is going to be there, Minx. I don’t want to see you hurting. I don’t want to see you force a smile onto your face. Don’t do this if you don’t want to.”

  Sam pulls me away from Carter with such force that it hurts, and I flinch. “Don’t touch her,” Sam warns. “And her name is Emilia.”

  Carter tenses, and the look in his eyes tells me that he’s close to losing it. I wrap my arms around myself and shake my head. “It’s fine, Carter,” I murmur. “I’m fine. Let’s just go.”

  He glances from me to Sam, his expression tense. Whatever he’s seeing in my eyes must set him at ease, because he nods and gestures for us to walk to the car. He follows close behind us, as though he’s trying to keep an eye on me and Sam, and Sam grabs my hand. He holds on so tightly that my hand hurts, but no matter how hard I try to pull my hand out of his, he won’t let go. I hate seeing him like this. I hate that I’ve made him so insecure. So angry.

  Sam holds my hand throughout the journey, but rather than set me at ease, it just stresses me out even more. By the time we arrive I’m trembling. I feel helpless and hurt, and I don’t want to be here. Carter looks at me with such concern that I force myself to put up a brave front. He looks worried and just as helpless as I feel, and I force myself to smile at him. I want to set him at ease. The last thing I want is for him to worry about me. Carter inhales deeply and walks into the house, and Sam and I follow behind him.

  Sam lets go of my hand to shake William’s and I breathe a sigh of relief. His tight grip hurt my hand, and I didn’t want to agitate him further by pulling my hand out of his. He’s starting to feel like a stranger to me, and I’m starting to feel guilty for causing the change in him. I don’t want to, but part of me wonders if sleeping with him might make things better. Th
e thought makes me feel uncomfortable, but I’ll get over that. I must.

  I’m so focused on my thoughts about Sam and my aching hand, that I don’t even see her standing there. Kate. The girl who was once my best friend. I freeze, and so does she. I guess she didn’t expect me to be here today. Helen recovers from her shock quicker than Kate does, and she smiles at me.

  “Emilia, I’m so glad you decided to come after all.”

  I nod at her, but it’s all too much. Being here, seeing Kate and Helen together. It hurts. It’s all too much. The pain of losing Carter, of losing Kate and Helen, it all comes rushing back. Every memory that has plagued me throughout the years assaults me at once, and I almost burst into tears right then and there.

  Chapter 36

  Carter

  I’m only barely remaining in control of my rage as I sit opposite Emilia. She’s trembling, and I can see the hurt in her eyes. I can see her visibly shrink as she sits there, her shoulders hunched and her eyes on her plate. Sam keeps touching her, and she keeps recoiling. It’s so subtle that I don’t think he even notices, but I do. I notice everything about her. I notice the way she avoids looking at Mom and Kate. The way she stares at her food as though she’s sorry for even existing. I knew this would happen. I knew just being here would make her feel the way she did back then. Like everything that happened was her fault. Like the love she gave out so freely was destructive. Like her presence is ruining things for everyone. None of that is true, but I know my Minx, and I know she won’t be able to stop those thoughts, those doubts. I can see her holding onto her anger as best as she can, but failing nonetheless.

  I watch as Sam extends his hand underneath the table, probably to touch her thigh, and she tenses. She rises from her seat and keeps her head down as she excuses herself. She’s shaking so hard that I have to grip the table to keep from following her.