The Ruins Of Us (Mayhem Book 3)

by Catharina Maura

  Carter glances at the cup and bites down on his lip. “Because it’s a memory I could never let go of. Having that cup made, showing you the writing inside it… whenever I see this, those memories come with it, and it never fails to bring a smile to my face.”

  My heart skips a beat. If I’m honest with myself, that’s probably the very same reason I’ve been using this cup, when there are so many others to choose from. It’s a reminder of better times.

  Carter freezes and looks towards the doorway, and I follow his gaze to find Dad standing there in his pajamas, a long robe keeping him warm. Dad is usually never up this early, and I can’t help but worry. Is he not feeling well?

  “Daddy,” I murmur, trying my best to smile at him.

  He walks into the kitchen, a conflicted expression on his face. “So, he left, huh? Did you guys argue?”

  I glance at Carter, and he smiles at me before slipping out quietly, probably wanting to give me some privacy. I nod at Dad. “Yes, I guess so.”

  Dad sits down next to me and sighs. “I’m sorry, Princess. How are you feeling?”

  I look at Dad and think back to what Sam told me. While Dad hasn’t been pushing me towards Carter in any obvious ways, I do wonder if he might have been doing it subconsciously. Or maybe even very consciously. I always did think it was strange that he’d move in with Carter — and that he’d ask it of me too.

  “Did you even like him, Dad?”

  He looks startled, as though he didn’t expect the question, and smiles tightly. “He’s a nice man, Emilia. It was clear that he adored you, and he really seemed to have his life together. He had a good career plan, and he’d be able to provide you with a good life.”

  I look at him through narrowed eyes. “That doesn’t answer my question, Dad.”

  He smiles at me and shakes his head bashfully. “I’m not sure, Emilia. Sam is very nice and I like him as a person, but you didn’t look all that happy with him. He enabled you to just let life pass you by, while still ticking off all the things you thought you needed to do to be happy. You know, like dating and moving in with someone, and maybe even getting married someday. You looked very content with him, but you didn’t look happy.”

  I frown and look away. I want to refute his words, but I can’t. Was it obvious to everyone but me? In the end even Sam seemed to realize that I wasn’t quite myself with him, so how did I not realize it?

  Dad ruffles my hair and smiles at me. “No matter,” he says. “Life goes on, Princess. I’m sure you’ll find your happiness. I don’t want you to settle, Emilia. You deserve the world.”

  I nod and wipe away a tear that I hadn’t even realized had fallen down my cheek. I drop my head to my dad’s shoulder, feeling lost. It feels like everything in my life has changed and I’m struggling to keep up.

  Chapter 39

  Carter

  I’m a coward and I know it. I sigh as I walk into my parents’ house. I worked late today just to try and keep my mind off Emilia, but it hasn’t helped. All day the only thing on my mind has been that she’s finally single again.

  I can’t even go home because I can’t be sure that I’ll be able to stay away from her. I’ll want to have a drink with her, she’ll smile at me, and I’ll want to get down on my knees and beg her to give us another chance. I can’t be around her right now.

  Kate looks up in surprise when I walk into the living room, and just seeing her guts me. Lately it’s been getting easier to forget how much stands between Emilia and me. Having her in my house and around the office has made it easy to deceive myself — to forget how much pain she’s already been through, just for being with me. I could never ask that of her again.

  “Carter, what are you doing here?” Kate asks, and I try my best to smile at her. I feel horrible for the way I feel around her. I don’t want to resent my own sister, but part of me does. Part of me will probably never be able to forgive her.

  “Hey,” I murmur, dropping down on the sofa beside her. “Thought I’d stay over tonight.”

  Kate frowns and crosses her arms over each other. “Why?”

  I laugh and shake my head. “What, am I not welcome here anymore?”

  Kate purses her lips and looks away. “I just didn’t think you’d come back, considering that Emilia is at your house.”

  I stiffen involuntarily. For years neither Mom nor Kate even spoke her name. I still find it jarring when they do, and part of me takes offence to it. Part of me feels like they don’t even have the right to say her name. It’s fucked up and it’s irrational, but I can’t help it.

  “Did something happen?”

  I run a hand through my hair and lean back on the sofa, exhausted, both mentally and physically. Even my heart is tired. Tired of waiting and wanting. “Emilia and Sam broke up. I thought she might need some space.”

  Kate looks at me with wide eyes and grins. “Oh my gosh, she dumped him? I knew it!”

  I grit my teeth and try my best to temper myself. “What, you couldn’t stand her being in that relationship either?” I say nonetheless. Fucking hell. If this is what I’m like around Kate tonight, then I definitely can’t be around Emilia. Kate’s expression crumples, and for a second I see hurt flash through her eyes, but then she looks away and smiles.

  “I’m sorry, Kate. That was… unwarranted. I apologize.”

  Kate looks at me and shakes her head. “Don’t, Carter. For years you haven’t said a word. For years, you’ve kept it all in. Never, not even once, have you told me that you blamed me for what happened. You’ve stood by me, and you’ve helped me recover. You’ve funded my education and all of the different courses and programs I wanted to do. You’ve never asked me for anything in return, other than me taking care of myself. You’re the best brother I could have ever wished for, but in return I’ve only ever been a horrible sister.”

  She sighs and looks at me, her eyes filled with sorrow. “You think you hide it well, but you don’t. I can tell that you haven’t truly been living ever since Emilia left. Part of the reason I left to go to London was because I couldn’t stand seeing you like this, knowing that I did this to you. I couldn’t live with the guilt, even though I deserved to. So lash out at me all you want, say whatever you want, blame me like I deserve. I don’t mind, Carter. I’m not the weak girl I used to be. I’m not sure you’ll ever see me for who I’ve grown into, but I’ve fought as hard as I could to become someone you might someday be proud of. Someone you’d be happy to call your sister.”

  I’m filled with guilt and shake my head. I should’ve remained in better control over my emotions. I never should’ve let Kate see even the tiniest amount of resentment I feel. She’s my sister, and I love her. The anger I feel towards her is something I can deal with myself. “Kate, like I said, I’m sorry. I am proud of who you are, and I know how hard you’ve worked to get where you are. I’m sorry if I haven’t expressly said that to you.”

  She shakes her head and smiles at me. “That wasn’t the point. I only said what I said because I want you to know that I understand. I understand that you’re mad and you’re hurting, even if you won’t ever admit to it. I see it. I see that you’re unhappy, and it kills me, Carter.

  And you know what? That cold mask you wear has finally started to crack, and it’s because Emilia is back. So yes, I’m happy that she’s single again. I might not have spoken to her in years, but even I could see that the way she looked at Sam wasn’t the same way she’s always looked at you, the same way she still does. I’m not who I used to be, Carter. All I want is for you to be happy. I won’t stand in the way of that, not ever again. I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right, I just don’t know what the right thing to do is.”

  I smile bitterly. “It’s far too late for that,” I tell her honestly. My mind drifts back to the way I found Emilia sitting in the treehouse, crying her heart out and feeling the way she was made to feel years ago.

  “Being with me means Emilia would have to forgive you and Mom, and I don’t think
she ever will. Even if I were crazy enough to tell her that I’ll turn my back on my family to be with her, she’d never let me do it. I know what she’s like, and she’d always worry that I’d one day blame her. She couldn’t ever live with that guilt and uncertainty. Besides, her life is in London, and mine is here.”

  Kate looks so heartbroken that for a second I’m fooled into believing that she understands how I feel, but I doubt that’s true. I doubt anyone truly understands the depth of the sorrow I live with every day.

  “I’m so sorry,” Kate says, her voice trembling. “I did this. I did this to both of you.”

  I shake my head and force myself to smile. “It’s okay, Kate. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. Some people just aren’t meant to be. I guess Emilia and I are like that. Maybe one day it’ll all make sense, or maybe it won’t. Either way, it is what it is. I’ve learned to be okay with that, and you should too,” I say.

  But have I? Have I learned to be okay with it? I doubt it, because every fiber of my being is begging me to go home to Emilia.

  Chapter 40

  Emilia

  “You don’t have to cook dinner for Carter,” I tell Enzo, my heart twisting painfully. He didn’t come home last night, and I can’t stop myself from thinking about him with Layla. “I doubt he’ll be home tonight either.”

  I’m surprised when Carter walks into the kitchen, yawning. Looks like he didn’t get much sleep tonight. My mind flashes back to everything he said to me, everything he told me he did to Layla. Jealousy so fierce fills me that I’m almost brought to my knees.

  I’m supposed to be heartbroken over my relationship with Sam, but all I can think about is Carter. I cross my arms and look at him. “Oh, you’re here,” I murmur, trying my best to hide my feelings. “I was just telling Enzo that he doesn’t have to cook for you, since it looked like you might not come home tonight either.”

  He cups his neck and looks at me, a small smile on his face. He looks like he’s in a great mood, and for once, I hate that smile of his. I hate that another woman brought it to his lips. I hate that someone else caused him to be in such a good mood. I have no doubt what caused it, and I hate that too.

  He smiles at Enzo cheerfully and shakes his head. “I’m here now, and I’m starving, so please do feed me,” he says.

  Enzo nods and gets to work. I purse my lips and lean back against the kitchen counter, my eyes roaming over his body. He smiles at me sweetly, and I can’t help but grimace. He looks tired but happy, the look in his eyes one I’m intimately acquainted with. It’s bliss, and it’s exactly how he used to look after sex.

  By the time dinner is served, my mood plummets even further. I stab my chicken harshly and then bite down on it angrily. My mind keeps replaying scenes I don’t want to imagine, and I grit my teeth.

  “So, the food is good, huh?” Dad says awkwardly. I look up at him and try my best to smile, but I fail miserably.

  Carter grins and nods. “Yes, almost as good as the food I had last night,” he says, smiling. “Now, that was delicious.”

  I look up at him and lock my jaws angrily. My mind automatically takes me back to him describing how he’d go down on me, before he told me he did just that to Layla instead.

  “Oh, what did you eat?” I ask, my voice monotone. I must be a sucker for punishment. Why the hell can’t I just keep my mouth shut?

  Carter smiles and describes some mashed potato dish that sounds straight up weird, and I nod politely. “Well, that’s nice for you, that you got Layla to cook for you. Sounds great,” I say, trying my best to sound unaffected.

  Carter smirks and takes another bite of his food while Dad smiles down at his plate. I’m acting jealous and it’s showing, and I hate that I can’t control my reaction.

  Carter yawns just as we finish up dinner, and I involuntarily glare at him. “Looks like you didn’t get much sleep last night,” I say through gritted teeth, unable to help myself.

  “No, barely slept a wink. Kept getting distracted by the view,” Carter says, grinning.

  My heart jerks painfully and I blanch. I look down at my plate, stricken. My stomach twists with jealousy and I bite down on my lip to reel it in.

  I rise from my seat the second Carter takes his last bite and I grab all of our plates, taking them to the kitchen with me. I dump them in the sink and rinse them angrily, needing an outlet for all the anguish I’m feeling. I know the staff will take care of this if I just leave it in the sink, but I need something to do. I sigh and shake my head. I should be happy for him, but I’m just not. I can’t be.

  I drop my head against the kitchen counter as soon as I’m done. I’m losing it. It hurts so much more than I thought it would.

  I inhale deeply and brace myself before walking back into the dining room, only to find it empty. The veranda sliding doors are open, the curtains moving with the breeze. I hesitate slightly before walking onto the veranda, my eyes finding Carter instantly.

  He’s sitting on the swing, a glass of whiskey in his hands. He looks up at me, and my heart skips a beat. This man… no one has ever been able to make me feel so much with a single look.

  I walk towards him and take his glass from him. I take a sip before putting his glass down. I sit down next to him and look up at the night sky. I didn’t think I’d ever be back here again, sitting next to Carter.

  I turn to face him, my heart racing. “Sounds like you booty called Layla,” I say, unable to help myself. “Or are you guys dating officially now?”

  Carter bursts out laughing and shakes his head. “I do not booty call,” he tells me, his eyes twinkling with amusement. “Now I’m outraged in Spanish.”

  A smile tugs at my lips, but I stomp it down and cross my arms over each other. “Hey, I wonder how Tony is doing,” I say, and Carter’s eyes flash with anger. “I should give him a call. See what he’s up to. That’d be interesting, wouldn’t it? We’d be dating siblings.”

  Carter straightens in his seat and pins me down with a stare. “He works for me, and if he’d like to keep his job, he’d better damn well stay away from you. He stole your first date from me. I’ll be damned if I let him have anything else.”

  I smile at him, pleased with the little bit of possessiveness he’s showing me. I lean back in my seat and look into his eyes. “You didn’t answer my question,” I murmur. “Were you with Layla? Are you dating her?”

  Carter turns to look at me and raises his hand to my hair, brushing it out of my face gently. The way he’s looking at me right now… I want more of that. I want to be the only woman he ever looks at. I’m not sure why I was so blind for so long, why I clung onto a sense of obligation, when my heart so clearly guided me in the right direction.

  “Why? What would you do if I was? Why would you even care?”

  I bite down on my lip and Carter’s eyes follow my every movement. I swallow hard as my gaze drops to his lips. What would he do if I just kiss him right now? What if I fight for him? For what I think we could still have?

  Carter cups my cheek, his thumb brushing over my lips. “I spent last night at home,” he whispers. “I can still see into your room from mine. Nothing has changed, you know. I can never sleep when I go back home. I can’t even get myself to close the curtains. It’s like I want to be tortured.”

  My eyes widen and relief courses through me. I exhale and my entire body relaxes. I didn’t even realize I was this tense. I smile at Carter, and the edges of his lips tug up.

  “Wow, a real smile,” he murmurs, and I grin up at him.

  “I see,” I say, trying my best to play it cool.

  Carter smiles and pulls away. “You’re awfully curious about who I spend my nights with, though.”

  I shake my head, my eyes wide. “Am not,” I whisper.

  “Are too,” Carter whispers right back.

  I grin at him and he smiles back at me. I turn away, my cheeks crimson. Everything he told me about what he did to Layla is still running through my mind, and it still hurts.
For the first time in years, though, I feel the courage to go after what I want, selfishly.

  Chapter 41

  Carter

  I’m surprised when I walk into the kitchen early in the morning to find it empty. Emilia is always there already, a cup of coffee in her hands. I frown and turn the coffee machine on. I guess she’s sleeping in today.

  I sigh, my mood dropping immediately. My mornings with her are my favorite part of my day. On the few occasions that she hasn’t been there, I’ve always been in a bad mood. I take a sip of coffee and lean back against the kitchen counter, my mind drifting back to last night. The jealousy in her eyes, and the way she looked at me… I want more of that.

  I’m startled when Emilia walks into the kitchen, a robe covering her from head to toe. I glance at it in amusement. I’m pretty sure that robe is one of mine. When did she even steal that from me?

  “Morning,” she says, her cheeks flushed. She walks up to me and takes my coffee cup out of my hands, lifting it to her lips.

  “Morning,” I murmur, my eyes roaming over her.

  “I thought I’d come for a swim with you,” she says, her voice soft.

  I grin at her, my fingers tracing over the collar of her robe. “I see.”

  Emilia frowns at me, her smile wavering. “Hey, the water is heated, right?”

  I chuckle and brush her hair behind her ear. “Yes, Minx. It’s heated.”

  She sighs in relief and grins up at me before putting down her coffee cup and taking my hand. I glance at our joined hands in surprise and smirk.

  “Come on,” she says, excitedly. “Let’s go.”

  I let Emilia pull me through the doors. She yelps when her bare feet hit the cold stone and she turns back around, slamming into me. I laugh and wrap my arms around her.