by Meghan Diane
Without thinking, I nodded.
In an instant, her lips found mine. The steady beating of my pulse vibrated in my skull, in my ears. Damn, she’s a good kisser.
We drove home in silence and by the time we had reached my house, I was in full-on panic mode. I put the car in park and stared out the window. I really liked Phoenix. And that kiss. My God that kiss. I closed my eyes for a second, reliving it once more.
I was still lost in a haze as I pulled myself out of the car and I shook my head in an attempt to clear away the thoughts.
“Everything okay over there?” came her voice, teasing me.
“Mhm,” I mumbled as I searched for the keys in my pocket, only for them to slip from my fingers. As I leaned down to pick them off the ground, Phoenix moved closer so that when I stood up we were face to face. My heart was beating out of control.
Phoenix reached up and moved the bangs out of my eyes and whispered, “Don’t be afraid of me.” Then she turned and headed toward the front door.
I thought my heart might explode if the second had lasted any longer. I really liked her. But, damn I was still afraid.
When we finally got into my room, I looked around self-consciously. The records that Ariel helped me hang stared back at me, telling me to relax. I leaned on my desk. “This is it,” I said, motioning to the room, thankful that I remembered to make my bed that morning. She sat down on the light blue comforter.
“I dig it.” She smiled, her eyes falling not on the records, but on the photos below them. Sometimes I almost forget that they were there. I had taken the photos last summer when my niece and nephew had visited. The pictures had become so ingrained in my memory that they just blended into the background. “Halley was right,” she said, moving closer to the photos. “You are really good at this.”
Phoenix continued to remain entranced in the pictures. I could tell by the softness of her face that she liked the photos, admired them even. The heat in my chest returned. Embarrassed, I decided now was a good time to go brush my teeth and change my clothes.
I stared into the mirror at my reflection. “It’s going to be fine,” I told myself. “It’s going to be fine.” I tried to shake off the weird feeling taking over.
“Everything okay in there?” came a voice from outside the door.
I leaned against the wall. “Just fine. Give me one more minute and the bathroom is yours.”
“Oookay,” she sang.
Closing my eyes, I breathed in and out one last time.
“You’re fine,” I coached myself before opening the door. “Totally fine.”
“All yours.” I smiled sheepishly as I walked back into the bedroom. “There’s a towel on the sink in case you want to shower.”
“Thanks.” She smiled back before picking up a stack of perfectly folded clothes and a toothbrush.
She touched my arm as she walked by and the heat rushed to my face again. I looked around for something to do while I waited for her to return. I settled for turning on my record player. I let the waves wash over me as I leaned against my bed, eyes closed again.
I was daydreaming that I was on the top of a cliff, looking out into the ocean. I could hear the sound of the waves hitting the cliff below me and I debated jumping. Just as my foot was about to leave the edge, she spoke.
“Sweet record player.” She pointed toward the source of the music.
I shook the daydream away and tried to focus back on the present, staring now at my old record player. “Thanks, I really love it.”
“I can tell.” She smiled, sitting down beside me. She leaned back against the bed, and closed her eyes too. “I have to get up in five hours to leave,” she groaned.
“I know,” I groaned back. “Want to go to bed now?” I opened my eyes and waited for her to respond, watching her lips as she talked.
“You don’t have to be scared of me,” she repeated. “If you want to just sleep, we can just sleep.” A smile curled up on her lips.
I loved that smile. But more importantly, I loved that she could read me like a book. I loved that I didn’t have to say it out loud for her to know that I wasn’t ready. “Okay,” I whispered back.
“Good.” She stood up and reached for my hand. “Now let’s go to bed. I am going to cuddle you though. You’re not getting out of that.”
A smile lit my face. “Oh good.”
Chapter Fourteen
“So how did it go?” Cassie asked, nearly tackling me as I walked through the door.
I wiped the sleep from my eyes and smiled. “It was good. We had a really great day yesterday.”
Cassie was eyeing me intently, waiting. I looked around to see if there were any customers. It was a Sunday morning and the crowd didn’t normally come in until about lunchtime. I hoisted myself up onto the counter while Cassie sat down on the floor, leaning against a bin of records.
“We went to my favorite little restaurant on the Highrise and then walked after. She told me more stories about the stars and I absolutely swooned.”
“Uh-huh, uh-huh,” she motioned, rushing my story along. “And did you hook up? Did you kiss? Come on give me the details already.”
I grinned down at her, thinking of last night. No we hadn’t hooked up. She did exactly as she promised. We crawled into bed, and she had put her arm out, motioning for me to come lay on her chest. She held me all through the night, and I fell asleep listening to the rhythmic beating of her heart. I was happy, but there was still something holding me back. Instinctively I felt for the coin in my pocket.
“Why are you frowning,” Cassie questioned. “Did something go wrong? Oh God, can you just tell me already?”
My eyes narrowed as I contemplated that thought. “No,” I said, still frowning at her. “We didn’t hook up, but we did kiss. And it was a pretty great kiss.” I winked.
Cassie jumped up off the floor. “Then why didn’t you hook up already?”
I looked down at my feet, the scuffs on my Converse shoes almost mocking me. “I don’t know, I’m just not ready I guess.”
“It’s been months since you broke up with that Reese. Don’t let her hold you back. And if something is holding you back, well then maybe it’s something else.”
I raised my eyebrow at her in response.
“Hey, I’m just saying.” She raised her hands up in surrender. “There are plenty of other girls out there if this one isn’t the one. And”—she waved her phone at me—“if you need help finding them, I’ll give you this one that’s texting me right now. She’s blowing up my phone. I’d gladly hand her over.”
I rolled my eyes. “Hanna is all yours. And sloppy seconds are not really my thing.”
“First of all, it’s not Hanna.”
I raised my eyebrows. “You have my attention.”
“And second of all,” she continued, “we haven’t hooked up. Yet. And hello, you haven’t even let me tell you about her.”
“Oh please do.” I gestured for her to continue.
“Okay, for starters I don’t need that kind of lip from you.” She gave me a pointed stare.
“Sorry, sorry,” I giggled. “Please go on, oh wise one.”
She pretended to wipe a piece of dust off her shoulder. “As I was saying. She’s really hot. She’s the perfect combination, blond hair, blue eyes. She goes to the gym after work.” She tilted her head to the side. “Do I need to go on, or are you getting the picture yet?”
I let out a short laugh. “I think I’m getting the picture. As much as she seems like a very nice young lady, I think this one’s all yours.”
“Right, right,” Cassie said. “You’re into the whole let’s talk about feelings and futures, and all that garbage. Blah, blah, blah.”
“Stereotypical lesbian right here.” I pointed to myself. “What can you do?”
“I’ll tell you what you can do.” She stood up. “You can take my advice for once and hook up with other girls.” She swatted my knee as she walked by. “It’s fun, I promise.”
I
blew the bangs away from my eyes. “And you can take my advice and call Hanna,” I replied, but she was either already too far away to hear, or too busy pretending to not hear. “Oh Cassie.”
The next week went along the same as usual. I went to work, Cassie and I played around to make the time go faster, and I did my job. At night I would talk to Phoenix on the phone. This was the best part of my day. I loved our conversations. I loved letting her voice lull me to sleep as she talked about her day and her hopes for the future. She would tell me about the things she was studying. I would tell her about the crazy customers that had come in that day. It was nice, comforting even.
But as I lay on my floor, the sounds of my record player once again filling the empty space, I wasn’t sure how I felt. I couldn’t imagine not talking to Phoenix at night, but I also couldn’t imagine what our future would look like. I couldn’t picture marrying her or starting a family with her. I could picture going to dinner with her at night. I could picture telling her about my workday with her listening intently. I could picture her supporting my photography and coming to my photo shoots. But, I couldn’t picture an “us.” And it was starting to worry me. Maybe I really wasn’t ready for a relationship. Maybe I still needed some time for myself.
I stared up at the ceiling, willing the answers to come to me, but I knew they wouldn’t. Why did life have to be so hard and complicated? I squeezed my eyes shut. I just wanted to call Madison and have her walk me through it, but I already knew what she would say.
“Hey sunshine,” I cooed as I walked through the door of Royal Records the next morning.
“Hey,” came an annoyed voice from behind the front counter.
I frowned and headed toward her, leaning on the counter with my elbows. “What’s wrong?” I asked, searching her face for a sign of the cause. I hated to see her upset. I hated seeing the crease lines on her forehead as she tried to figure it out on her own inside her head. I wanted to go and hug her, but I knew that was off limits, so I waited, still leaning on the counter.
“It’s nothing. Just that girl I was talking to.”
“Which one? Hanna or the blonde that works out?”
She looked over at me and glared. “The blonde. Hanna and I aren’t talking right now, remember?”
“Oh right, right.” I laughed. “So the blonde…”
“Right, well, I took her out the other day, and we had a really great time,” she confessed, wiggling her eyebrows at me. “But then two days later she tells me she’s busy. Which is weird, right, ’cause she was always blowing up my phone.”
“Mhm.” I listened intently, watching the rise and fall of her face as she talked. She was really beautiful, even without makeup. I still felt the urge to hug her. “I remember. I also remember you trying to give her to me.”
“Right well, we both knew you’d never take me up on that offer.” She rolled her eyes. “But back to my problem.” She blew out a breath. “Well, I came to find out she got back together with her ex-boyfriend, so that’s fun.”
“Oh noooo.” I decided now was as good of a time as any and I walked around the counter to give her a quick hug. “Now what?”
She threw her hands in the air. “Now I give up girls forever. They’re so fucking annoying.”
I laughed. “Now that I agree with. Girls are annoying. But we both know you won’t give them up. They’re so fun,” I mimicked. “And I’m surprised you’re giving up on this one.”
She shook her head from side to side. “I see what you did there, and not funny.” She made sure to glare at me before continuing. “And she and the boyfriend seem serious enough. Something about having been engaged before.” She waved her hand in the air. “I don’t really know.”
“Cassie!” I yelled. “You seem to have failed to mention that part the other day when you were telling me about her.”
“Right well. They were broken up at the time, so it wasn’t important knowledge. But now they’re back together and I don’t want to wreck someone else’s happiness. That’s not my place.”
“That’s very mature of you.”
She nodded her head, her hair falling into her eyes. I reached up and brushed the bangs away, pausing long enough to notice the freckles on her nose. Funny I never noticed those before.
“Ugh,” she groaned. “Why does it all have to be so complicated?”
I gave her a sideways smile. “Maybe you need to start taking lessons from me instead, and talk about feeeeelings,” I taunted. “And maybe even call Hanna,” I suggested.
She shook her head from side to side. “Uh, no thank you.” Then she looked up and focused her gaze on me. “Tell me about your life. Are you still unsure about Phoenix?”
I rolled my eyes and took my usual post up on the counter. “And how do you know I’m unsure?”
She gave me a knowing look. “Because you seem happy but not complete. You’ve been walking around all mopey for the past week, like you’re still searching for something. And you didn’t hook up with the girl when she slept in your bed. And you weren’t even interested when I tried to set you up with this girl. I mean what does that tell you?”
I looked down at my worn Chucks once more. They weren’t going to tell me the answers, but I wished they would. “Yeah I know. I just don’t know where to go from here. I mean…” I began to wring my hands. “At this point we’re like kind of committed. It’s almost awkward if I jump ship now, you know?” I was almost pleading, trying to talk myself into a situation that I knew wasn’t right. The more I talked about it, the more I realized maybe it wasn’t.
“But something’s missing, dear,” she said. “And if you don’t have the total package, you might look elsewhere. Trust me that never goes well. It’s better to be upfront about it.”
I stared back at her, into those eyes. I knew deep down she was right. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. I liked Phoenix, and I liked who I was with her. I liked our late-night chats. But Cassie was right. Something was missing.
“I just don’t know where to go from here.” I breathed out. “It’s almost like I’m trapped already. And I hate that I’m using the word trapped for something that could potentially be good. I hate that I don’t know what I want. And I hate that I can’t figure it out.”
“Well,” she said as she pushed off my knees and away from me. “I told you before, and I’ll tell you again. If you don’t know by now, maybe that’s your sign.”
Maybe it was.
Chapter Fifteen
My true sign came a week later. I’d let the days pass one by one since Cassie and I had our last talk. I still hadn’t brought it up with Phoenix and I wasn’t sure I was ready to. It felt like I was breaking up with someone who I really liked, and it hurt. So I just kept going the way I was going, but something was different. I could tell and she could too. It was something we just didn’t address.
I was organizing some of the new pop vinyl when I saw her walk in. It took all I had not to stare. She was gorgeous, with long flowing blond hair that went halfway down her back. My cheeks flushed and I looked away, hoping she didn’t notice. When I looked back up, I came face to face with a set of the most beautiful hazel eyes I had ever seen. There was no pretending now; she had to see how red my face was. Could I be any more embarrassing? Get it together Aurora.
“Hi-i-i-i,” I stuttered. “Can I help you find something?” When in doubt, let your inner salesperson take over.
Her eyes still hadn’t left mine and I was starting to grow uncomfortable. “No, no, I’m just looking around.”
I quickly glanced around the store, scanning the other customers. “Have you ever been here before? Can I give you a tour?” Out of the corner of my eye I could feel Cassie staring at us. I narrowed my eyes in her direction. I’m gonna kill you.
“Sure, lead the way.” She smiled.
I walked her down the rows. Explaining the sections. Jazz, oldies, newbies, and my favorite section: Alternative Pop. “Now here is where you’ll find all of t
he good ones. Assuming you like good music, of course,” I said in an almost condescending way.
She let out a little laugh. “Well, I know that I like good music, it’s really more a question of whether or not you do. Though given the shirt that you’re wearing, I’d have to say that your taste can’t possibly be too bad.”
I smiled back at her. Smooth talker eh? The Coldplay shirt always gets the girls. “Okay, well I’ll let you have a look around. Let me know if you need anything. I’m Aurora, by the way,” I stated as I held out my hand for her to take.
“Berkeley.” She smiled, putting her hand in mine.
“Nice to meet you. Again, let me know if you need anything.”
I practically bolted away from her. I was so flustered that it wasn’t until I ran directly into Cassie that I looked up.
“Oh yeah?” was all that Cassie said.
I blushed again. “Shut up.” I glared and swatted at her again as I made my way up to the front counter.
“It’s time for your break,” Jason said to me as he looked up from the computer.
I didn’t want to go, not with her still in the store. But he eyed me expectantly. “Okay, be back in fifteen then.”
I walked out the back door, kicking myself for what I had done. A cute girl comes into the store and not only do I embarrass myself, but now I have no chance at all. I leaned against the building and closed my eyes. I glanced at my watch every two minutes to see if it was time to go back in. Stop Aurora, you’re being ridiculous.
At thirteen minutes, I practically bolted back into the store. I scanned the aisles. She was gone. Of course she was gone.
“Hey,” Cassie cooed, coming up behind me. “Who you looking for?” She smirked.
“You know who I’m looking for. But of course she’s gone, because that’s how my life is.”
“She left about three minutes ago. She was pretty cute huh?”
I glared again. “Yeah, you don’t have to tell me.”
She had a devilish grin on her face. “Well luckily for you, I am an amazing wingman.”