by Meghan Diane
My eyebrows shot up. “Excuse me?” I asked.
“You heard me.” She handed me a folded piece of paper. “Here.”
“No way,” I breathed out.
“Way.” She laughed, and walked away.
In my hand I now held her number. I nearly skipped to the front counter of the store, a goofy-looking smile on my face.
Then it hit me, and my stomach dropped. Phoenix.
* * *
“I just don’t know what to do,” I explained to Madison over the phone. I was lying on my bed, and I couldn’t get the girl from the store out of my head. “I really do like Phoenix, I just don’t know if it’s the right decision. I don’t know if it’s too soon and I don’t know if I’m ready for the jump. You know?”
“I know, my love, I know. And maybe the fact that you’re even thinking about it is your answer.”
I sighed into the phone. “But I really do like Phoenix. There’s just something that isn’t fully clicking for me. But it’s really upsetting because we click on so many levels and I don’t know what’s holding me back.”
“Like you said, maybe you’re just not ready. I say go for it. Call up that girl and go out with her. Maybe you and Phoenix are just meant to be friends? What’s the worst that could happen?”
“What’s the worst that could happen? Phoenix could flip out, that’s the worst that could happen. And then what if I lose that chance forever?”
“Well then it wasn’t meant to be.”
“You mean it wasn’t meant to be because I chose to do something that could hurt her feelings. Ugh, you’re no help.”
“Listen,” Madison breathed out. “I just think you should see where this thing goes with the girl from the store. If you go and it’s bad, you’ll know right away. But if you go and it’s good, well then you’ll have your answer that way too.”
I rolled over on the bed. “I know, but I just wish I could see into the future to know what would happen.”
“Don’t we all,” she laughed.
“But I don’t even know how to bring it up to Phoenix. Like what do I even doooo?”
“That’s a tough one, dear. That, I’m not sure. But I do think you should be honest. ’Cause if you do go on a date with this other girl and she finds out, you’re going to be in an even deeper hole.”
I sighed again. “Why does life have to be so hard, Madison? Why can’t it just be easy?”
“Then I would have nothing to pick on you for.”
“Ugh, I hate you.”
“You love me. And Aurora? Just remember, it hasn’t been six months yet. I gave you my token for a reason. Maybe it’s time to really start thinking about why.”
I groaned. She was right. As always. “I know. Thanks Madison.”
Chapter Sixteen
When I woke up the next morning, I groaned because I knew nothing had changed. I was still stuck in this awkward position with Phoenix. Why do I have to make things so difficult?
Slowly I pulled myself out of bed and headed toward the coffee machine. I spilled the grounds all over the counter on my first attempt. Nice going, Aurora.
“Rough morning?” came Ariel’s voice from behind me.
“You could say that. Rough life more so.” I scooted over to allow her some room in the kitchen.
“Girl problems?” she asked, pouring herself some of my coffee.
I handed her the creamer. “You know it.”
“You’re so silly. How about we watch some TV tonight?” she asked. “You know, get your mind off it for a while. And plus, I miss you.”
“You know that’s a splendid idea, we’re behind on our movie dates.”
“If you’re nice, I’ll even cook dinner.”
My face lit up. I loved when she cooked for me. “You’re the best, Ariel.”
I watched as she walked out of the kitchen. I really needed to hang out with her more. I’d been spending so much time caught up in Phoenix and Cassie that we hadn’t gotten much time to sit down and just chill. I should bring her some wine tonight too.
Slowly I walked back to my room, carrying my cup of coffee, trying desperately not to spill it. I had the day off and I still wasn’t quite sure what to do with the rest of it before my TV date with Ariel.
I was lying on my bed trying to drown out my thoughts with the sound of my record player when my phone rang.
I shot up so fast that my phone went skidding across the room.
“Hello?”
“Oh hey,” came Phoenix’s voice.
I relaxed into the phone. “Oh hey.”
“Whatcha getting into?” her innocent voice asked.
“Oh not too much, just listening to some music. Are you on your lunch break?”
“Yup, just walked out of the office and I’m still trying to decide between Mexican and Thai.” Then in a moment that I never saw coming, her tone changed. “Can we talk about something?”
My stomach dropped. “Umm, yes?” I half asked, my voice shaking. Oh God. “What’s up?”
“You’re acting weird.”
“Oh.” So she could tell. I let the line hang there. I wasn’t ready to admit to something that I wasn’t sure I had to admit to.
“What’s going on over there? We talk about everything.”
I slumped to the floor. Here we go.
“A girl left me her number at work yesterday.” I waited. The silence was deafening against the speaker. “And well, I didn’t know what to do.” I waited some more.
“Why didn’t you know what to do?” she asked.
“Well…” I stumbled. “Well ’cause I don’t know what we are. And I think we are kind of seeing each other. But I’m not, like, one hundred percent sure and…”
“Why are you telling me this?” she asked.
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
“Like do you want to go on a date with this girl?” she asked. I could feel the anger ebbing at the sides.
“I-I-I don’t know.” The line was silent once more. “I mean, I’m just not sure what I want.”
“I see,” she said. “Well, I think for my sake, maybe we should take some time, like a week. And in the week you can kind of decide what you want. And I can decide if this is what I want.”
“But—” I stammered.
She cut me off before I could protest. “You can go on your date with this girl. And who knows, maybe I will go on a date too.”
My face burned. “But…”
“But what, Aurora? Do you see another solution? You obviously aren’t sure if you want to date just me. So I think for both of our sakes, we just need to take some time to think about all of this.”
I was close to tears, but I wasn’t going to cry with her on the phone. Isn’t this kind of what I wanted. She’s giving me the option, just take it Aurora. But it hurt. It hurt more than I thought it would. My heart was burning inside of me.
“Aurora?” she asked. “Does this sound fair to you?”
“Umm,” I choked out. “I mean not really. But I guess so.” I was talking in circles, and I knew it.
“Okay. Well then let’s take a week.”
The line clicked, and I was left with silence. I smacked my palm against my head. Well, there went that.
* * *
I spent the rest of the day alternating between the floor of my bedroom and the kitchen. I’d had a turkey sandwich and some chips. I’d made pasta, twice. And a mound of junk food was piling up beside me. The empty chocolate ice cream carton taunted me. I threw the empty package of Oreos on top to silence the judgment.
I’d taken to lying on my back on the floor, staring mindlessly up at the ceiling. At some point I must have closed my eyes, and only opened them because I’d heard my door open.
I peeked open one eye at the intruder. Ariel stood in the doorway, staring at the mess.
“I see the day got better after I left for work.”
I frowned at her. “Yeah, it did.”
“Well, I’ll st
art dinner, and then you can tell me all about it. Deal?”
“Deal.”
I picked myself up off the floor and slowly gathered my mess, taking it to the kitchen. Ariel stood at the counter cutting chicken. I spotted the peppers and an onion beside her and grabbed a knife to help out.
“What are we making, boss?”
“Italian chicken, ’cause I know how much you love it.”
“You’re the best.” She was right. It was my absolute favorite. The night was starting to look up. “How was your day? Anything exciting happen?” Ariel worked at the local coffee shop. She’d been working there for three years now and she ran the whole place. I loved going there, not only to see her, but because of the atmosphere. They had couches that I loved to sink into. They even had local artwork on the walls. It had a very homey feeling to it, and Ariel always gave me the hook-up when I came to visit.
“Ah just the usual.” She turned to me and pointed her knife. “Did I tell you what happened the other day though?” When I shook my head no, she continued. “Oh my God, it was amazing.”
She was waving the knife in the air now. I loved watching her when she got this animated. She was silly and that was part of the reason I was so drawn to her. Well, that and she took care of me in any way she could. She was my protector. She let me move in when I needed it, she always gave me coffee and free treats. And on nights like tonight she cooked dinner for me.
“So this guy comes in with this girl right? And they’re all chummy at the register. His hands are in her back pockets. Like it was clear that they had just started dating. So they order and I try not to gag. Of course they take the couch in the corner and proceed to make out. This goes on forever. Then the guy’s cell phone goes off and he reads the message and shows it to the girl. The girl gets up and moves to the chair beside the couch instead. Five minutes later, this other girl walks in. She sits down on the couch beside the boy. Mind you, I’m standing at the bar, eyes wide.”
“Oh, you would. I believe it,” I chimed in.
“So they all sit there for I don’t know, thirty minutes, and my anxiety starts to simmer. I go back to making lattes and put the situation out of my mind. I was in the middle of making someone’s latte—double shot of espresso, light on the milk, no whip bullshit—when it goes down.”
“Oh nooooo.”
“Oh yes. You can see where this is going. I hear this high-pitched squeal and I swear I jump three feet in the air, and the coffee I was making was no more. The girl on the couch gets up, opens the lid of the perfect latte that I had made, and pours it right onto the other girl’s lap before yelling ‘You bitch! You’re my best friend!’ I shit you not, I cannot make this stuff up. She storms out the door, leaving everyone to stare at the d-bag boy and the girl—who is now covered in coffee. Here I am, super pissed about having lost the latte that I was working on. I look at the two and say ‘Out.’ They hesitated at first, until I gave them ‘the look’ and then they bolted.
“Dang, at least they were smart enough to leave.” I was halfway done with cutting the onion before I realized I’d been cutting the pieces too small. I looked up at Ariel, a guilty look on my face.
“It’s okay, I was wondering when you would notice. It’s all the same no matter how big they are.” She waved her knife at me. “Finish it off.”
Always my protector.
“Man why do I always miss the good stuff?”
“Maybe because you’re at home wallowing instead of visiting me at work,” she said, raising her eyebrow at me.
“That’s a very fair point. You win.”
She began to throw the chicken and my veggies into a glass pan and smother them in Italian dressing before popping them in the oven. “So what should we watch tonight?”
“Nothing with love in it,” I said, sticking out my tongue.
“Fair enough. Let’s go have a look.”
We settled on a movie with Channing Tatum. I took a seat on the floor, leaning against the couch. We were halfway through the movie when we heard the gentle ding of the timer.
I jumped up instinctively. “I’ll get it. You did all the work, so you sit tight.”
When I walked back into the room, two plates filled with food, I noticed she had paused the movie. “You didn’t have to do that. I would have caught up.” I gestured a plate toward the TV so she’d know what I was referring to.
“Oh no,” she answered, reaching for one of the plates in my arms. “I want to watch the movie with you. That’s the whole point, isn’t it?”
I smiled down at her before taking my spot on the floor.
“Why do you always sit there? You know we have a perfectly good couch.”
“Oh I know, but it’s just better here.”
“If you say so,” she said before pushing play on the movie.
Two scenes and one heartbreak later, I had finished my food. “That was delicious as always.”
“And you ate it all, as always,” she teased. “Are you going to go back for round two?”
“Hey, don’t hate.”
“Oh I’m not.” She shifted her position on the couch and then uttered the one word I wasn’t ready for her to say. “Sooooooo.”
“Oh brother.” I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the couch.
“Tell me what happened.”
I told her all about the weekend with Phoenix. I told her about the walk. I told her about the stars. I told her about the kiss. And then I told her about Berkeley. And finally, I told her about what happened earlier in the day.
“Dang. No wonder you were wallowing all day. But I don’t understand why you don’t just go for it with Phoenix. You clearly like her, unless I’m missing something.”
“I know. But something’s just not right. And then there’s Berkeley. I mean, I kinda really want to go out with her. What does that say?”
At some point in our conversation she had begun to play with my hair, and I leaned back into her.
“It says you’re scared, but go out with this girl. See how it goes, and if it crashes and burns then it does. Phoenix gave you free rein. Now’s your chance.”
“We’ll see,” I moaned. “Let’s just watch this movie for now okay? You know how I feel about Channing.”
“Fine, but this isn’t over.”
I smiled to myself. It was comforting knowing that Ariel cared about me, and nights like these really were my favorite.
“Love you too,” I whispered.
Chapter Seventeen
I waited another day before finally getting the courage to text Berkeley. I decided to walk to work in an attempt to try and calm my nerves. So far it wasn’t helping. Not even the sweet melodies of my favorite Coldplay album could help me. It was hard to concentrate on anything past the thud thud thud of my heart beating in my ears.
Just text her already, Aurora. When did you become such a pansy?
“Fine!” But what do I even say? Do I say something about the store? Do I joke with her about leaving her number? Oh God, do I even know how to flirt?
I rolled my eyes at myself. “You deserve to be alone,” I said out loud.
My heart began to beat even faster. This was my body’s not-so-subtle way of telling me that I was about to do something whether I wanted to or not. I stared down at the screen and began to type as fast as I could. I had this really weird theory that if I typed really fast, it’s almost like it never happened. I had a similar theory about character count—if I typed it faster, then maybe the word count wouldn’t matter, or it would be different this time. It’s one of my more illogical theories. God, I’m so weird.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I hit send.
Hey :) :)
My heart beat in my chest while I waited for a reply.
Hi :)
My nerves took a nosedive. I didn’t actually know what to say so I panicked and didn’t respond. That seemed to be my go-to response lately. Silence. I walked the rest of the way to work, my head down, my black
Chucks leading the way, one foot in front of the other.
As I walked in the door I felt the familiar buzz in my pocket.
How’s work?
Now my confidence was back.
I just got here, but it would be better if more cute girls walked into the store.
I smiled to myself.
How about I take you out for dessert instead? Say Thursday?
My cheeks flushed.
Happens to be my favorite meal.
“Whatcha smirking about over there?” came a voice from behind me. Of course Cassie would catch me.
“Nothing,” I laughed. “Just the girl from the other day.” I wiggled my eyebrows at her.
“Oh yeah?” Cassie poked my side. “Good for you.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I smiled back at her. “How are things with Hanna? I know you always pretend that’s over, but I saw her name come up on your phone the other day.”
Cassie pretended to be shocked.
I laughed. “You can’t hide things from me.”
She turned to walk away, a rag in her hand. “I don’t know why I even try. We’re done though, finito.”
“Riiiiiight,” I called after her. “Riiiiiight.”
I walked around the counter and clocked in. “On the clock and ready to rock,” I mumbled to myself, but I spent most of the day texting Berkeley instead.
* * *
By Thursday I was a bundle of nerves. We agreed to meet at a bakery on 4th Street at eight p.m. I had already showered and dressed and I still had time to spare. The bakery wasn’t far from where I liked to walk, so I picked myself up and headed that way. I was hoping the walk would calm me down, but ten minutes in I was even more nervous than when I had started.
This is a bad idea. A really bad idea. What am I doing? I was full-on panicking at this point. Dating? I don’t do this casual dating thing. I think I’m going to die. Yes, I’m going to die. Just turn around, said the voice in my head. Just say you couldn’t make it.
“No I have to do this!” I shouted back at myself.
I only had about two more minutes of walking when I decided this really was a terrible idea. Before I realized what I was doing I walked right past the bakery and just kept walking. Get it together, Aurora. Get it together.