by Meghan Diane
I couldn’t stop though. I just kept walking. When I looked down at my phone I had three text messages. She was there, and was I close?
Just tell her you’re sorry and you can’t make it.
I typed out the message on the screen and just stared. Don’t do this, Aurora. Don’t be a pansy.
With one quick swipe, I deleted the message and turned around.
As I got closer to the restaurant I realized it was going to be classy. It was made of brick, but not traditional red brick. It was a thicker white brick that gave it more of an Italian flair that you see in movies. I like Tiramisu; maybe this won’t be so bad after all. I shook my head, and I took one last look at the sky before walking in.
There were cakes in a display case in the front. I looked around, taking note that a lot of the girls were wearing dresses. “Shit,” I swore to myself as I looked down at my black jeans and trusty Converse shoes. Why did it always seem like the scuffs on my Chucks were mocking me? I really need to get new shoes.
I walked to the back, trying not to trip. This was always the worst part about meeting up with someone. I hated having to search people’s faces, looking for the familiar spark in someone else’s eyes. It made me feel like a deer in the headlights.
But when my eyes finally met hers, I remembered why I had come.
She was cute. Really cute. Maybe this won’t be so bad. And she was wearing jeans and Chucks too. Slowly, I let out the breath I was holding.
“Hey-y-y,” I stammered. I watched as she moved to stand up.
“Hey,” she sang back and leaned down to embrace me in a quick hug. She wasn’t much taller than me, but it was enough to notice.
“It’s nice to see you again.” We had finally settled in across from each other at the small table. She smiled at me. I shifted in my seat, nervous from the attention.
“I’m sorry that I was late. I miscalculated that last hill.” Well kind of anyway. I looked around while she responded. The table we were at was intimate, but ordinary at the same time. Interesting.
“You’re totally fine,” she replied.
I moved the candle on the table to the side. The last thing you need to do is catch something on fire, again. She raised an eyebrow but didn’t ask.
When I took a closer look at her, I noticed that although she was wearing Chucks as well, she had taken her time to get ready. Her hazel eyes radiated behind her perfectly curled eyelashes. Damn she’s pretty. It took all of my power not to look at the necklace that she had strategically placed on a plunging neckline.
But as we sat there having small talk, I couldn’t help but think how this wasn’t the same as with Phoenix. The conversation didn’t just flow. And it didn’t feel intimate either. We were learning facts about each other, but nothing too personal. Where are you from? How many siblings do you have? Where did you go to school?
These were all important things, but there wasn’t much to it. I was used to my conversations with Phoenix by now; the hard-hitting questions, the talks about vulnerability. What was Phoenix still hiding?
As the night wore on, I still didn’t have a clue as to where it was heading. Are we going to do anything after? Is it going to end now? I looked at the table in front of me. I had chosen the tiramisu like I knew I would, and it was amazing. I’d left one bite, just in case Berkeley caved and wanted to try it at the last second.
She’d chosen a double chocolate cake, one of those ones where it was just layer upon layer of different kinds of chocolate. It seemed like overkill to me. But lots of Americans seemed to like it, so I knew I had to be the outlier.
“Do you want to go for a walk?” I asked.
She gave me a blank stare before replying, “Yeah sure.”
We walked side by side, continuing our small talk for nearly ten minutes. I didn’t feel that charge that I felt when I walked with Phoenix. I didn’t feel that urge to reach out and grab her hand, and when she reached out for mine, I hesitated before finally giving it up. Funny, I didn’t think to bring my subway token.
“There’s a bench coming up, do you want to sit down for a little while?” Berkeley asked.
“Sure.”
I slid onto the bench and peered up at the sky. The stars were beautiful again tonight. It’s almost a waste.
I was zoning out, thinking about all of the stories that Phoenix had told me. My eyes instinctively landed on Cassiopeia as always.
“I like being here with you,” she whispered.
I blinked, trying to register what she had just said. Was she having a better evening than I was?
“Yeah, it’s nice. I could spend every night out here walking and looking at the stars. It’s my calming place, my center.”
Then, before I could stop it, Berkeley leaned over and put her lips on mine. And when she deepened the kiss, I let that happen too. We stayed there making out for what seemed like forever. My mind played back stories of the stars while we kissed. And when she pulled away I stared into her eyes. I tried to see what she saw. I tried to see what I was missing.
The twinkle in her eyes told me she was having a good time, but then why did I feel this way? Why did I feel like I was making a mistake I couldn’t undo?
“Want to start walking back?” I asked as I stood up. Anything to get us off this bench. It wasn’t that Berkeley wasn’t a good kisser, she was. My lips were still buzzing. But I was ready for this night to be over.
“Yeah sure.” She stood up and intertwined her fingers with mine.
For twenty minutes we walked in silence. I stared at the night sky and she stared at her feet.
Berkeley finally spoke, scaring me out of my thoughts. “I think I’ll veer off here,” she said, pointing. “I’ve got work in the morning and it’s getting late.”
I felt a pang of disappointment. But it was a disappointment more in myself, because I had let the night fizzle out.
“Okay,” was all I could manage. We hugged goodbye but like the night, it felt a little off kilter. Berkeley leaned in and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before turning and walking away.
I set off in the other direction. Why did I feel so weird? That wasn’t so bad, was it?
I looked up at the stars again, waiting, hoping that they would tell me what I needed to know.
Phoenix, was their response.
“Shut up,” I said aloud as I continued to walk.
But the truth was, I did want to call her. I missed our talks. I missed how serious they were. I missed how not serious they could be too. I missed the laughter, and her voice. Yeah, I missed her voice most of all.
Chapter Eighteen
The next day at work I replayed my date with Berkeley. Was I being weird, did it go okay? Should I ask her if she wants to go out again? Cassie found me staring off into space, and I was instantly embarrassed.
“Lost somewhere?” she asked with a sly grin.
The blood rushed to my cheeks and I looked down at my feet. “I had that date last night, just trying to decipher how I feel about it.”
“Well,” she said, grabbing my hand. “If you’re still trying to decide if you had a good time maybe there is your answer. You usually know right away if you had a good time.” She watched my face as she said this and I only nodded, knowing she was right. I was starting to feel like Cassie and Madison were giving me the same advice over and over again. “But maybe you should go out with her one more time just to see?”
“Maybe,” I said, before reaching around her and picking up the rag from the counter, making sure to accidentally hit her with it along the way. I smiled and began dusting off the records closest to me. They didn’t need to be dusted off and we both knew it. The person who opened the store in the morning was always in charge of the records near the register, and that person today was her.
I just didn’t want tell her about our little make-out session on the bench because I knew what she would say.
Never to be deterred, she swiped the rag from my hand. “I think you should just try
it, so you know.”
“Is that your philosophy for everything?” I asked. “Just try it? Because if so, I’m scared for you.”
“Funny, you’re real funny.” She glared at me before finally choosing to roll her eyes in defeat. I rolled my eyes right back.
She continued to hold on to my rag, so I knew there was something more that she wanted to talk about. I wheeled around and hoisted myself up on the counter to my usual spot. I peered down at my Chucks. Same scuffs, different day.
“So what have you been up to?” I asked, trying to change the subject away from Berkeley.
She grinned and I knew she was up to something. “Well I’m working on this new thing. You know about the movement pushing for women to be allowed to go topless in public?”
My face turned even redder than before. “No-o-o,” I stammered. “I don’t know, not really.” Suddenly it was all I could do to not imagine her topless. Eww. What’s wrong with you, Aurora?
She smiled, knowing she had made her point. “Well, as you do probably know, it’s been legal for guys to go around topless for quite some time now. Only women are not allowed to. And so I’m part of this movement for equality. Specifically, equality for women who want to breastfeed in public.”
“Oh,” was all I could manage. But, I knew she would keep going. So I just stood and watched her become more and more animated. It was kind of fun watching her. She was even smaller than I was, but man when she had a topic she felt passionate about she could go on for days, and people always listened. She could get a little loud and rambunctious but I think that’s secretly what people loved about her. Which was exactly what was about to happen now.
The more she talked, the more I began to frown. This was definitely a topic that I wanted to explore more. I wanted to dissect it. Only, I didn’t want to do it with her. I wanted to talk it over with Phoenix. I wanted to see her point of view, see what she thought.
After about two more minutes, I groaned and walked away. Should I just give in and call her? I felt the devil on my shoulder. It was shouting, “Yes. Why not, Aurora? What could go wrong?”
“I hate you,” I whispered back to the devil as I reached for my phone and dialed her number.
It rang a few times and I was ready to ditch. Maybe she didn’t want to hear from me. I was just about to press the end button, when I heard her voice.
“Hello.” I could hear the smile in her voice. I could also hear the questioning.
That’s when I began to babble. “I know the rules. But you didn’t have to pick up. And you did, so I’m going to continue. Only I know you work in a few minutes, and maybe that’s better. That way you can just hang up on me when you’re ready. Only I was having a discussion at work, and I wanted to talk to you about it. And I know it seems dumb, but you can hang up at any time.”
“What is it, Aurora?” she laughed.
I breathed in. “Nudity, how do you feel about nudity.”
Her laugh came right away, and I relaxed. She was hooked. I had her.
“I mean, like guys are legally allowed to go around with their shirts off, but girls aren’t. How do you feel about that?” I sat up, and waited.
“Well,” she began. “It all goes back to the early 1920s when it was ruled that guys could. And it’s nearly one hundred years later, and women don’t have the same rights. But that’s usually how it goes, you know? Voting, jobs, etc. But I think you should be allowed to if you want to. If you don’t it just sexualizes the body part.”
I cocked my head to the side. “What do you mean it sexualizes the body part?”
“Well,” she laughed. “Think of it this way. Why do we hide things? Usually it’s because we are ashamed. But what if we didn’t hide those things. What if they were just out in the open? What if, instead of hiding your tampons, they were just sitting out? Then it wouldn’t become such a hush-hush thing; they would just be tampons. By hiding them it makes them something that’s taboo and scary. Maybe if it were just a normal thing that you had lying around, like a razor or toilet paper, then it wouldn’t appear so intimate. I mean, think about how intimate a razor actually is.”
“Okay, I’m following you so far.” I closed my eyes, trying to see what she was seeing.
“So,” she continued. “Say we never hid our boobs. Then they wouldn’t be taboo. We’d have no reason to even think they were taboo. They’d just be boobs. Just like men have nipples, and now we don’t think twice about it. You see, at some point, someone said no. Someone said that we needed to cover ourselves, and that’s when it became a big deal. So now the push is to make it normalized. And why shouldn’t it be. It’s just a natural body part that you’re born with.”
I was starting to see what she was saying. Slowly, my mind-set was changing, whether I wanted it to or not.
“You have to ask yourself why it really freaks you out. Is it because someone has told us no over and over?”
I smiled. I could always count on Phoenix to challenge my previous thoughts. “Well I’m not really sure why it freaks me out. I hear what you’re saying, but instinctively I still I think we should at least have to wear a sports bra.”
“But why?” she asked. “If guys don’t have to, why should you?”
I closed my eyes and leaned back. She had a point. Why does she always have to be right about everything?
“I mean I’m not going to go around topless personally,” she continued, causing me to laugh. “But if I wanted to I should have the right to, you know?”
I wouldn’t mind if you did.
“Yeah, I know,” I breathed out. “Okay, what about breastfeeding?” I sat up again.
Her laugh filled my ear, traveling into my soul. “I think it’s natural and why should a woman hide something that’s natural? She’s just trying to feed her baby. Again, it’s a question of why does it bother you? Is it because we’ve overly sexualized women’s breasts?”
“True, but I am also not sure I want my eight-year-old son watching someone breastfeed.” I tried to imagine how I would feel if I were out with my children and we encountered a woman breastfeeding. Would I be weird about it? Would I turn them away? But what about when I’m breastfeeding at home? If I had two kids, the oldest one would probably see me breastfeeding the younger one. Would I shy away from them? Probably not. So why was I shying away in public? Well to be fair, there were a lot of things that I would do in my own home but wouldn’t do in public. Like make out with Phoenix on the couch. Stop.
“Why not? It’s natural.”
I sighed, now stuck with the mental image of Phoenix on my couch. “I guess you’re right.” I peeked at the time on my phone. “Okay, time for you to go. Thanks!” I hung up. I sat there for another two minutes thinking about what we had said. Man I missed talking to her. I missed the seriousness, but I also missed the laughter. Her laughter was infectious. And I liked being the cause of the laughter too.
I put my head in my hands. What was I going to do? I wanted to talk to her. I missed our talks. I needed them. I wanted to know how she personally felt about nudity, not just morally. Did she want her kids exposed to it? Did she mind being exposed to it?
I did the next best thing, and texted her.
We’re not finished with this conversation. I have more questions.
She responded hours later.
I knew you wouldn’t make it :)
I scowled. That sounded like a challenge, and I did not like losing challenges.
By the end of the day my desire to talk to her got bigger and bigger. By the time I got home I caved again.
Well I missed you, so there was that too.
She responded two minutes later.
I kinda missed you too.
I’m cool with, you know, talking if you want to. I typed back.
I’ll give you the night. But after that, not until the week is up.
I don’t know what it was about that last response, but it made me angry. Unbelievably angry. I don’t know if it was because I had los
t a secret bet, and she was still okay with continuing it, like a silent acknowledgment of my failure. I wasn’t sure, but I was furious.
Nah girl, that’s okay.
Okay cool. Talk to you later then.
Cool? Cool? The anger just kept building. I attempted to read to get my mind off it. But there it was, slowly nagging at me. Taunting me. You’re weak.
This is dumb.
I hated myself for sending it, and by the time she responded I was so angry with myself that it didn’t matter what she said. But, I read it anyway.
Care to explain?
I groaned and threw my phone, scowling at the ceiling. I closed my eyes and didn’t open them again until morning. I did not want to explain.
Chapter Nineteen
“Want to go out for pizza?” Cassie asked me over a bin of records that I was sorting.
I hadn’t slept well after the Phoenix thing. I’d tossed and turned most of the night before finally deciding to go for a walk. The walk had started off okay. I’d left my phone at home because I didn’t want to be tempted to text her in the middle of the night. I didn’t want to be that girl. But then about five minutes into the walk, I realized maybe that it wasn’t one my brightest of moves. I was a small girl and it was half past three in the morning. Anything could have happened and I didn’t even have a phone to try and call 911 in case of emergency.
But I’d kept walking anyway. And for the most part it was good. I liked how peaceful it was, how serene. I felt the anger slowly lifting off my chest with every step that I took. It was my own fault that I was in this mess in the first place. Phoenix had wanted more out of me, and it was me who was running.
I’d walked for nearly an hour before deciding it was time to turn around. Ariel would panic if she woke up and I wasn’t there. But on my way back my mood started to fall again. I couldn’t stop myself from replaying the stories that Phoenix had told me over and over again in my head. And then there was also the kiss with Berkeley. My mind kept playing it like a clip from a movie. Play, rewind, repeat.