Constellations

by Meghan Diane

  I couldn’t stop the high-pitch squeal that escaped my mouth. “Awwwwww.” I patted her shoulder, pretending to be sympathetic. “It’s okay, love. There are worse things that could have happened.”

  She lifted her eyes back up to glare at me. “My life is the literal worst right now. I’m glad that you’re enjoying my pain.”

  “Aww honey,” I cooed. “I know just what will make it better.”

  I picked up my glass and held it in the air, waiting for her to mimic my action. “Let’s drink!”

  Cassie let out a short laugh. “But of course.”

  So we drank. We drank until we had finished the pitcher, and then we ordered another. I knew it wasn’t a good idea—that we should have stopped after the last one—but Cassie looked so sad I just couldn’t help it. I wanted her to be happy.

  I took the last sip of beer and looked over to see how Cassie was doing. She had a few more sips, but she was clearly as drunk as I was. Four pitchers will do that to you.

  “Well, it’s a good thing I live nearby. We can just walk to my place and you can sleep on the couch.”

  She stared at me, mouth half hanging open, a goofy smile on her lips. “Roger that, Aurora. Let me just finish this here beer.”

  I watched as she took in the last few sips. Her hair was in disarray from the day, and it made her look adorable. She would make someone very happy one day if she could just settle down. I wasn’t entirely sure what was bothering her tonight but I wished she would figure it out. It was hard to see her so sad.

  I stood up, the world doing a slow turn before me. “Ready to go?”

  I held my hand out for Cassie to take. She reached for it, stood up, and promptly sat back down. “Mmm, in a second.”

  Yeah, she’s pretty drunk. Thank God I live walking distance away. Another perk of this pizza place. Maybe I should put that at the top of the list from now on.

  “Okay, ready!” she yelled, standing up. People from the tables near us had begun to stare.

  “Nothing to see here.” I waved with my other hand. “Just two girls walking home.”

  “You’re drunk, aren’t you?” Cassie whispered into my ear.

  Chills went up my spine. “About as drunk as you, yes.”

  “I’m not drunk,” she whined, before promptly tripping over nothing. She looked at me to see if I had noticed.

  “Seeing as you’re still holding my hand, yes I noticed your little trip right there. But we can pretend it never happened.”

  “Oh good. ’Cause it didn’t happen. You’re the best.” She leaned on my shoulder for support.

  This is going to be a long three blocks home.

  We only got lost once, which was surprising given how drunk we were. When we finally stumbled upon my house, I spent three minutes just trying to find the right key and get it in the lock.

  “Now shhh,” I whispered. “Ariel is sleeping okay?”

  She nodded in understanding, but I was still worried. When we got through the front door I walked her to the couch, gently sitting her down.

  “Okay, you stay here. I’m going to get you some blankets okay?”

  “Okay,” she mumbled, falling over into a laying position.

  I walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. Slowly, I lowered myself to the floor. I missed Phoenix, but it had only been three days. I still had four more to go. “You’re going to be fine,” I whispered. “You’re going to be fine.” But I let myself have another thirty seconds of quiet before I picked myself up off the bathroom floor, just in case.

  I opened the closet door in the hallway, hoping to find some sheets that I could give Cassie. I found a nice blue pair, but I’d have to get a blanket and pillow from my room. When I walked back into the living room to give Cassie the sheets, she was nowhere to be found.

  “Oh great.” I tiptoed into my bedroom. “Cassiiiiiieeeee,” I whispered. “Are you in here?”

  A soft moan told me she was. I squinted into the dark. Yup, there she was. Sound asleep in my bed. I walked over and pulled the covers up over her. I guess I’ll just sleep on the couch then. When the covers were nice and secure over her, instinct kicked in and I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. “Good night, Cassie.”

  She reached out into the dark for me, without opening her eyes. When her hand finally made contact with my jeans, she pulled. “Hold me, please,” she whined.

  My heart fell to the floor.

  When I didn’t answer, she begged again. “Please Aurora. I just want you to hold me.”

  “Okay,” I whispered back. “Okay, I’ll hold you.”

  I climbed into bed with her, pulling the covers up over us both.

  She shifted again in her sleep, and began reaching for something. When she finally found my hand she pulled it over her, holding my hand in hers to her chest so that I was finally cuddling her. “That’s better,” she whispered.

  I rolled my eyes. For someone who was usually so confident, she sure was secretly sensitive. Tonight I was seeing a side of her that I never knew existed. I let this sink as I took in my situation.

  Madison was going to have a field day when she found out about this. She’d only been hoping for this day for months. But as I pulled Cassie closer, all I felt was the instinct to protect her, to keep her safe from the world. I closed my eyes, secretly wishing that it was Phoenix that I had wrapped in my arms.

  Chapter Twenty

  The sound of my alarm brought me out of the dream I was having. I was walking hand in hand with Phoenix and we were in the woods. It was gorgeous wherever we were. The leaves crunched under our feet as we walked.

  We were discussing our viewpoints on abortion and I couldn’t help but think how weird it was that we were talking about something so sad in such a beautiful place. But the leaves were only pretty because they were changing colors, and didn’t the changing of colors mean they were about to die, and really it was actually very fitting.

  I moaned, reaching for my alarm. My hand came into contact with a face, and that’s when I remembered Cassie.

  “Arg.”

  “Sorrrryyyy,” I whispered.

  Cassie rolled over, taking the covers with her. “Why does my head hurt so much?” she asked.

  “Probably because we took down four pitchers. That may have something to do with it.”

  She buried her face deeper into my pillow. “Why did we think that was a good idea?”

  I rolled over her and out of bed, ignoring her sounds of displeasure. “Probably because we were trying to drown our sorrows with each pint that we drank. It didn’t work, in case you were wondering.”

  “Never again,” she mumbled.

  “I’m gonna hop in the shower. We have to leave for work soon though. You can sleep for another fifteen minutes, love.”

  I could hear her moan as I walked away. Poor girl.

  I turned on the hot water and let the steam take over the bathroom while I peeled off my clothes.

  The warm water was a welcome feeling. I let it wash away my insecurities, filling me with confidence. I closed my eyes. Maybe I’ll give it another shot with Berkeley. What do I have to lose? Phoenix isn’t talking to me. And Berkeley is really cute. Okay, it’s settled, I’ll ask her out on a second date. I stepped out of the shower. “Yeah, let’s do this.”

  “Can I wear your Coldplay shirt? Pleassssssseee.” Cassie was sitting on the floor at the edge of my bed. She’d finally gotten up, but apparently she hadn’t made it very far.

  “Umm, heck no. You can choose a different one though, literally any other shirt.” I pulled my towel a little tighter and stared into my closet, trying to decide what to wear today. Maybe I’ll just wear my Coldplay shirt?

  “Fine, I want the Mumford and Sons shirt then.”

  I groaned. Of course she would pick my second favorite band T-shirt. “Fine.” I tossed it to her, letting it hit her in the face. “We have to leave in ten. Do you want to shower?”

  “Do I ever.” She stood up and scram
bled toward the door. “And I wouldn’t hate it if you made us some coffee to go.”

  “Mm, yes good idea. Coffee is always a good idea.”

  * * *

  I waited until halfway through my day to text Berkeley. I was still recovering from the night before. The coffee helped, but I would need a second cup before it would fully kick in.

  Hey. So I was wondering if you’d want to test out this new coffee shop with me later?

  When she didn’t respond right away, I threw my headphones in and began to clean. I dusted the whole store before Jason walked up to me.

  “You’re on a mission huh?”

  “Just one of those days.”

  “Well, there’s someone here to see you,” he said casually.

  My heart caught in my chest. Phoenix? No, it couldn’t be her. She wouldn’t come the whole way up here. And she was stronger than I was.

  I looked up to find Berkeley’s eyes on me. This day was starting to look up.

  “Hey,” she said. “I brought this for you.” She handed me an iced coffee. “I work tonight, so I can’t come out with you. But I figured this would be a good alternative. And who doesn’t like coffee delivered to them at work?”

  I reached for the coffee. “Yusssss. This is just what I need.”

  “Good.” She looked around the store. “You having a good day at work?”

  “As good as it can be.” I took a sip of the coffee. “Mm, perfection.”

  “I’m glad you like it, it’s my favorite.” She looked down at her watch. “But hey, I have to go. How about tomorrow though? I have an idea of what we can do, if you’re interested.”

  “I’m interested.” Maybe this wasn’t a fail after all.

  “Awesome, I’ll text you the details later.” She leaned in for a hug again, but once more I felt nothing. Damn.

  “Thanks again for the coffee. And for coming to see me.”

  “No problem, Aurora. No problem.”

  I watched her walk away. Her long blond hair flowed down her back. She was cute, there was no doubt about that. Her skinny jeans and Chucks gave her an even stronger appeal to me. Today she was wearing a backward baseball cap with an Atlanta Braves logo on it. I’d have to ask her about that later.

  It must have been obvious that I was staring, because when I heard someone whistle behind me, I knew I’d been caught.

  “So you’re trying that again?” Cassie asked. Her face contorted into a devilish grin. “I mean I don’t blame you, she’s kinda hot.”

  I took another sip of my coffee. “Yeah she is.” I winked at her and walked away. I wasn’t sure that I was ready to tell her that though I also thought Berkeley was hot, there was no real connection, no attraction.

  “Come on,” I yelled over my shoulder. “We have some new records to sort through, and you can help me.”

  * * *

  The buzzing of my phone pulled me out of the dream I was having. I was with Phoenix again and we were walking hand in hand on the Highrise. I was feeling so calm and at peace with her there, that when my phone woke me up, I was angry. I wanted to go back to being safe and happy.

  I shook my head. That didn’t work the first time, why would it work now? I squinted my eyes to see the caller ID. Berkeley’s name flashed across the screen.

  Hey chica, I was thinking an early date. Pick you up around 11?

  I squinted harder at the screen. It was nine a.m. now, so I would have about two hours to get ready. And freak out.

  Yeah, that’s perfect. See you soon.

  I rolled over in bed and closed my eyes, willing the dream to come back. I wanted to be holding Phoenix’s hand again as we talked about politics and all of the questions that I avoided with everyone else. I let the daydreams lull me back to sleep.

  When I opened my eyes, I jolted upright. I was late; I just knew it.

  “Damn it!” I looked at my watch. 10:35. “Shit.”

  I jumped out of bed and sprinted for the shower. Come on Aurora, get your life together.

  By the time 10:52 rolled around, I was standing in front of my closet. I couldn’t decide what to wear, and it didn’t seem like the right time to wear my Coldplay shirt again. A chime in the distance told me that Berkeley was already here. “Crap.”

  I grabbed the closest baseball tee I could find and scooped a pair of jean shorts up off the floor. My level of class was on point right now. I shook my head at myself disapprovingly and headed toward the door.

  I snuck a quick look through the window before walking out. Berkeley was wearing her baseball hat again. I was going to score points for this shirt. Hopefully.

  I swung the door open. “Hey.” I smiled and pulled her into a quick hug. “Sorry about that.”

  “Oh it’s not a problem. Are you ready? I’ll drive us, since you don’t know where we’re going.”

  “Are you going to tell me where we are going? Or is it a surprise?”

  She opened the passenger-side door and gestured for me to get in. She has manners.

  “It’s a surprise.”

  Thirty minutes later we pulled off the side of the road. If it weren’t for the other cars there too, I would have been freaked out.

  Berkeley hopped out of the car and motioned for me to come too. Good thing I wore Chucks today, or this would have been a disaster.

  “So, you’re taking me into the woods to kill me? And only on our second date! Man I must suck pretty bad if you’re ready to kill me this soon.”

  She laughed. “You’re safe for now. It’s just a hike.” She linked her hand in mine, and without thinking, I let her.

  I took in my surroundings. It was pretty here, secluded even. But the path was worn so it must be a well-known spot. I relaxed a little. I loved outdoor hikes and the trees made a perfect canopy for us to walk under. I should have brought my camera.

  “So do you come on hikes like this often?” I asked.

  “Often enough; about once or twice a week. I like to get out of the house and be around nature a little bit, you know?”

  I stepped over the fallen branch that was blocking my way. “Yeah I know. I usually like to walk the Highrise about twice a week.” Thoughts of Phoenix flooded my mind.

  “The Highrise is nice. It’s just a little crowded sometimes.”

  “Agreed.”

  We walked in silence for a while until Berkeley finally spoke again. “So do you like it at Royal Records?”

  “I do. Well I like the people, and I like the atmosphere. It’s a great job for now. But it’s not my forever job.”

  “Ahh, I got you,” she said.

  I wondered if she did though. She didn’t bother to ask what my forever job was. But then again, I didn’t ask what hers was either, and I wasn’t sure that I cared.

  We continued to walk hand in hand, and when I stumbled over a branch or a log, Berkeley would catch me. At least she’s chivalrous.

  I stared at my feet again as we walked. One foot in front of the other. I could almost feel my Chucks mocking me, asking what I was doing. I was so busy having an internal dialogue with my shoes that I hadn’t noticed why we stopped.

  “Woah,” I said, finally looking up. We were standing on the edge of a mountain and there was a valley before us. I hadn’t even realized we were high enough in the air to be on the edge of a cliff. “It’s beautiful.” God why didn’t I bring my camera.

  “I thought you’d like it. This is my calming place, my center.” She smiled. “I like to come up here when I’m having a bad day. It kind of puts my life into perspective.”

  The valley stretched on for as far as I could see. How had I not known this was here? Phoenix would love this. I shook my head again, trying to clear away the thoughts of her. Here I was on top of this gorgeous mountain, with this gorgeous girl, and I was thinking about someone else.

  “It’s amazing,” I breathed. “I would love to come up here with some coffee and just sit.” And talk with Phoenix. Stop.

  I sat down near the edge of the cliff an
d continued to stare. This was a beauty that I could get swept up in. I imagined that I was a single leaf floating through the air, following the curve of the valley. How amazing would it be to just float, with no cares or worries, and just be me? I closed my eyes and let the light breeze touch my cheek. It would be amazing.

  “We better start heading back,” Berkeley spoke, pulling me away. “I have to get to work in an hour.”

  “Bummer,” I said, knowing that that signaled the end of my adventures as a leaf. And if I was being honest, I wasn’t upset about her having to work. I was upset about having to leave this view. I really needed to bring my camera up here.

  Berkeley reached her hand out and helped me up. “I’m glad you liked it. Maybe I can bring you here again sometime.”

  “Yeah, it’s gorgeous.”

  We walked back in silence with only the sounds of the leaves and sticks breaking between us. There were no deep philosophical talks. There were no talks at all. Something was missing.

  And it was in that moment that I realized that I was here with the wrong person, that I’d made a mistake.

  When Berkeley dropped me off at my house, and leaned in for a kiss, I shied away. I’d spent the whole car ride planning. I was going to get Phoenix back. She was going to be mine again. I needed to call Cassie right away. I had a mission, a purpose now.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “What are we doing out here?” Cassie moaned. “My new Jordans are going to get dirty. And you know how I feel about my shoes. And let’s not even talk about my hair. These curls are going to go wild.”

  “Shut up. Can you just look around, look at how beautiful it is here?” I watched as she tried to avoid the mud by hopping from one rock to another. “Cassie, you’re adorable. But just so you know, those are going to get dirty either way. I tried to tell you not to wear them.”

  “I know, but I don’t listen well.” She looked around, eyeing the trees, “So what are we doing here anyway?”

  “You’re just here for moral support.” We’d been walking for thirty minutes now and we were about to reach the top of the cliff again. My Nikon F2 bounced against my chest, a welcomed weight. “It’ll be worth it, you’ll see.”