Hands Free Life

by Rachel Macy Stafford

  That’s when an unmistakable look of worry and shame came over Natalie’s face. My heart stopped beating for a moment and my mouth became dry. I am too late, I thought sadly.

  “Is that what happened to you?” I forced myself to ask, although hearing her response was truly the last thing I ever wanted to hear. “You can tell me, honey. It’s happened to me, and it’s happened to lots of kids,” I assured.

  I soon learned that when she was a mere kindergartener, she was searching for American Girl doll videos. She saw one that had a doll on its initial cover image, but once she clicked on the video, she saw things that she knew were not appropriate . . . things she knew were not for children . . . things that made her feel bad and shameful.

  I am too late, I thought again for one brief moment — she’d already viewed disturbing content and harbored feelings of shame. But before I let regret consume me, I quickly reminded myself of this hopeful truth: Anytime a person opens his or her eyes to the dangers of the online world is the right time. The words of the courageous young men who spoke at “Innocence Lost” came back to me in full force. Assure your child he did nothing wrong. Assure your child what she saw doesn’t make her “bad.” Assure your children they can come to you anytime they see or do something that makes them feel embarrassed, confused, or upset.

  I told Natalie I was sorry I hadn’t protected her from seeing that video. I told her that her dad and I learned about filtering software that we would be installing on all the devices and computers in our home. I explained that this software would block her and her sister from going to any sites they should not see.

  As promised, we installed Net Nanny on all devices that very night. When I saw how beautifully the program kept my children from going to questionable sites that they might accidentally (or purposely) go to, I wished I had done it sooner. I quickly reminded myself that now my eyes were open. I was trying to do all I could to Ask . . . Involve . . . Be Open . . . Protect . . . Educate.

  As relieved as I was to have the software protection implemented in our home, I had to acknowledge that this did not totally eliminate the risk of my children seeing inappropriate content on the Internet. There was still a good chance that their friends would not have such restrictions on their devices or in their homes. That is why I felt it was important to talk more in-depth about the dangers and empower Natalie with additional knowledge. In age-appropriate terms, I explained to her why the pornographic sites were harmful and disturbing. We discussed how they do not portray intimacy and sex the way God intended it to be. We talked about some things Natalie might say or do if she felt that she or a friend was getting into questionable territory in the online world. We reviewed the definition of cyberbullying and how intentions to tease or ridicule can end up taking a tragic turn. I reminded her that she could come to me no matter what she has done or no matter what has been done to her.

  The “Innocence Lost” program reaffirmed my commitment to model healthy device usage — to show my children that there is a time and place for device usage and that a phone did not need to be an added appendage requiring constant checking. Despite my children growing up with technology ingrained in so many facets of life, I want them to look back on their childhood and remember holding something other than an electronic box. I want my daughters to remember holding our cat, Banjo; a wooden spoon to form cookie dough; musical instruments; books; bike handlebars; ladybugs; seashells; and especially my hand in theirs. Because my actions largely influence their actions, I make it a priority to exercise daily, go outside, and do things with my hands like baking and reading books. I always insist that my children join me in these activities. What is sometimes met with grumblings quickly turns into smiles because stepping away from technology just feels good.

  A few days after Natalie and I discussed healthy technology usage, she came downstairs and asked me if she could call her friends to go on a bike ride. “I am trying to keep in mind how long I have been on my device. And it’s time to take a break,” she said.

  I felt a surge of happiness. Granted, I knew that just because she was being mindful of her technology use that day didn’t mean she would the next day. But Natalie’s comment showed she was gaining awareness, which is essential to establishing healthy tech/life boundaries now and in the future.

  I am trying my best to empower my children with the wisdom to make smart, safe, healthy, and informed decisions about their digital lives. I will admit that it would be a lot more convenient to just let my children go to a separate room and stare at a separate screen. And it would be a lot easier to let them figure it out themselves rather than delving into this cyber world that seems to change drastically with each passing day. But the cost of separate rooms, separate screens, and separate lives is high. Not being a part of my children’s online world can lead to irreparable damage to their mind, body, spirit, and future plans.

  The minute we hand our children a smartphone or a computer, we are handing them access to everything — good and bad — in the cyber world. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Ask . . . Involve . . . Be Open . . . Protect . . . Educate . . . Model.

  Even when the words don’t come easy . . .

  Even when they push you away . . .

  Even when you’re tired after a long day . . .

  Even when you think this doesn’t apply to your child . . .

  Even when you think you might be too late . . .

  The moment you decide to open your eyes to the dangers of the digital world is the right time. Ask . . . Involve . . . Be Open . . . Protect . . . Educate . . . Model. Although it may seem a little foreign, these are six more ways to love and protect a child — twenty-first-century style.

  HANDS FREE LIFE DAILY DECLARATION

  Today I will begin thinking about how I can talk openly about the dangers of computer sex offenders and potential online dangers with my loved ones. I will spend time with my children online. I will ask them to show me their favorite online destinations, and I will express genuine interest in what they do there. I will create media-free zones in the house, such as the bedroom, and warn my loved ones of the dangers of sending photos or personal information to anyone online. I will install blocking software or implement parental controls. I will be open about why I must be privy to their email accounts, text messages, and online communications. I will make it my priority for my children to understand why they must never set up a face-to-face meeting with someone they meet online. Above all, I will make sure my children understand that I love them no matter what mistakes they make in the real world or the cyber world.

  ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES TO PROTECT RELATIONSHIPS

  Avery rushed upstairs, her face wet with tears. She’s been playing Legos with Natalie. When she asked Natalie for help with a complicated section of the structure, Natalie cut her down — her demeaning words sharp and pointed and straight to the heart.

  The condemning words Natalie said to Avery sounded painfully familiar. It wasn’t too many years ago that I was impatient, short-tempered, and critical in my interactions, especially to Natalie, because she was the oldest child. It made perfect sense that these same negative reactions would come out of her when dealing with her little sister, just as they had when I dealt with her. In addition, it seemed that as Natalie became more tween and less child, her patience grew thinner . . . her sass stronger . . . her tone edgier. And there was just something about her little sister’s laid-back, leisurely nature that pushed Natalie’s buttons. I knew that Natalie and Avery’s vast personality differences were only going to become more dramatic as they aged. It was time to point out the invisible boundary line between what was acceptable in our home and what was not acceptable before irreparable damage was done.

  I went downstairs to talk privately with Natalie. She was aptly securing the final pieces to an impressive Lego tree house. Pushing stray pieces aside, I sat down next to her. “I have something to tell you,” I said, my voice low and serious. Natalie knew to stop fiddling and look into my e
yes. “Whether you like it or not, you are shaping Avery’s self-esteem. The way she feels about herself will largely come from how you treat her. In fact, your opinion of her may be even more important than mine.”

  I paused to let my daughter absorb this. When I continued talking, I surprised myself by divulging something I hadn’t fully appreciated until that moment. “Do you know why I know the impact your opinion has on Avery’s life?” My daughter shook her head. “Because I was the little sister. Yes, my sister and I fought over clothes, music, whose turn it was to feed the cat, the bathroom, and other silly things, but never once did Rebecca shame me or put me down. Not once. Just imagine what that gift did for me.”

  By now I was crying. Surprisingly Natalie wasn’t looking at me strangely or searching for the nearest exit. With a mixture of interest and sadness, she looked like maybe what I had to say was something worth listening to. I swallowed hard, attempting to regain control over my unexpected emotional breakdown. “We all need someone in our corner, to have our back, to believe in us when we don’t believe in ourselves. If you haven’t noticed, your little sister looks at you like a hero. And when you criticize or belittle her, it hurts. But when you compliment or encourage her, she soars.”

  I informed Natalie of my expectations, which happened to sound a lot like my number one classroom rule when I was a teacher. At the beginning of each school year I informed my students that our classroom was a safe haven. While I fully expected there to be squabbles and disagreements between children, there would be no hurtful attacks on physical appearance, intelligence, or abilities. I told Natalie that this is how I felt about our home. “I expect you to treat Avery respectfully and kindly, no exceptions. I expect the same from her and will tell her so,” I said.

  I suspect there are some people who might think such expectations are unrealistic, impossible, or just downright ridiculous. “Siblings are supposed to knock each other down and toughen each other up,” I can hear the naysayers say. I might have agreed with that statement had it not been for my sister showing me what happens when a family member acts as a loyal supporter despite knowing a person’s every weakness and fault.

  You see, in grade school I was a mess. I had a bad bowl cut. Too many freckles covered my nose. I wore the same awful navy-blue sweater every single day until it practically disintegrated. My hair held the unbecoming shine of ultraquick showers minus the shampoo. I had the worst-smelling feet. I gained a lot of weight the summer before middle school and got stretch marks. I was ashamed. While my parents worked, my sister took me to the neighborhood pool. She never said a word about my body. She only said, “I love your bathing suit.” I remember. It meant everything that she chose to look beyond the unsightly marks.

  In high school Rebecca would wave me over as I walked down the halls. She would introduce her awkward freshman sister to her senior-high friends. She was proud of who I was. She believed in me. My sister never told me I was not capable even if she thought there was no way I could make the volleyball team or move up a chair in orchestra. As an adult, Rebecca showed me the same support. Knowing how much I loved to write, she was adamant that I should start a blog. I said I didn’t know how. She sent me a book telling me how. She said she would help. My sister kept saying I should and I could until I finally tried. I would not be a published author today had it not been for the unconditional love and encouragement I received from my sister. My life would have turned out differently if my sister had chosen to be my adversary rather than my ally.

  My greatest hope is that my daughters will encourage each other this way if for no other reason than to have someone who will believe in them no matter what. In a culture where tearing down is not only accepted but encouraged . . . where folks are constantly trying to “one up” each other . . . where public shaming is commonplace, even among family members . . . where people feel they have the right to personally attack someone if they say it through a screen . . . where authority figures use condemnation to “motivate” someone to run faster or try harder, we need all the support we can get. Our society has lost its boundaries — boundaries that guide us in humane and compassionate treatment of one another. And I believe it begins at home.

  Talking to Natalie about how I expect her to treat her little sister shined an uncomfortable spotlight onto my own words and actions. It is obvious that the way I used to speak to her has influenced her behavior. I cannot change the past, but I can do something to positively impact today and even the future. The truth is, the way I treat Natalie will reflect how she treats Avery. Just as she is shaping her little sister’s self-esteem through words and actions, I am shaping hers.

  Just as I told her to think about the voice she is using with her sister — Is it kind? Is it patient? Is it encouraging? I must consider my tone too.

  Just as I told her to think about the messages she is giving — You matter. You’re smart. I believe in you. I must think about my words too.

  Just as I told Natalie if she doesn’t like Avery wearing grubby T-shirts every day, compliment her when she wears something you do like. I am trying to practice that too.

  Just as I told her to notice when her sister is stressed out or struggling and to say, “How can I help?” instead of “Just deal with it.” I must remember this too.

  Those are things my big sister Rebecca did for me — not perfectly, but consistently. And it made a life-changing difference.

  Shortly after my discussion with Natalie, the girls began riding the bus to a new school. It was the first time they’d ever been “bus riders” since our former neighborhood didn’t have school buses. On the second night of school I heard the girls talking in the basement.

  “When the teacher says walk to the bus, you need to go as fast as you can, okay? I was worried you were going to miss it. I kept praying you were coming. Walk real fast tomorrow. I know you can do it,” said the big sister.

  “Okay, I will,” promised the little sister. “Thanks for letting nothing bad happen to me.”

  “I won’t,” said her protector.

  There are boundary lines within our lives that we cannot see, but they are powerful; they are healing; they are protective; they are life-giving. The boundaries created in the home not only impact how the members of our family treat each other, but also how they treat friends, teachers, coaches, teammates, employers, coworkers, spouses, and even people they disagree with on the Internet. In today’s culture, we need someone in our corner . . . to have our back . . . to believe in us when we don’t believe in ourselves. We can do that for each other. We can do that for the people who are learning how to treat others by watching us live. Let us create boundaries that build up, not tear down. Let us be role models, not bad examples. Let us leave legacies, not scars on our sisters and brothers.

  HANDS FREE LIFE DAILY DECLARATION

  Today I want you to remember my listening face — not my fake listening face, the one that nods robotically and looks right through you. I want to love you by listening, really listening. Today I want you to remember my open hands — not my multitasking hands, the ones too full, too busy, too pushy to gently tuck your hair behind your ear. I want to love you by opening my two free hands. Today I want you to remember my loving voice — not my impatient, exasperated, not-right-now voice. I want to love you by speaking kindly. Today I want to remember that when I extend compassion, softness, and kindness to you, it has the potential to create a positive ripple effect touching each member of our family and every person you encounter.

  ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES TO PROTECT MOMENTS

  “Name twenty things you love about me,” Avery requested just as I was shutting the door to her bedroom. Because I immediately thought about the dirty dishes in the sink, the work I had yet to do before I could go to bed, and the ache in my back, I almost said, “Not tonight.”

  But I didn’t.

  Instead I slowly made my way back to her bed and rattled off things like, “I love your smile . . . I love the way you sing . . . I love how
you help your friends . . . I love the way you make me laugh . . . I love the way you take your time . . . I love your strong hugs . . .”

  I made it to twenty quite quickly, and I watched the smile on Avery’s face get a little bigger with each one.

  “Thank you, Mama. I love how you love me,” she offered back as she rolled over preparing to sleep.

  It took less than one minute, this little request of hers — but there is a good chance she will remember this list, this very important list.

  I don’t always get it right. I don’t. But in the time I’ve spent on this Hands Free journey, my eyes have been opened. I can now see clearly that my days are made up of a million little choices — choices to grasp what really matters or let them slip through my multitasking little fingers.

  That night I got it right.

  I chose the girl who still stands on her tiptoes to reach the sink.

  I chose the girl who still likes me to read bedtime stories to her and hold her hand in the parking lot.

  I chose the girl who sings made-up songs while offering me dandelion bouquets.

  I chose the girl who has wiggly teeth and a contagious laugh.

  With the kitchen in disarray and deadlines looming, I chose my child. And that fact gives me great hope. In fact, whenever I am in a state of overwhelm, I revisit the twenty-question experience. It took less than one minute, but the memory could possibly last a lifetime.

  When blog readers write to me describing their current state of overwhelm and ask if it’s even possible for them to live Hands Free, I share the twenty-question experience. After all, there’s always going to be a lot to “get done,” and if we wait until life is calm or the house is clean or the work is accomplished, we will never have time to grasp the moments that matter. Oftentimes, just the stress of everyday life feels like too much. Then throw in a family crisis, a health scare, a divorce, a death, or a job loss, and the stress can seem paralyzing. Even happy events can add to the stress — a marriage, a graduation, a retirement, or a promotion also creates feelings of overwhelm. Stopping to take time for what really matters seems like the last thing anyone wants to do during those intense periods. But actually those are precisely the times when we most need to take a few minutes for the “twenty-question requests” because they have the power to steady our rapidly beating hearts and sooth our frenzied souls. We are more likely to stop for these moments when we have established boundaries that guide our hearts and protect our time. Even in periods of uncertainty and overwhelm, boundaries help us in knowing exactly what to do to protect what matters most.