A Time to Tell

by Maria Savva

  ‘Nan,’ Penelope narrowed her eyes, ‘I have to admit, I did change my mind last night after I’d had time to think about things, but Steve rang today to tell me his dad suggested we go to his house for dinner on Sunday instead of them coming here. I told him you didn’t want to meet up with his dad, then ended up telling him everything. Sorry. I got so used to telling Steve all my problems at the refuge, it just came out.’

  Cara placed a hand over her mouth.

  ‘Anyway,’ said Penelope, ‘he’s keen to find out the truth, because he’d like to know if he has an extended family. He said he’d pay for the tests to be done. So, as I say, I’ve made an appointment at the solicitors’ to get the ball rolling.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know where your father lives, dear.’

  ‘Doesn’t Aunty Gloria know?’

  ‘I don’t know, maybe…’

  ‘I’ll give her a call,’ said Penelope.

  Penelope spoke to Gloria, and she agreed to contact Benjamin. Arrangements were made for them to meet at Gloria’s house.

  ‘Nan, I feel a bit nervous about going to meet my dad on my own, will you come with me?’

  ‘Let’s forget about this paternity test,’ said Cara in a final attempt to escape the past.

  ‘We can’t: Steve wants us to do it, and I suppose it would be for the best. He’s probably told his dad about it, and I’m sure he’d be interested to know if he’s got a son he never knew about.’

  Cara shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Everything was happening irrespective of her own wishes, like a river surging on.

  ‘Nan, it would be better if you explained it all to my dad. He still thinks Grandpa Billy was his dad, I’m sure it’ll come as a shock to him to find out he might not have been. You should be there.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Cara.

  ‘We’re supposed to meet at Aunty Gloria’s house tomorrow. I never thought I’d see my dad again.’ Penelope’s eyes were wide. ‘Please say you’ll come with me, Nan.’

  Cara felt she had no choice but to agree to accompany her.

  Ironically, they were going back to Huddlesea, where it all began, for the truth to be told. The long drive was monotonous, the rain relentless. The weather mirrored Cara’s inner mood.

  Benjamin initially suggested to Gloria that they meet at Penelope’s house. He didn’t want to meet at his house, fearing Claire’s reaction. Penelope flatly refused to have the meeting at her house; she remembered her father as a drunken, violent man who used to hit her mother, and she had no desire for such a person to ever enter her home.

  The only neutral place they could think of meeting was at Gloria’s house.

  ‘But isn’t it a bit far to go to meet your father, considering you both live in London?’ Cara had asked.

  ‘Well, we can’t meet in a public place, not to tell him this; we don’t know how he’ll react. It has to be somewhere private, so Aunty Gloria’s house is the best option.’

  ‘But Huddlesea?’

  ‘Apparently, my dad has to go to Huddlesea tomorrow for work, so it’s convenient. It’s not that far, Nan, only an hour or so if we take the motorway.’

  So here they were on the motorway, on the way to tell Benjamin something she should have told everyone years ago. How different would it have been if Billy knew everything back then? Would he have stuck by her? She knew the answer: Yes. Billy was a good man and he loved her. Somehow, knowing that made her feel worse. He’d have forgiven her and it could have been out in the open long ago, but she chose not to tell him and consequently ended up in this position today: worried, anxious, frightened.

  She remembered the last time she’d seen Benjamin, when he told her to stay out of his life. A sadness had haunted her ever since, but she understood his reasons: he feared becoming a bad person. He’d said he still loved her, and that was some comfort. She’d been left with hope that maybe one day, when he regained Claire’s trust and felt more secure in himself, he’d come back to her. Now though, what she was about to tell him was life-changing. When he found out she’d kept the truth about his father from him, would he be able to forgive her? This could signal the end of their relationship.

  The rain lashed against the car window, falling heavy and hard. The splattering raindrops were like long, thin, watery fingers pointing at her, blaming her. She prayed for the journey to end.

  Benjamin was already at Gloria’s house when they arrived. He stood up to greet them.

  ‘Penny.’ His eyes were full of tears as he moved towards her, arms outstretched.

  Penelope ignored him and studied the carpet.

  Bowing his head, he sat back down on the sofa.

  ‘Shall I make tea for everyone?’ asked Gloria.

  Penelope did not respond, but remained standing at the entrance to the living room as if debating whether or not to enter.

  ‘Tea would be nice,’ said Cara.

  ‘Please, sit down, Penelope,’ said Gloria.

  Penelope sat on the armchair furthest away from the sofa and Benjamin.

  Gloria moved Cara’s wheelchair nearer to Benjamin.

  He looked at Cara but his eyes were distant.

  Gloria left the room.

  ‘It’s nice to see you again, Ben,’ said Cara apprehensively.

  He avoided her eyes. ‘I’m glad you decided to come, Penny,’ he said, trying once more to communicate with his daughter.

  Penelope sat stiffly and did not respond.

  ‘Are you all right, Penny?’ Cara felt worried that seeing her father again after so long may have been too much for her, especially as the last time she’d seen him had been a traumatic experience.

  ‘I’m fine, Nan,’ she said, seeming to regain consciousness.

  ‘I can understand if you hate me, Penny,’ said Benjamin softly. ‘I admit I was a terrible person when I lived with your mother. I’ll never forgive myself for what I did, but I’m not the same man. I couldn’t control myself when I’d had too much to drink. I only drink occasionally now, hardly ever. I’m so sorry for everything.’

  Penelope stared, trancelike, at the floor as he spoke. Then, suddenly snapping out of her stupor, she said, ‘The sooner you tell him why we’re here, Nan, the sooner we can leave.’

  Gloria walked into the room. ‘Here we are,’ she said. ‘A nice cup of tea for everyone.’ She placed the tray on the table in the centre of the room.

  No one moved.

  Gloria appeared embarrassed to be there, her cheeks and neck flushed. She picked up a cup and offered it to Cara.

  ‘Thank you, Glor.’

  ‘Penelope, Paul, help yourselves.’ Gloria smiled at them.

  Silence followed, broken only by the sound of china cups clinking on saucers.

  ‘Look how grown up you are, Penny,’ said Benjamin, disturbing the lull. ‘I hear you have two sons of your own. I’ve missed so much. It was all my fault, but it doesn’t have to be like that…’

  Cara watched Penelope as he spoke, and saw her face had reddened.

  Penelope placed her cup back in the tray and sat down. She sighed. ‘Nan, can we just get this over with?’

  Cara felt all the eyes in the room upon her, as if everyone were waiting for her to confess to a crime. ‘Ben, there’s something I have to tell you.’ She stopped and coughed nervously, then turned to Penelope, her eyes pleading. ‘I can’t do this.’

  ‘Please, Nan. For me, please.’

  ‘But it was so long ago,’ said Cara. ‘When Billy died, I thought I would never have to tell anyone.’ Her voice broke slightly. She shifted in her chair, feeling uncomfortable.

  ‘Do you want me to tell him?’ asked Penelope.

  ‘No.’ Cara knew she was the only person who could break this news to him.

  ‘Do you want me to leave the room?’ asked Gloria as Cara caught her eye.

  Cara remembered how Gloria had aired her suspicions about Benjamin’s paternity so openly at their cousin Ada’s wedding, years ago. The Gloria from back then would have b
een revelling in excitement, being proved right about her sister’s infidelity; but as she looked at Gloria, she realised life had changed her—she would not be so quick to judge. ‘No, you can stay, Glor, you’ll find out eventually, anyway.’

  Cara coughed again. ‘Ben, before I married your father, I had a relationship with a man called Freddie.’

  He shrugged. ‘Okay, so why are you telling me this now?’

  ‘Because, it’s possible… There is a chance…’ She glanced at Penelope.

  Penelope nodded by way of reassurance, urging her to carry on.

  ‘I had a suspicion that you might be Freddie’s son.’

  ‘Is this some kind of joke?’

  ‘I—’

  ‘It doesn’t make sense.’ Benjamin’s eyes were wide.

  ‘Well—’ She struggled to continue. What words could she possibly find to make everything all right?

  ‘But you’ve never mentioned it before.’

  ‘I didn’t know for sure.’

  ‘Why now?’

  ‘You’ve been missing for years—’

  ‘Yes, but I was in my thirties when I left home; you had plenty of opportunities to tell me your suspicions.’

  ‘I—’

  ‘And…’ He got up and shook his head in confusion. ‘I saw you a couple of months ago, and I told you how heartbroken I was over Dad’s death and you just sat there. You had the chance to tell me then. Why are you telling me now?’

  ‘You could still be Billy’s son,’ she said, in an attempt to soften the blow.

  ‘We want you to have a DNA test to find out if you are Freddie’s son,’ said Penelope.

  He turned to face her. ‘A DNA test?’ Then he addressed Cara, ‘Do you know how old I am? I’m forty-nine years old, and you’re telling me now that the man I thought was my dad wasn’t my dad.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Cara.

  He sat back on the sofa. ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘If you have the test, we’ll know for sure,’ said Penelope, impatiently.

  ‘All those times people used to comment about me looking different to Cat and Jamie, you didn’t say a word.’

  Cara blushed.

  ‘Did Dad know about this?’ he asked.

  ‘No,’ she said, her heart skipping a beat.

  ‘You’ve been lying to everyone for years.’

  ‘Ben, please…’ started Cara.

  ‘Will you have the test?’ asked Penelope.

  ‘Why are you asking me to have this test? What does it matter if Dad’s dead?’

  ‘Steven, Freddie’s son, knows about it, and he wants the test done so we can be sure,’ explained Cara.

  ‘His son? Do you still keep in touch with “Freddie”?’ Benjamin glared at her.

  ‘No, no. Penny knows his son; he was a counsellor at the refuge she was staying at. He told her his father used to work in Huddlesea. I only found out last week that Freddie is his father.’

  ‘So this Freddie knows about me?’ asked Benjamin.

  ‘No… Well, not as far as I know,’ replied Cara.

  ‘Will you do the test or not?’ asked Penelope, agitated.

  ‘Why should I?’ he spluttered, then appeared to regret his response, closing his eyes. ‘Sorry I snapped at you, Penny. This… Today… T-this news was totally unexpected. If you want me to do the test, I will.’

  Penelope stood up. ‘You’ll be hearing from our solicitor.’ She walked over to Cara. ‘Come on, Nan, let’s go.’

  ‘But aren’t you going to finish your tea?’ asked Gloria.

  ‘Sorry, Aunty, we’ll visit again soon.’ Penelope wheeled Cara towards the door.

  ‘Penny,’ said Benjamin.

  She stopped walking.

  ‘We must keep in touch. My daughter Amy looks like you, you know. I’d love you to meet her.’

  ‘I hope you treat her better than you treated me and Jemima. If you’ve really changed, she’s lucky, but I hope you’ll understand that I don’t want to know you.’

  ‘Penny, please give me a chance to prove I’m not the man I used to be.’

  ‘It’s too late.’

  ‘What about your children? I’m their granddad.’ He followed them out of the house. ‘I’d love to meet the boys.’

  ‘We don’t need you; we’re fine as we are, thanks.’

  ‘It doesn’t have to be like this,’ he pleaded. His voice was getting louder. ‘I love you, Penny; you and Jemima. I’ve never forgotten you. Please don’t leave.’

  Penelope helped Cara into the car and picked up the wheelchair to put it into the boot.

  ‘Let me help you,’ said Benjamin, taking hold of the wheelchair.

  ‘Let go!’ shouted Penelope. ‘I don’t need your help!’

  Cara could not recall ever seeing her granddaughter so angry.

  Benjamin took a step back.

  Penelope stood facing him. She looked into his eyes where tears were forming. ‘In sixteen years, you’ve never even phoned. What kind of dad is that? You never cared about us, so don’t fool yourself!’

  ‘I did care about you. I do care, Penny.’ He wiped his eyes.

  ‘You walked out on your two daughters when you thought you’d killed our mum. Do you expect me to just forget that?’

  ‘I don’t expect you to forget… or even forgive me, but please let me be a part of your life. I’ll show you I’m not that man anymore.’

  Penelope slammed the boot shut and sat in the driver’s seat.

  ‘Penny.’ He ran to the side of the car. ‘Please, don’t leave yet. Let’s talk.’

  ‘Goodbye,’ she wound up the window.

  ‘Penny, don’t be so hard on him, he regrets his past behaviour.’ Cara stared at her son through the car window, wishing she could comfort him.

  ‘Leopards don’t change their spots, Nan, that’s one thing I’ve learnt.’

  Cara noticed tears in her granddaughter’s eyes. ‘Everyone deserves a second chance.’

  ‘He’s got his second chance; he’s got a new family. It’s more than he deserves,’ sneered Penelope as she pulled away from the kerb.

  Cara could see Benjamin watching the car. He didn’t take his eyes off them.

  Soon they turned the corner and he disappeared from view.

  ‘Penny, your father came to see me when I was staying with Glor, and I met his new partner, Claire, and his little daughter, Amy. He’s really changed. He’s nothing like his old self.’ A tug of guilt reminded her of the accusation she’d made over David’s death.

  ‘I can’t forget what he did,’ said Penelope. ‘I didn’t realise it would be so hard for me to see him again. If I’d known, I would never have come here.’

  Penelope switched on the car radio and hardly said a word for the rest of the journey. She concentrated on the road and listened to the soft music playing on the radio, not wanting to think about the meeting with her father.

  On walking into Gloria’s living room, Penelope’s mind had flashed back to her last memory of her father, and scenes had appeared in front of her eyes, like those in an old home movie—unfocused snippets of action taking her to an era long since gone. Her mother’s screams rang clear in her head then, as if she were present in the room: Penelope witnessed a replay of that terrifying moment when she—as a twelve-year-old—stood at the top of the stairs in her pyjamas and saw her mother lying on the floor covered in blood, her guilty-looking father standing over her. It had felt as though she was losing her grip on reality, standing there in Gloria’s living room, her mind being bombarded with palpable recollections of the past.

  Penelope had heard of flashbacks, and in the past after waking up from nightmares, images raging through her head, she’d thought those were flashbacks. Never before had she experienced anything as frightening as what had occurred today in Gloria’s living room—visions, sounds, smells, so real, as if she’d actually been transported to that night.

  As soon as her father got up from the sofa to greet her, her mind
had gone back to the horror of the last time she’d seen him, when he’d said: ‘Oh my God, she’s dead, I’ve killed her,’ before leaving the house and slamming the door behind him.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  Life after the revelation of Cara’s secret carried on as normal. The world as she knew it did not come to an abrupt end, and no one treated her any differently. It was anticlimactic; at least if Penelope or Benjamin shouted or were angry with her, it would justify why she’d kept it a secret for so long. Penelope only seemed concerned about making sure the paternity test was organised, and mainly because Steve said he wanted it done; Benjamin’s concern centered around re-establishing contact with his daughters.

  Perhaps there would be a delayed reaction to the news. Maybe Penelope and Benjamin were in denial, both holding on tightly to the hope that the test would prove Cara wrong.

  The day after the trip to Huddlesea, Penelope went to see a solicitor and returned home late in the afternoon. ‘The solicitor says you have to take part in the DNA test too, Nan,’ she said. ‘I’m going to arrange an appointment at the doctor for you, and the solicitor is going to send away for the laboratory tests to be done.’

  Cara turned pale.

  ‘Nan? Are you feeling all right?’

  ‘Yes, a bit tired, that’s all.’

  ‘I know this is really stressful and I’m sorry to put you through it, but now Steve and his dad know, there’s no going back.’

  ‘I know, dear.’ Cara took a deep breath. ‘Penny?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Will Freddie have to have the DNA test at the same time as me?’

  ‘No, he’ll be making a separate appointment with a doctor.’

  Cara breathed a sigh of relief.

  ‘Don’t worry, Nan, I’ll ask Steve to arrange it. The solicitor will be sending the details to my dad. Apparently, it takes about five to ten working days for the results to come through once all the samples have been taken.’

  ‘That soon?’ Everything was happening at breakneck speed. Once the results were known, Frederick would be here wanting answers. Cara didn’t feel ready to see him again.