Blessing in Disguise

by Danielle Steel

  “That’s true,” she admitted. “I didn’t expect this. I always wondered if my heredity from my mother would catch up with me. I didn’t think it would hit them. I thought I would be the buffer between generations, and instead it missed me and got Xela. It’s so unfair.”

  “It is. But something good may come of this, you never know. It may be a wake-up call to her about how she wants to live her life. She seems very intense about her work. Maybe she’ll rethink that.” Isabelle smiled at what he said.

  “Knowing Xela, she’ll probably just work harder. That’s how she copes. She stays away from emotional commitment and hides in her work. So does Theo.”

  “So do you,” he said, daring to be honest with her, and afraid to overstep. They got along well as employee and employer, and he didn’t want to spoil it.

  “I didn’t used to. I used to leap into the complicated emotional commitments, whatever the cost. I finally stopped after Oona’s father died. Three tries and you’re out. I couldn’t do it again, and I haven’t. We were really happy. I figured I could never duplicate that, so I didn’t try. But before that, I took some big risks in my early life, and had heavy losses.”

  “You’re never ‘out’ in matters of the heart. Or you don’t have to be.”

  “What about you? You never married.”

  “I came close.” He smiled ruefully. “If that counts.” He hesitated for a moment before he went on and she took a bite of the chicken he’d put on a plate. “I had some fairly big career prospects at an early age. And a girlfriend I was crazy about, who claimed she loved me.” She knew he was talking about his career as a basketball star in the NBA, but didn’t let on that she knew. “My prospects came to a sudden end, and so did the relationship. She moved on to another guy just like me, I was a player in the NBA, and she married him six months later when my career was shot. It was a hell of a blow, but I dodged a bullet. They got divorced five years later, and I think he’s still paying alimony. She got everything he had. There are some bad people out there, and good ones too.”

  “And after that, you married a wonderful woman, had ten children, and lived happily ever after,” she teased him to lighten the moment for both of them.

  “No, after that I was bitter and angry and scared shitless about my future for a long time. I finally got over it and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I had two long-term relationships with women who didn’t want to marry me, and I didn’t want to marry them in the end, but I learned a lot from both. My job hopping for a long time didn’t make me too appealing to some women. It’s not a career profile that inspires marriage.” It was sad to think that it came down to that, but frequently it did. Some women were looking for security more than love.

  “And now?” Isabelle asked him gently. She was touched that he had admitted his history with the NBA.

  “I’m taking a time-out while I take care of my sister. I’ll get back in the romantic sweepstakes one of these days.” He looked peaceful as he said it and she admired his courage.

  “I’m too old to get back in the ring in that sense,” she said with certainty. “I’ve had my moments of glory. I just want to see my kids happy now. Oona is, and has everything she wants. Theo and Xela haven’t figured it out yet, and sometimes I’m afraid they never will. They’re both scared to death of commitment and relationships, for different reasons. I think it’s genetic in Theo’s case. Her father was just like her, or she’s like him. And she has a mission in life, which fulfills her. Xela has her own issues. And I guess I haven’t been a shining example to them of emotional courage, but I was too busy to have a man in my life. Or maybe too scared. I made some pretty glaring mistakes until Oona’s father.”

  “At least you kept trying. Maybe you gave up too soon. Maybe he was just the conduit to the next chapter. Some people are just there as guides to the next person or the next phase of our lives. They’re not meant to be the whole story. And in any case, at your age, or any age, the story isn’t over yet.”

  “What makes you so wise?” she asked, looking at him seriously.

  “I made my own share of mistakes, and had some hard knocks. If they don’t kill you, they teach you a lot. I lost everything for a while, everything I’d ever cared about, a career I loved, a woman to go with it. Now I love what I have and am grateful for it, a good job, a good life, good people, my sister. It’s enough. The other stuff, the fireworks don’t last. They’re pretty in the sky for a minute, but dust at your feet in the end.” He looked at her after he said it, curious about something. “Who was the guy you had me track down on the Internet the other day? Good guy or bad guy?”

  She hesitated for a moment before she answered. She trusted him and they were becoming friends.

  “I don’t know if he’s a good guy or a bad guy yet. He’s my son. I had him at fifteen and gave him up for adoption when he was born. I’ve never told anyone that before. My father pressured me into it, he thought it was best for me at that age, and for the baby. And maybe he was right. It has haunted me for forty-three years. He’s why I had Theo. I had a wild, passionate affair in France and fell in love with a man twenty-seven years older than I was. Three months later, after I got back to the States for my senior year at NYU, I found out I was pregnant, and he wasn’t ever going to marry me and told me that in the beginning. He was honest with me. But I decided to keep the baby. I couldn’t do otherwise, after having given one up five years before. I couldn’t have done it again.”

  “And you just found him for the first time?” She nodded. He was as impressed by her courage as she was with his. Hers hadn’t included a compound fracture that ended a brilliant basketball career and stardom. She had just been a young girl having a baby out of wedlock, which took guts, but not like him. And she imagined he had had a long road to recovery physically. She was surprised he didn’t limp. “Are you going to see him?” Jack asked her.

  “I’d like to. I don’t know how he feels. He’s thinking about it. He has a right to that after I dumped him more than forty years ago.”

  “You didn’t ‘dump’ him. I’m sure he was adopted by respectable people who love him. I don’t think your father was wrong. It would have ruined your life at fifteen.”

  “It almost did anyway. I never forgave myself for it, I still haven’t and never will.”

  “You’re a harsh judge of yourself. What would you have done if it happened to one of your girls at fifteen?”

  “Killed them,” she said, and he laughed. “My father was pretty good about it. And I know he was disappointed in me when it happened again with Theo. I should have known better by then.”

  “And you married Xela’s and Oona’s fathers?” She nodded. “Sometimes that’s a mistake too.” Although it hadn’t been with Declan. “Are you going to tell the girls about your son?”

  “I want to. I have to. I’ve been thinking about it. They have a right to know they have a brother, even if he doesn’t want to meet us. And they have a right to know about my mistakes too. I can’t pretend to be so perfect and hide my flaws from them. I want a clean slate now. Some things have happened recently that have made me rethink things. I was thinking about telling them about Charles, and then Xela got sick. I can’t do that to her right now. We all have to focus on her. It’s her turn, not mine. There’s something else I should probably tell them too,” she said thoughtfully as he watched her, and she decided to be brave again.

  “About why you’ve been falling on the stairs and bumping into things? Do you have MS?” he asked, looking worried, and she shook her head.

  “No, I may be going blind, or eventually,” she said quietly and it sent a shiver down her spine and made her feel sick just saying it out loud to him. “Or I might not. They don’t know yet. I’m getting treatments. I have macular degeneration. Pretty ironic for an art consultant, don’t you think?” She tried to sound glib about it, but she wasn’t.

 
“It sounds like a shit break to me. I know about those things. It’s a long story but I played basketball in the NBA until I broke my leg during a championship game. End of story, and a lot of other things. But in weird ways, there are compensations for it that you don’t see at first. I hope you don’t go blind, Isabelle, but even if the worst happens, other things happen that make up for it. It sounds crazy, but it’s true.”

  “Like a blessing in disguise,” she said pensively. “It sounds like small compensation to me.”

  “It isn’t. Sometimes you win something a lot bigger. I’ve been thinking you had MS like my sister. I didn’t realize it was your vision.”

  “I have some pretty nasty bruises to show for it.” She smiled at him wistfully.

  “Who goes to the treatments with you?” He wondered who else knew.

  “No one. I haven’t told the girls about it, and I’m not going to. I’m willing to tell them about my mistakes. They don’t need to know about my frailties. They count on me. I have to be strong for them. Like now, for Xela.”

  “You can’t be strong all the time,” he said gently.

  “Yes, I can. They don’t need a mother who’s falling apart, or whining, or going blind. They need what I’m giving Xela now to keep her on her feet.”

  “You shouldn’t have to go to the treatments alone,” he said, and then thought of something. “Can I go with you? As your assistant?” She looked shocked at the suggestion. It had never occurred to her. “I think you’re wrong not to tell them, they have to be there for you too, it’s not just a one-way street at their ages. But if you’re not going to tell them, or even if you do, I’d be happy to go with you.”

  “It’s pretty nasty. I get injections in my eyes.”

  “All the more reason for me to be there. Caring for someone is about the nasty parts too. And I’ve got a strong stomach.”

  “I’ll think about it,” she said, moved to tears by his offer. He really was an extraordinary person. “I’m going to put the treatments on hold for now while I take care of Xela. And when I go back to it, I don’t want to give up my gladiator status and be a sissy.”

  “Screw that. And you’re not a sissy, just for the record. Having a person go with you does not make you a sissy. Gladiators are outdated. I think they all got eaten by lions about two thousand years ago.” She smiled at what he said.

  “Thank you, Jack.” They had exchanged a lot of information and confidences and she was glad he had stayed and waited for her to come home from the hospital. And maybe he was right that there were trade-offs. If she didn’t have a problem with her eyes, she wouldn’t have hired an assistant and would never have met him, and he had added a lot to her life. And knowing she might be going blind had finally pushed her to try to find the baby she’d given up as barely more than a child herself. Along with the losses, there were blessings, and there had been for him too.

  “You need to go to bed, or you’ll be a mess tomorrow,” he said, standing up. He was glad he had stayed late too. There was so much about her he admired and liked.

  “If you see Xela tomorrow, don’t say anything to her about the surgery today,” she reminded him.

  “Of course not. The code of a personal assistant, whatever you tell me goes nowhere. It’s also the code of a good friend.” They looked at each other and warmth passed between them.

  “I guess we’re friends, then,” she said softly, and then remembered his meeting with the oilman. She had forgotten all about it. Jack said it had gone well and he was thinking over his options. He put her dishes in the sink, and she headed for the stairs as he watched her to make sure she didn’t miss a step. “Thank you, Jack,” she said as she went up to her room, and a minute later, she heard the front door close. It was after midnight, and had been an incredibly long day, for all of them, not just Xela. But she was grateful that she and Jack were friends, and glad he had told her about his career in the NBA. It brought them that much closer, and it was a relief to confide in him and lean on him while she gathered her strength.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Xela decided to go back to her own apartment after the surgery. She was feeling a little less frightened now that it was behind her. She still had radiation ahead of her, but she was trying not to think about it while she was recovering, and Isabelle went to visit her every day. Xela had two computers sitting on her bed, and a stack of work to do at home while she stayed in constant contact with her assistants. She had told both of her sisters about the lumpectomy and it had worried them both, for her, and for themselves.

  Isabelle was working on a presentation for the Caseys of a group of paintings for their yacht. Jack’s meeting with Bill Casey had gone well, he liked the paintings Jack had shown him.

  Jack walked into her office hesitantly two days later. She looked up and smiled at him. There had been an unspoken bond between them since their confessions the night of Xela’s surgery. There was a solid foundation for their friendship.

  “I wanted to ask you something about Xela,” he said after he sat down.

  “We don’t have the final pathology reports yet,” she said, still very worried about her, although she was in better spirits. “They’ll determine when she starts radiation.”

  “I didn’t mean that, although of course I’m concerned about that too,” because he knew how it would devastate Isabelle if the reports weren’t good. “It’s something else. Is she spiritual at all?”

  “You mean like religious?” He nodded. “I’m not sure. I took them to church when they were kids, but they went their separate ways on it in their teens. Theo is more Buddhist than anything, I think. Oona got very serious about it when she married Gregorio because he’s so Catholic and expects her to be too, and I think Xela’s religion is her work. I don’t know what her formal beliefs are, or if she has any. She doesn’t talk about it. Why?” Isabelle was intrigued about what he had in mind.

  “I had some pretty low moments after I left the NBA. And I couldn’t sleep. I’d sit around all night watching TV, and mattress infomercials at four A.M. And one night, I saw this young preacher from Texas on TV. He was only about ten years older than I was, and the guy was amazing. No hellfire and brimstone, just an incredible amount of charisma, practical advice, and positive thinking, with a very subtle religious message behind it if you’re open to it. I wasn’t too sure about my beliefs either at the time, and a God who would let me break my leg at a championship game and end my career. I needed to blame someone, and God was convenient. In any case, I got hooked on the young preacher, and I swear he got me back on my feet and headed in the right direction, both physically and mentally.

  “I flew to Texas to meet him and see him at his church. He’s really extraordinary. He also believes that forgiveness has a lot to do with healing. He has a lot of ideas that worked for me, and still do. I saw in the paper yesterday that he’s coming to New York this weekend. He packs the house with about twenty thousand people, when he does these events. It’s a powerful message about what you can do. I came out of there floating when I went. I was wondering if you and Xela would like to go. You don’t have to tell her I suggested it if you don’t want to. She might be more impressed if it comes from you.”

  He looked faintly embarrassed as he described it to her, but Isabelle was intrigued. Religion was an entirely personal thing, but she liked the inspirational aspect of it, and that he felt it had led to healing in various forms. “Do you think she’d be interested?” Jack asked her. “I can buy you both tickets. It’s at Madison Square Garden, this Saturday night.”

  “Why don’t you buy them, and I’ll talk to her. If she doesn’t want to go, I will. It won’t do me any harm either.” She still hadn’t heard from Charles Anderson about meeting her, and she hoped he would. She had opened the door, but she couldn’t pressure him, it wouldn’t have been fair. Now it was up to him.

  Jack bought her tickets online a
few minutes later, and he would have liked to take Sandy, but she wasn’t up to it. Her condition had deteriorated slightly recently. And her daughter in Alaska was having trouble in her marriage and Sandy was worried about her, which seemed to be making her breathing worse. She wanted to visit her, but she couldn’t travel anymore, and she hated how helpless it made her feel not to be able to get on an airplane and see her daughter. Jack had mentioned it to Isabelle, and it made her realize that she was lucky Xela lived in New York, and she didn’t have to go halfway around the world to help her. It would have been much harder for her if it were Theo, in India.

  Jack put the tickets on her desk when he left at the end of the day, and Isabelle mentioned it to Xela when she visited her the next day. She listened without comment while her mother described the preacher and the event, from what Jack had told her. Isabelle had been reading about him.

  “It sounds a little weird, doesn’t it, Mom? What do you think?” Xela wasn’t violently opposed, just mildly skeptical, but she didn’t refuse.

  “To be honest, I think whatever works is a good idea. I think the body and the mind are very closely linked and affect each other, whatever one’s religious beliefs. Mary Baker Eddy figured that out in the nineteenth century when she had a skating accident and established a religion based on healing. And whatever modern day version has surfaced might have some merit to it. I want to go. Do you want to come with me? We’ve got nothing to lose. I don’t have a hot date this Saturday. Do you?” She teased her and Xela grinned.

  “Not exactly. I can’t remember the last time I did, except with investors in town from California. I’ll go with you.” Her arm and her breast were still sore but she was being careful not to bump it or make it worse.

  “I’ll get a car and driver so we don’t have to fight for a cab around Madison Square Garden on Saturday night. I’ll pick you up at six-thirty. It starts at seven.” She went back to the house then, and Jack had left a book on her desk by the preacher in question. And Isabelle didn’t put it down till she finished it late that night. She liked his message and said as much to Jack the next morning.