Four Steps

by Wendy Hudson

  Murdered?

  Suicide?

  Where was Alex in all this?

  Stella’s voice calling her name pulled her back into focus. She gulped down the lump, picked up the phone again and took it off speaker. “I’m here.”

  “Lori, I’m so, so sorry. I remember the case. I was in Edinburgh at the time. There was a massive manhunt for months across the country, and then it just ran cold.”

  “Tell me how it happened. I need to know everything.”

  “This won’t be easy to hear, darling, but if you’re sure.”

  Lori listened as Stella went on autopilot, sticking to the facts, relaying it to her automatically as a detective would. “Two men broke into the farm. They gagged and tied up her mother and father in their bedroom. It’s presumed they checked both Alex and her sister’s room but Beth was sleeping elsewhere in the house and Alex wasn’t home. Mrs. Ryan’s statement is quoted as saying while the men ransacked their room, Beth snuck up on them. She said their gun was propped near the door and Beth picked it up and turned it first on the intruder who had a knife held to Annabelle’s throat and then the other. The other intruder lunged at Beth with a knife and she fired.”

  “So Beth shot one of the intruders?”

  “No, it sounds as if there was some kind of scuffle and Mr. Ryan got in the way when Beth pulled the trigger. He took the bullet in his chest.” She went quiet.

  “Stella, how did Beth die?”

  Stella’s voice came through barely a whisper. “I’m so sorry Lori. She was stabbed. Nine times.”

  Stunned, Lori couldn’t speak. She tried to ask for more details but the strength wasn’t in her. She could only manage to choke out a sob. She couldn’t take anymore and couldn’t even begin to imagine how Alex had survived the aftermath.

  “Sweetheart, please don’t cry. I’m going to come over. Just give me half an hour…”

  But Lori wasn’t listening. She’d turned to find Alex in the doorway, fresh tears coursing down her beautiful face. Lori went to her, pulling her in tight, they cried together until they both crumpled to the cold, tile floor.

  Chapter 36

  Alex was vaguely aware of Stella coming into the kitchen after what felt like a lifetime since hearing Lori on the phone. She was aware of talking, something about struggling to get a taxi because of the rain and not being able to drive because of last night’s alcohol. Was that only last night? Everything felt so long ago, everything but Beth. She was right back there again, back in the moment the police told her what had happened to her family.

  She was numb, still on the floor, clinging to Lori. A blanket was draped around them and she heard the clinking of Stella making tea through the buzzing in her ears.

  She let herself be guided to the sofa in the living room. Lori didn’t leave her side, Alex’s hand firmly gripped in her own.

  A few minutes later she looked up, found Stella stood in the doorway, tea tray in hand, studying them. Alex saw the pity and wanted to scream at her not to do that, not to look at her that way. Instead, she focused on the reassuring feel of Lori’s body close to hers.

  She watched Stella put the tea down before sitting on the edge of the coffee table. She leaned forward and took Alex’s free hand. “Alex, I’m so sorry.”

  Alex nodded but pulled away. She wasn’t ready to talk about it but Stella clearly wanted her to.

  Lori freed a hand from under the blanket to take a cup from the tray while still gripping Alex tightly with the other. Alex simply shook her head when offered a cup but did take a tissue from the box on the table.

  “I realise you don’t know me very well, but you do know Lori, and so I’m hoping her trust in me will be good enough for you.”

  Alex looked to Lori then. She still didn’t say anything, just searched her eyes, the worry evident.

  Lori reached out to cup her cheek gently in her palm. “Talk to her, Alex, she’s on your side.”

  After holding her gaze a few more seconds, Alex turned back to Stella. “Do you know about the phone call I got this morning?”

  Stella looked between Alex and Lori and then nodded. “I do. I hope you don’t mind, I called the station and spoke to an old colleague and friend. I also read the file on your family.”

  “Do they really think it’s him?”

  Lori looked confusedly at them. “Who are you talking about?”

  Alex took a deep breath to tell Lori but changed her mind. She couldn’t find the words and, even if she could, she doubted she’d get them past the lump in her throat. Instead, she nodded to Stella. “Tell us what your friend said, I didn’t get all the details.”

  Stella stood and paced. “I spoke to a police sergeant who’s an old friend, Tim. He said that several nights ago, after getting off shift, one of his officers, Hannah, who’s also his niece, had been driving home around the back lanes and came across an old guy wandering alone in his dressing gown.” She stopped pacing and sat on the coffee table again.

  “He was confused and had no ID so Hannah picked him up and took him back to the station where they then found some injuries and had him admitted to hospital. Tim said Hannah visited every day but the old man was talking nonsense initially. His conversation veered all over the place but one thing he kept repeating was that he had to get to the farm and help ‘the girl.’

  Lori said what Alex couldn’t. “Beth?”

  Alex began to cry again at the mention of her name. After all this time, it was no easier to think about, never mind talk about. The thought of this person out there with answers to what happened, but no way to get them, frustrated and angered her. She felt as helpless as she had trying to look after her mum while searching for answers in the aftermath of her dad and sister’s death.

  Stella kept going. “Apparently the old man has multiple brain tumours. No one has reported him missing and they’re keeping him in hospital under police guard. Hannah interviewed him again last night and it was the most lucid he had been. She said he eventually became angry, though, shouting and saying she mustn’t call Sean and then telling them they needed to help Beth, that Sean wouldn’t stop, and it wasn’t his fault. When they tried to find out what wasn’t his fault, he just kept repeating the name Beth, then asked to go to sleep.”

  Alex watched Lori’s eyes close for a moment as the pieces of the story came together in her head. She turned to Alex, sadly shaking her head. Alex didn’t see pity there, just concern. Lori sagged back in to the sofa alongside her before speaking. “Stella, what else did he say? Did he have something to do with what happened?”

  “We think so. Tim said that this morning the old man was slightly more coherent again. He kept repeating that he needed new slippers, so they ran out and got some, which settled him more. They called in a specialist to monitor and sit with him, then had a detective to take over the interview. The specialist suggested maybe the old man had witnessed or experienced something distressing which is why he’d left his home.”

  Alex was quiet. She turned away from Lori who was nodding along with everything Stella was saying, clearly trying to understand. She hated that this was happening now. Everything was meant to be getting better. She’d met a wonderful woman who, for some reason, liked her back and now, here they were. Alex wished with all her heart that she hadn’t been the cause of the sorrowful look on Lori’s face. She picked a spot on the coffee table and stared at it while she listened. Stella’s voice faded and she was back in the music room, Beth was singing a ballad in the sweetest voice, her mum and dad looking on with such pride, and her own heart filling with the love for her little sister that had never faded.

  Lori’s living room came back to her as she felt an arm slip around her waist, and Lori sat forward again.

  “Then the old man asked if they’d gone to the farm to get his slippers and did they find Sean, as well. He asked if they’d been able to help Beth. He said he was worried about her because there had been so much blood.”

  Alex closed her eyes. She thought sh
e might be sick. Her hands shook as she took Lori’s tea from her, taking small sips, trying to calm her stomach. Lori pulled her closer, rubbing her hands up and down her arms, but she still shivered despite the thick blanket.

  “How did they make the link?”

  “Mention of the farm and the name Beth sparked in the memory of the detective called in to interview him. You never forget an unsolved case like that.” She continued. “Currently, they have a team of PCs going door to door in the area he was picked up in.” Sighing, she got up to pace again. “He fits the description your mother gave of the old man involved in the pub altercation with your father the night of the murder. I know they wore masks when they broke into the farm but the file says your mother always swore it was the same two men and I’m convinced she was right.”

  Alex nodded, finding her voice. “I always believed her. It was too much of a coincidence.”

  “That’s exactly why I believe her. The detectives investigating did too. They’ve got the artists sketches of ‘Sean’ from back then circulating with the PCs along with a picture they’ve taken of the old man. It’s not much to go on but, until we can get a surname, it’s all they have right now.”

  Alex knew crying wasn’t the answer, but every word Stella spoke seemed to bring everything back to her as if the eight years between what happened and this morning had been erased. It was raw all over again. She was back at square one, could feel herself shutting down, blocking out the pain and guilt, along with anyone who tried to get in to help her. She still had no answers, no one had been caught yet and nothing was certain, apart from the cold hard fact her family was dead. She needed to get out of here. She needed to be back at her farm, away from the looks and attempts at consoling something that would never feel better.

  She handed the tea cup back and extricated herself from under the blanket and Lori’s arm, kissing her hand before letting go and getting up.

  “Just give me a few minutes. When I come back you can ask me whatever you want.”

  * * *

  As soon as the bathroom door closed, Stella moved to the sofa beside Lori, pulling her into her arms and hugging her tight. “Sweetheart, are you okay?”

  “No, I’m not. Stella, I don’t know what to do, what to say. Fuck. How on earth do I help her get through this?” Stella held her at arm’s length and Lori pleaded with her eyes for an answer.

  “You help her by being there for her, whatever she wants, whatever she needs, you provide. And I’ll be right here for both of you.”

  “You make it sound so simple. I feel as if I’ve woken up to a nightmare that I can’t begin to comprehend, but it seems Alex has been living it for the past eight years.” Lori slumped back in the seat, flinging the blanket away in frustration.

  She thought of the night before, how wonderful and perfect it had been, every moment of it so close to the woman she was falling for, feeling and experiencing a magic she couldn’t have even dreamed of. She thought of waking up that morning, when everything had seemed so clear, but now it felt like a memory already consigned to the distant past.

  “I don’t even know where to start with helping. I didn’t know Alex back then, I didn’t know Beth. How do I begin to understand?”

  “It’s not about understanding, my love. It’s about allowing her the time to come to terms with what’s happening. You know her now, or at least you’re getting to know her. I’m sure she’ll let you know what she needs, but it’ll be one day at a time, I imagine. In the meantime, I’m going to catch this bastard, Lori, be sure of it.”

  “How? You’re not even working in Scotland anymore.”

  “I’ve spoken to my boss and Tim has put in an official request for my assistance. So I’m heading up there first thing tomorrow.”

  “I don’t understand. Why would they agree to that?”

  “Tim owes me a favour or two and he’s not exactly going to turn down the extra help. I won’t be able to lead on it, but I can at least help bring this animal down.”

  Lori met her friend’s eye, could see the determination there. “I know you will, sweetheart, and I’m so lucky to have you.”

  Stella pulled her back into a hug. “From experience, when these kinds of things happen, all the family wants is answers, and for someone to pay for what’s happened. I’ll find those answers for her and hopefully that can be the beginning of her moving on.”

  Lori couldn’t help the tears. Stella reached for a tissue and gently wiped them away, shushing her and then smiling.

  “Why the hell are you smiling?”

  “You love her, don’t you?”

  Lori looked down. When she’d woken that morning, she had been in no doubt that she was falling crazily in love with Alex. That hadn’t changed, but Alex was going to be the first to hear it. “Stella I can’t… I don’t—”

  “Shh darling. I wasn’t expecting an answer.” She squeezed Lori close. “I promise to do everything in my power to bring Alex peace. Then maybe you, my friend, can finally be happy too.”

  Chapter 37

  There was nothing to pack. There’d been no chance to unpack the night before, and Alex was grateful. She quickly showered and threw on her clothes, eager to get back to the farm.

  Lori came into the room as she checked for the essentials: keys, wallet, and phone. She hated seeing the disappointment that crossed Lori’s face when she realised Alex was getting ready to leave.

  “You’re going? I thought we were going to talk?”

  Her voice was small, and it made Alex ache that she couldn’t stay, couldn’t offer an explanation as to why she needed to go. “I think it’s best. If the investigation is happening back home, I should be there. I’m no use here.”

  “Then let me come with you. I can call into work, take some leave. I’d be happy to come and stay and help any way I can.”

  “No.” Alex didn’t mean to be so abrupt and she saw Lori’s face fall. “I mean, you don’t have to do that. I appreciate the offer. But this isn’t your problem and I need to just deal with it in my own way.”

  “You appreciate the offer? Who are you talking to here? And I think, after last night, I get to make it my problem. I want to be there for you, Alex.”

  “Well, I don’t want you there.” She hated being harsh, but she knew what Lori wanted wasn’t an option. She softened her tone. “I’m sorry, that’s just the way it has to be right now. Besides, trust me, you don’t want to be around me, either.”

  She knew she was hurting Lori. The night before had been everything she had imagined and far more. She had finally let go and allowed herself to enjoy being with someone again, and not just anyone. Lori was special, she knew that. But her priority was putting away the man who had destroyed her family. She had no emotional capacity to deal with anyone or anything else right now.

  “Isn’t that a decision I should make, whether I want to be around you?”

  Lori wasn’t giving up easy but no matter what she said, Alex was resolute. “No, it isn’t. Look, I realise this isn’t how today should be ending. This isn’t how I should be saying good-bye. You’re just going to have to try to understand and respect my wishes. I don’t want you coming with me. I don’t want you following me to Scotland. I want to be on my own.”

  It broke her heart to watch the silent tears stream down Lori’s face, but it was the right decision. No one else needed to be hurt, and she knew if Lori stuck around through this, that’s what would happen. Alex would end up disappointing her. She would see Alex wasn’t the person she thought she was. Inside, she was already falling to pieces and once she was back at the farm, she would let herself.

  She threw the bag over her shoulder and brushed past Lori to get her jacket from the hall. Lori followed her. “Will you call me? Can I call you?”

  Alex stopped at the front door and turned. She took in the beautiful face, the hair falling around Lori’s shoulders, and her still bare legs, only partly hidden by the long T-shirt and shorts. She memorised every bit of her.
She knew this was the last time she would see her.

  She cupped Lori’s face gently and brushed a tear from under her eye. “Please don’t cry over me. I don’t deserve it.” And with a soft kiss, she was gone.

  Chapter 38

  Alex dropped her bag on the kitchen floor. She followed soon after. The dark surrounded her, along with the silence. The clock ticked and she counted each second, twelve, twenty-five, forty-six. When she got to sixty, she pushed herself back up again. Time, that’s all she had, and she was alone with it.

  Frank was still at her neighbours’, wouldn’t be back until the next day. She looked out the window down the track and considered going to collect him, but the questions around her early return would be too much and her breaking point was near.

  She didn’t need the light to see the memories. The Friday night dinners, Christmas mornings, birthday parties, summer barbeques, even the arguments that came from having two petulant teenage girls and protective parents. She also didn’t need it to find the bar, or her favourite bottle of whisky. She took it and a glass and headed to the living room to flick on the TV. Her answering machine light blinked on the side table, but she ignored it. The police had her mobile number and would call it if they had any news.

  Lori and Jess had both tried calling her mobile, and she’d left that to voicemail as well. She’d deleted the message that told her voicemails were waiting and put it on silent for the rest of the journey home. Lori’s face came back into her mind as she knocked back the contents of her glass. How she’d left things and treated her was just another mistake she’d never forgive herself for.

  The screen glowed, and she switched to the BBC news channel. She was on her second whisky by the time the photo fit came up. It was a sketch from a description given years ago but was coupled with the recent picture of the old man, frail and decrepit in his hospital bed. She shifted forward in her seat and pressed pause on the TV. Could this old man really be partly responsible for her family’s deaths? He didn’t look capable, but then some years had passed and his ailing health wouldn’t have helped his appearance.