by Wendy Hudson
Lori traced a finger through a puff of bubbles, her brow creasing. “More like worrying that you wouldn’t want to see me. But yes, Jess’s driving can’t be ignored.”
Alex couldn’t take her eyes off her and Lori looked down to meet them. They glowed like hot coals in the candlelight, bright and filled with fresh tears. “I’m so sorry, Lori. I know I’ve treated you badly and I shouldn’t have run out on you that weekend. In fact, I still don’t understand why you even came after how I’ve been these past few weeks.”
Lori crouched down on the floor beside her, reached into the water to find her hand, and linked their fingers. “I’ll be honest. When you stopped replying to my texts, I almost gave up. I told myself it was only a one night stand, and you were back here with your real friends, and you didn’t need me. That I was a mistake that you obviously regretted, and didn’t want to have to deal with along with everything else.”
The sorrow on Lori’s face cut Alex to her core. That she’d made her feel so worthless and used was something she’d never forgive herself for. Because the opposite was true, that night had changed her life, and she knew now it was only for the better. Lori made it better. “You must know that’s not true?”
Kissing the back of Alex’s hand, Lori squeezed it tight in both of hers. “Of course I do. I’ve never felt anything like I did that night and I knew it couldn’t be all one sided. Although the cold shoulder was hard to take, and did make it easier to believe it was a one-off, in my head I understand why you ran. I can’t say I know what you’re feeling, because I honestly don’t think anyone can unless they’ve been in your shoes. But I do know how overwhelming it must be for you. But I won’t lie to you, Alex, running the way you did made me feel like shit.”
Alex cringed. “I don’t think I can say sorry enough times for making you feel that way, Lori. But I truly am. I wasn’t seeing clearly, and it never crossed my mind that my actions were reducing our night to something so sordid. In my mind, it was anything but, it was special, and you’re special. You must know that?”
“I know, but at the time—”
Alex arched an eyebrow. “Confusing, eh?”
Lori smiled at her. “I don’t want to dwell on all that. I’m here now, we’re together, and I’m so happy to see you. But yes, confusing, as well as a million other jumbled feelings.”
“Want to talk about it?”
She watched as Lori puffed out her cheeks before blowing out a slow breath. Alex wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear what was coming.
“I felt as if…oh, I don’t know, Alex. I guess I felt as if this wasn’t meant to happen to me. There was suddenly this completely different story playing out in my head of what my future might be and it was so different. It was overwhelming.”
Now it was Alex’s turn to be confused. “Fancy explaining that one to me?”
Lori sighed. She stared at the flame of a candle as she seemed to look for the right words. “No, c’mon, let’s just enjoy this right now. We can talk later. I’m meant to be the one looking after and listening to you.” She smiled down again at Alex. “How about I go get you that wine?”
She made to get up, but Alex kept hold of her hand and pulled her back. She sat up again in the bath and reached out to tuck a lock of hair behind Lori’s ear. “Lori, I’m fine. It’s just you and me in the world right now. Tell me.”
Lori sat again, drawing circles in the water. “I suppose before things went sour with Andrew, I used to look at him and see my future, see my life mapped out just like everyone else’s. I thought eventually I’d be ready to give up my independence for something I was always told would be better. I saw a husband, and a house, and a couple of kids. There were pets and school runs, arguments about where to spend Christmas. I was going to be the model parent and wife. I would be willing to sacrifice weekends in the mountains and happily relinquish ever being spontaneous again because all those other things would fulfil me. I felt secure in those thoughts because I was going to have the regular traditional family I didn’t have as a child.” She looked down at their linked fingers. “I guess what I’m saying is, the thought of letting all that go was daunting, in my future you weren’t meant to happen. And I certainly didn’t see you coming.”
Alex let go of her hand and cupped both of Lori’s cheeks with soapy hands, forcing their eyes to meet. “But don’t you see, Lori, that you can still have all that. I mean, obviously not the husband part.” She chuckled. “Tell me what’s stopping us from having a future like that? What you’ve just described is all I’ve ever wanted since I lost my own family, even if I couldn’t admit it to myself. The only difference is I saw it with a woman.”
She watched Lori’s eyes fill with tears. “I know that now. Now I’m here and I’m with you. But I was scared, Alex. Although now I feel ridiculous seeing how brave you are about everything that’s happened.”
“Me? Brave? Are you kidding me, Lori? All I’ve done is hide out. You just crossed the country for someone who’s done nothing but push you away. You said it yourself that you were scared. But you still came. You’re the one who hasn’t given up, so compared to you, I’m a coward.”
“But—”
“I’m not finished.” She ran her fingers through Lori’s hair, caressed her neck, and pulled her face closer. “I have spent the last eight years freefalling through my life with nothing solid to grab onto. All this time, I’ve pretended to be part of the real world by filling my house with friends and animals in the hope that one day the numbness would pass. But at the end of the day, they go home and I’m still alone. I’m left with the same anger and pain to keep me company, along with the question that still haunts me every day. Why my family?”
Alex stroked her hair as Lori choked back a sob. She needed her to realise how important she was, because in that moment, Alex was finally realising it too. It really was only the two of them in the world, and, suddenly, the only thing that mattered was Lori being there with her, and them being together. She wasn’t beaten yet. He hadn’t won. Because sat before her was someone that still wanted to be in her life, that made her realise life still would go on, and she could be happy living it.
“The darkness always came back, Lori. The void and the self-doubt and the fear that having everyone I cared about stolen from me had created.”
She gently wiped the tears from Lori’s cheeks and brushed their lips together, closing her eyes at the tenderness she felt in the kiss, sinking into it like the hot bath.
“Wow,” Lori breathed into her mouth. Her own eyes still closed.
“Wow, back,” Alex whispered, smiling as she pulled away. She kept her hands where they were and stroked her thumbs across Lori’s cheeks, her eyelids, her lips. “Losing your mum at five years old wasn’t meant to happen to you, Lori. Being isolated and abandoned by your dad wasn’t meant to happen either. Both were terrible things that I’m so sorry you had to go through. But you were brave and came out stronger.” She smiled again. “You say this wasn’t meant to happen but I’m inclined to disagree. I just need you to keep being brave and trust me that we can get through this. I need you to put your faith in us. Do you know why?”
“Why?” Lori sniffed, the tears falling again.
“Because I love you,” Alex whispered through her own tears. “And I believe you were meant to happen to me.”
Chapter 48
Sean had watched the blonde drive away, singing as she went, clearly oblivious to his presence. Over an hour went by as various lights flicked on and off throughout the house until only a faint glow came from one he guessed was her bedroom. He knew the house. Knew that end was the one with the bedrooms they’d checked through his first time there.
It was after 1am. Surely too late for any more guests to show up.
He unzipped the sports bag in the boot of the car he’d stolen, checked his supplies again, laid the shotgun inside, and zipped it closed as far as it would go.
The hinge of the boot groaned as he slowly lowered it, letting it drop the last
inch so the latch caught and locked. Not that it mattered if it locked. There was nothing of his worth stealing and he wouldn’t be back. He hoisted the bag over his shoulder, drew the knife from his belt, and set off on the familiar track. He never dreamed he would be back where it all began, about to relive his first kill through her sister.
Keeping his pace and breathing steady, he stopped every few metres and listened. He knew there was a dog on the farm and couldn’t be sure it would be locked inside the house.
He reached the shadows of the barn and wondered if the rabbit was still on the back door step. He didn’t think it would be that easy this time.
He took a breath, ready to sprint across to the side porch but a familiar clunking sound in that direction stopped him. The door had a dog flap. He heard the bark before he saw the blur of brown and white running in his direction. With his back to the barn, he braced himself, and when the dog lunged so did he. The blade stiffened in his hand on impact, but he held fast, holding on as the weight pulled him down. It was over in a moment.
The dog fell with a yelp at his feet. He slowly withdrew the knife from its torso, wiping the blood on the thigh of his combats. A gentle cry came from the back of the dog’s throat before its eyes closed, and he began whining quietly through ragged breathing. He took no pleasure in killing the dog. It was insignificant, a mere obstacle to overcome. He listened. It was just like that night. Water trickled in the burn and owls called across the fields.
Goose bumps rose on his arms, but not from the cold. There was a mild breeze that carried the scent of damp hay, but otherwise the night was still. He waited a moment, unsure if there was anything or anyone else out there. Hearing nothing more than the high pitch of a bat, he continued inching along the edge of the barn. The dog wouldn’t last long and certainly wouldn’t be barking anymore.
A light flicked on to the left of the courtyard.
A woman’s face appeared in the window, looking out into the darkness. He was sure she couldn’t see him, but he kept his eyes on the window as he felt along the barn wall until he reached a small door. Holding his breath, he slid the bolt across, the hinges whined, high pitched like the dog, as he pushed the door open. He paused, had she heard? Keeping still, he let the breath out slowly, and, satisfied he had gone unseen, slipped inside the barn.
While he peered through a small crack, he heard a final moan and the dog begin to pant heavily. The woman took one more look around before pulling the curtains closed.
He was angry at himself. Clenching and unclenching his jaw, he swallowed back the bitter bile in his throat. The dog he had prepared for, but the woman he saw wasn’t Alex Ryan and he didn’t understand how she had got there undetected. Fuck. He allowed himself a moment to pace the width of the barn, spitting out the foul taste in his mouth. The bile had risen again with the fear of being prematurely caught. He would just have to make her part of the plan. He was a soldier; had fought in wars and learned a mission rarely went to plan, but he was smart enough to make it work.
He stopped, pulled a torch from his pocket, and flicked the narrow beam around the barn. A pen in the corner housed what looked like a goat, laying down asleep amongst hay. Chickens clucked quietly in their house, the flap that released them outside was closed so he knew no one had reason to come out to the barn.
He noticed a stack of tables and chairs in a corner and he lifted two chairs into the middle of the room, along with a table for the tools in his bag. He unloaded them, leaving the shotgun on the table for later. Instead, he chose to tuck a handgun he’d had since his army days into his waistband, along with the knife that never left the sheath on his belt.
He flicked off the torch and a woman’s voice stopped him in his tracks with one hand on the barn door handle.
“Frank,” she shouted. “Where are you, boy?”
He peered through the crack in the door again as the dark haired woman he’d seen in the window headed towards the barn.
“C’mon, Frank? The boss lady left your flap unlocked, and you have permission to stay in the house tonight, so don’t blow it. Are you out here tormenting, Pedro?”
He watched her suddenly sprint in the direction of the dog’s now motionless body, calling his name again before letting out a cry, no doubt when she noticed the blood.
“Oh shit, Frank, what happened boy? Who did this to you?” He watched her look around frantically while pressing her hands against the dogs gaping wound. She pulled off her hooded sweater, and wrapped it carefully around the dog before interlocking the sleeves and giving them a yank to tighten against the wound. The dog yelped, and Sean saw her wince with it. He couldn’t believe the damn dog was still alive.
She had her back to the barn door, and he heard her call out to Alex only once before he watched her body stiffen and still.
Too late.
He clamped one hand hard over her mouth while he put the handgun to her head with the other.
“I dare you to fucking try something,” he spat the words out low and close to her ear. He pulled her to her feet, and she didn’t struggle. He felt the power course through him, just like that night. He felt invincible. He’d never done two in one night before.
He kept her mouth clamped shut by pressing the gun under her chin as he dragged her back through the barn door. He threw her to the floor in the direction of the chairs and aimed the gun at her head. “Sit down,” he growled. He kept the weapon trained on her as she did as he asked and made his way to the roll of tape on the table. “You and I need to talk.”
Chapter 49
Alex climbed wearily into bed. Her head snapped up at a shout from outside. Was Lori still out looking for Frank? She crossed to the window and peered around the courtyard; no sign of either of them.
She opened the window and listened for Lori calling out again. It was quiet. The hairs on her neck bristled. It was too quiet.
“Lori?” She called from the end of the corridor, but knew she wouldn’t get an answer. “Frank?” She waited another moment, but he didn’t appear either.
At the window again, the darkness outside enveloped her, closed in and tightened its grip, as her stomach clenched with it. She forced her eyes to focus on the yard, but all she could see were shadows. She listened but the silence was broken only by her shallow breaths. She remembered the way her mum had described the quiet after the men had left, as her husband and daughter lay lifeless before her. How she had frozen, willing herself to wake up from what had to be a terrible nightmare.
Swallowing back the panic Alex forced her mind to concentrate. The fear of loss was creeping in again. Would it always feel like this? Every time Lori left the house or wasn’t with her. Would the fear ever leave her?
She shook herself. Lori had probably gone chasing after Frank, who, no doubt, had picked up the scent of a fox or a badger.
The lie calmed her momentarily. Straining to distinguish the shadows she knew from the ones she didn’t, her skin pricked again and the adrenaline kicked in. It felt wrong and she had to trust that feeling. It wasn’t paranoia.
Deep down, Alex had always feared that whoever killed her family would one day return. So she had prepared. She had trained. She had learned. To fight, to shoot, to hunt. She’d prepared herself for the day she’d meet Beth’s murderer. Would she kill or die? She didn’t know. In her deepest, darkest moments, she wondered if she’d be strong enough to pull the trigger—as Beth had—knowing what had befallen her sister in those fatal seconds that followed. Would she be able to look a man in the eye and end his life? A man she knew to be a killer…could she stand as judge, jury, and executioner? She didn’t know. She’d hoped she’d never have to know. But one thing Alex did know for sure, she wouldn’t go down without a fight.
She pulled on jeans and a jumper, left the bedroom light on, and made her way along to the music room. Keeping low away from the windows, she left the other lights off.
Lori definitely wasn’t in the house.
She caught Beth’s face in t
he dim moonlight while she pressed lightly on a narrow panel in the cabinet below. After pulling off a key taped to the back of the picture, she opened the metal gun case, and withdrew the handgun hidden there. She checked it over quickly before loading it and pocketing an extra clip.
She took off her jumper, opened another one of the cabinet cupboards, and removed the bulletproof vest a pal she’d made on the force during the initial investigation had helped her get hold of. He’d also trained her to use her gun properly. She quickly donned the vest and pulled her jumper back into place before she added a knife to an ankle holder, secured it in place, and pulled on the trainers she’d grabbed from the hallway.
For months after her mum’s suicide, Jess had come to stay with her, but eventually she’d had to return to university leaving Alex feeling alone and vulnerable. She’d barely slept and jumped at every bump in the night. Every shadow in the corner was the man returned to murder her like the rest of her family. At her lowest points, she thought it would be a welcome relief. Some nights she wished for it, to be put out of her misery. To be gone with them rather than being left alone with the guilt and questions.
She knew she had to push those thoughts from her mind. She had someone to live for again. She wanted the life Lori had painted. This was the fight she’d been waiting for and, more than ever before, it was one she wanted to win.
She’d bought the gun first, and at the time it had made sense to hide the weapon in the room she found herself sleeping in most nights. The music room. Later she added the vest after doing her first bit of work with the police and reconnecting with one of the detectives, Simon, assigned to her family’s case. The knife came last, and with great reluctance. Alex didn’t think for a second she’d ever be able to use it but apparently you can never be too prepared. As her fear gained momentum and the adrenaline spiked in her bloodstream again, she had to admit that she was grateful of any advantage she might gain right now. She wiggled her foot and felt the strap of the ankle holster scrape against her skin. She’d have to remember to thank him the next time she saw him. If she saw him again. Stop that. That kind of thinking will only ever get you into trouble. Remember what the big ape taught you. APE. Assess, plan, execute. You can do this, Ryan, you’re ready, so get the fuck out there.