Ruff and Tumble - Invasion of the Goblin Horde

by Royston Wood

  Chapter Seven

  The Woods

  “I spy with my little eye something beginning with…K!” said Tumble.

  Oh dear, thought Ruff, that’s a tricky one. I don’t know many words beginning with K – apart from kennel but there aren’t any kennels in the Noisy Metal Box That Transports. He looked around for clues. K…K…K?

  “Ooo…ahhh…knee!”

  “Durh!” said Tumble. “Knee begins with N, stupid.”

  “No it doesn’t. It begins with K!”

  “Don’t be daft! It’s nnnnnnnee not kee!”

  “Ooo key! Key! The thing that wakes the Noisy Metal Box That Transports up – Key.”

  “No,” said Tumble smugly.

  “Pah! Anyway knee does begin with K but the K is silent,” grumbled Ruff.

  “Yeah right!” said Tumble. “Like, it’s a ninja K is it! You must think I’m k-nuts if you think I’m going to believe that.”

  Ruff gave up on the argument – he was never going to win it without his dictionary and he had forgotten to bring it. He had left it in bed where he had been using it to look up difficult words in The Goblin Horde.

  She scanned the front of the Noisy Metal Box That Transports trying to spot something. K…K…K…not easy.

  The Pack Leader reached down to one of the controls of the Noisy Metal Box That Transports and gave it a tweak.

  “Ooo knob! The thing that the Pack Leader keeps fiddling with - on the end of that long stick.”

  “No,” said Tumble. “And anyway, that also begins with N. You’re not very good at this are you Ruff.”

  Ruff snapped out the first K word that he could think of, “Knickers!”

  “How dare you! One will not put up with such language from one’s servant!” snapped Tumble. She gave him a long Look. “And get it through your thick head that it’s ‘beginning with K’ not N, remember?”

  Ruff was fed up now. He didn’t know why he was playing this stupid game with Tumble.

  “Kippers!” she blurted in frustration.

  “Kippers?” said Tumble. “Where do you see any kippers around here?”

  “Humph,” snorted Ruff. “Something smells pretty fishy.”

  “Look, do you know the answer or not?”

  “No I don’t,” snapped Ruff.

  “You’ll lose your go if you don’t,” said Tumble taking great delight in pointing out the rules. “And then it will be my turn again,” she added smugly.

  There was a pause.

  “Well?” prompted Tumble.

  “Well what?” retorted Ruff.

  “WELL - DO - YOU - KNOW - WHAT - THE - ANSWER - IS?” Tumble said talking very slowly and loudly.

  “NO - I - DON’T,” said Ruff mimicking her. “I’VE - ALREADY - SAID - SO.”

  “Oh goody,” said Tumble. “Then it’s my go again. I spy with my little…”

  “Hang on! You’ve got to tell me what the word was.”

  “Oh,” said Tumble. “Cow.”

  “Cow!?!”

  “Yes. Cow.”

  “Cow doesn’t begin with K!”

  “Of course it does: k-ow.”

  “It begins with C you doofus!”

  “Oh yes! Right! Of course it does!” said Tumble.

  “Look, lots of words that sound like they begin with K, actually begin with C,” explained Ruff.

  “Like cat I suppose,” sneered Tumble.

  “Yes! Actually that’s right. And cake and…and castle.”

  “Rubbish!” snarled Tumble. “They all begin with a K sound so they must begin with a K. Why would anybody begin a word that sounds like K with a C? That would be really dumb – like…like knee and knob beginning with K. Durh!”

  Ruff gave her a very severe Look and then sulked.

  Fortunately he didn’t have to sulk for long because the Noisy Metal Box That Transports stopped and before they knew it they were having their Restrainers attached and being let out.

  “Hooray! The Woods, The woods!! We love The Woods!” they both shouted at the top of their voices.

  Ruff pulled and huffed and puffed into his harness like a miniature steam train, attempting to pull the Pack Leader’s arm off. He was really keen to search for goblins and maybe get his old rubber ring back.

  Yesterday he had found his rubber bone and hidden it, with his rubber ball, under the fleecy mattress of his Night Bed. And then, last night, he had dreamt that he had crept into a vampire’s lair as Righteous Rufus. Count Vaxula, the vampire, had been asleep in his coffin with the Sceptre, a long golden rod-like thing, all studded with sparkly jewels. The Sceptre was the second of the three Crown Jewels he had to get back. When he had tried to take the Sceptre, Count Vaxula had woken and there had been a massive fight. Righteous Rufus was losing but luckily Vaxula stepped into some sunlight and turned to dust. So, he had grabbed the Sceptre and legged it.

  All Righteous Rufus had to do to stop Graksox now was find the final part of the Crown Jewels – the Crown.

  So, I found my old rubber ball and bone and then dreamt of finding the Orb and Sceptre as Righteous Rufus. I reckon that the Crown must be my old rubber ring. So, if I can find my old rubber ring then maybe I’ll dream about Righteous Rufus finding the Crown. Then all the Crown Jewels will be retrieved and Black Graksox won’t be able to invade with his Goblin Horde. The Pack Lands will be safe! And I’ll have all my old toys back.

  By now the Pack Leader was getting fed up with having his arm pulled off, so he let both dogs off their leads.

  Ruff and Tumble charged off down the track, Tumble giving Ruff the odd shoulder barge, just to remind him who was boss.

  “Right,” said Ruff. “We have to keep an eye out for my rubber ring. It might be in The Woods somewhere.”

  “Why would it be in The Woods?” asked Tumble.

  “I think Graksox has hidden it somewhere!” hissed Ruff as they dodged around a tight corner in the path. “Like he must have hidden my ball in the boot of the Noisy Metal Box That Transports and my bone in the Cave Under the Stairs, protected by that blood sucking Vax.”

  “Pah!” snapped Tumble, shoving Ruff off course so he had to splash through a particularly muddy puddle. “You put those things there to trick me into believing all that rubbish about Goblins! There’s no such thing as Goblins!”

  “Of course! Goblins!” barked Ruff, shaking muddy water out of his eyes. “Graksox has probably sent a Goblin to protect the Crown!”

  “What!”

  “So, if we can find the goblin then the Crown, or rubber ring, should be nearby! Right?”

  “Er…I don’t think…” began Tumble.

  “But how are we going to deal with the Goblin?”

  “There aren’t any…”

  “It will probably be a big one,” interrupted Ruff.

  “Why do you think it will be a big one?” asked Tumble, a slight quaver to her voice.

  “Because Graksox has sent it to protect the Crown! I’m sure he would only send his most brutal fighter for the job.

  Tumble frowned. “If there was such a thing as a Goblin, which there isn’t, we would surround it,” she said. “I would attack it from the front whilst you approach from the rear. OK?”

  Ruff peered left and right as he galloped along, hoping to spot the Goblin.

  As they both leapt over a branch that had fallen across the track, Ruff, who was still wondering how to best deal with the goblin when they met him, had a nasty thought.

  “What if there’s more than one Goblin? There may be two or...or even lots. How will we surround lots of Goblins?”

  “We’ll herd them up,” said Tumble.

  “What, like sheep?” queried Ruff.

  “No stupid. Durh! Like sheep! No. We’ll herd them up like cows.”

  “Don’t you mean k-ows?” mumbled Ruff.

  “That’s what I said.”

  “Why like cows?” asked Ruff.

  “Because
I’m a Corgi,” said Tumble.

  “So what?”

  Tumble looked at Ruff as if he had just grown an extra ear. “Corgi. You know? Cattle herder.”

  “You are a cattle herder?” asked Ruff in disbelief.

  “Yes. It’s in the breed description. Corgi: ancient, Welsh, wolf like breed, not overly tall, used for herding cattle, very graceful and beautiful.”

  Mmmm? Sounds like some of that is made up, thought Ruff. Not overly tall! Stumpy legs more like. Very graceful and beautiful? Compared to a hippo, perhaps.

  “So you herd cattle do you?” Ruff asked.

  “Yes!” said Tumble, her nose in the air and her tail bushy with pride.

  “And it doesn’t worry you that they’re really big and you’re really shor…not overly tall?”

  “No! Corgis are extremely brave and courageous. Did I forget to say that?”

  “More like you’re so ‘not overly tall’ that you can’t see the actually cow, only its legs. You probably think your herding a load of furry sticks.”

  Tumble’s lip curled back and she gave a warning growl.

  Ruff quickly changed the subject. “So, if we find one Goblin we’ll surround it and then attack. But if we find two or lots of Goblins, you’ll herd them up, then we’ll surround them and then attack.”

  “Yes,” growled Tumble, who by now had forgotten that there weren’t any Goblins.

  Ruff skidded to a halt in a cloud of dust and leaves. “Look! There’s one now!”

  “What?” queried Tumble.

  “A Goblin!"

  “Where?”

  “There!”

  “There?”

  “Yes!”

  “Where there?”

  “There there!”

  “There there where?”

  “Look! Just there!!”

  Tumble looked just there but still couldn’t see any Goblins. She turned to growl at Ruff but he was already running up the track.

  “Charge!!!” shouted Ruff, ignoring their well thought out plan about herding and surrounding and then attacking.

  Before Tumble could stop herself she found herself charging down the track toward just there, where the Goblin was.

  Tumble ran much faster than Ruff and soon streaked past him. As she approached just there, she shouted a battle cry and leapt to the attack.

  At the last second she skidded to a stop, eyeball to eyeball with the Goblin - which had sneakily changed itself into a tree stump.

  Then she remembered: there aren’t any Goblins!

  Feeling very foolish she turned around with a sheepish grin to see Ruff sauntering down the track.

  “Well done. Caught it did you?” said Ruff.

  Tumble just glared at him.

  “Tree stump eh? Very vicious I understand.”

  The glare got stronger.

  “Can give you a nasty trip if you’re not careful.”

  Tumble growled deep down in her chest.

  “Herded it did you?”

  Tumble lunged but Ruff had already skipped aside and was running back up the track towards the safety of the Pack Leader and Lead Female.