Bill Bailey's Lot

by Catherine Cookson

  Willie turned quickly and looked back up the room to see the funny old man leaning forward in his chair, saying, ‘The next time you come to visit us, bring your friend from the tip, will you?’

  Willie’s smile spread from ear to ear. ‘Yes, sir! Yes, sir! I’ll tell him.’

  Lady Kingdom bade them a warm farewell at the front door and said that they must come again.

  The car had hardly started to move before Willie exclaimed loudly, ‘Did you hear what he said?’

  Before he could continue, however, Fiona said, ‘Yes, I heard what Sir Charles said, but he was joking.’

  ‘He wasn’t, Mam. He meant it.’

  ‘Yes, he might have meant it, but merely to be able to laugh at Sammy.’

  ‘Oh, no, Fiona.’ Bill cast her a hard look now. ‘He’d laugh with the lad but not at him. He’s not that kind of a man.’

  ‘Dad’s right.’

  ‘Be quiet, Willie!’

  ‘Oh, Mam’—there were tears in the boy’s voice now—‘Don’t spoil the afternoon.’

  Fiona turned round now and angrily retorted, ‘If the afternoon was to be spoilt, Willie, it was you who contributed mainly towards it. You had no right to bring up the matter of the teapot.’

  ‘Enough! Enough! It was a natural thing for him to do.’

  ‘Oh, Bill.’ She turned and stared out of the window, thinking, as she had done once before, there had been no peace in the house since that boy had entered it. She would have to do something. But what? She couldn’t think at the moment. And then the perpetrator of her irritation himself swept it away from her when his hand came on her shoulder and his voice in her ear muttered, ‘I’m sorry, Mam. I really am. I didn’t mean to spoil anything. It’s been a lovely time.’

  It was some seconds before she could turn her face round to him and say, ‘I know you didn’t, dear. It’s all right. And it was a lovely time, wasn’t it?’ Then she forced herself to go a step further and make them all laugh by saying, ‘And isn’t it wonderful we’re going to have an actress in the family.’

  When the laughter subsided, Bill said, ‘Many a true word spoken in a joke, eh Katie?’

  ‘Yes, Dad. I’ll surprise them all one day. And when I’m picked for the Royal Variety Show…’

  ‘Oh Lord! She’s going to be a comedian.’

  ‘No, I’m not, our Mark. And anyway, you’ve got it wrong, a woman can’t be a comedian, it’s comedienne.’

  ‘There you are. And she’s right, too; what’s wrong with being a comedienne? Look at Penelope Keith in To The Manor Born; she’s marvellous.’

  ‘I like Olive and Popeye,’ put in Mamie.

  Again there was general laughter; then out of the blue Willie enquired, ‘Why did we go there this afternoon, Dad? What did Sir Kingdom want?’

  ‘Oh, only to talk about a bit of business.’

  ‘You’re going to get the big estate job?’

  This was from Mark, and Bill answered, ‘No, no; that isn’t settled yet. It was just a bit of other business…’

  From Bill’s tone and the look on his face, Fiona couldn’t wait until they got home to know what this other business was. But it wasn’t until the children had changed their clothes and got through another more substantial meal and were now settled round the television that she managed to be alone with him in the study. And she opened by saying, ‘Well, what was it all about?’

  He didn’t answer immediately, but when he did what he said surprised her: ‘I’m sick in my stomach,’ he said.

  ‘Why? What’s made you like that?’

  ‘What Sir Charles told me with regard to who’s got it in for me.’

  ‘He knows?’

  ‘Yes. Oh, yes, he knows.’

  ‘Well, tell me. Who is it? One of those in for the contract?’

  ‘I wish it was; I wouldn’t feel so bad. No.’ He paused, then looking into her face he said quietly, ‘Mrs Brown, that was.’

  ‘What d’you mean, Mrs Brown, that was?’

  ‘Brown’s wife.’

  ‘She? But…but why would she want to cause havoc in your business?’

  ‘Well, isn’t it evident? She’s out to break me in one way or another.’

  ‘And Sir Charles knows?’

  ‘Yes. Yes, he knows.’

  ‘But does he know the reason why? Or do you know the reason why?’

  ‘Yes, of course I do, my dear. Don’t you remember? Just before that time you went into hospital she came to the office and held out high prospects if I’d go to London and work for her, but in more ways than one.’

  Fiona screwed up her face. Yes, she remembered something about it now; but she had been in such a state, thinking she had cancer, and, too, Bill had made fun of the incident. Her voice was a mutter now and held some incredulity; ‘You mean, because of that she would go to the length of…well, engaging men…thugs? She must have.’

  ‘Yes; yes, she must have.’

  ‘But…but aren’t you upset? Surely, if she’s gone so far she’ll stop at nothing.’

  ‘She’ll stop all right, or, as I’ve told him, I go to the police. And yet, as he pointed out, I’ve no proof, and I won’t have until I catch those buggers. All I hope is I’m not alone when I do come up with them because I’ll want to do for them meself.’

  ‘What is he going to do about it? Has he any influence with her?’

  ‘Well, quite a lot I would have said at one time, but apparently not enough. She’s out of the country at the moment but she’s due back soon. He sent her a wire and a letter, so he tells me, and he’s also offered to pay for any damage she does. But as I said, he can’t pay for a life. And if it had been Harry Newton that was set upon instead of Barney she would have had a corpse at her door because Harry’s had one slight heart attack already. Barney’s the oldest of the lot, but he’s got a constitution like a horse, and so it’s just as well.’

  Fiona turned away from him, her hands gripping each other as she said, ‘She’s a dreadful woman, to go to those lengths all because you rebuked her.’

  ‘Aye. Well, you can imagine just how I rebuked her, can’t you? Because, believe it or not, I was really sorry for Brown at the time and told her so. I also used the term, bargepole.’

  ‘You mean you said you wouldn’t touch her with a bargepole?’

  ‘Just that.’

  ‘Oh, Bill!’

  ‘Now don’t worry. Don’t worry.’

  ‘That’s a stupid thing to say, don’t worry. And you’re worrying. I knew something had happened as soon as I got back into that room; you looked as if you’d had a shock.’

  ‘Well, you’re right there, I did have a shock. And you’ve just got a shock, haven’t you? But there’s one thing I’ll say to you: I know you talk to Mark as one adult to another, but don’t give him any hint of this. He’ll probe to know what business it was, not out of mere curiosity, I grant you, but just to know what’s going on. I’ve always tried to make him feel important and in charge of the others; but he’s as sensitive as a woman in some ways. So, I’m telling you, don’t let on. Think up anything but the truth.’

  She went to him now and put her arms around his neck and, looking into his eyes, she said, ‘If you had still been the middle-of-the-road man when she put her proposal to you would you have accepted?’

  ‘No; knowing then the set-up between her and Brown, no.’

  ‘But if you hadn’t known about the set-up?’

  One corner of Bill’s mouth took on a quirk and he put his head back as if considering; then, looking at her again, he said, ‘I might have, being a middle-of-the-road man and havin’ an offer like that made to me by an attractive woman, because, say what you like, she was attractive.’

  Her hands snapped from around his neck and she pushed him with both of them on the chest, saying, ‘I ask myself at times why I bother with you! You can lie like a trooper about other things, why can’t you lie to me?’

  ‘Because, love, you wouldn’t want me to. Aw, lass’—he pull
ed her towards him—‘don’t take the pet. ’Tisn’t you.’

  ‘Then why can’t you be tactful?’

  ‘It wouldn’t be me. I’ve always been honest with you. Anyway, how many times have I told you it was from the minute I saw you in that paper shop that I knew I’d have you, and not just as a landlady either. But I had to work me way in, hadn’t I? By! That was hard. Come on, lass, smile. I’ve got enough on me plate without worrying about our love life.’

  ‘Oh, Bill, you’re incorrigible.’

  ‘I like that word, I must remember it. I’m collecting words, you know. I hope you’ve noticed. Oh, there’s the phone. You know, that phone never seems to stop ringing. What time is it? Ten minutes to seven.’

  Bill was making for the door when he turned, saying, ‘Oh, someone’s answering it. That’s likely Mark.’

  A moment later Mark pushed his head round the study door, saying, ‘It’s Nell, Mam.’

  ‘Nell?’

  Fiona went quickly past them now. She picked up the phone, and Nell must have realised this, for her voice came to her saying, ‘I knew you had all come back. Are you going out again?’

  ‘No, no, Nell. Why?’

  ‘May I come round for a moment?’

  ‘I wish you wouldn’t be so silly, woman, may you come round for a moment! Whatever it is, get yourself round; and don’t ever ask again.’

  She put down the phone and turned to Bill who had come into the hall and said, ‘It’s Nell. She wants to come round for a moment.’

  ‘She’s daft, that woman. Why on earth does she have to phone?’

  ‘It’s all because of you. I told you; she hates to disturb your slumber. Anyway, apparently she wants to have a talk, and I’m glad because she’s been acting very odd, at least she has for someone newly engaged, so will you keep them out of the kitchen?’

  ‘Leave it to me.’

  Fiona was only in the kitchen a minute or so when the back door opened and Nell came in. She was dressed for out and looked very smart, and Fiona, making the obvious remark, said, ‘You’re going out?’ and so she got the obvious answer:

  ‘Yes, yes, I’m meeting Bert at half-past seven. I was round at his place this afternoon, but now we’re going out to dinner.’

  ‘Nice. I’m glad. Sit down.’

  They both sat down, but when Nell didn’t speak and bit on her thumb nail, Fiona said, ‘Come on, come on. Unload.’ Then reaching across, she gripped Nell’s hand, saying, ‘What is it, dear? Oh, don’t cry; it’ll make a mess of your make-up. What is it?’

  ‘You never know people, do you?’

  ‘No, I suppose that’s true.’

  ‘I’ve lived with Mam and Dad since…well, since we moved next door, and before that I was always dropping in, seeing to things for them. Well, I thought they knew how Bert felt about me and how I felt about him…well, I knew Mam did. But whenever Dad spoke of it I realise now he did it as a sort of joke. Well, to cut a long story short, when things were coming to a head, I mean between Bert and me, and I knew he was going to ask me, once or twice I heard Mam and Dad arguing, and I couldn’t believe it really because they seemed such a happy couple. And then the very night we got engaged I found out why. He…he ordered me out.’

  ‘He what! You mean, Mr Paget?’

  ‘Yes, yes. I…I couldn’t believe it. He said if I was going to marry that man—in fact, he suggested that we were already married except in name—I had either to go to his place or to my friends next door.’ Nell’s head was bobbing now and her eyes were bright with tears. ‘Fiona, I just couldn’t believe it. It was a bigger shock than when Harry walked out on me. It was, really. He said that after all they had done for me he expected me to stay with them for life and look after them, especially Mam, being she’s not well. He gave me no option: pointing to my ring, he said, “Either give that back to him this very night or don’t come back here.” Mam had to intervene.’

  ‘I can’t believe it. He seemed such a nice man, and thought the world of you.’

  ‘So thought I. But I know now that his kindly manner had been hiding a sort of religious mania or moral mania. When Harry left me I thought his father was taking a very strong note when he said that he would never speak to him again as long as he lived. But last night, he told me that he considered me still married to his son: his son may have sinned but I was still his lawful wife. He tolerated you, Fiona, I gathered, because your husband had really died. That made the difference, you see; yet not altogether, because you had been married in a registry office. It all came out. I really couldn’t take it in.’

  ‘And I can’t either, not what you’re telling me. Anyway, why didn’t you speak about this before? Why didn’t you come straight round here?’

  ‘Oh, I just couldn’t. I felt it would be taking advantage of good nature; and anyway, I was sort of…of stunned. Do you know, it really had a worse effect on me than when Harry walked out.’

  ‘Have you told Bert about this?’

  ‘No. How could I?’

  ‘Well, you must, woman. Now, this very night you tell him. And you’re not going to be swayed, are you?’

  ‘Oh no, Fiona, I’m not going to be swayed because I realise that I’ve never known what…well’—she looked down towards her hands again—‘what real love is, and I have it for Bert, and I’m sure Bert has it for me.’

  ‘Well, there you are then. There’s a house all ready waiting for you; forget about engagements and go and get married straight away. I know he’s a churchman, but the minister might be one of those who won’t marry divorced people. If the church won’t do it, there’s the registry office, and so get yourself to it and don’t wait, dear, because if Mr Paget’s turned out to be the Jekyll and Hyde that he is he could play on your feelings until you do give in. Oh, I’ve heard of such, and I’ve had a bit of it, you know, through Mother. But again I cannot understand why you didn’t tell me straight away.’

  Nell smiled now and said, ‘Well, there was another obstacle. You’ve just mentioned Jekyll and Hyde. Well, my father-in-law has certainly turned into that all right, because, you know, after telling me to get myself across here he informed me that if I said a word about his attitude he would know and he would come across and tell…’ She paused here and repeated, ‘He said he’d come across here and tell Bill what he thought about him as a man, and so on, and so on, and by the sound of it his opinion wasn’t high, and never has been. And just look back to the times that he’s been here for a meal. Remember Christmas? Could you remember a nicer or more jolly man?’ Her voice and face changed now as she said, ‘I…I think he must be mental, schizophrenic or something, one of those. And I think Mam has been aware of this for a long time, because since this has happened I can recall her coming downstairs at times, saying, “Dad’s lying down. He’s got that headache again.” And when I’ve offered to take him a drink she’s said, “No; I’ll do it,” although she could hardly get upstairs with her bad leg.’

  Nell rose to her feet now and looked at her watch, saying, ‘I’ll have to be off,’ and Fiona went to her and, putting her hands on her friend’s shoulders, she said, ‘Now, listen to me. You’ll tell Bert all this, won’t you?’

  ‘Yes; yes, I will.’

  ‘And if it gets too hot for you next door you come back here, because I can easily shuffle those beds around upstairs. If the worst comes to the worst you can take up your abode in the playroom. That old couch is as comfortable as any in the house.’

  ‘Oh, Fiona.’

  ‘Now, now; don’t cry; you’ll mess up that make-up. I’ve told you. And you look fine, like a young girl. I’m not kidding. Go on now, and no matter what time you get back, pop in and tell me that it’s all settled, that you’re going to be married next week.’

  ‘Oh, Fiona, that’s jumping the sticks.’

  ‘Well, it’s about time you did. Go on.’ She now pushed Nell out of the door, but within a minute she was in the sitting room and beckoning to Bill as she said, ‘Here!’

&nb
sp; ‘Shhhh! Mam.’ The command for silence came from Mark and Katie; and Bill whispered, ‘It’s a Western. They’re going to get him.’

  ‘I’ll get you if you don’t come now.’

  Bill made a great pretence of dragging himself away from the television. And when he reached the study close on her heels he said, ‘Well, what’s the news?’

  ‘Sit down. You won’t believe this.’

  It took her all of five minutes to relate what Nell had said, for she interspersed this with her own comments. And when there was no response from Bill she said, ‘What d’you think of that? Eh?’

  ‘What do I think of it? I think we’ve got a psycho next door all right. And when I come to think of it now, there have been times when he’s utterly ignored me and I thought he was slightly deaf. I spoke to him over the fence one morning. He was doing something in the garden. His back was half-turned towards me, but my voice, as you say, carries to the end of the street, and he didn’t move a muscle. I thought it was funny at the time, and I remember thinking he must be deaf in one ear, but recalling that he hadn’t seemed to be deaf when he had been in here at various times before that. And that wasn’t the only time that he seemed to ignore me. I still put it down to this being deaf in one ear business though. Poor old Nell. She does get it, doesn’t she? Likely his son took after him and she had that to put up with too. By the way’—he wagged his finger at her—‘didn’t Mrs Paget say he was from Ireland, and I remarked it wasn’t an Irish name? Remember?’

  ‘Yes, but what has that got to do with it?’

  ‘Only these things seem to link up. You know, Liverpool floats on the Irish population and in our street we felt like foreigners with so many of them. And I remember a sort of discussion, well, it would often come up, about two families where the daughters of the house never married and that in both cases they had looked after their parents. And I can hear me dad saying, jocular like, that Ireland was full of bachelors ’cos Irish parents demanded that one daughter stay at home to see to them in their old age. And you know, he was right. These two were very nice and presentable middle-aged women who only seemed to get out of the house when they went to Mass or Confession or what have you. Aye’—he nodded—‘me dad said it was an Irish strain, and if the only girl in the family should walk out an’ let them fend for themselves, it was as if she had committed a crime. Now, there you have it, the strain is next door.’