The Plays of Anton Chekhov

by Anton Chekhov

  [FIRST GUEST yawns.]

  How can you yawn in front of ladies.

  FIRST GUEST: Pardon, mesdames. I didn’t mean to.

  [ZINAIDA SAVISHNA gets up and goes out by the right-hand door; a prolonged silence.]

  YEGORUSHKA: Two diamonds.

  AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA: Pass.

  SECOND GUEST: Pass.

  KOSYKH: Pass.

  BABAKiNA [aside] : Lord, what boredom. I could die!

  II

  [The same, ZINAIDA SAVISHNA and LEBEDEV.

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA [coming through the right-hand door with Lebedev, quietly] : What are you doing settling down in there? What a prima donna! Sit with the guests. [Sits down in her previous place.]

  LEBEDEV [yawning] : Oh, our sins weigh heavy! [Seeing Babakina] Lord, the pot of jam is sitting there! Our Turkish delight! [Greets her.] How is your most precious health? ...

  BABAKiNA: Thank you very much indeed.

  LEBEDEV: Well, thank God! ... Thank God! ... [Sits down in an armchair.] So ... so ... Gavrila!

  [GAVRILA brings him a glass of vodka and a tumbler of water; he drinks the vodka and washes it down with some water.]

  FIRST GUEST: Your good health!

  LESEDEV: What good health? ... I’m not yet a corpse, and for that thanks. [To his wife] Zyuzyushka, where’s our birthday girl?

  KOSYKH [plaintively]: For God’s sake tell me why we haven’t taken the trick? [He jumps up.] Why the devil have we lost?

  AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA [jumping up, angrily]: Because, my friend, if you can’t play, you shouldn’t sit down at the table. What absolute right do you have to follow someone else’s suit? So you’ve been left with that pickled ace! ...

  [Both run forward from the table.]

  KOSYKH [in a tearful voice]: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen ... I have in diamonds ace, king, queen and a sequence of eight, the ace of spades and one, just one, little heart, but she, devil knows why, couldn’t declare a little slam! ... I said no trumps ...

  AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA A [interrupting]: I said no trumps! You said two no trumps ...

  KOSYKH: This is disgraceful! ... Excuse me ... you have ... I have ... you have ... [To Lebedev] You be the judge, Pavel Kirillych ... I have in diamonds ace, king, queen and a sequence of eight ...

  LEBEDEV [blocking his ears]: Leave me alone, do me that favour ... leave me alone ...

  AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA [shrieking] : I said no trumps!

  KOSYKH [furiously]: You can label me a criminal and excommunicate me if I ever again sit down to play with that old sturgeon! [Quickly goes out into the garden.]

  [The SECOND GUEST follows him, YEGORUSHKA remains at the table.]

  AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA: Ouf! ... He’s given me a fever ... Old sturgeon! ... Old sturgeon yourself! ...

  BABAKiNA: But you were angry, granny ...

  AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA [seeing Babakina, throws up her hands]: My treasure, my beauty! ... She is here and, blind as a bat, I didn’t see her ... My dove ... [Kisses her on the shoulder, and sits down by her.] What joy! Let me look at you, my white swan! ... [Spits three times.] That’s against the evil eye ...

  LEBEDEV: Oh you do go on ... Better find her a husband ...

  AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA: I will! I won’t go to my grave, sinner that I am, before I’ve seen her and Sanichka married! ... I won’t go to my grave ... [A sigh.] The point is, where can one find a bridegroom today? There they sit, our bridegrooms, feathers all ruffled like wet cockerels! ...

  THIRD GUEST: Not a very successful comparison. As I see it, mesdames, if today’s young men prefer the bachelor life, one must blame social conditions, so to speak ...

  LEBEDEV: Now, now ... don’t theorize, I don’t like it.

  III

  [The same and SASHA.]

  SASHA [coming in and going to her father]: Such magnificent weather, and you’re all sitting in here in this fug.

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: Sashenka, don’t you see that Marfa Yegorovna is with us?

  SASHA: I’m sorry. [Goes to Babakina and greets her.]

  BABAKiNA: You’ve got too grand, Sanichka, you’ve got too grand, you might have come to see me just once. [Kissing her.] Happy birthday, my love ...

  SASHA: Thank you. [Sits down beside her father.]

  LEBEDEV: Yes, Avdotya Nazarovna, there’s a problem now with bridegrooms. And not just bridegrooms - you can’t get decent ushers anywhere. The young people of today, I don’t say it to insult them, are, Lord help them, kind of sour and overcooked ... No dancing, no conversation, no intelligent drinking ...

  AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA: Well, they’re all masters of drinking, just put it in front of them ...

  LEBEDEV: It’s no great thing to drink — a horse too can drink ... No, one must drink intelligently ... In our time we used to struggle with lectures all day, but as soon as evening came we went straight off somewhere where the lights were shining and spun like tops till dawn ... And we would dance and entertain the young ladies, and look after this. [Flicks his throat with a finger.3] We would talk nonsense and philosophy till our tongues went numb ... But today’s lot ... [Waves his hand.] I don’t understand ... They wouldn’t make God a candle or the Devil a poker. In the whole district there’s only one worthwhile young fellow, and he’s married [sighs] and I think he’s now started to go crazy ...

  BABAKINA: Who is that?

  LEBEDEV: Nikolasha Ivanov.

  BABAKINA: Yes, he’s a good man [making a face], only an unhappy one! ...

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: How could he be happy, my love. [Sighing] What a mistake he made, poor thing ... He married his little Jewish girl and the poor man calculated that her father and mother would give mountains of gold with her, but it turned out the opposite ... Ever since she changed her faith, her father and mother have refused to see her and curse her ... So he hasn’t received a kopeck. Now he’s sorry, but it’s too late ...

  SASHA: Mama, that’s not true.

  BABAKINA [heatedly]: Shurochka, how is it not true? Everyone knows it. If he didn’t have that in mind, why would he marry a Jew? Aren’t there enough Russians? He made a mistake, my love, he made a mistake ... [Animatedly] Lord, and she’s getting it from him now! What a farce. He comes home from somewhere and rushes in to her: ‘Your father and mother tricked me! Get out of my house!’ But where is she to go? Her father and mother won’t take her in; she could become a servant, but she’s not trained to work ... He goes at her and he goes at her until the Count stands up for her. If it weren’t for the Count, he’d have sent her to her grave long ago ...

  AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA: He used to lock her in the cellar and tell her, ‘Just eat up that garlic, you so-and-so’ ... She’d eat and eat until it was coming out of her ears.

  [Laughter.]

  SASHA: Papa, these are lies!

  LEBEDEV: So what! Let them have their fill of gossip ... Gavrila!

  [GAVRILA bringshim vodka and water.]

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA : That’s why he was ruined, poor man. His affairs collapsed, my love ... If Borkin hadn’t been looking after the estate, he and the Jewess wouldn’t have had anything to eat. [Sighing] And how we have suffered because of him, my love! ... Such suffering as only God can see! Would you believe it, dear, he’s owed us nine thousand for three years!

  BABAKINA [with horror]: Nine thousand! ...

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: Yes ... my dear Pashenka made the arrangements for lending him that. He doesn’t distinguish between people you can lend to and those to whom you can’t. I’m not talking about the capital — who cares — but if he could only pay the interest on time! ...

  SASHA [heatedly]: We’ve talked about this a thousand times!

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: What’s it to do with you? Why are you standing up for him?

  SASHA [getting up]: But what drives you to say all this about a man who has done you no harm? Well, what has he done to you?

  THIRD GUEST: Aleksandra Pavlovna, allow me to say two words. I have a respect for Nikolay Alekseyevich and always counted that an honour, but, speaking entre nous,4he s
eems to me an adventurer.

  SASHA: And I congratulate you for thinking that.

  THIRD GUEST: In proof I will adduce the following fact which was communicated to me by his aide, his so to speak cicerone, Borkin. Two years ago, at the time of the cattle epidemic, he bought some cattle, insured them ...

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: Yes, yes, yes! I remember the case. I was told about it too.

  THIRD GUEST: Insured them, note, then infected them with the disease and collected the money.

  SASHA: Oh, this is all nonsense. No one bought and infected cattle. Borkin himself concocted a plan like that and boasted about it everywhere. When Ivanov learnt about it, Borkin was asking his forgiveness for two weeks afterwards. Ivanov is only guilty of having a weak character and lacking the guts to kick that Borkin out of his house, and guilty of having too much trust in people! Everything he had has been pilfered and stolen; anyone who wanted to has made money from his generous ventures.

  LEBEDEV: Temper! That will do.

  SASHA: Why do they all talk nonsense? Oh, this is all so boring, boring! Ivanov, Ivanov, Ivanov — and there are no other subjects of conversation. [Goes to the door and comes back.] I am astonished! [To the young men] I am absolutely astonished at your patience, gentlemen! Are you really not bored sitting like that? The air has set thick from boredom. Say something, amuse the young ladies. If you have no other subjects of conversation but Ivanov, then laugh, drink, dance or something ...

  LEBEDEV [laughing] : Give it to them, really give it to them!

  SASHA: Listen, do me this favour! If you don’t want to dance, laugh or sing, if all that bores you, then I ask you, I beg you for just once in your lives, just for fun, to astonish us or make us laugh, summon up your energy and all together think up something witty or brilliant, say something which even if it’s rude or vulgar, at least is funny and fresh. Or all of you together do something small, something we might hardly notice, but which has some tiny resemblance to a serious exploit, so that the young ladies for once in their lives, looking at you, might say ‘Ah!’ Listen, you want to please, don’t you, but why don’t you try to please? Oh gentlemen! All of you are hopeless, hopeless, hopeless! Looking at you, flies would die and lamps begin to smoke. Hopeless, hopeless! ... I’ve told you a thousand times and will always tell you that you are all hopeless, hopeless! ...

  IV

  [The same, IVANOV and SHABELSKY.]

  SHABELSKY [entering with Ivanov by the right-hand door] : Who is making a speech here? Is it you, Shurochka? [Laughs loudly and shakes her hand.] Happy birthday, my angel, God grant you to die a little later and no reincarnation ...

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA [joyously]: Nikolay Alekseyevich, Count! ...

  LEBEDEV: Well, well! Who do I see ... Count! [Goes to meet them.]

  SHABELSKY [seeing Zinaida Savishna and Babakina, stretches out his arms towards them]: Two moneybags on one sofa! ... A sight for sore eyes! [He greets them. To ZinaidaSavishna] Good evening, Zyuzyushka! [To Babakina] Good evening, Pompom! ...

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: I am so glad, Count — you’re so seldom our guest. [Shouting] Gavrila, tea! Sit down, please. [She gets up, goes out of the right-hand door and returns at once looking very worried.]

  [SASHA sits down in her previous place, IVANOV silently greets everyone.]

  LEBEDEV [to Shabelsky]: Where have you come from? What forces brought you here? What a surprise, may God punish me ... [Kisses him.] Count, you’re an old pirate! Decent people don’t behave like that. [Leading him by the arm towardsthe footlights.] Why don’t you visit us? Are you cross or something?

  SHABELSKY: How can I get to you? Riding a stick? I haven’t my own horses and Nikolay doesn’t bring me with him but tells me to stay with Sara so she isn’t bored. Send your own horses for me, then I’ll come ...

  LEBEDEV [gesturing with his hand]: Well ... Zyuzyushka would sooner burst than give up her horses. My dear old friend, you know that for me you are nearer and dearer than anyone. You and I are the only survivors of the old-timers. ‘In you I love the pains I knew of yore, and my dead youth ...’5 I’m joking, but you can see I’m almost crying. [Kisses the Count.]

  SHABELSKY: Let me go, let me go! You smell like a wine cellar ...

  LEBEDEV: My dear friend, you cannot imagine how bored I am without my friends. I’m ready to hang myself from boredom ... [In a low voice] Zyuzyushka with her loan bank has driven away all the decent people, and as you see only the barbarians are left ... these Dudkins and Budkins ... Well, have some tea.

  [GAVRILA offers the Count tea.]

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA [to Gavrila, anxiously]: Look, how are you serving it? You should have brought some jam ... Gooseberry or something ...

  SHABELSKY [laughs loudly; to Ivanov]: What did I say to you? [To Lebedev] I had a bet with him on the way that as soon as we arrived Zyuzyushka would at once begin to offer us gooseberry jam ...

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: Count, you are still just as sarcastic ... [Sits down.]

  LEBEDEV: They’ve made twenty barrels of it, so what can we do with it?

  SHABELSKY [sitting down by the table]: Are you still hoarding, Zyuzyushka? Well, do you have your little million yet?

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA [with a sigh]: Yes, seen from the outside, there’s no one richer than us, but where would we be getting the money from? It’s just talk ...

  SHABELSKY: Oh yes, yes! ... We know! ... We know how badly you play your game ... [To Lebedev] Pasha, tell me honestly, have you saved a million?

  LEBEDEV: God, I don’t know. Ask Zyuzyushka that ...

  SHABELSKY [to Babakina]: And our fat little Pompom will soon have her little million! Goodness, she gets prettier and plumper6 not by the day but by the hour! That means a lot of dough ...

  BABAKINA: Thank you very much indeed, Your Highness,7 only I don’t like mockery.

  SHABELSKY: My dear moneybags, is that mockery? It’s just a cry of the heart, my lips are uttering from an excess of feeling ... my love for you and Zyuzyushka is boundless ... [Gaily] Rapture! ... Ecstasy! ... I cannot see you both without being moved ...

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: You’re still just the same as you were. [To Yegorushka] Yegorushka, put out the candles. Why let them burn uselessly if you’re not playing?

  [YEGORUSHKA comes to with a start, puts out the candles and sits down.]

  [To Ivanov] Nikolay Alekseyevich, how is your wife’s health?

  IVANOV: Bad. Today the doctor said she definitely has consumption ...

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA: Really? What a tragedy! ... [Sighs.] And we’re all so fond of her ...

  SHABELSKY: Nonsense, nonsense and more nonsense! ... There is no consumption, it’s doctor’s quackery, hocus-pocus. He wants to loaf around playing Aesculapius,8 so he’s dreamt up consumption. It’s a good thing her husband isn’t jealous. [IVANOV makes an impatient movement.] As for Sara, I don’t trust one word of hers, not a single movement. I have never in my life trusted doctors or lawyers or women. Nonsense, nonsense, quackery and hocus-pocus.

  LEBEDEV [to Shabelsky]: You’re an amazing character, Matvey ... You’ve assumed some kind of misanthropy and traipse around with it like a broody hen. You look like anyone else but as soon as you open your mouth, it’s as if you had a boil on your tongue or chronic catarrh ...

  SHABELSKY: What am I meant to do, kiss every crook and rogue or something?

  LEBEDEV: Where do you see crooks and rogues?

  SHABELSKY: I’m not talking of present company of course, but ...

  LEBEDEV: So much for but ... It’s all put on.

  SHABELSKY: Put on ... It’s a good thing you have no world-view of your own.

  LEBEDEV: What is my world-view? I sit and wait for the grim reaper every minute. That is my philosophy. You and I haven’t got time to think about philosophy, old man. So ... [Shouts] Gavrila!

  SHABELSKY: You’ve had too much Gavrila as it is ... Look at your nose, it’s all lit up.

  LEBEDEV [drinking]: Don’t worry, my love ... I don’t have to go to my wedding.

  ZIN
AIDA SAVISHNA: It’s a long time since Dr Lvov came to us. He’s quite forgotten us.

  SASHA: My pet aversion. Honesty on legs. He can’t ask for water or light a cigarette without displaying his exceptional honesty. Whether he’s walking or talking, his forehead has ‘I am an honest man’ written on it! It’s boring to be with him.

  SHABELSKY: A narrow-minded, one-directional physician! [Imitating him] ‘The road to honest labour!’ He squawks like a parrot at every step and thinks he really is a second Dobrolyubov.9 Anyone who doesn’t squawk is a criminal. His views are amazingly profound. If a peasant is prosperous and lives like a human being, then he must be a crook and an exploiting kulak.10 I wear a velvet jacket and a manservant dresses me — I am a crook and a supporter of serfdom.11 He’s so honest, so honest he’s bursting with honesty. He doesn’t know where to put himself. I’m even frightened of him ... I really am! ... I’m afraid he might hit me on the snout or treat me like a crook out of a sense of duty.

  IVANOV: He’s worn me out dreadfully, but I like him all the same; he has a lot of sincerity.

  SHABELSKY: Sincerity is nice! He comes up to me yesterday evening, and for no reason at all: ‘Count, I find you deeply antipathetic.’ Thank you very much! And none of this is straightforward, it has a message; and the voice trembles and the eyes flash and the knees shake ... To hell with his wooden honesty! So, he finds me repellent, vile, that’s natural ... I recognize it myself, but why say it to my face? I am a worthless person, but be that as it may, I do have grey hairs ... This honesty is without talent, without pity!

  LEBEDEV: There, there, there! ... You yourself were young, weren’t you, and can understand.