CHAPTER NINETEEN
KANE AND EDEN
Kane and Eden made their way back to Sasha’s office. Both were exhausted, but determined. Sasha met them at the door with a smile and handed each a glass of water as they took their paces back on the sofa. “I’d offer you something stronger but, on duty.” Sasha said to them as she took her own seat. Eden drank her water down in one gulp as Kane sipped on her own. Both placed their glasses on the table and turned to face Sasha. “As I told you outside, what you experienced was a panic attack. It’s the bodies fight or flight response to stress and strong emotion. What happened was your bodies way to protect itself, even if you don’t know what exactly you need to protect yourself from.” Sasha’s voice was low and monotone, calming and it put both Kane and Eden at ease. “I don’t think I have ever experienced anything like that before” Kane admitted. Sasha nodded “I’m surprised actually. With the stress you have been under since losing your son, it’s amazing that this was your first serious attack. Eden?” Sasha turned her attention to Eden and Eden sat up straighter. “What was it you felt when Kane was having her panic attack?” Eden automatically reached for Kane’s hand. “I felt, afraid. I felt the need to protect her, to comfort her, and I felt guilty for causing it to happen.” Kane started to talk and Sasha stopped her. “Let Eden finish Kane.” Kane nodded and remained silent. It was hard for her to listen to Eden express that she was afraid and felt guilty for something that Kane had done. Eden continued. “I always feel that at any moment one of us is going to just shatter. We pretend that things are getting better, that we’re getting better but it’s not really true. Every day it seems we come closer and closer to irretrievably breaking, and I’m…terrified. I’m terrified of losing the one thing, the one person that I have left.” A tear escaped Eden’s eye and ran slowly down her cheek. Kane felt utterly helpless and she hated that feeling. “Kane? You look frustrated. Tell me what you’re thinking.” Sasha turned her attention to Kane and suddenly Kane felt her throat constrict. Her breathing became labored again. Eden stood up “Kane? Sasha it’s happening again. Help her!” Sasha knelt in front of Kane and spoke softly to her. Kane? Kane, I need you to look at me. That’s it. Kane, you’re safe here, Eden is safe. No one can hurt you here.” Kane looked directly into Sasha’s eyes. “Slow your breathing down now Kane. You’re safe here. You’re safe.” Kane took deep breaths and by some miracle was able to control her rapid breathing. Her vision cleared and her heart rate dropped. “Ok. I’m ok.” Kane managed and Sasha stood and smiled. “Yes, you are.” Sasha returned to her seat and Eden and Kane both visibly relaxed. “I think that’s it for today, we don’t want to push thing too far too fast. I think for now any way; we should see each other three times a week. Is that acceptable to you both?” Kane and Eden both nodded. They looked relieved that the session was over, at least for today. “Perfect” Sasha stood and went to the door. “You both did really well today. You can be proud of yourselves. It was a strong start. Let’s meet again on Wednesday and in the meantime” she took a card out of her pocket and wrote on the back. “I’m going to give you my number. You call if you need anything, day or night ok?” Eden took the card and deposited it in her purse. Kane looked a bit shell shocked and she didn’t feel much better. “Thank you so much for everything Sasha. I’m so glad we decided to come today.” Eden said shaking Sasha’s hand. Kane also took her hand and shook it, but remained silent. “I am too. It was very nice meeting you both. I’ll see you Wednesday.” And with that the door closed and Eden and Kane were left alone. “You ok baby?” Eden rubbed small circles on Kane’s back. The gesture was soothing and Kane relaxed into her touch. “Yeah, I think I am. Hungry though.” Kane replied and Eden laughed. “Well that I can fix. How does pasta and a movie at home sound to you?” Kane kissed Eden’s lips “It’s sounds, perfect.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
EDEN
Kane had scared the life out of me in that therapy session. The way her skin grayed and her breathing came in short gasps, I thought I was losing her. I really thought for a moment, that she was dying, and it was my fault. And I can’t quite shake that feeling of panic and absolute desolation. I wonder if I will ever be able to live my life again without the fear of losing everything I love? It’s always there, like a part of my make-up now. I put on a brave face after the session because that is what Kane needed me to do, but I’m frightened. I think that Sasha will be good for Kane, for the both of us actually, but I’m afraid of pushing too far, too fast. Once Kane goes out into the ether of her grief, will she be able to find her way back? Will I? The thought was overwhelming and it made my head hurt. I quietly rolled over in bed and looked at Kane. She was sleeping and even managed to look somewhat peaceful in her slumber. My eyes traced the planes of her face, her eyebrows and roman nose. Her eyelids twitched with whatever she was seeing behind them, I hope it’s a good dream love. Under her eyes seemed slightly bruised from lack of sleep. We were both rather bruised and battered though, on the inside. I suppose we need to acknowledge those injuries in order to heal them but the thought of that now was exhausting. I stared at my wife as she slept. I thought about the last time we had made love. It had been about six months ago. Is that right? Has it really been that long since I have touched her? Since she has touched me? I remembered the night; it was a few months after Blake’s funeral. I had isolated myself after we buried our son. I couldn’t function as a human being never mind actually interact with anyone, even Kane. I knew she was lonely and hurting every bit as much as I was but I couldn’t see through my own torment. We argued that day. I don’t even remember what it was about now, something stupid no doubt. I just remember yelling and being so angry. Kane had sat silently on the couch and that made me even angrier. I stomped up to her “What is wrong with you? Can’t you FEEL anything?” She stood up and grabbed my face and kissed me then, it was a bruising kiss and we came together frantically. It was more about trying to erase the pain for just a few minutes than having anything to do with release. Afterward we both lay on the floor, half dressed and breathing hard. I reached blindly for Kane and my hand landed on the side of her face. It was wet with tears. I turned quickly and gathered her in my arms. She held onto me so tightly I almost couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t mind. It was what I needed, what she needed. To reestablish that connection that had existed from the moment we had met and gotten us through so many things together over the years. It would get us through this too if we let it. I ran my finger lightly down the side of Kane’s face. I didn’t want to wake her, but I needed to touch her. We had such a long road ahead of us but we would make it somehow, just like we always had, together.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
KANE
When we left Sasha’s office after that first session I don’t know if I have ever been so tired in all my life. I was tired in my body and in my heart. All I wanted to do, all I craved was to sleep. To sleep and sleep until it all went away. Eden needed me to be present though, and so I would be. When we left Sasha’s office we went straight home. Eden made a spaghetti dinner and we cuddled together on the couch and watched a light hearted comedy. We didn’t talk about the session; we didn’t need to. I wasn’t entirely sure of the specifics of what had happened to me. Sasha said panic attacks are common but I’ve never experienced anything like that before. I thought I was dying and all I could think was that I can’t leave Eden, I can’t leave her alone. I know she was scared, terrified really, I could see it in her eyes. It was still there if I looked at her in an unguarded moment. I was sorry I had scared her, but not sorry we had gone. I never in a million years thought that therapy would be helpful to me with anything. But now, after meeting Sasha, I trusted her. I’m not sure why that is, something about the way she was able to calm me down with just the sound of her voice. I knew Eden trusted her too and it almost felt as if we were led to her specifically for a reason. Whatever the case was, I felt optimistic about the future for the first time in a very long time. After the movie Eden
and I decided to turn in early. It didn’t really matter to me what we did as long as she was near me. I didn’t right at that moment think I could stand not having her near me. I changed into sweatpants and an old t-shirt and sank down into our bed. It felt so good and my body was so tired. Eden lie next to me and the warmth of her body relaxed me further. “Kane?” Eden asked softly. I was already half asleep and I mumbled back to her “hmm?” Eden stroked the side of my face “You’re so tired baby, rest now.” I tried, but there was something in the tone of Eden’s voice that told me to pay attention. I forced my eyelids open and took her hand. “What is it Eden? Are you ok?” Eden looked startled that I had spoken. “I thought you were asleep already.” I sat up a little bit against the headboard of the bed and gave Eden my full attention. “I’m awake. What is it Eden?” Eden smiled a sad smile that reached her eyes when she looked at me. “Do you remember?” she began “When Blake took his first steps?” I closed my eyes as the memory washed over me. Blake was about nine months old and he had been pulling himself up on anything or anyone who would stand still long enough. I had worked a really long twelve- hour shift and had just walked in the door and hung up my coat when I heard Eden yelling my name, loudly. I ran down the hallway into the living room scared to death that someone had broken in. When I slid into the living room loudly and out of breath, I looked at Eden and saw the smile on her face. It was enormous. She tilted her head to our son who at that very moment had taken his first step. I gasped and fell to my knees and put out my arms. “Good job buddy! That’s it, you can do it, come see Mama” and Blake did. He walked six full steps and fell right into my arms. I scooped him up and kissed his chubby little face. “You did it! I got you now” I opened my eyes back in the present and smiled at Eden. “I remember like it was yesterday.” Eden smiled and moved closer to me on the bed. “He really took off after that day” she said with a laugh. “Remember we were so cautious, always chasing him or standing over him so he wouldn’t fall and hurt himself.” I nodded, I remembered it all. After that day it seemed Blake didn’t walk anywhere, he ran. Eden and I were a nervous wreck. “He ran us ragged but I was never so happy Kane, as when I was protecting him. That was my job, I was his mom. I was his mom and I couldn’t protect him when he needed me to the most and now, he’s gone.” Kane felt helpless in that face of Eden’s pain. She started to speak to say…something, anything to comfort her wife but Eden placed two fingers over her mouth and just shook her head. “I was there, we were there when he came into this world and I promised in that moment that I would always protect him and I didn’t. I was there when he drew his first breath but I wasn’t there when he drew his last. I was his mother and when he was dying in the street I was just going about my day. Shouldn’t I have felt something? Shouldn’t the entire earth have shook on its very foundation when a soul as pure as Blake’s left it? It should have for me. I was his mother and I felt nothing when he passed from this world. I was his mother, and I didn’t know.” I had no words. There was nothing I could say that would take that pain out of Eden’s eyes, out of her heart so I gathered her in my arms and just held her. Neither of us spoke for a long time. I didn’t know what to say to her. I was there when he breathed his last. I held his small body close to mine in the middle of that dirty street and felt his spirit leave. He never opened his eyes, not once, but I didn’t think that was something Eden ever needed to know. So, for now we held each other tight, without words until sleep finally claimed us.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
BLAKE
My head hurt. I had refused to sleep for two days now. Even though my mind, my spirit knew I no longer needed it, my body was slow to catch up. My family was suffering, I could feel it all the time. I couldn’t help and that made me feel hopeless. Jacob listened when I talked to him about it but he didn’t offer much in the way of help. He seemed more focused on me getting all I had to say out. Maybe he thought it would make me feel better, it didn’t. My moms’, they needed to let me go. They needed to move on and live but I didn’t know how to help them do that. The only bright spot in my days anymore was little Alicia. She was so innocent and yet, sometimes I caught glimpses of her that seemed wise far beyond her years. She couldn’t remember her family still, or how she came to be here, with me. She was lucky I thought, there are some thing I wish I could just…forget. As long as my moms grieved and were so stuck in their pain, all I could do was remember. By not moving on with their lives they kept me, parts of me there, with them, and I didn’t belong there. Not anymore. For now, I would take care of Alicia, I felt responsible for her. I would continue to talk to Jacob and I would pray. I would Pray that my mothers’ would let me go and that they would find joy and peace again. Just like I told Alicia every night when she crawled into bed and drifted off. Someday. Someday.
The Day You Went Away Page 5