CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
KANE AND EDEN
We had been seeing Sasha three times a week now for an entire month. Kane had learned to get a grip on her panic attacks, for the most part. They still snuck up on her when she was least expecting it. The last one was two weeks ago when Sasha wanted to go over what had happened the day of Blake’s accident. There were so many emotions causing turmoil inside of Kane and Eden both. Eden cried, and relayed how she felt hearing the news. Kane didn’t know how to tamp down the storm that roiled inside and she went into another attack. Eden had gotten good at talking Kane down and Sasha let her. Kane was able to get control of her emotions relatively quickly. Today Sasha anticipated that they would have a difficult session. There were things that she needed to ask and she just hoped that both Kane and Eden would answer honestly. Eden and Kane walked into the office and took their normal seats on the sofa. Sasha took a deep breath and sat down across from them. “We are going to talk about some difficult things today.” Sasha began and noted the immediate look of discomfort that crossed Kane’s face. “I need you to remember that you are in a safe place here. If at any point you need to take a break just tell me. Ok? Would you like to begin?” Eden grabbed Kane’s hand and pulled it into her lap. They looked at each other, sharing a moment that Sasha felt was too intimate to include her so she looked away. Kane nodded first and Eden smiled at Sasha and said in a near whisper “We’re ready.” Sasha nodded, glanced once at her notes and then looked at the couple. “So many parents who suffer the loss of a child also deal with bouts of serious depression and, as you know, anxiety disorders. All of these things are normal and a part of the grieving process. Many of them also have suicidal ideation as well.” What I want to talk about today, or rather want you to talk about is this. Have either of you ever contemplated ending your life after the death of your son?” Eden looked right at Sasha and answered immediately. “No. Of course not.” Sasha noticed that Kane looked away. “Kane?” She prodded gently. Eden looked at her wife, a look of terror crossed over her face. “Kane? Baby you never…” When Kane nodded slowly in the affirmative Eden gasped and brought her hand up over her mouth. Kane looked at Sasha and began. “It was right after the funeral. I left for work in the morning, but I never went to work. I called in and checked myself into a hotel downtown. There was so much pain, too much. Every single part of me wanted to die, to be with Blake again. Well, every part of me except one.” With that she turned to Eden “The part of me that railed against it Eden, was the part of me that is you.” Eden let the tears fall and Kane caught one on the end of her finger. “You are my light Eden and I knew that no matter how much pain I carried inside of me, that I couldn’t leave you. Not ever. I love you, so much.” Eden was full out crying now and Kane took her into her arms. Sasha allowed the quiet to persist. What Kane and Eden both needed right now was each other. It seemed to Sasha that was always the case. She envied these women in a way and the love they shared. It was so powerful that it transcended death itself. Eden wiped her eyes and looked at Sasha somewhat embarrassed” Sorry” she whispered. Sasha shook her head. “There’s nothing to be sorry for Eden. This is a difficult discussion but a necessary one. Once we talk about these things, bring them into the light, they don’t hold any power over us any longer.” Eden and Kane both nodded. Eden looked once more at Kane “I never knew. I never knew how much you suffered. I’m so sorry baby.” Kane turned fully and face Eden, she took her hands and placed them gently on either side of her face. “Eden no, you saved me baby. You saved me.” Sasha cleared her throat and both women turned their attention back to the therapist. “What about now Kane? Was that the only time?” Kane nodded. “That was the only time I ever seriously considered it yes. I won’t lie, in the dark, in the middle of the night sometimes those thoughts still sneak up on me. But that’s all they are now, just thoughts. Nothing more.” Sasha nodded “As long as that is how they stay Kane, and if ever they become more that just thoughts, I trust that you will call me right away right?” Kane smiled that half smile that she had “I promise” Sasha seemed satisfied with the answer. She trusted the woman and she believed her. “I think that’s enough for today. You did really well, both of you.” Sasha stood indicating their time had come to an end. Kane felt lighter like a small amount of weight had been lifted from her. She put her arm around Eden as they walked outside. Eden stopped them before they got to their car and took Kane in her arms and hugged her tight. “Whoa what was that for?” Kane said smiling and hugging Eden back just as fiercely. “Just because I love you, and because I can.” Eden said with a smile of her own. Kane kissed her softly on the lips. “You are everything to me Eden, everything” Kane kissed her again and felt Eden sigh into her mouth. “I love you baby, more than I can ever tell you with words, I love you.” They hugged again, both feeling a small bit of the peace that had been missing from their lives slip back into place.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
KANE
Every day I feel a little better, a little more like me. I hated to admit it but the therapy was working. I never thought I would think that nevertheless say it out loud but I could admit when I was wrong. Eden was over the moon when I told her that and I just know she had to bite her tongue to prevent her from saying I told you so. I still thought about Blake, every single day. I didn’t think there would ever come a day when I didn’t, I didn’t want that. Now though, I remembered the good things about him, the times when he made me laugh, and the times when I was so proud of him that I could barely put it into words. Those memories were more and more prevalent now. The sadness was still there, the grief. Sasha said there was no time limit on grief. We couldn’t put it into a box on the shelf, it was a part of us now, a part of everyone who had ever lost someone they loved more than life itself. We couldn’t let it encompass our lives though and that is what I was working on now. I even thought that maybe I would ask my wife out on a date. It had been forever since we have gone anywhere together. I thought that maybe Eden would be upset with me after our last session with Sasha. I never intended for Eden to know about that day in the hotel, but now that it was out in the open, I was glad she did. I was afraid she would act weird around me once we got home but she hasn’t been anything but loving and affectionate. We hadn’t made love yet, but for the first time in a long time, I wanted to. I think Eden did too. We needed to connect again in that intimate way, show our love for each other with both our minds and our bodies, but I wasn’t going to rush anything. It would happen when both of us were ready. For now, I was happy with the progress we both had made and I felt optimistic about the future for the first time in as long as I could remember. I also thought that maybe it was time I returned to work. I couldn’t put it off forever and I couldn’t hang out at home much longer either. Eden had her art, which she was doing more and more of every day and I didn’t want to be in the way. I would talk to Eden about that later on. Maybe we could go have a nice dinner together. With a smile I made my way to Eden’s studio to ask her.
I was so excited about asking Eden to dinner that when I got to her studio door I didn’t even stop to knock. I opened the door and half jogged into the studio. Eden was so startled that she dropped her brush and palette, spilling colorful paint all over the floor, but that’s not what I noticed. My eyes were immediately drawn to the large canvas and the painting Eden had been working on. It was Blake as he had looked right before he died. It was our son and it was so realistic I almost expected him to walk off the canvas into life again. “Kane I…” “Eden, it’s beautiful.” I couldn’t stop looking at the painting. It was his eyes. His eyes looked so alive. I never thought I would see that again and I choked on my next words. Eden came to me immediately. “I’m sorry Kane, I didn’t want to tell you what I was painting until I was done.” I just stood there shaking my head “Eden, it’s like I’m looking at him again.” I said and my voice shook with the emotion of the moment. Eden just nodded. “Sometimes, when I’m painting it’s like he’s with me
. Right here standing next to me. It’s so real Kane that if I close my eyes, I almost feel like I can reach out and touch him again.” Eden was crying too now. “I know that sounds insane, but I believe that he is here sometimes, guiding my hand.” I looked at my wife and saw the wonder and sadness mixed together on her face. “It doesn’t sound insane at all.” I told her, wiping her tears away the best I could. “I’ve felt it too. Felt him. I even think I heard him once or twice.” I laughed then and wiped my own tears on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. “Who am I to say it’s not possible? There are more things in the universe than just what we can see and hear.” “Maybe” Eden conceded. “I just…needed to be close to him again, and this seemed the way to do that now.” I walked closer to the canvas reached her hand up and almost touched the painting. Eden stood beside me and the light from the window caught the side of her face as she stared at the portrait of our son. I don’t think I had ever seen anything so beautiful in all my life. “He looked just like you” I told Eden, not for the first time. “He was gorgeous. You are gorgeous.” Eden turned to face me and I bent slightly to kiss her lips. She returned the kiss and there was a fierceness about her that made my entire body melt into hers. I could feel her need in the heat of her skin against mine and I held onto as if she was the only thing keeping me afloat in this tumultuous sea, and maybe she was. I backed her over to the couch that sat in the corner of her studio and gently laid her down on it. “Are you sure?” I asked her in a whisper, having lost the ability to speak aloud. “Please” was her only response and it was the only one I needed.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
EDEN
Kane and I made love for hours and it was as exciting, more so, than it was the first time we were together. In many ways, it was a first, a reconnection of our bodies and souls. A start to a new life that neither of us asked for but were living anyway. We had travelled from the couch in my studio and up to our bedroom. Afterwards we lay side by side, still clasping each other’s hands. I was completed sated and I could still feel Kane’s hands on my skin and shivered from the memory. “Cold?” Kane asked me and reached down and pulled the sheet up to cover us. “No” I replied and snuggled against her side anyway. She put her arms around me and I felt safer than I had in a long time. I inhaled her scent and it was like coming home again after a long and difficult journey. If I closed my eyes, I could almost believe that everything was right in our world again. Almost. “Hey?” I sat up and looked down at Kane. She returned my look questioningly. “What did you come to my studio for? I mean, of course you can come there anytime you want but it looked like you were excited about something.” Kane smiled “Oh yeah! Well I came originally to ask you if you would have dinner with me tonight? A real dinner, in a restaurant, that we leave the house to get to.” I giggled. Kane looked so cute in that moment. I stretched up and met her lips with my own. “Of course, I will! I can’t think of anything I would rather do that have a nice dinner with my gorgeous wife.” Kane blushed and I kissed her again. “We better get moving though” I said as I crawled out of bed. “I’m starving!” With that we both went to take a shower together and get ready for our date.
The restaurant was beautiful. It’s low lighting and elegant table settings made me glad I had pulled my best black cocktail dress out of the back of the closet. Kane was dressed in a tailored pant suit and looked absolutely gorgeous. I was so proud to be on her arm. I was also nervous. There was something I wanted to discuss with Kane tonight, something important that I had been thinking about for a while now. I thought it best to just talk to her about it, be open, but I was nervous as to what her reaction would be. I would find out soon enough but for now, I wanted to just enjoy this bit of normalcy. The hostess sat us at a table by the fireplace and both Kane and I ordered a glass of white wine to start. I scanned the menu, everything looked so good I couldn’t decide. I glanced at Kane to see if she was having as much trouble making a selection as I was and found her not looking at the menu, but at me. “What is it?” I asked, feeling just a hint of self- consciousness. “You are so beautiful” Kane replied and it was my turn to blush. “Thank you” I whispered, ducking my head glad for the dim lights to hide my reddening cheeks. “Are you blushing?” Kane teased and I threw my napkin at her. “No, I am not! It’s the wine!” I pretended to be indignant but Kane saw right through me, she always had. We really did concentrate on the menus then. Kane ordered the sirloin and I opted for the fish. We enjoyed our meal, sometimes chatting casually but mostly in comfortable silence. When we had finished and the server had taken our plates, I decided now was the time to talk to her. “Kane…” “Do you want dessert? I kind of feel like having some dessert” Kane interrupted and leaned over to look for our waitress. “No. No, I don’t think so. Sweetheart? I kind of wanted to talk to you about something.” Kane looked serious then and gave me her full attention. “What is it? Are you ok?” I took a deep breath. Would there ever be a time when Kane didn’t immediately jump to the worst possible scenario? “I’m fine baby, I have just been thinking about something for a few weeks now, maybe longer and I wanted to talk to you about it.” Kane wiped her mouth with her cloth napkin and relaxed a little bit. She looked at me silently and waited for me to continue. Suddenly I wasn’t sure this was such a good idea anymore. My tongue felt too big for my mouth and my hands began to sweat. I cleared my throat once and then again. Kane tilted her head but continued to silently look at me. Waiting. “Kane. I…I have, struggled so much with Blake’s death. I know you have too. I want happiness in our home again. I want that so much for the both of us.” Kane nodded, her face softening. I averted my gaze. I couldn’t look at her for some reason right that moment. “I miss so many things about Blake. About our life with Blake. But Kane, one of the things I miss the most is being a mom.” Kane’s eyes widened slightly but still she remained quiet. “I know nothing, and no one could ever replace Blake, God never! That’s not what I’m talking about though.” My thoughts stuttered. Why wasn’t she saying anything? “I guess what I’m trying to say, is, Kane, I want to have another baby.” Kane sat silently looking at the table. I willed her to say something, anything but I couldn’t even get her to look at me. I didn’t know what to do, so I just started rambling. “It doesn’t have to be right away, I just…” Kane stood up then, still fixing her eyes on the table. She said one word, quietly but no word ever sounded so loud to my ears. “No.” With that she turned and walked for the exit leaving me sitting, stunned at our table.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
KANE
I had to get out of there. I had to move. I didn’t think about leaving Eden sitting by herself at the table, I didn’t think about anything but escaping. My mind was trying to tell my body to run but my legs felt as if they were encased in concrete. I made my way to the exit finally and stepped outside. The cool breeze brought me to my senses somewhat and I took great heaving gulps of it. I tried to remember what Sasha had said about breathing but I couldn’t think. There was a buzzing in my ears and all I could hear was Eden saying she wanted another baby. Another baby. I couldn’t protect the baby we had; I couldn’t save him. “I can’t go through that again. I can’t lose another one” I didn’t realize I had even said that last out loud until the couple that was walking into the restaurant stopped and stared. I turned and started walking down the street. I didn’t know where I was going, I didn’t even realize how far I had walked until I heard Eden call to me from behind. She sounded frantic. My need to escape was nothing compared to my love for Eden and so I stopped. I turned around and Eden was about 10 feet from me. She had taken off her heels to chase me. She had stopped too. She looked devastated and I thought it probably mirrored exactly how I myself looked at that moment. She hesitantly took a few steps towards me. She looked almost, scared. Had I done that? Had I put that look of fear on her face? I ran to her then. I ran and took her in my arms and held her like I was never going to let her go. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry” I kept repeating over and over again. E
den clung to me and I felt the tension drain from her body. “It’s ok baby, it’s ok. I sprung this on you in the wrong way. We can talk about it we can…” I stepped back from her then. “I’m so sorry Eden, but I haven’t changed my mind. My answer is still no.” I hated the sadness that played across her features then. I hated that I put it there. I hated myself.
We drove home in absolute silence. It was so different than earlier that afternoon. Was it just a few hours ago that we lie naked holding each other? If felt like eons. Eden spent the entire drive home looking out the window. I wanted to say something that would make her feel better, but I knew there was only one thing that would achieve that and I just couldn’t. I pulled into our driveway and Eden had opened the passenger door and exited the car before I even turned the engine off. I sat and watched her make her way to our front door, insert her key and disappear behind the door. I stayed where I was in the car. I was in no hurry to go inside and I knew, at least right at that moment, Eden didn’t want me there.
I stayed in the car for anther thirty minutes before I felt that I could move without shattering into a million pieces. The house was dark when I entered the front door. Eden must have gone to bed. I couldn’t face her and the disappointment and pain that I had caused. I promised Eden a long time ago that I would never hurt her. I broke that promise tonight. I failed her, again. I lay on the couch and pulled an afghan over me. I was wide awake. There would be no sleep tonight.
The Day You Went Away Page 6