God I Feel Modern Tonight
Page 4
the only ones invited
we’ve gone full cartoon-mode
wearing the same outfit every day
for the rest of our lives
waking up and having coffee
complaining and getting over it
you’re surprised when I tell you I pray
but I like the idea of wanting something
all the way
into space
poem I wrote after I made you tell me I was sexy four times today
I’m finding quarantine to be an amazing time
to revert to the basest, most vile
version of myself I’ve worked years
to outgrow
I’m reading a book about the guy
who discovered the color “mauve”
and googling vintage wallpaper
don’t tell me what day it is
I’ve never been patient
I don’t know how to “let something go”
people love encouraging self-care
until it’s inconvenient for them
everyone on twitter is upset and that’s the point
one time I had a trainer who was like
instead of having four drinks in one night
you should have four drinks in one week
and I was like yeah
that’s definitely an amazing idea
boys love getting haircuts
boys love analogies
boys love arguing and calling it philosophy
this guy who wronged me just liked my comment
on our mutual friend’s Instagram I’m almost
thirty
road trip poem #3
in LA we got naked & swam in the ocean
we ate cured meats & carrots
& sat in the back of a red pickup truck
like we were in a film where two old friends fight
& wrestle their way into a hug
heave-sobbing as the dust settles
I want to be famous for being the first person
who never feels bad again
road trip poem #9
I just zoned out while a married person told me
they know of an amazing banjo player I think
I don’t care about fruit or anything sweet
that isn’t chocolate lava cake served
on a white tablecloth at a restaurant
you get to go to because someone else
is in town. one time in LA a wealthy man
bought me a deconstructed cobb salad &
told me I should never take a job for money
I think he has a pied-à-terre
I would love to be in a good mood in america
road trip poem #12
sara says her art friends in philly
aren’t happy and they aren’t even close
I wonder if I should get a dishwasher
yesterday we drove through south dakota,
minnesota, wisconsin, we pulled over
right where james wright
saw those lonely horses
& I tell you I’d been thinking about his
hammock poem where he says
he wasted his life because we saw the sun
reflecting off that buffalo dung in yellowstone
which was overrated then amazing
how deep does the ground go by the way?
that night we had sex under the stars
and I peed in the wrong place after
do you think they will know it was me?
I do my best work
when I’m hungover and mortified
no one ever got any good ideas
from feeling perfect
road trip poem #17
I’m jealous of everyone
and wouldn’t change a thing
every time we have sex I tell you
it’s one for the record books
and you say something can’t be special
if everything is. boys love drumming on stuff
boys love taking their shirt off with one hand
oh my god experience
whatever pleasure you can in this life
for example I’m at mcdonald’s right now
road trip poem #20
I think a company that mailed me free
sunglasses just unfollowed me on instagram
we agree that watching the sun set
is better than watching it rise
after it’s up you have to just like
…do a whole day
I’ve gone full-tilt suburban mom
leaving my coffee on top of the car
as we speed off
unbuttoning my jeans as we drive
wishing I was somewhere else for a second
and then changing my mind
A Note About the Author
Catherine Cohen, a native of Houston, Texas, is a comedy sensation who has a residency at Joe’s Pub and hosts a weekly show at Club Cumming in NYC; she also cohosts the popular podcast about dating, boys, and sex, Seek Treatment. She has been featured in The New York Times, Vogue, and The Village Voice, and was named Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in 2019. Her many film and TV credits include a role in Michael Showalter’s The Lovebirds and Season 3 of High Maintenance on HBO. Follow her while you’re young @catccohen on Instagram.
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