And his eyes. Those are the best.
LIZA
I save those for last. After climbing that mountain, I look in his face and see someone who can take care of me every way I need him too.
ROBERT
He will.
LIZA
What?
ROBERT
You know, he lives with me here.
LIZA
He does?
ROBERT nods and points to the room. LIZA gets up and takes a look.
LIZA (CONT.)
But there’s only one bedroom. You two aren’t…a couple, are you?
ROBERT
No! I sleep in here on the floor. I have back problems.
LIZA
I was about to say, “That’s one more man lost forever”. You’d make more sense, too.
ROBERT
I’m not like that.
LIZA
You see the painting?
ROBERT
I made it.
LIZA
No one makes a man look that good and not get hard.
ROBERT
I’m not!
LIZA
Okay, okay. I just wanted to make sure. I got to tell you Robert, I’ve been busting my head open trying to figure why you don’t want me.
ROBERT
I…he’s really something, isn’t he?
LIZA
God, every time I see him I want to rip him off the wall and eat him up.
ROBERT
You do?
LIZA
My dreams have been very, very sensual lately.
ROBERT watches LIZA fantasize a little too passionately.
ROBERT
Maybe I should take it back.
LIZA
Why’s that?
ROBERT
I…I…I don’t want to rush our friendship.
LIZA
You think we’re going too fast with all this talking?
ROBERT
I’ll give you some money for shipping.
LIZA
Robert-
ROBERT
-It’s not a problem. I can even give you a box to ship it in.
LIZA
I like the painting, and I’m keeping it. End of story!
ROBERT
You like it that much?
LIZA
Yeah, I like it that much.
LIZA quickly grabs ROBERT and gives HIM a kiss on the lips. ROBERT jumps back in shock.
LIZA (CONT.)
And there’s my thank you.
ROBERT
You… kissed me.
LIZA
Is it a problem?
ROBERT
No…no.
LIZA
If you liked it, I’ll give you another. But you have to ask for it first.
LIZA moves in close to ROBERT, who doesn’t back away.
LIZA (CONT.)
You want one more or not?
ROBERT
(Whispered)Yes.
LIZA
What was that?
ROBERT
Yes.
LIZA
That’s all you had to say.
LIZA pulls ROBERT in for another kiss. HE stands there trying to figure out what to do. LIZA’s hands slowly move down from ROBERT’s head to his belt. As soon as HER hands fumble around with the belt, ROBERT pulls back and freaks out.
ROBERT
No, don’t do that! Keep away!
LIZA
What’d I do?
ROBERT
Don’t touch me there!
LIZA
I’m sorry.
ROBERT
Leave me alone!
LIZA
I didn’t mean anything by-
ROBERT
Leave me alone!
ROBERT moves as far away from her as possible.
ROBERT (CONT.)
Don’t touch me!
LIZA
Well, to hell with you! You call me when you get enough balls to use them.
LIZA slams the door behind HER. ROBERT lies on the ground.
Beat.
ROBERT
What am I? What am I?
END ACT I, SCENE V
ACT I, SCENE VI
JAKE has been awakened after a night of heavy drinking, so HE’s not exactly sure what’s going on. HE goes to the refrigerator and pulls out women’s panties. HE stares at them, remembering how they got there. HE looks back to the bedroom, and then empties the pockets. HE finds some money
SFX: knocking at front door.
JAKE
What the hell?
LIZA (OS)
Robert, open up. I want to talk to you.
SFX: knocking at front door.
JAKE stuffs the money in HIS pants.
LIZA (OS)
I feel bad about the other day. Aren’t you going to open the door?
JAKE opens the door and LIZA pushes her way through before HE knows what’s happening.
LIZA
I don’t know what problems you’ve got, but I didn’t mean to make them worse when I…who are you?
JAKE
Who are you?
LIZA
Is Robert here?
JAKE
No, he’s not. Who are you?
LIZA
I’m Liza. I need to know where he is.
JAKE
I’m Jake. The girl in the other room is my woman, and you better stop yelling before you wake her up.
LIZA looks into the bedroom.
LIZA
I can smell the liquor from over here. There’s no waking her up. I can smell it off you too.
JAKE
Whoopee. Now get out.
Beat.
LIZA
Don’t I know you?
JAKE
Probably. Get out.
LIZA
You look familiar.
JAKE
I’m a good looking guy. Hard to forget. Get out!
LIZA
That’s where I’ve seen you. On the painting.
JAKE
A painting?
LIZA
Yeah, you’re the naked man lying on the bed…Robert’s painting. You’re the painting.
JAKE
….oh, right. Yep. That’s me. How’d you see it? I thought some high-society jerks were bidding on it?
LIZA
No, he gave it to me.
JAKE
He gave it away?!
LIZA
Yeah, to me.
JAKE
Man, I thought he was going to get some money off of that thing and make me famous. You’re the hooker, right?
JAKE searches the refrigerator for a beer.
LIZA
You’re calling me a hooker?
JAKE
Yeah.
LIZA
…so what of it?
JAKE
Nothing. You look pretty good. I bet you’re high dollar.
LIZA
Where’d Robert go?
JAKE
Out.
LIZA
Where to, stupid?
JAKE
He didn’t tell me.
JAKE closes the refrigerator.
LIZA
I shouldn’t have made fun of him.
JAKE gives up on making LIZA leave. HE closes the front door. Fortunately, HE finds his beer in a pile of clothes.
JAKE
Why did you do that?
JAKE smells a cup and then pours the beer in it. Then he pours some coffee from a pot in it as well and sips the cup.
LIZA
Because…because he freaked out when I touched him.
JAKE
You touched him?
LIZA
Yes, I tried to get a handful, but he ran into a corner and cried like a baby.
JAKE
You what?!? You tried to grab his...
JAKE starts laughing.
LIZA
Shut up or I�
��ll slap that smile right off your face.
JAKE
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Why did you do it?
LIZA
All he wanted to do was talk. I’ve had shy customers before, but he was being pathetic. So, I kissed him on the lips and started to work my way down-
JAKE
-you kissed him?
LIZA
Yeah.
JAKE
On the lips?
LIZA
He begged for it the second time!
JAKE
Man, he must really like you.
LIZA
I don’t want him to like me. I want him to be a man and get his money’s worth.
JAKE
Well, I guess I can understand that. Making Robert act like a man is like pushing a boulder uphill.
LIZA
I wish I knew what his problem was.
JAKE
So do I.
LIZA
Then why don’t you ask him?
JAKE
Can’t. It’s against the guy code.
LIZA
Hah! Yeah, I’ve heard of that before. I’ll let you in on a little secret; no guy follows the guy code.
JAKE
We try.
LIZA
You all fail.
JAKE
Not all the time.
LIZA
Enough to keep me in business.
JAKE
Good point.
JAKE sizes LIZA up.
JAKE (CONT.)
You’re good looking, and cute. How much do you charge?
LIZA
Four hundred. Could you handle that?
LIZA picks up and tosses JAKE’s work shirt at HIM. HE catches it.
JAKE
Hey, I could if I wanted to. Are you worth it?
LIZA
You whip it out, and I’ll hurt you so bad you’ll be screaming for your momma.
JAKE
Takes a lot to get me screaming.
LIZA
I’m more than enough.
JAKE
If I’m not satisfied, I’m getting my money back.
LIZA
When I’m through, you’ll be throwing money at me begging for more.
JAKE
I’m not the begging type.
LIZA
You will be.
JAKE
You sure about that?
LIZA
Hell yes.
JAKE looks back at the girl in HIS bedroom.
JAKE
I kind of got a good thing going right now, but I’ll be seeing you soon.
LIZA hands JAKE a pocket-sized flier.
LIZA
Call me if you feel you’re up to the challenge.
JAKE
Sure you’re ready for this?
JAKE flexes. LIZA laughs, but HE doesn’t get offended.
LIZA
I’m sure. Be ready.
LIZA lets HERSELF out. JAKE stands there for a moment and drinks, thinking on what could be.
JAKE
Four hundred. Yeah, right.
JAKE throws the shirt down and goes back into the bedroom.
END ACT I, SCENE VI
ACT I, SCENE VII
ROBERT’s apartment, next morning. JAKE walks into the room and is blinded by sunlight. HE also realizes the pain shooting up HIS back. Once HIS eyes adjust, HE feels HIS pockets and pulls out an unopened condom wrapper. HE reads it.
JAKE
Ninety-seven percent effective, huh? Hmm.
JAKE throws the condom away.
JAKE (CONT.)
Oh well. Next time.
ROBERT opens the door and slowly enters the room. HE has been out all night and can finally allow HIMSELF some time to rest.
JAKE
Robert? You’re lucky. I was about to go to work in a few. Where’d you go last night?
ROBERT
Out.
JAKE
I know, but where to?
ROBERT
Out. I wanted to walk.
JAKE
You walked all night?
ROBERT
Yes.
JAKE
Okay. Uh…someone was looking for you.
JAKE finds HIS work slacks.
ROBERT
Who?
JAKE
Oh, you know her.
JAKE takes off the pants and puts on the slacks, exchanging the stuff in the pockets.
ROBERT
Who was it?
JAKE
Your talk-buddy. The one you gave our painting to.
ROBERT
Oh, her.
JAKE
Yeah, she wanted to apologize for touching you. I thought she was crazy. Banging on the door and then going on and on about how bad she felt.
ROBERT
She wanted to apologize?
JAKE puts on HIS shoes and socks, sitting right next to ROBERT. Something is wrong with JAKE’s back, but HE continues anyway.
JAKE
I know, right? I told her I didn’t know where you were and to get the hell out. She almost woke up Yien.
ROBERT
Who?
JAKE
Yien? I think that’s how you say it. One of those Asian chicks from the airport. I told you about them.
ROBERT
She felt bad for me?
JAKE
That’s what I said, but I don’t think it’s all her fault.
ROBERT
Why not?
JAKE
Let’s face it, Robert. You’re not a normal guy. You can’t even shake someone’s hand without thinking it through. When most guys get their sack grabbed by a woman, they jump for joy. Why’d you scream?
ROBERT
I didn’t scream-
JAKE stands, holding HIS back.
JAKE
--Whatever. Look, you need to talk to her. Try and explain yourself. Tell her about your immunity system problems. She’ll understand.
ROBERT
I guess I can do that.
JAKE
Good. And after the talking, do a little horizontal square dancing for me too.
JAKE dances awkwardly (due to HIS back) while thrusting his pelvis at ROBERT.
ROBERT
I..I don’t know-
JAKE
-I’m kidding. But don’t freak out when she kisses you, okay?
JAKE leaves to the bathroom, rubbing HIS back.
JAKE (OS)
Oh, and we are making more paintings together, riiiiight?
ROBERT
Yes...yes we are. That is if you still want to.
JAKE (OS)
Just don’t give more away, okay? You have to make me famous somehow.
ROBERT
So how was your night?
JAKE returns and talks while brushing HIS teeth.
JAKE
Other than your crazy hooker? It was great! Man, those Asian chicks really dig the white meat. They were drinking like there was no tomorrow. Bill drank a pint of whiskey and threw up in a beer mug, then went up to the microphone and sang. He was spitting all over the place. It was funny as hell.
JAKE spits out in a cup and tosses the toothbrush in the sink.
ROBERT
Did you sing?
JAKE
Yeah, but only country songs. I can’t sing that 80’s crap.
ROBERT
What about the girls?
JAKE
Let me paint you a picture for once. Think of a woman with the experience of a forty-year old slut with the body of a twenty year old. Pretty nice, huh?
ROBERT
Sounds like heaven.
JAKE
No, heaven was later…twice.
ROBERT
Twice? You usually go to sleep, don’t you?
JAKE
You been counting or something?
ROBERT
&nb
sp; It’s kind of hard not to when I sleep in the next room.
JAKE
Sorry about that. Hey, if you keep taking “long walks on the beach”, then you won’t have to hear it anymore.
ROBERT
I don’t mind.
JAKE
You don’t …you know, get off under the sheets when I’m doing my thing, do you?
ROBERT
What?!? I..I..I-
JAKE
-I’m just messing with you, man.
ROBERT
Right. Funny.
JAKE can’t ignore the back pain any longer.
JAKE
Yien made me lose my balance last night, and I fell against the dresser. It feels like I pulled something. Do you see any bruises?
ROBERT takes a closer look.
ROBERT
No.
JAKE
You sure? It’s right below my left shoulder blade.
JAKE moves HIS left arm around in the air.
ROBERT
I don’t see anything.
JAKE
Push on the muscle.
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