No Touching

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No Touching Page 6

by Justin Blasdel


  JAKE

  How much time do I get?

  LIZA

  For that much? As long as you can last big boy.

  LIZA goes to grab the money, but JAKE pulls back.

  JAKE

  How much for half?

  LIZA

  What? What’s the matter, afraid you’ll finish too fast?

  JAKE

  Hell no! I’m just not too sure if what I’ll get is worth this much.

  LIZA

  Jake, you can use only one of those bills to get off on some college sorority sister, or you can spend it on me and experience how a real woman makes a grown man scream.

  Beat.

  JAKE

  What if I make you scream?

  LIZA

  Hah!

  JAKE

  If I make you scream first, then what kind of discount do I get?

  LIZA laughs.

  LIZA

  Trust me, you don’t have anything I haven’t seen before. But…if you make me scream first…then we’ll talk about it after.

  JAKE

  Not too much talking. I’m no Robert.

  LIZA is reminded of HER special kiss with ROBERT.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  That a bad thing?

  LIZA

  We’ll be alone tonight, right?

  JAKE

  Yeah. Robert’s away on some art showing. He won’t be back till tomorrow.

  LIZA

  Do you…

  JAKE

  Do I what?

  LIZA

  Do you think this is a good idea? If Robert finds out about this-

  JAKE

  -What does he have to do with this?

  LIZA

  Nothing, but if he finds out, what do you think he’ll do?

  JAKE

  I don’t know. I guess he’d take it badly, though I don’t understand why you should care.

  LIZA

  Hey, I care.

  JAKE

  You know, I can spend this money on a whole lot of other things than you. You want to leave?

  LIZA

  I didn’t say that!

  JAKE

  Then what’s your problem?

  LIZA

  …nothing.

  LIZA grabs the money.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  Let’s go.

  LIZA waits at the bedroom door.

  Beat.

  JAKE

  Wait.

  LIZA stops.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  If…I can’t believe I’m doing this. If you think this is a bad idea, then I won’t do it. I just wanted to see what was the big deal about you. Robert thinks you’re so damn special, and I admit there’s something about you I like, but I don’t want to screw him up even more by screwing you.

  JAKE holds out HIS hand.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  So…give me my money back.

  LIZA looks at JAKE and HE waits for the money. LIZA holds JAKE’s hand.

  LIZA

  Come on.

  JAKE

  You sure?

  LIZA

  We have to see who screams first, right? My reputation and your manhood are on the line.

  JAKE

  Cool. Good. I’ll be right there. Go ahead and make yourself comfortable.

  LIZA

  …okay?

  LIZA goes into the bedroom. JAKE kicks off HIS shoes, unbuttons the shirt, takes off the belt, and starts to stretch. LIZA comes back in wearing a little less clothing than before.

  LIZA

  What the hell are you doing?

  JAKE

  You should warm up too. You’re going to regret the day you challenged me.

  LIZA laughs.

  LIZA

  Get in here, stupid.

  JAKE

  Just don’t blame me when you pull something...

  JAKE and LIZA go into the bedroom.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  …or when I pull it for you.

  JAKE closes the bedroom door.

  END ACT I, SCENE IX

  ACT BREAK

  ACT II, SCENE I

  ROBERT’s apartment. JAKE and LIZA’s voices can be heard offstage indiscernibly at first, but THEY eventually walk up right to the door.

  JAKE (OS)

  Come on, give me the discount. You did scream first.

  LIZA (OS)

  I moaned first. I didn’t scream.

  JAKE (OS)

  Moaning, screaming, what’s the difference?

  LIZA (OS)

  Could you shut up? What if he hears you?

  JAKE and LIZA open the door and enter.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  Rorbert? (To JAKE) Is Robert here?

  JAKE

  I don’t know. Is he?

  LIZA

  I don’t live here.

  JAKE

  Let me check.

  JAKE yells.

  JAKE

  Robert, you in here?

  Beat.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  Guess not. He should have been back by now. It’s the afternoon, right?

  LIZA

  Damn. That’s why I came over here. I wanted to talk to him some more.

  JAKE

  Talk. I thought you were a business woman.

  LIZA

  He pays me for it.

  JAKE

  What do you say to him?

  LIZA

  Whatever he wants.

  JAKE

  Okay, then what does he want?

  LIZA

  Why do you care? I thought you said you didn’t want any talking.

  JAKE

  Call me crazy, but I don’t like the idea of a hooker stealing my buddy’s money.

  LIZA

  He gets what he pays for!

  JAKE

  What, your life story?

  LIZA

  If that’s all he wants, then that’s his business.

  JAKE

  Two hundred dollars for talking? No wonder you’re charging me double.

  LIZA

  I will beat you to death. Don’t think I can’t do it!

  JAKE

  How much does that cost?

  LIZA

  Free of charge.

  JAKE

  Thank you.

  Beat.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  Does Robert ever talk back?

  LIZA

  Yes.

  JAKE

  What does he say?

  LIZA

  Not much.

  JAKE

  I guess you do all the talking, huh?

  LIZA

  I give him what he wants.

  JAKE

  Like the time you grabbed him? Did he ask for that?

  LIZA

  No. I did that.

  JAKE

  Messed him up pretty good.

  LIZA

  I said I was sorry.

  JAKE

  You sure saying “sorry” is enough?

  LIZA

  We’re over it.

  JAKE

  That’s good. Robert’s a pretty smart guy, but he’s sensitive. I try to help him, but there’s only so much I can do. Now, if you’re helping him get over his woman-problems, that’s good too. But if you’re just stealing his money, then you need to stop coming over.

  LIZA

  You’re going to keep me away?

  JAKE

  If I have to.

  LIZA

  And what if I tell Robert about last night?

  JAKE

  That’ll…suck…real bad. But if he doesn’t kick me out for it, I’m still not letting you come back.

  LIZA

  You can’t stop me.

  JAKE

  You’re tough, but you’re not tougher than me.

  LIZA

  You even think about touching me, and I’ll call my manager. He’s a seven foot tall asskicker, and he’ll happily tear you a new one if I ask him.

  JAKE<
br />
  Oh yeah?

  LIZA

  Yeah.

  JAKE

  I guess you can tell him where I live.

  LIZA

  I mean it.

  JAKE

  I know.

  Beat.

  LIZA

  You’d do that for Robert?

  JAKE

  If I have to. I’d hate to kick you out of my… well, his life, but I’ll do what I have to do.

  LIZA

  You said your life.

  JAKE

  No I didn’t.

  LIZA

  Yes you did. Don’t call me a liar. I heard it.

  JAKE

  You did?

  LIZA

  Yes.

  JAKE

  Hmm. Then I guess I said that.

  ROBERT enters with a plastic bag with a few painting supplies. JAKE and LIZA spontaneously move away from each other.

  JAKE

  What’s up, Robert?

  ROBERT puts the bag down by the easel.

  ROBERT

  Hey, Jake. Liza, I thought we we’re going to meet tomorrow.

  LIZA

  Yeah, well I have business to take care of, and I need us to do our thing tonight. That okay?

  ROBERT

  Sure. I’m fine with that.

  ROBERT and LIZA both look at JAKE.

  JAKE

  I can leave if you need me to.

  ROBERT

  No, you don’t have to.

  JAKE

  You sure?

  LIZA

  Really?

  Beat.

  ROBERT

  (To JAKE) Maybe you can give us a topic to start on.

  JAKE

  Okay. Liza.

  LIZA

  What?

  JAKE

  What…bars…do you hang out at?

  JAKE opens up the refrigerator and gets a small carton of milk out.

  LIZA

  I’d have to say Cloud Ninety-Nine. Not that all my clients take me there, but I hang out there to get new customers.

  JAKE gets a box of cereal, a bowl, and pours the cereal in it.

  ROBERT

  How do you do that?

  LIZA

  I—

  JAKE

  --I already know this one. She picks out the richest, nerdiest fellow in the bar, acts like he’s the center of her universe, they go back to his place, and then she asks for the money while the guy has his pants around his legs. Am I right?

  LIZA

  Yeah.

  JAKE

  I knew it!

  JAKE pours the milk into the bowl and then puts it back into the fridge.

  ROBERT

  Really?

  LIZA

  It works like almost every time.

  JAKE gets a spoon and starts eating.

  JAKE

  I tell you, I’d be suspicious of any woman hitting on me if I was ugly.

  LIZA

  Who says you aren’t?

  JAKE

  Woman, please.

  ROBERT

  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You can’t be good-looking to every woman in the world.

  JAKE

  You too? You’re doubling up on me?

  ROBERT

  Liza?

  LIZA

  Hmm?

  ROBERT

  How attractive is Jake to you?

  JAKE

  Don’t ask her that. She said I was ugly.

  LIZA

  I don’t know. Let me see.

  LIZA walks around JAKE and examines HIS body. JAKE continues to eat cereal while flexing for HER.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  I’d say…

  JAKE

  On a ten-to-one scale.

  LIZA

  In that case, I’d say an eight.

  JAKE

  An eight?!

  LIZA

  You could be a nine.

  JAKE

  What’s holding me back?

  ROBERT

  Your wardrobe?

  JAKE and LIZA look at ROBERT.

  JAKE

  No, you just didn’t.

  ROBERT

  I think I just did.

  LIZA

  Yeah, what are you going to do about it?

  JAKE puts down the bowl.

  JAKE

  This.

  JAKE takes the spoon, licks the milk off, and holds it like a knife.

  ROBERT

  What are you doing?

  JAKE

  Payback!

  JAKE corners ROBERT with the threat of touching ROBERT with the licked-on spoon. ROBERT is not actually afraid this time, but more entertained.

  ROBERT

  Jake, don’t do it!

  JAKE

  Sorry. Going to have to.

  ROBERT

  Liza!

  LIZA runs over and digs her nails into JAKE’s butt. JAKE jumps.

  JAKE

  Jesus, woman!

  LIZA

  Look at that. I didn’t even break a nail.

  JAKE quickly grabs LIZA and puts HER over HIS shoulder.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  What the hell are you doing?!

  JAKE

  Taking out his defenses. Come here, Robert!

  JAKE runs after ROBERT with the spoon, who easily can escape the man carefully holding a woman over a shoulder.

  LIZA

  Save me, Robert!

  ROBERT

  I think it would be better for me to save myself first!

  ROBERT opens the refrigerator and grabs a ketchup bottle. HE opens it and prepares to fire.

  ROBERT

  Surrender!

  JAKE stops.

  JAKE

  You wouldn’t dare.

  ROBERT takes aim.

  ROBERT

  Surrender.

  LIZA

  Jake, do it! I don’t want stains on this dress.

  JAKE

  Alright, alright.

  JAKE puts down the spoon, and then LIZA. SHE moves out of the line of fire.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  I give up.

  ROBERT

  Admit that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

  JAKE

  What?

  ROBERT

  Admit it!

  JAKE

  Okay! I admit it.

  ROBERT

  Okay.

  ROBERT puts the bottle back into the refrigerator. THEY all laugh and take a breath.

  JAKE

  Liza, can you take your nails out please?

  LIZA

  I already let go.

  JAKE

  I know, but I still feel them.

  Beat.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  I’ll let you two have your time together.

  ROBERT

  You sure?

  JAKE

  I can’t handle your guys’ version of talking.

  JAKE goes to the door.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  Later.

  JAKE exits.

  ROBERT

  How hard did you grab him?

  LIZA

  Hard enough. He really is made of muscle.

  ROBERT

  I guess.

  LIZA

  I’ll remember that for next time.

  LIZA immediately senses that SHE said the wrong thing. ROBERT is a little put off by that remark, but HE lets it slide.

  END ACT II, SCENE I

  ACT II, SCENE II

  There is no one in ROBERT’s apartment, and it is completely dark.

  SFX: the door handle is turned

  JAKE (OS)

  Locked.

  SFX: keys being turned.

  JAKE opens the door.

  JAKE (OS)

  There we go.

  JAKE enters and turns on the light switch, but nothing happens. HE walks in and trips over a chair.

  JAKE

  Son of a…

  LIZA (OS)


  What happened?

  LIZA enters.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  Why didn’t you turn on the light?

  JAKE gets up.

  JAKE

  It’s a dimmer. It is on.

  LIZA turns the lights on by adjusting the dimmer.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  See. I was right.

  LIZA

  Yeah, you’re such an Einstein.

  JAKE

  Who?

  LIZA

  Never mind. Go get my money.

  JAKE

  I’m going.

  JAKE goes into the bedroom. LIZA looks through ROBERT’s picture book until JAKE returns with some money in hand.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  There you are. Double the bail like I promised.

  LIZA puts the book down and counts the money.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  You don’t trust me?

  LIZA

  Trust the man I just bailed out of jail?

 

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