JAKE
I didn’t rob a bank or anything. I punched a guy who swung at me first.
LIZA
Was he drunk too?
JAKE
Well, he didn’t land the hit. And who says I’m drunk?
LIZA
It’s all here. You going to be okay?
JAKE
My buzz is long gone. After sitting next to a three-hundred pound guy with the tattoo “I (heart) Jeffrey”, I sobered up in a hurry.
LIZA
Okay.
JAKE
Hey, thanks for helping me. I would have called on one of my buddies, but they were sharing the jail cell next to mine. You know how it is; one guy gets in a fight, so does everyone else.
LIZA
Money’s money.
JAKE
But you didn’t know if I had it or not.
LIZA
If you stiffed me, I knew Robert would cover you.
JAKE
Probably.
LIZA
Why didn’t you call him?
JAKE
He’s on some art show. Never answers his phone when he’s on a trip.
LIZA
Alright. Goodbye.
LIZA starts to walk to the door, but JAKE moves in HER way.
JAKE
Woah. I feel a little guilty about ruining your Saturday night. Let me make it up to you.
LIZA
Jake, Saturday is a big working night for us escorts, if you didn’t get that already.
JAKE
You lose a client because of me?
LIZA
One.
JAKE
Then I owe you.
LIZA
How about you stop arguing if I moaned or screamed last week?
JAKE
You screamed, and no. I’m going to win that argument sooner or later.
LIZA
Whatever. How are you going to pay me back then?
JAKE
I…don’t know. Need me to move furniture around or something?
JAKE tries to think of something. LIZA gets tired of it and walks over to the refrigerator. SHE opens it and takes out a beer.
LIZA
This yours?
JAKE
Woah! And yes, those are mine, but I don’t think you want it.
LIZA
Why not?
JAKE
The only women allowed to drink my beers earn the right in that bedroom back there.
LIZA
I think I earned it already. Besides, bailing you out of jail isn’t enough?
JAKE
I guess it’s worth one.
LIZA opens the beer and drinks half the bottle.
JAKE
Damn woman!
LIZA
I have to go back to work.
JAKE
You going to down the rest?
LIZA holds HER chest and feels the indigestion.
LIZA
How cheap is this?
JAKE
Hey, that’s the best tasting beer under five dollars I’ve ever found.
LIZA
How many do you get for five?
JAKE
Enough.
LIZA takes another sip.
LIZA
Thanks.
LIZA walks to the door.
JAKE
You’d better finish that here. Don’t want to get pinched for public intoxication.
LIZA
It’s one beer.
JAKE
That’s all I had.
LIZA
Really?
JAKE
In that last half-hour before the cops came.
LIZA laughs.
JAKE (CONT.)
If you stay, you’ll get to hang out with me more.
LIZA
I think I’ve had enough.
JAKE
You’ve seen the ‘party guy’ me. I can be other people.
LIZA
Like what?
JAKE
‘Romantic guy’.
LIZA
You can be romantic?
JAKE
Sure!
LIZA
Prove it.
JAKE
Okay. Sit back and let me ‘wine and dine’ you.
JAKE messes with the lights.
JAKE (CONT.)
How the hell does this work?
The lights dim.
JAKE (CONT.)
There we go. Here, give me that.
JAKE takes HER beer, gets one for HIMSELF, and goes to the kitchen-area. HE gets two plastic wine glasses and pours the beers into them. HE hands a glass to LIZA.
JAKE (CONT.)
Here you are.
LIZA
This isn’t wine, and I don’t see the dine.
JAKE
Hmm.
JAKE looks in the refrigerator.
JAKE (CONT.)
Other than stuff with soy, the only thing I got is bread aaaaaaaand—
LIZA
--butter?
JAKE
Yeah. Want some?
LIZA
…sure.
JAKE prepares the bread and butter and LIZA downs the rest of her beer.
LIZA
Is this part of the genuine ‘Jake Experience’ the other girls get?
JAKE
You know it. Feeling all tingly yet?
LIZA
My tongue is.
HE brings the bread to HER, and notices SHE drank HER beer.
JAKE
How you going to wash it down?
LIZA exchanges glasses.
JAKE
Two beers? No woman’s ever dared to cash out on that tab.
LIZA
Well…here’s to me being the first.
LIZA touches HER filled glass against JAKE’s empty one. THEY drink.
JAKE
I’m serious about the two beers thing.
LIZA
I know.
JAKE
You do? Then you know what you’re in for, right?
LIZA
You going to yell and hold up your arms like you scored a touchdown this time?
JAKE
Hey, I did that, because I won the bet.
LIZA
You didn’t win the bet.
JAKE
That’s undecided for now.
LIZA puts down the glass.
LIZA
What about Robert?
JAKE
I told you he’s gone for the night. He went…I wasn’t really paying attention, but he’ll be gone till tomorrow.
LIZA
It’s just…I don’t want him to see us together.
JAKE
I know. I’ll wake you up in the morning. I’ll wake you up the good way if you earn it.
LIZA
You won’t be able to after I suck you dry tonight.
JAKE
Then let’s get to it.
LIZA puts her sash around JAKE’s neck and pulls HIM into the bedroom.
END ACT II, SCENE II
ACT II, SCENE III
ROBERT, dressed in a suit, comes back tired and relieved to be in HIS home again. HE gets some sanitizer out of the bottle and relaxes.
JAKE walks in from the bedroom wearing boxers and a t-shirt. ROBERT’s entry has wakened JAKE from a deep sleep.
JAKE
You look nice. Where’s the party, Mr. Tux?
ROBERT
I had to present my paintings to a large crowd of fans last night in San Francisco. Thank god it’s over. I didn’t get to sleep at all. “What does this mean to you?” “How long did it take to finish?” “Does the person in this painting actually exist?” By the time it was over, the other artists decided to take me out to breakfast as a ‘thank you’ for bringing my fame to their art show. I never knew artists could be so boring.
JAKE
Sounds tough, but pretty soon you
’ll have to answer that last question about the people you paint, because soon enough it’ll be me on the wall.
ROBERT
I know. We’ll get started tomorrow. Were you sleeping?
JAKE
I was sleeping.
ROBERT
Till 3pm?
JAKE
A drunk sleep.
ROBERT
Oh. Did you go out?
JAKE
A drunk sex sleep.
ROBERT
Was she nice?
JAKE
Actually…
JAKE realizes ROBERT’s sudden interest on the matter.
JAKE (CONT.)
…not even close. I’ve had better. You meet anyone last night?
ROBERT
No. I don’t think I would anyway. However, I think I want to see Liza more.
JAKE
Why?
JAKE pours an opened beer into a glass, finds an asprin in the drawer, and puts it in.
ROBERT
I think something is developing between us.
JAKE
Cool. Cool. I think you’re in over your head though.
ROBERT
What do you mean?
JAKE
Do you really want the first woman you have feelings for to be a hooker?
ROBERT
An escort.
JAKE
Tomato, Tomahto. She’s too experienced for you.
ROBERT
I don’t mind.
JAKE
You will if you ever get in the sack with her. A woman like that doesn’t feel anything unless it’s rough, and I’m afraid you’ll get hurt.
ROBERT
You think that’s true?
JAKE
Well…I don’t really know. Don’t worry about it. She’ll get bored with you soon, since you two aren’t doing it.
ROBERT
I don’t know if that’s completely true.
Beat.
JAKE
You slept with her?
ROBERT
No.
JAKE
Good.
JAKE refills the glass.
ROBERT
We kissed.
JAKE
I already know about that.
ROBERT
No, I kissed her.
JAKE sets the glass down.
JAKE
You did?
ROBERT
Yes. I wanted it so much, and I finally gave in.
JAKE
How long ago was this?
ROBERT
A while ago.
JAKE
…Way to go, man! Right on.
ROBERT
It felt so good too. It was like a weight was lifted off me, and I could finally experience what everyone had been talking about.
JAKE
Get you hot?
ROBERT
Yeah, I was a little warm, but I felt okay.
JAKE
No…I mean did she turn you on.
ROBERT
I didn’t think of it that way. It was special.
JAKE
You take things way too seriously.
ROBERT
I’m going to see if she’ll go to a restaurant with me tomorrow night.
JAKE
You mean…out in public?
ROBERT
Yes.
JAKE
That’s a date, Robert. You know that’s a date, right? Even if you have to pay for her to go.
ROBERT
I’m okay with that. When I’m with her, I feel comfortable with myself. I haven’t felt that way since…well, in a very long time. I like feeling this way. I like being with her.
JAKE paces around the room.
ROBERT (CONT.)
What’s the matter?
JAKE
You shouldn’t hang out with Liza anymore.
ROBERT
I plan to.
JAKE
But she’s a hooker!
ROBERT
Yes, I called her number on the flier, just like you told me to.
JAKE
Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d fall for her. I should have known that was a stupid idea.
ROBERT
I like her.
JAKE
No you don’t.
ROBERT
Yes, I do.
JAKE
No, you don’t! You think you do, because she pays you attention. Any woman would do that for the right price.
ROBERT
She hasn’t charged me the last two times she was here.
JAKE
What?
ROBERT shakes his head.
JAKE (CONT.)
But you started out paying her. She probably feels guilty for stealing your money.
ROBERT
…possibly.
JAKE rubs ROBERT’s back, who doesn’t jump away this time.
JAKE
Hey, heyyyyy. Don’t feel bad. This is my fault, and I’ll make it better. You come with me to a barhopping, and I’ll show you all the tricks of the trade I know.
ROBERT
I don’t think I can do that.
JAKE
I promise not to take home a woman unless you do. That way, you’re not left out in the cold.
ROBERT
But—
JAKE
--In fact, we won’t even pick up women tonight. Think of it. You and me in a bar having a good old time. Hell, I’ll even dance with you if I get drunk enough. What do you say?
Beat.
ROBERT
Okay.
JAKE
You sure?
ROBERT
Yes. I’d love to spend tonight with you.
JAKE
Awesome. Let me get dressed and we’ll head out right now.
ROBERT
I’ll change too.
JAKE
Why? This is the best dressed I’ve ever seen you. You’re looking good.
JAKE goes into the bedroom. ROBERT tries to calm down, but the excitement of going to bars with JAKE and no women is too much. JAKE enters with a nice shirt on and pants in HIS hand.
JAKE (CONT.)
Man, we’re going to tear this city up!
JAKE feels something in his pants and pulls it out. It’s LIZA’s sash that SHE always wears. JAKE smiles as HE remembers how it got there. ROBERT sees it, and JAKE covertly tries to put it in a pocket.
ROBERT
That’s Liza’s.
JAKE
Nah, you’re dreaming.
ROBERT
That’s Liza’s.
JAKE
Whatever, let’s go.
JAKE walks past ROBERT, but ROBERT pulls the sash out of JAKE’s pocket.
JAKE
What the hell-
ROBERT
-This is Liza’s! How do you have it?
JAKE
She…must have left it here from last time.
ROBERT
That excuse would have worked if I didn’t just pull this out of your pants, Jake.
JAKE
This place is messy. I don’t know how it got there.
ROBERT looks back in the bedroom.
ROBERT
She was here last night, wasn’t she?
JAKE
Robert—
ROBERT
--Stop lying!
JAKE
Alright, fine! Yeah, she was here earlier, and we screwed until the bed fell apart. There, you happy?
ROBERT drops the sash.
ROBERT
Why?
JAKE
She’s a hooker.
ROBERT
Why her?
JAKE
It was the right asking price.
ROBERT
Why her? Why here, and why her, and why you?
JAKE
Because…I’m into her. She’s hot, she’s sassy, and knows how to piss
me off in all the right ways.
ROBERT
But why her? You know I wanted her.
JAKE
No one owns a woman like that. They sell sex by the pound, wash up, and then go back on the street for more.
ROBERT
Shut up.
JAKE
It’s not like she wasn’t screwing with five other guys a day. Why is it a problem that I had my ride too?
ROBERT
Shut up!
JAKE
You need to start realizing how the world works.
ROBERT grabs JAKE’s shoulders.
ROBERT
I said shut up.
JAKE
What are you going to do about it?
ROBERT
I’ll…
JAKE
…what, Robert? You’ll do what? I want to know exactly what you’re going-
ROBERT pulls JAKE in and kisses him. JAKE takes a moment before HE pulls away.
Beat.
JAKE rubs HIS lips, looks at ROBERT,
JAKE
You kissed me.
ROBERT
I know.
JAKE
Why?
No Touching Page 7