Custom Love

by Chantal Fernando

  I laugh out loud, remembering the time he came along with me to follow Taylor. Good to know. Just thought I’d check. Goodnight.

  Goodnight, babe.

  Babe. I sigh, smiling in contentment.

  Goes to show you never know where life is going to take you.

  * * *

  The weekend arrives quickly, and Trade asks me if I want to do something fun with him and the kids. He plans to take them on a two-night camping trip, and I agree to come along. Now, I’ve never been much of a camper. In fact, the last time I went was with my parents when I was a child, so it must have been about twenty-five years ago.

  I tell him this, and he just grins and says that it’s going to be an adventure.

  I love that. An adventure.

  Just what the doctor ordered.

  I pack a bag and go to his house, where I find Alia standing out the front with her hands on her hips. When she sees me, she lets her unhappiness be known.

  “Nadia, Dad said I can only take one backpack. One. For two nights! How am I supposed to fit everything in? And he also said it’s a no device trip. I don’t want to be in the car with everyone if we can’t go on our devices. AJ is going to be so annoying! Can you talk to Dad? He might listen to you.”

  Oh, here we go. Already testing the boundaries.

  “I’m afraid that the rules your dad made are what we’re all going to have to stick by,” I say. “I can play whatever music you like, though, so that might make it a little better. Or maybe you could bring that book I saw you reading the other day? It might be nice to step away from electronics. I know I’m guilty of always being on my phone.”

  She doesn’t look too thrilled. “You guys just don’t understand.” She sighs dramatically, and suddenly I feel really, really old. “Mom would have understood.”

  Ouch. “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to talk to your dad about it. I can’t go against whatever rules he has set for you,” I say.

  She storms off, and I wonder for the first time if this trip is a good idea.

  I run into AJ next, who is sitting on the floor putting his shoes on. “Did you hear we’re going fishing? I can’t wait. I’m going to catch the biggest fish out of everyone!”

  “I know, it’s pretty exciting!”

  “Hey, babe,” Trade says when he sees me, giving me a quick kiss, his arms full of fishing rods. “You all packed and ready to go?”

  “I am. Do you need me to help with anything?” I ask.

  “If you could help Mila get sorted, that would be great. She’s in her room,” he says.

  “Alia is...unhappy.”

  He sighs. “I know, but too bad. She’s going to have to get over it.” He kisses me again and then heads outside to put the fishing rods on the roof rack of the car.

  I open Mila’s door and see her sitting on the carpet playing with a doll. “Can I help you finish packing?” I ask.

  She turns and nods, eyes lighting up. “Yes. My bathing suit. I dunno where it is.”

  “Okay, let’s have a look.” I double-check her bag and repack it for her, adding things I think she will need along the way. I find her bathing suit in a drawer and add it in, too. “I think that’s everything. Are you excited to go camping?”

  “Yes! Can I take a teddy? I cuddle one at nighttime.”

  “I don’t see why not,” I reply, and watch as she goes around her room trying to decide which is the lucky one that gets to go camping with her. “What about that one? That’s pretty cute.”

  “The unicorn?”

  I nod. “Yeah, she’s all glittery and pretty.”

  “She is. Okay, I’ll bring her.”

  We shuffle out of her room and back outside where Trade is still loading the roof racks on the car. Apparently you need to take a lot of shit with you when you go camping.

  “You ready for this?” he calls out to me, smiling.

  “I hope so.”

  We all hop into his eight-seater Kia and get ready for the three-hour drive to the campground. Trade chose a beach town that neither of us have been to, to explore and make new memories there.

  This is a big deal for us. It’s the most time I’ll have ever spent with the kids, and our first time going away together.

  It’s a weird feeling, being with a family but not exactly a part of it, almost like an outsider looking in. Will I ever feel like I’m part of their family? Or will I always just feel like a friend tagging along?

  This is an already-formed and-bonded family, and although Mila proves that blood might not be the only way to be tied to them, I think it will take a really long time before I feel as though it’s my own. But I’m okay with that. I think it’s how it should be.

  Trade reaches over and takes my hand in his, giving it a squeeze, almost as if he can hear my thoughts or feel my concern. And looking over at him, I’m reminded why I’m sitting here right now.

  It’s all because of this man.

  I take a deep breath. I don’t need to overthink it; I just need to enjoy the company.

  And that’s what I’m going to do.

  “All right, let’s do this. I brought car snacks.”

  The kids cheer when they see what my choices are, and Trade arches his eyebrow in amusement, probably because it looks like a little kid picked out the selection—chocolate, candy and chips of different varieties.

  “There’s only one way to road trip,” I tell him with a shrug, and hand the kids a bag of candy to share.

  Trade laughs as he turns on the engine.

  And then off we go—on our first family adventure.

  Chapter Twenty

  The kids are all pretty good on the ride. Without any technology, they are present and chatty, observing their surroundings on the way. We spot different animals and birds, eat snacks and play games like I Spy with My Little Eye. Alia is quiet and grumpy at the start, but then starts to change her attitude and join in with the rest of us.

  I actually really enjoy myself, even if I’m not given a quiet moment to think. I’ve come to realize that’s basically what parenting entails. Kids are full on and love to talk, and you have to be patient and learn to embrace the chaos.

  “Do you want me to drive?” I ask Trade when we get halfway and stop for some lunch.

  “No, it’s okay, you can relax and enjoy the ride,” he replies, wrapping his arm around me.

  “You think I’m a bad driver, don’t you?”

  He laughs. “You’re not a bad driver—you are a very capable driver. I’m just better.”

  I roll my eyes and playfully push him off me. I turn back to the kids and notice them all watching us interacting. Clearing my throat, I pick up my burger and take a bite. We’re all sitting outside on a bench, and it’s such a beautiful day. “I can’t wait to go swimming.”

  “Me too,” AJ pipes up, licking sauce from his fingers. “I’m so excited.”

  “When’s the last time you all went camping?” I ask.

  “When Mom was here,” India replies casually. “We went for a whole week that time, and it was so much fun.”

  “A whole week? That would have been an awesome vacation,” I say.

  “It was,” India says, smiling at the memories. “Dad got stung by a jellyfish and Mom had to pee on him.”

  I choke on my sip of water I just took, and start laughing. “Oh my God. Trade, is it true? Does it actually help or not?”

  Trade groans. “Thanks for bringing that up, India.”

  “You’re welcome.” India beams, laughing. “And that’s why whenever we go to the beach now, Dad always brings some vinegar with him, just in case someone else gets stung.”

  “Vinegar is definitely a better option,” I admit, unable to hide my smile. “What else did you do on that camping trip?”

  The kids tell me all about it, and all about Ariel, a
nd I listen and let them know that we can talk about her, that this is a safe space. They can say whatever they want. She raised them, and it’s important for Mila, especially, to be able to listen and speak about her mother whenever she wants to.

  Trade watches me as we chat, and I can tell that he’s happy. His brown eyes flicker with emotion and with...hope.

  He gives me a quick kiss before we get back into the car, and it feels like a thank-you.

  I’m not saying it’s an easy thing, talking about a life I was never a part of and happier times for the kids, but it’s about them, not me. And at the end of the day, I’m not their mother. I’m a friend and, if this works out, someone who will be an extra support for them.

  I’m hopeful this is going to work out, especially since Alia has been great this whole way. Maybe we’ve turned a corner.

  When we arrive at the campgrounds, we park the car next to our site and set up the two tents next to each other. Trade and I are in one, and the kids have a two-bedroom tent in theirs. Trade warned me that Mila would probably come into our tent at night, and I said it’s fine with me. I’m happy to go along with whatever they would normally do if I wasn’t here—I don’t want their routine to change because of me. I know it’s going to be an adjustment for everyone, but I want to make it as easy on the kids as I can.

  After we are all set up, we get changed and walk down to the beach, which is practically across the road from our setup.

  “I can’t remember the last time I felt this relaxed,” I say, hand on my wide-brimmed hat to stop it from blowing away. “The sun is out, and I can smell the salt from the water and listen to the waves all day.”

  And I don’t have to think about work. It’s been so long since I’ve given myself a proper break, one where I haven’t brought work along with me.

  “I know—it’s beautiful, isn’t it? We try to get away at least twice a year. Just to have a break from the daily grind and routine, and to step away from technology. It’s nice, and we all spend quality time together,” Trade says, pulling his T-shirt off.

  I admire his shirtless body while I lay my towel on the warm sand and sit down. The kids all run to the water and dip their feet in, splashing each other and running around while Trade and I watch.

  “Thanks for inviting me to come with you,” I say, pushing my sunglasses up on the bridge of my nose. “I think this was just what I needed. I’ve been so burned-out recently. My eye even started twitching the other day. I Googled it—apparently it’s from stress and lack of sleep. I didn’t even know that was a thing.”

  “No eye twitch here,” he replies, bringing my hand to his lips and kissing my fingers.

  “Nope. This is a twitch-free zone.”

  We get organized, then all go for a swim. I hold Mila in the water, laughing as she kicks away, while the others swim into the little waves. I can tell they are all strong swimmers for their ages, and I suppose considering they spend a fair bit of time at the beach, it makes sense.

  “Did we bring any snacks?” Mila asks midkick.

  I laugh. “Yeah, you hungry?” She nods. I carry her out and place her down on the sand. “Come on. Let’s see what we have.”

  I pull out some cut-up fruit and mini sandwiches, and the others all come back to shore to eat. I couldn’t have imagined a better day.

  We all sit around the campfire later that night, roasting marshmallows for s’mores and chatting away. After spending hours at the beach, we went back to the camp to hang out and have dinner. Then we went for a walk with our flashlights, finding animals along the way. This is apparently something they do all the time, and the kids seem to know a fair bit about the local wildlife.

  I don’t think about work, about my to-do list. I just enjoy the moment. It’s been so long since I’ve had that.

  “You okay?” Trade asks, wrapping his arm around me.

  “Yes, I’m good,” I say, smiling.

  “I love it here. No other distractions, fresh air...it’s nice.”

  “It is,” I agree. “I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt so relaxed.”

  “It’s always good to step away from all the social media and phones. I love being in nature. It kind of gives you that reminder of what’s important in life. Sometimes it’s easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of it all.”

  He’s right. “I think I really needed this break.”

  Trade has been nothing but amazing. He’s always so attentive, making sure I have what I need and that I feel comfortable without being too overbearing. And I love watching him with his kids. He’s such a hands-on parent, and always has time for each and every one of them. I don’t have much experience with the whole kids thing, but any child would be lucky to have Trade as their dad. And when thinking of the future, that’s important.

  “Oh no, I burned mine,” Alia says, sighing. “I hate when they are even a little burned.”

  “Me too,” I admit.

  “I love mine burned,” AJ says with a big toothy grin. “Maybe tomorrow after we go fishing we can eat what we catch for dinner. Can we, Dad?”

  “We have to catch some first,” Trade replies, messing up AJ’s hair. “But fresh fish does sound good.”

  “We will definitely catch some,” AJ replies with confidence. “Last time I caught three, remember? So this time I need to catch even more.”

  “What else are we doing tomorrow?” Alia asks, sitting forward on her pink camping chair. “Can we collect some shells? I wish we had more time here.”

  “We can collect shells.” Trade nods. “If you all have something you’d like to do, we can fit it all in.”

  “What do you want to do, Nadia?” India asks.

  I think about it. “I wouldn’t mind going over to the rock pool and seeing what we can find there. I’d like to see a starfish or something. But only if we have some time.”

  “We have time,” AJ says. “That sounds fun—I want to do that, too.”

  When it starts to get late we retire to our tents for the night. It’s been such a long day, but a wonderful one. I took so many photos and can’t wait to go through them and show Trade what a beautiful family he has.

  We slide into our two-person sleeping bag, and Trade’s arms come around me. “I had so much fun today,” I say softly.

  “Good. I did, too. Thank you for being so amazing with the kids. You have so much time for them, and that’s something they notice,” he says, kissing my temple.

  “You don’t need to thank me. It’s what anyone would do around children.”

  “You’d be surprised,” he replies. “Not everyone has the patience for them.”

  “Tell me who doesn’t, and I’ll beat them up.”

  He laughs under his breath. “Just people in general, I mean.”

  “Oh, is Mila going to be okay walking to our tent? I know it’s only a few steps, but still.”

  “I’ll hear her if she opens the tent zipper, don’t worry. Plus, she’s not exactly quiet or shy. She might just scream my name and wait for me to come to her.”

  “Okay.” I yawn, snuggling into his warmth. “Wake me up if you need me to help with anything.”

  “Sweet dreams, babe,” he whispers.

  I instantly fall into a deep sleep.

  * * *

  I’m alone in the tent when I wake up, and I can smell bacon cooking. I check my phone and see that it’s eight o’clock; I must have slept in later than everyone else. Considering my usual insomnia, this is new for me, and I actually feel so rested for once.

  Stretching, I unzip the tent and step outside. Trade is cooking bacon and eggs on the portable stove and the kids are running around.

  “Good morning, beautiful,” he says, smiling. “Sleep well?”

  “You have no idea. I can’t remember the last time I slept in like this.”

  I take a shower in th
e campsite public bathroom and brush my teeth and get ready for the day, putting on my red bikini, denim shorts and my hat and sunglasses. I help all the kids get sorted, especially the girls, because Trade can’t come into the female changing room.

  Once we’ve all eaten, we head to the beach, AJ, Trade and India fish, while I collect shells with Mila and Alia. After AJ catches his quota of four fish, two of which had to be thrown back because they were too small, we head to the rock pools and spend some time searching the shallow waters.

  I see starfish. Another perfect day.

  That night, however, the kids are overtired. Mila has a meltdown, crying and refusing to sleep, and the other kids sit with me around the fire while Trade tries to calm her.

  “Are you guys ready for bed? We have a big drive home tomorrow.”

  “Nope,” Alia replies, shaking her head. “I want to stay up late tonight.”

  AJ yawns. “Me too.”

  India looks up at the sky. “I should have brought my telescope. Look how awesome the night sky is.”

  “You’re such a nerd,” her sister says to her.

  “Mom bought me that telescope,” India points out, scowling. “Don’t you say anything bad about it.”

  “Mom’s gone,” Alia reminds her, tone void of emotion. “And now Dad is trying to replace her with Nadia.”

  My jaw drops at that comment. “No one could ever replace your mom.” I don’t know how many times I have to tell them that, but I’m prepared to as much as I need to.

  “Yet here you are, trying,” Alia fires back, crossing her arms over her chest. “Maybe if you didn’t come along we could have stayed here longer, like we usually did with Mom. Mom didn’t have to work, so she could spend more time with us and vacation as long as she liked.”

  “Alia,” Trade says, overhearing her comment. I’m glad for that, because I’d rather him handle this than me.

  “What?”

  “That is really rude of you. Apologize to Nadia. She has done nothing but be nice to you, and she doesn’t deserve to be spoken to like that. I invited her to come here with us because I wanted her here. And it’s not her fault we are leaving tomorrow—I have to work, too.”