The First Mistake

by Sandie Jones

  I feel my hackles rising and pull away from him. ‘I don’t not go away because I’ll miss the girls, Nathan. Jesus, I thought you understood.’

  ‘I do, but it’s been almost ten years now, Al. If you’re not careful, you’ll go through your entire life without stepping outside of the home counties.’

  ‘Don’t make it sound like I’m some kind of hermit,’ I say, my voice rising. ‘We’ve been to France and Ireland.’

  ‘Yes, with the girls,’ he says bluntly.

  ‘And you and I went to Scotland . . .’

  ‘That was our honeymoon,’ he says. ‘We could go anywhere in the world – we’ve got the money, and, with a little planning, we’ve got the time. I really thought Japan would be a new start.’

  ‘Is that why you pitched for it?’ I snap. ‘To put me under pressure? Why would you do that to me?’

  ‘You’re being ridiculous,’ he says. ‘I know what AT Designs means to you and I did it because I thought you’d want to do it. Period. This isn’t about me, Alice. This is about you, living the life you should be living.’

  ‘Well, I’m perfectly happy as I am,’ I shout as I go into our bathroom and slam the door.

  5

  ‘You’re not going to let him get away with that, are you?’ asks Beth, aghast, as we have dinner the following night.

  I twirl spaghetti absently on my fork and feel surprisingly emotional. I suppose it’s because up until now I’d convinced myself that what David did was no big deal, but Beth’s reaction proves to me that it was.

  ‘Have you told Nathan?’

  I shake my head. ‘I didn’t know whether to or not. I might have done if we hadn’t had a row.’

  She grimaces, and I already regret saying anything. But she’s one of the few friends I have who has nothing to do with AT Designs and no connection to Nathan. In fact, she still hasn’t met him, and part of me wonders if I’ve kept them apart, albeit subliminally, so that I can say how I feel without being judged, or running the risk of it getting back to him.

  ‘What did you row about?’ she asks.

  I instinctively look around the tables closest to us, checking for anyone I know. Not that they’d be able to hear us over the din of the birthday party that is thankfully beginning to peter out. There is only so much of ‘Zac’ and his excitable friends that one can be expected to endure, especially on the rare occasion that you’re child-free yourself.

  ‘Just the same old stuff,’ I say dismissively.

  She leans forward. ‘Like what?’

  ‘About me going away,’ I say. ‘It’s the only thing we ever row about, and every time I try to explain myself, I think he understands, only for it to rear its ugly head again a few months later.’

  She screws her face up in confusion. ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘I’m not, that’s the whole point.’ I no longer want to have this conversation, as I’m sure that once she hears my side, she’ll think I’m just as mad as Nathan does.

  ‘I’m not with you,’ she says, half laughing. ‘It’s you not going away that’s causing the problem?’

  I nod. ‘He wants me to go to Japan, if we get this big job that we’re pitching for, but I’ve not been away without the girls since . . .’

  My voice breaks, and she leans across to put her hand on mine.

  ‘It’s a weird and complicated thing, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Every time I think about it, I’m paralysed by fear.’

  ‘That’s understandable,’ she says soothingly. ‘Losing Tom like that was such a huge shock – I don’t imagine anything will ever be quite the same in your world again. What is it that panics you the most? The idea of something happening to them while you’re away? Or the possibility of something happening to you?’

  ‘Them. Me. Both.’ I shake my head. ‘I don’t know.’ I feel tears welling up in my eyes and bat them away. ‘Sorry, it’s just . . .’

  ‘You don’t need to apologize, Alice,’ she says.

  ‘I just don’t feel comfortable leaving them,’ I say. ‘Tom walked out the door one day and he never came back. I wasn’t with him when he died and I’ll never forgive myself for not being able to save him. If we’d been together, he’d still be here, and that’s what constantly goes around in my head whenever I’m away from the girls. How can I save them if I’m not with them? It takes all my strength to drop them off at school each day. But Nathan doesn’t get it. He thinks I should be embracing the opportunity to go away, and now there’s a chance of us getting this job, it just feels as if I’ll be under even more pressure.’

  ‘Do you want the job?’ she asks.

  ‘Most days I want it more than anything,’ I say honestly. ‘It’s been in the pipeline for months and it’ll be such a huge coup for us. But on the days in between, I panic; about the stress it’ll put me under and that I might be forced to leave the girls.’

  ‘I get that, but the longer you worry about what might happen to them, the less time you’ve got to enjoy yourself and live the best possible life you can live.’

  She sounds like Nathan.

  ‘You, more than most, know how short life is.’

  I nod. ‘Yet ironically that makes me fear it all the more.’

  ‘Look around you,’ she says. ‘You’ve got it all. A husband who clearly adores you, two beautiful children, a gorgeous house, money in the bank.’

  I sniff and muster a smile.

  ‘And not only that, but you’re a talented interior designer who is, touch wood, in good health.’

  I put a hand on top of my head. ‘God willing.’

  She does the same as she brings her glass to her lips.

  ‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be morose,’ I say, holding back from adding ‘or sound ungrateful’, knowing that must surely be what she thinks of me. I look at her and chastise myself for bemoaning the amazing life that I lead when hers is a daily struggle.

  ‘I’m sorry to ramble on,’ I say. ‘How’s things with you?’

  ‘Not bad,’ she says sadly. ‘I had an interesting chat with Millie yesterday.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘Yeah, she asked me about her dad.’

  I look at her over the top of my glass, trying to read her expression. Her facial muscles contract and there’s a pulse below her eye. Talking about her ex is always a thorny issue and I know her well enough now to gauge whether she’s in the mood to talk about him or not.

  Like all of us, Beth had been convinced she’d know if her other half was playing away. On one of our many nights out, my bravery enhanced by three glasses of rosé, I’d asked, ‘Was there no part of you that heard alarm bells or saw the signs?’

  ‘Nope,’ she’d said. ‘I was so in denial, or insanely trusting, whichever way you want to look at it, that I hadn’t a clue.’

  ‘So when did he last see Millie?’

  ‘He hasn’t,’ she said, her words a little slurry, or maybe my ears just had a blush-infused mesh over them. ‘He left when I was pregnant and we never saw him again.’

  ‘He’s not seen Millie since?’ I’d asked incredulously, my brain unable to compute how a father could do that. How can life be so unfair? How can it give men children they don’t want, and yet take away the fathers other children so desperately need?

  She shook her head, her bottom lip trembling. ‘How could he do it to me, Alice?’ she remonstrated. ‘I gave him everything.’

  I fell back into my chair, feeling suddenly and inexplicably drawn to my friend. Here was someone who could begin to understand what it felt like to have the person you love, the man you’ve shared so much with, disappear from your life. She knew how it felt to have the rug pulled out from underneath your feet, tossing you up in the air and making you wonder if you’ll ever come back down again.

  I could have argued that at least her partner is alive, whilst mine is dead, but when I tried to put myself in her position, I was almost grateful that I was in mine. I couldn’t bear the thought that Tom had chosen to leav
e my life, and that of our child. He wasn’t given the choice – none of us were.

  ‘How . . . how did you find out he was seeing someone else?’ I’d faltered, unable to get my head around what she was telling me.

  ‘Purely by chance. I’d gone away and had come back earlier than expected and there they were.’

  A hand flew up to my mouth. ‘Oh my God.’

  ‘Yeah, so . . .’ She’d looked out across the restaurant as her eyes filled with tears.

  I’d reached across the table and placed my hand on top of hers. ‘I can’t even begin to imagine . . . Is he still with the woman . . .?’ I had almost added, ‘he left you for’, but it would have been too hurtful.

  Sensing my predicament, she’d finished the sentence for me.

  ‘I have absolutely no idea,’ she’d said scathingly. ‘I imagine they’re playing happy families somewhere. Well, she got what she wanted, didn’t she?’

  I’d pulled back, looking at her quizzically. ‘You sound like you’re blaming her. But it’s likely that she didn’t even know you existed.’

  ‘Of course she did,’ Beth had spat. ‘You know when the man you’re with is supposed to be with someone else.’

  I’d wanted to argue the case, but I could tell by her hardened features that it wasn’t one I was going to win.

  As a tear fell onto her cheek I’d moved to her side of the table, holding her close and gently pushing her auburn hair away from her wet face. ‘How could he do it, Alice? How could I not have known what was going on?’

  ‘How would any of us know?’ I’d offered reassuringly, though I would reverberated loudly around my head.

  ‘Don’t you ever worry about Nathan straying?’ she’d asked, as if reading my mind.

  I had shaken my head. ‘That’s not on my radar. I’ve had worse happen to me, so when he’s late home, I worry more about his safety than who he might be sleeping with.’

  ‘I wouldn’t worry about it,’ she’d slurred. ‘There’s no way Nathan would ever cheat. I mean, just look at you for God’s sake. He’d be out of his mind.’

  I’d looked down at my slim legs, encased in tight dark denim jeans, and brushed imaginary crumbs from my cleavage, as it descended into the plunging neckline of a white T-shirt. I try my best to stay in shape, but my willpower isn’t always what it should be. God must be a man, as no woman would be so cruel as to make chocolate, biscuits and crisps taste so darn good.

  ‘So, I’ve made a decision,’ says Beth, bringing me back to the here and now.

  ‘Oh,’ I murmur.

  ‘I’m going to find him,’ she says, abruptly.

  ‘Why?’ I ask. ‘You’ve done fine without him up until now, what’s changed?’

  ‘Because now it’s about Millie,’ she says. ‘I always knew this day would come – I was just hoping that it wouldn’t be any time soon. But I promised myself that as soon as she started asking about him, started realizing that she was different to other kids, I’d tell her about him.’

  ‘But she’s still young. Won’t it all be a bit much for her to take in and understand at the moment? There’s plenty of time for her to find him if she wants to.’

  ‘It wasn’t the right time before,’ she says, ‘but I feel it is now.’

  I look at her, square in the eyes. ‘For you or for Millie?’

  She bristles. ‘For Millie of course.’

  ‘You need to think very carefully about the impact of this on her. Once you open the can, the worms are going to keep coming out. You need to be ready and prepared for that.’

  ‘I am,’ she says confidently.

  ‘So, what are you going to say to her when she asks why her daddy left? When she discovers that he didn’t even stay long enough to meet her.’

  Beth’s face is clouding over, her fury and frustration close to the surface.

  ‘I’m sorry if I sound harsh,’ I say, my hand on hers, ‘but I’m just playing devil’s advocate. I want to make sure you know what you might be letting yourself in for.’

  She smiles ruefully. ‘I grew up without a father, and there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t miss him and wonder what could have been. No child should have to endure that.’

  I only have to picture Sophia’s face, on the days when she’s missing Tom even more than usual, to get a sense of the sadness that she carries with her everywhere she goes. My eyes fall to the table, for fear that I might sob at the injustice that they’ve both suffered. If I could take away Beth’s pain I would. But as I can’t, the next best thing I can do is support her in her mission.

  ‘Why don’t we see if we can find him first?’ I say.

  ‘We?’ she repeats, her eyes wide.

  ‘I’ll do all that I can to help you,’ I promise. ‘But there’s nothing to be gained from talking to Millie at this point. If you tell her you’re looking, and he doesn’t want to be found, it’ll only lead to more heartache.’

  She mulls it over. ‘Mmm, you’re probably right. I’ll have a tentative look around, see if I can find any trails that might lead in his direction.’

  ‘And if I can do anything to help, just let me know.’

  ‘I might hold you to that.’ She laughs.

  As usual, we bicker over the bill, but as much as I genuinely want to pay for her, I’m aware that there’s a very fine line between being generous and being patronizing. I only agree to go halves if she promises to let me pay next time.

  ‘So, when will you know about the Japanese project?’ she says as we reach her car.

  ‘Monday, hopefully,’ I say, crossing my fingers. ‘Just as soon as they exchange contracts.’

  ‘I’ll be keeping everything crossed for you,’ she says.

  ‘Thanks for listening,’ I say, leaning in to give her a kiss on the cheek. ‘I’m sure everything will work out for the best.’

  She hugs me tightly and I feel like I might cry. ‘Good luck,’ she says. ‘Keep me posted.’

  ‘Good luck to you too,’ I say, and we both know what I mean.

  6

  ‘So, how’s it going to work?’ Lottie asks forthrightly, as we sit in our team meeting the following morning. ‘When we’re so far away from the site.’

  ‘Okay,’ says Nathan, looking to me for the go-ahead to reveal what we’d discussed. I give a small nod. ‘Well, once we’re properly up and running, we’re thinking Alice will stay here, overseeing the project from the UK. And I’ll be over there, making sure everything is received and in good order.’

  ‘So, you’re not going over there at all?’ Lottie says incredulously, looking at me.

  I stay focused on the random sketches on my pad. They say a lot can be determined about a person from their doodles and I wonder what conclusion would be drawn from the cubes and stars that are scattered across the paper in front of me.

  ‘No, Alice will be based here,’ says Nathan. ‘But that does mean I’m going to need some help on the ground in Japan. Lottie, maybe that would be something you’d consider doing.’

  It had been my suggestion, a way of getting myself off the hook, but Nathan had readily agreed. If he felt I’d manipulated the situation, he didn’t say.

  ‘Seriously?’ chokes Lottie, her voice high. ‘Oh my God, seriously?’

  He smiles. ‘Yes, seriously. What do you say?’

  I choose to bat away the uncomfortable sensation that is swirling in my stomach; pretending that it’s just nerves about the job. But as much as I try to disguise it, the green-eyed monster won’t be silenced. I wanted to be the one to pull it all together, be the first to see the end result.

  You could, the voice in my head says. If you were brave enough.

  ‘It would be a really wonderful opportunity for you Lottie,’ I say, with a smile fixed on my face. ‘And we’re confident you’ll do it with aplomb.’

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ she says. ‘Of course, yes, yes, yes.’ She instinctively jumps out of her chair and throws her arms around Nathan. ‘Thank you, I won’t let you down.’<
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  Lottie’s blonde hair swishes from side to side as she makes her way towards me, and I get up out of my chair, ready to receive her gratitude. ‘I don’t know what else to say apart from thank you,’ she says, putting her arms around me.

  ‘Well, we haven’t got the job yet,’ I say, seemingly conscious that we shouldn’t be getting ahead of ourselves. But I half-wonder if I just say it to rain on her parade.

  ‘How come you’ve got Daddy’s car?’ squeals Olivia as she jumps into the front passenger seat of Nathan’s BMW later on, when I pick her up after school. ‘Is he at home?’

  ‘Because mine’s in for a service and no, he’s not,’ I say.

  ‘Aww, when’s he going to be back? Will I see him before I go to bed?’

  ‘I don’t think so, sweetie, he’s playing golf and then going out for dinner.’

  ‘But he’s always out,’ she moans.

  I wonder why she feels that way. It certainly doesn’t feel like that to me, but maybe the perception of time veers wildly between the two of us. What’s my hour must feel like her day, and my week, her month. That’s how I remember feeling about my dad, as a kid. He very rarely went out, but on the odd occasion he’d go to the pub, straight from the building site on a Friday, with his bulging wage packet in his pocket, it felt like forever until I saw him again on Saturday morning.

  ‘You’ll see him tomorrow,’ I promise. ‘It’s the weekend.’

  ‘Yay,’ she says, fidgeting with her seatbelt, not wanting to let go of the jam jar housing the painted lady caterpillar the school has helpfully asked us to look after whilst it morphs into a chrysalis.

  ‘Forget it, little lady, you’re not staying there. In the back.’

  ‘But Daddy lets me,’ she whines as she clumsily gets out, dropping the hungry caterpillar into the abyss of the footwell.

  ‘Livvy,’ I shriek. ‘Be careful.’

  ‘Ooops!’ She laughs.

  ‘Well, he shouldn’t,’ I say. ‘You’re not allowed to.’