The First Mistake

by Sandie Jones

  She smiles sweetly, but she doesn’t believe a word he says anymore.

  35

  ‘Is Nathan not with you?’ asks Alice’s mum, Linda, as she greets her at her own front door with a hug.

  ‘No, he took the train straight to the office from the airport,’ says Alice. Not because that’s where she believes he is, but because that’s where he told her he was going. ‘How have the girls been?’

  ‘Livvy has been a dream.’

  ‘And Sophia?’

  Linda rolls her eyes. ‘Like you were twenty years ago,’ she says.

  Alice smiles, but she can’t help but think that actually, she and Sophia are nothing alike. Whilst Alice went through her teens as a troublesome bundle of hormones, not yet privy to knowing she’d grow out of it, Sophia is in a whole other world of hurt. In a place where sometimes Alice can’t reach her.

  But who can blame her? She’s endured the horror of having her father walk out one morning and never come back, and for someone so young, it’s no surprise that those feelings of abandonment and paranoia are still so near to the surface. Scratch at Alice just a few weeks ago, and you would have found the same emotions, but she’s not sure they’d be there now.

  ‘I’d rather six Olivias than one surly teenager,’ says Linda. ‘But Sophia has been through a lot. She’s a good girl – she just needs a bit of time to find her place in the world.’

  ‘I know,’ says Alice, but she can’t help but wonder if there was any more she could have, should have done.

  ‘Just be honest,’ her mother had said, when they were told it was no longer viable for Tom to be found alive. ‘It’s all that you can do.’

  Alice hadn’t had a minute to process her own grief, yet she was expected to impart the worst possible news to her seven-year-old daughter.

  ‘Would you like me to do it?’ her mother had asked gently, as the three of them huddled on the sofa together.

  Alice had shaken her head, but a pool of nausea swirled in her stomach.

  ‘Sophia, I’ve got something to tell you,’ she’d said, her trembling hands holding her daughter’s.

  ‘Is Daddy coming home today?’ Sophia had squealed in delight, as she sat bouncing up and down excitedly.

  Alice shook her head as her eyes filled with tears.

  ‘Shall we make some cookies?’ Sophia had asked, oblivious. ‘To give to him, when he gets here.’

  Alice had pulled her close and breathed her in, squeezing her eyes shut and wishing with all her might that they could rewind a week, to a time when their worlds were normal. Now nothing would ever be normal again.

  ‘Daddy’s had an accident,’ Alice had said, slowly and deliberately. She didn’t want to get it wrong because Sophia would remember this moment for the rest of her life.

  ‘Is he okay?’ she’d asked.

  ‘He was skiing, and he got lost on the mountain.’

  ‘So when will he be coming home?’

  ‘They’ve been looking for him for the past three days and nights, but they can’t find him. They think he might have fallen down somewhere.’

  Sophia had pulled a face. ‘Ouch. Is he hurt?’

  Alice had felt she wasn’t doing a very good job and hated herself for delaying the truth, but she just wanted her daughter to have a few more moments of innocence. She’d felt her mum’s hand on her back, the presence and reassurance of one mother to another. Her lips had quivered, and her voice wobbled.

  ‘He’s dead,’ she’d managed.

  She’ll never forget the look on Sophia’s face as the realization dawned.

  ‘So . . . so Daddy’s not coming back?’ she’d stuttered. ‘Ever?’

  Alice had shaken her head. ‘No, but he will always be here with us – he will always be with you wherever you are. Looking down on you, watching over you. Whenever you’re sad, he’ll be by your side, holding your hand.’

  A big tear had dropped from Sophia’s cheek. ‘Will I feel him?’ she’d asked, looking up at her mum pitifully. ‘Will I feel his hand in mine?’

  ‘Y-yes, of course,’ Alice had choked. ‘You’ll know he’s there.’

  Sophia’s mind, no doubt, had flashed through a million memories – of her and Daddy in the park, looking for conkers; of him tickling her until she could hardly breathe; of watching You’ve Been Framed on TV together and laughing mercilessly at other people’s misfortunes.

  ‘We’ll be okay,’ Alice had lied.

  She’d lain awake that night, holding Sophia close to her, her little body taking up not even half the space in their bed that Tom’s had just a few nights before. How could he be gone? How could someone so loved, so needed, wake up one morning, walk out the front door and never come back? How was that even possible?

  ‘Perhaps we don’t give her the credit she deserves,’ says Linda, snapping Alice back into the present. ‘For getting to where she is today, knowing what she’s been through – what you’ve both been through.’

  Alice nods numbly and fights the clenching in her throat that tells her that tears are imminent.

  ‘Oh darling, what’s wrong?’ asks Linda as she pulls Alice towards her and kisses the top of her head.

  Should she tell her mother what’s been going on? She so desperately wants to offload everything in her head, hear her mother say that she’s got it all wrong about Tom. Linda loved him like her own son and wouldn’t have a bad word said about him. But as much as Alice wants to share her newfound knowledge, she knows that it would be a selfish act. It might make her feel better for a moment, but it would crush her mother, and then she’d question whether Sophia should be told. No, there is nothing to be gained from saying anything.

  ‘Nothing, I’m fine,’ she lies. ‘I just missed the girls.’

  ‘Well, you should do it more often,’ Linda says. ‘It does you good to get away from it all every now and again.’

  Alice doesn’t have the heart to tell her that she’d taken half the problem away with her.

  ‘So, anyway, come on, tell me, how was Japan?’ asks Linda, as she fills the kettle and clicks it on.

  ‘It’s a beautiful place, so much culture, and the people are just lovely.’

  ‘And the project? Is that all going ahead?’

  Alice smiles, hoping that it reaches her eyes, as her mother will be the first to notice if it doesn’t.

  ‘Yes, it’s an amazing opportunity,’ she says, sounding like she’s reading from a textbook. ‘Really exciting.’

  ‘I’m so proud of you, Alice,’ says Linda. ‘Of everything you’ve achieved.’

  Alice smiles. ‘I think I might have bitten off more than I can chew with this one.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ says Linda. ‘You will rise to the challenge, as you always do.’

  ‘Thanks Mum. It means a lot.’

  ‘And I assume Nathan is fully supportive?’ she asks without looking at Alice, as if she’s been waiting for the right time to broach the subject.

  Alice marvels at her mother’s knack of always hitting the nail on the head. ‘It’s all his idea,’ she says. ‘He’s fully behind it.’

  ‘But is he fully behind you?’ her mother asks.

  Alice smiles tightly in answer and Linda looks away pensively.

  Her mother has never voiced her opinion, but Alice can tell from her expressions and the look in her eye sometimes that she has reservations about Nathan. She had gently urged Alice to slow down when it had all seemed to be going too fast.

  ‘Just give yourself some time,’ she’d said when Alice came home aglow after their fourth date. ‘You don’t need to rush into anything. If this man is right for you, he’ll wait until you’re ready.’

  But somewhere between the jigs and the reels, her sound advice had gone unheeded, because three months later Alice discovered she was pregnant.

  ‘How can this be?’ she’d cried hysterically into Nathan’s arms. ‘This wasn’t supposed to happen.’

  ‘I know you’re frightened, but I promise you, I’m not go
ing anywhere.’

  ‘I can’t put another child through that,’ she’d said through her tears. ‘I can’t put Sophia through that again.’

  ‘Not everyone dies at thirty-two,’ he’d said, gently.

  ‘It’s not just about dying. It’s about a child losing one of their parents for any reason: death, divorce . . . I just can’t put another child through that.’

  He’d kissed the top of her head and rocked her gently. ‘You won’t be on your own. I’ll always be here for you – for all of you.’

  ‘Don’t you dare make a promise you can’t keep,’ Alice had sobbed. ‘That’s not fair.’

  ‘I swear to you, I’ll not let you down. Would it make you feel better if I moved in with you? Will that prove to you that I’m not about to go anywhere?’

  Alice had nodded gratefully.

  ‘But Tom’s not yet been gone a year,’ her mother had said when she heard the news. ‘You’re still grieving. Take your time – there’s no need to rush into anything. You hardly know this man.’

  Now, for the first time, Alice wonders if her mother had seen something she hadn’t.

  36

  As soon as Alice sees Olivia running across the playground, with her arms outstretched, she feels equal measures of happiness and guilt.

  ‘You’re back,’ she squeals as Alice picks her up and swings her around. ‘Is Daddy home too?’

  Alice imagines her answer if she decides that Nathan’s cheating is not something she’s prepared to put up with. No darling, he’s moved out. You can see him every other weekend. Her chest tightens.

  ‘Yes, he’ll be home in time for tea,’ she says.

  ‘Yay,’ Olivia shrieks excitedly.

  Alice turns around and smiles when she sees Sophia coming towards her. ‘Hey, what are you doing here?’

  Her elder daughter’s arms hang limply by her side, but as Alice pulls her closer, she feels them slowly come up and wrap around her.

  ‘I had to return some books to the English department,’ she says. ‘And then I saw this little monkey doing PE on the field, so I thought I’d hang around and walk down.’

  ‘Ah, that’s so nice,’ says Alice, kissing Sophia’s forehead and pushing her hair away from her face. ‘Everything okay?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Sophia shrugs.

  ‘What’s been going on since I last saw you?’

  ‘You’ve only been gone three days,’ she exclaims.

  ‘So, nothing new to report?’

  ‘Gossip, you mean?’

  Alice smiles. ‘That obvious, eh?’

  Sophia rolls her eyes. ‘You’re worse than my mates.’

  Despite her attempt to look and sound normal, Alice is anything but, as she constantly scans the playground, looking for Beth from behind her sunglasses. She can’t shake the heaviness that’s sitting on her chest – the foreboding feeling of waiting for Beth to turn up, not knowing whether she’s about to throw a grenade in her already fragile world. Hoping for the best, Alice puts her head down and hurriedly leads the way out of school.

  ‘Hello Alice,’ says Beth from her left, blindsiding her.

  Heat rushes to her skin, making her feel light-headed. The girls are just a few feet behind her and she has no idea what Beth is going to say or do.

  ‘We still need to talk,’ she says quietly.

  Alice looks directly at her, all too aware of little Millie standing at her mother’s side. Will I see Tom in her, now that my eyes have new knowledge? she asks herself, too frightened to look.

  ‘Can Olivia come to play?’ asks Millie.

  Beth raises her eyebrows questioningly at Alice.

  ‘Not today,’ says Alice emphatically, her eyes flashing a warning look to Beth.

  ‘Perhaps another time,’ says Beth to her daughter.

  ‘Aww, that’s so unfair. Why can’t I go to Olivia’s then?’

  ‘Because you have to wait to be invited,’ says Beth patiently. ‘I assume we’re still invited to Olivia’s party on Sunday?’ She’s looking at Alice, who for a split second has no idea what she’s talking about.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Olivia’s party? Is Millie still allowed to come?’

  The penny drops as Alice remembers the twenty invitations Olivia had excitedly taken into school two weeks ago. ‘Um, I don’t know . . .’ she stutters. ‘I’m not sure there’ll be . . .’ She pulls herself up. Of course Olivia’s birthday celebrations will go ahead. Just because her father is having an affair doesn’t mean that their lives have to be put on hold. But still Alice’s heart beats double-time at the thought of a house full of nine-year-olds, their pushy parents and her unfaithful husband. She almost groans out loud at the added complication of Beth and Millie being thrown into the mix.

  ‘Please say I can still come,’ says Millie tearfully, whilst tugging on Alice’s skirt.

  ‘Come on, let’s go . . .’ starts Beth, pulling the child away.

  ‘Of course,’ says Alice, forcing herself to look at Millie. The little girl’s eyes are filled to the brim and just as she sticks her bottom lip out, a big fat tear runs down her cheek. The jolt that Alice had expected to feel when she looked at her doesn’t come and she crouches down to Millie’s height.

  Is that you in there, Tom? She looks into Millie’s eyes, searching for a sign, anything to prove that her beloved husband, the man she thought would never betray her, would do what Beth’s suggesting.

  ‘Of course you can come,’ Alice says to Millie. ‘Olivia wouldn’t have it any other way.’

  The little girl’s dismay instantly turns into a grin and she instinctively throws her arms around Alice and kisses her cheek. ‘Thank you,’ she squeals.

  Alice avoids eye contact with Beth as she returns to full height.

  ‘When are you free to . . . you know . . .?’ asks Beth quietly.

  ‘Mum, can I go and sit in the car?’ asks Sophia, obviously assuming that the two mums are going to have a long chat, like they usually do.

  ‘Yep, sure,’ says Alice, fishing for the keys in her bag.

  ‘Hi Millie-Moo,’ says Sophia, as she affectionately ruffles Millie’s hair. The little girl laughs and Alice feels like she’s stopped breathing.

  It’s only then that the full implications of what Tom has done hit her. She’s spent the past week wallowing in self-pity at the realization that her first marriage was a sham. She’d swung from wanting Beth dead to being glad that Tom was no longer alive in her efforts to process what had happened, but at no point did she remember appreciating that she and Sophia might be half-sisters.

  ‘We need to sort this out,’ says Beth, as if reading her mind. ‘We can’t carry on, in this state of limbo.’

  Alice feels like she might crumple to the floor, but steels herself, refusing to give in.

  ‘I’m not going to do it here and I’m not going to do it at Livvy’s, I mean Olivia’s, birthday party.’ She sees Beth baulk at the self-correction, as if noting that she’s no longer in the inner circle who know Olivia well enough to call her Livvy. Alice presses on, keen to convey that she’ll be the one calling the shots. ‘We’ll arrange something for next week, once we’ve both had a chance to work out what this all means and the consequences that come with you having had an affair with my husband.’

  Alice couldn’t help herself.

  ‘Mrs Davies, Mrs Davies,’ calls out Miss Watts, making her way towards Alice.

  Alice fixes on a smile. ‘Hi.’

  ‘Could I have a word please?’ She looks to Beth. ‘Perhaps in my office would be best.’

  ‘Yes, yes of course,’ says Alice as she begins to follow her inside, not knowing what to do with Olivia.

  ‘I’ll keep an eye on her,’ says Beth, sensing her predicament. ‘The girls can have a play.’

  It was all that was needed to force Alice’s decision. She caught hold of Olivia’s hand and marched her inside.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ says Miss Watts quietly once they’re in her classroom, so Olivia can’t he
ar from the corridor outside. ‘I just wanted to have a word with you to see if we might be able to find out what’s going on with Olivia at the moment.’

  ‘Is there a problem?’ asks Alice, careful to temper her impatience. She doesn’t need this on top of everything else.

  ‘Well, yes, I’m afraid there is,’ she says, wringing her hands together. ‘Another parent has called to make a complaint.’

  ‘A complaint?’ says Alice, not sure that she heard right. ‘About what?’

  ‘They are suggesting that Olivia is bullying their child.’

  Alice almost laughs. ‘My Olivia?’

  ‘Erm, yes, I’m afraid so,’ she says. ‘We’ve had said child in for a chat and she won’t say very much. I think it’s because she may be frightened.’

  ‘Are you sure you’ve got this right?’ asks Alice, unable to believe that her daughter could possibly be guilty of what she’s being accused of.

  ‘We’ve also spoken to Olivia,’ says Miss Watts. ‘But she says that she’s not been horrible to anyone. But, in these situations, I find there is rarely smoke without fire.’

  Alice shakes her head. ‘I understand that you have to investigate this, but are you absolutely sure you’ve got this the right way round? Just last week I was called in to pick Livvy up from the nurse, after Phoebe had pushed her in the playground. Could it be that it’s actually Phoebe who’s bullying Olivia?’

  Miss Watts pulls that therapist face again and Alice feels an overwhelming desire to punch her.

  ‘Phoebe isn’t actually the child in question,’ she says.

  ‘She isn’t?’ queries Alice. ‘Well, if it isn’t Phoebe, who is it?’

  ‘I’m afraid I’m not able to divulge that information.’

  ‘So, let me get this straight,’ says Alice, feeling like a pressure cooker. ‘Are you honestly expecting me to ask my eight-year-old child who she’s supposedly bullying, because you’re not prepared to tell me?’

  ‘Well, as we’ve spoken to both girls, I’m hoping that it will rectify itself, but I just wanted to make you aware of the situation as the girl’s mother has threatened to take things further if it’s not resolved.’