Vote at Toad Hall

by Eddie Saint

  ‘Not quite,’ he said. ‘I am ashamed to admit it, but even with such a powerful Army there are certain… quality control issues. Some jobs I find are still better with a personal touch.’

  He laid a paw on my shoulder, claws sharp and extended, and said,

  ‘I think it’s time. Don’t you?’

  THE FIRST ‘DOOM-MONGERS’ they went for were Toads and Economists, but pretty soon afterwards the adrenaline kicked in. It wasn’t long before any expert was fair game.

  ‘We’ve had enough of Dentists,’ tried Stoat, ‘telling us we need fillings and charging for the privilege.’

  ‘Absolutely. And what about Train Drivers?’ added Weasel. ‘Why should we let them take home their big pay packets just to sit at the front of the train? They don’t even need to steer!’

  ‘And Pilots! Overpaid freeloaders who get the best view and let computers do all the work!’

  The two old friends collapsed in fits of laughter, caught up in the sheer joy of running the campaign as the clock ticked inexorably towards closing time for the Vote.

  ‘Hang on,’ said Weasel, drying his eyes and whipping out his phone. ‘I’ve got an insider I said I’d check in with just before the close. Let’s see what he can tell us…’

  He speed-dialled his contact and stepped into the corridor to speak to him. When he strolled back into Stoat’s office his face was all smiles.

  ‘And…?’ said Stoat, desperate for a first sniff of how the Vote was going.

  ‘Stoat,’ said Weasel, not even bothering to fake a dramatic pause. ‘It looks like we might have just done it. Nothing official yet, but my insider is pretty bang on with this sort of thing.’

  ‘Really?’ said Stoat. He’d spent the week knowing that Pincer and Vulpine had promised a victory. However, getting the first hint of the result from an outsider…? That made it all the more real. Like he could almost touch it.

  ‘Just give me a tick, would you?’ Weasel said, and he nudged Stoat aside, placed his paws on the keyboard, and began to type:

  Memo

  From: Oliver Weasel

  To: Premium Level Investors

  Security Level: Full encryption - For Your Eyes Only

  Ok chaps, you know I want to stay true to my word. When there's blood in the forest we all make a killing, so here's a little appetiser for you all. I've just had the first sneaky peak at the exit poll sniffs, and it looks like we've only gone and bloody done it! Straight up. I think this last day of ‘not-campaigning’ has really done the business for us. So... I’ll have to do the media rounds in a mo (they can't get enough of my mug on the box!). Anyway, here's the deal. I’m going to tell them I think we ran a good campaign but indications seem to say we've fallen short. You lot get on Wild Wood currency now before I go on, then watch the markets strengthen when they realise the LEAF League is safe. The value should rally quite nicely if I lay it on thick about how we've probably lost. After all, no-one should have a sniff of the polls yet (but you know me: Weasel by name, Weasel by nature!). The Vote result should be announced about half an hour after voting ends, once they’ve checked everything is above board. So any time between the Vote closing and the Result coming in just sell, sell, sell and I'll see you down The Stump where you can get the beers in and tell me how much you've made. And that's just a TASTE of the profits we can make as we work our magic to take down the LEAF League completely. Enjoy!

  W

  Chapter Thirty

  ‘You never did want to take over the world, did you?’ I asked. With his sharp claws on my shoulder I felt closer than I’ve ever been to the end of my own personal road, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from books and movies it’s that the baddie will always spill the beans when they know they have you. At least I wouldn’t die in ignorance.

  Vulpine chuckled, his eyes sparkling in the light coming from the bank of screens.

  ‘You are bright, Cottontail, I’ll give you that.’

  He led us out of his den, back to the Hornworm case, and paused to watch as the larvae wound themselves into tiny white cocoons along the plump but fatally wounded green bodies.

  ‘Anyone who claims top spot will always be a target for the next rising power. I’m smart enough to know we Foxes will never have the strength to hold out against more powerful creatures.’

  It was time to put my Hornworm theory to the test.

  ‘But you have picked sides, haven’t you?’ I said.

  ‘Oh yes, I most certainly have,’ he said. ‘Many, many years ago now.’

  A wistful smile played across his lips.

  ‘And ‘Hornworm’ is the name of your grand plan, isn’t it? But it isn’t about you trying to get control of Wild Wood, or the LEAF League.’

  ‘Right again, Cottontail. Of course I would like a piece of the LEAF League action, but a smart Rabbit like you must already see that these local disputes are nothing more than scraps.’

  He bent down at the water cooler to get himself a glass of water.

  ‘Now,’ he said, straightening up, ‘you’ve told me what you think Hornworm isn’t…’

  When you have already jumped off a cliff there is no point being cautious. I plunged on.

  ‘Ok, President Vulpine,’ I said, plucking up all the courage I could muster to look him squarely in the eye. ‘I believe your real plan is to clear the way so the Tigers can muscle their way in to a place at the top table.’

  Vulpine looked impressed.

  ‘That is not bad, Cottontail. There is a little more to it, but you are not far off. Wild Wood is a spent force, but is too arrogant to realise it. Inside the LEAF League it could maybe ride out the waves that are coming from the Tigers, but make no mistake those waves will be strong, and persistent, and only the fit will survive their onslaught.’

  He cast a thoughtful gaze over the portrait of Machiavelli on the wall.

  ‘I have enjoyed reading articles about how I am a ‘master of the dark arts’, that I am using my skills to weaken existing trade links so we Foxes can force our way in. Very amusing… but wide of the mark. My single minded vision has been to weaken you all, by homing in on your individual weak spots and making you fight amongst yourselves.’

  As if to prove his point he took his tablet and handed it to me.

  ‘Look at this,’ he said, and I wondered what could have made him look so visibly disgusted.

  On the screen was a confidential memo from Oliver Weasel about shorting the markets.

  ‘See just how selfish your Weasel is, even now, looking to turn a dirty profit at Wild Wood’s expense. United, the LEAF League would remain too powerful even for the Tigers. But soon, thanks to useful idiots like Weasel, there will be no collective army, no collective voice in negotiations, everyone for themselves, trusting no one. I’m rather hoping I might even have done enough to get another run on the banks, and then Wild Wood will be almost as helpless, and as empty, as these Hornworms here.’

  Looking at the poor, pathetic Hornworms, paralysed and dying, it was easy to see why he chose them for his codename.

  ‘You said I was almost right…?’

  ‘Yes because, make no mistake, Tigers don’t want to be welcomed to the top table… They want to own the table.’

  He let that thought sink in for a moment before continuing.

  ‘I saw the change in the weather some years ago. So I travelled East, beyond the forests, and I made a deal with the Tigers. Whenever they put a new computer network in they agreed to give me a secret key to it. I could hack to my heart’s content, and any data I found I would use to bring the Tigers’ victory closer. They kept their paws clean; I earned a most powerful friend. A charming, beneficial, symbiotic relationship, don’t you think? In my small way I have helped lay a path for the Tigers and so, when the storms subside and Tigers are all powerful who do you think they will call upon as friends? Hmm?’

  The rhetorical question floated in the hot air between us. It was a devilishly cunning plan, devastating in its reach. Presiden
t Vulpine had been running that race for years and Wild Wood was still not out of the blocks. It seemed possible that they might yet keep a foothold in the game if the Vote kept them in the LEAF League, but they’d have to get up to speed pretty quickly.

  I was already convinced that even if he let me live, Vulpine had killed my chances of blowing his whole operation wide open. He had, somehow, cunningly made sure no one would believe me if I told them. It was like being bound and gagged but having my eyelids clamped open and being forced to watch a Jack Russell sniffing at the warren entrance. I could see the coming carnage but couldn’t do anything about it.

  But he hadn’t got to Mel.

  I only hoped she had got the message to Toad in time.

  Ivan carefully DESCENDED the narrow spiral staircase that led down from the top deck of the bus. He didn’t care that his bandaged foot hurt, or that both paws were cut and sore and hurt when he steadied himself on the handrail. He felt like a new Fox.

  Commander Reynard had allowed him… no, had ordered him to spend the day on a sight-seeing bus, sitting on the top deck and taking lots of photos of everything he saw.

  Especially clock towers.

  Ivan hadn’t asked why. He had simply jumped at the chance to get out of the basement and finally see the colourful side of the city he had lived in for over a year. Today was, unquestionably, irrefutably and emphatically a happy day.

  Even the absence of Gemini couldn’t take the shine off his day. He knew he had lost her now for good because, without knowing the first thing about her, there was no way he could find her. As a consolation, though, he had a new uniform and a sit-down job in the fresh air for which he was more than qualified.

  Best of all, his Uncle was ‘pleased’ with him.

  Now he had new orders. Upload the photos then head for the Lost Property desk at Toad Hall Station. Hand in the phone, with its pictures, then head back to the car.

  Easy.

  He stepped off the bus and walked as swiftly as he could manage to the Station, and then on to where the Sedan was parked. Straightening his uniform in the reflective glass, he carefully placed his peaked cap back on his bruised head, opened the driver’s door and got in. Only it wasn’t really the ‘driver’s’ door, he realised. It should more accurately have been called the ‘pretending-to-be-the-driver’s’ door.

  The peaked cap had a built-in earpiece and Ivan heard Alexei’s voice telling him to grab the steering wheel, as he was ready to set off. Fifteen minutes of smooth driving across busy city streets later, the Sedan pulled into a leafy mansion neighbourhood and turned down the drive that led back to base.

  ‘The Commander said that you’ll find your next orders in a folder by the front door,’ said Alexei, before signing off.

  The last time Ivan had received such brief orders on paper from the Commander it had led to him getting beaten up by a Kangaroo. Twice.

  This time his orders were just to wait in the car for his next ‘ride’.

  Nothing could be simpler.

  ‘WELL, MISS COTTONTAIL, it has been a most interesting visit, but I’m afraid it is time that we went our separate ways. The result of the Vote won’t be long now and I’m sure you would like to be back at your laptop when the news comes in.’

  Vulpine ushered me to the door. He had spent our final half hour together being very forthcoming, and not just about his personal role with Hornworm. He gave me chapter and verse on Weasel, the Leave campaign, Salvatore… nothing was too much trouble. He even told me about Alexei, and how Buck Wildheart was his new chauffeur.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, ‘but there is one more thing that will bug me if I don’t ask.’

  To his credit, megalomaniac or not, he stopped and heard me out.

  ‘The white furry tablets in the other glass case? What are they?’

  He seemed to think for a minute. Maybe I didn’t nail the description. Then he said,

  ‘Ah, my Silk Worms! A gift from the Tigers when I first went to see them. They produce the most beautiful thread, but the wasps would do them just as much damage if they got the chance. I keep them as a reminder, you see, of where my priorities lie. What I must protect and nurture, and what I can hollow out.’

  Nice guy, that Vulpine. Don’t let him near your pets though.

  He opened the door and gently guided me out. The office led on to a landing with a grand staircase. All the walls were covered with objects and pictures that spoke boldly of Fox culture, but I was only allowed to enjoy them briefly.

  ‘I’m afraid I must ask you to put this on again,’ he said, handing me the eye-mask.

  Just when I had begun to think I was actually going to get out of there alive, his gesture pulled me up short. It was like the actions of a very considerate executioner. The sort who might promise to chop your head off on the count of three but then does it after ‘One!’

  All heart.

  I took the mask from him and plucked up the courage to look him in the eye one last time before I put it on.

  ‘You won’t win,’ I said, trying to sound brave, even though I was turning to jelly inside. ‘Not every animal in Wild Wood is gullible enough to fall for your tricks.’

  He seemed to consider that carefully for a moment.

  ‘But I don’t need every animal,’ he said. ‘I just need enough. And there are enough in Wild Wood to suit my needs. Animals who dwell on Wild Wood’s successful past, who like to think that, because their ancestors overcame difficulties in the past then the current crop of Toads and Weasels must be talented enough to help them do the same, as if it is some genetic characteristic.’

  What struck me was just how calm, how matter-of-fact he was about what he was saying. He wasn’t some power crazy megalomaniac. Far from it. It was just like he was explaining an obvious chess move. These are my opponent’s weaknesses and here is how I can exploit them. Simple.

  ‘Now please, put on the eye-mask.’ He must have seen the terminal thoughts I was having because he added, ‘Oh don’t worry. You will be quite safe. I just don’t want you to see where I live, in case you do anything foolish like publish my address. I will personally lead you to a car with blacked out windows. You may take your eye-mask off once you are inside. The driver will take you home safely. You have my word.’

  He held my paw and guided me down some stone steps and into the back seat of a car that smelled very like the Sedan I had been bundled into earlier that day.

  ‘I’m going to leave you now and I don’t expect we will meet again,’ he said. ‘As a parting gift, if you wait until you hear me close the car door before you take the eye-mask off then I will promise both you and your brother freedom from Fox attacks. You are both good at your jobs, and I want you both out there, spreading your wild theories about me to the world. Why would I want to keep you quiet? Conspiracy theories just add to the noise these days, so feel free to do your worst.’

  I settled back into the comfortable, padded seat and nodded to let him know I understood. I didn’t know how much I could trust his word, but if there was even a slim chance I could get the Foxes off my back then I was absolutely going to grasp it with both paws.

  ‘Do have a safe journey home. I trust you have found your visit… educational. I’m very sorry that no one will believe anything you write about what you think you might have done today. My driver will see you safely back to Chandler’s. On the way he will take you to pick up your phone that has kindly been handed in to Lost Property at Toad Hall Station. It appears that you have spent today sightseeing and taking photographs. How helpful of you to take pictures of all the clocks in public places that you saw! That should make it terribly easy for folks to see you were never here at all.’

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Toad sent a message through to his secretary that he was not to be disturbed until at least lunchtime, and then only if it was a matter of national security.

  Thank goodness Higgins had come when she did! Her news, if it were true, required him to act fast or signif
icant sums could be lost.

  At least if the result of the Vote didn’t go his way, it was fixable ex post facto. His reputation might take a hit but it would surely bounce back once evidence of skulduggery surfaced. Slippery Daves up and down the land would doubtless see that he was not to blame.

  However, in the meantime the economy of Wild Wood could take a serious pounding from which, if Vulpine’s fiendish plan worked, it may never recover.

  Toad stood at the mantelpiece and lit a ‘thinking cigar’. It was still morning but, realising he was facing what amounted to a National crisis, he decided it would also be acceptable to have a brandy, to steel his nerves for the task ahead. He pulled the cord for Phillips and sat down to await his brandy in his favourite, padded leather armchair.

  The alcohol began to help straight away. What had seemed like a fairly desperate situation of economic mayhem had gradually morphed into a potential opportunity.

  Vulpine may be a cad, but while he still thinks I don’t know what he is up to…

  Toad took the paper napkin on which his brandy stood and smoothed it out so he could use it to make some rudimentary calculations.

  ‘If we move this to here…, sell those…, switch investment to that…, hmmm…’

  He looked at his calculations. They didn’t quite break even. It was better than the catastrophic loss to be faced if he did nothing, but it still left the finances in the red.

  Toads throughout the years had been known for their clever tricks with money. He knew he had it in him to do better, if he could only summon up the spirit of his ancestors and stand on the shoulders of those financial giants. It was in his blood, wasn’t it?

  He tried a different combination of moves and this time the numbers broke even.

  ‘Not bad,’ he said, ‘but can I go further and even turn a profit?’

  Never one to shirk a challenge, Toad set to work again. For half an hour his pen was either moving frenetically over the napkin calculations or being sucked and chewed in his wide, moist lips. Digits were added, subtracted, shifted, hidden, reallocated, and reinvented in a dozen different complex webs of financial chicanery. Eventually, he put the pen down with satisfaction, drained his brandy and double-checked the numbers.