Everything Has Changed

by kendra Smith

  ‘Lulu?’ Markie’s packing away his guitar. He looks up at me with those sparkly green eyes. ‘When do you need to be there?’ He checks his watch.

  I glance at the time on my phone. Oh shit. Like now. ‘Now? Sorry!’ I frown as we both speed up and pack away all the equipment. Markie shoves the small beanbag props into the huge duffel bag while I collect up sparkly wands. They’ve kept the bridal shop open after closing time for ‘our special clients’. Marjory practically had an orgasm when she told me they were opening it up ‘specially for us’. And there will be prosecco there, she’d whispered, as if she was telling a four-year-old there were Smarties in her pockets.

  ‘All done.’ He zips up the duffel bag and looks at me. ‘Who’s going with you?’

  ‘Victoria and the battle-axe,’ I say, yanking up my pink tights which seem to be constantly falling down.

  ‘She’ll be your mother-in-law soon, I’d save the “battle-axe” craic till later.’ He tilts his head at me. I shrug.

  ‘Right, c’mon, Bo Peep, or we’ll be late. There’s no time to change. If anyone can rock Little Bo Peep wedding chic, it’s you!’ Markie grins at me as we jump into his van.

  ‘There you go again,’ I say, opening the door. He looks at me over the van roof. ‘Like I said, never sees the problems,’ I smile as I hop into the passenger seat and slam the door shut on the outside world.

  10 Victoria

  Victoria forced a smile as Lulu walked towards her. She hadn’t seen her leave the hairdresser – something about her boss interviewing her replacement. Her normal curls had been replaced by poker-straight hair, now sticking out of an absurd bonnet, tied under the chin with a bow; and not only that, she was sporting a pink-and-orange-checked full skirt, with netting over the front, her waist nipped in with a massive white bow and bubble gum pink tights. The effect was Little Bo Peep-meets-catwalk – sort of. She’d just leaped out of a van driven by some gorgeous bloke.

  ‘Who was that?’ she asked as Lulu approached her and immediately wrapped her in a hug as she always did.

  ‘Oh, that was Markie.’

  ‘Eugh, you smell.’ Victoria pulled away.

  ‘Oh crap, that’s probably l’eau de sheep.’ Lulu grinned at her.

  ‘What?’

  She opened out her arms theatrically. ‘You can’t have Little Bo Peep without the sheep, can you?’ And then she was tittering and wobbling towards the wedding dress shop. Victoria watched her little sister. When had this happened? When had the fiercely ambitious Lulu swapped her musical theatre dreams for children’s parties? She was sure the parties were all very well, but Lulu had trained for four years. Why was Lulu always either making jokes, wearing fancy dress, or – she didn’t like to admit it – mildly pissed? Victoria realised she couldn’t have a heart-to-heart with her on the day of her wedding dress fitting, but she needed to find the right time. Yanking her handbag up her shoulder, she walked towards the shop door. Lulu was standing by the window, rummaging in her bag. She produced some perfume and started to spray herself.

  ‘Did it go OK?’

  ‘What?’ Lulu steadied herself on the window pane.

  ‘The children’s party?’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ Lulu swung her fringed bag over her shoulder. ‘You know, twenty pre-schoolers ran riot, I sang Little Bo Peep, then Wheels on the Bus – but changed the lyrics and saw Markie piss himself – then,’ she leant in and Victoria got a whiff of alcohol on her breath, ‘he was a total legend and covered for me when I forgot the words!’

  ‘Lulu, sweetheart, have you been drinking?’ Victoria touched her elbow.

  ‘No,’ she snapped. ‘OK, maybe a little.’ She held her fingers up in a pincer action. Victoria sighed and put her arm around her sister, and they both turned to look at the shop window. There were five dresses, held up by invisible nylon string, suspended in the air, like magic. One was tight and fitted with elaborate gold lace along the bust, another was the full fairy tale with a billowing, netted skirt, glistening with tiny diamonds sewn into the tulle net. Weddings. It made Victoria think of hers, or try to – nope, that bit was empty again. Her heart ached for James. For the memories she did have. And for the ones she’d forgotten.

  For as long as Victoria could remember – well, this was the hard bit… what she could remember was that Lulu had always loved entertaining people. She could summon up sketchy memories of her with a hairbrush, singing into it, and making them all laugh. Christmas parties, then the four of them: Victoria, Lulu, Mum and Dad, round the table on Friday nights listening to the top 100 on the radio. Something changed when Lulu stood up to sing, she remembered. The awkward teenager, who as a child had hidden behind her mother’s knee or Victoria’s skirt, blossomed with a microphone – or hairbrush – in her hand. And she was good. She’d been an understudy for Evita. But now it was all ‘wedding lists’ and ‘floral arrangements’. It seemed a U-turn from her sister’s dreams. But perhaps Lulu had changed, perhaps she wanted all that now. Who was she to judge? She just wanted her to be happy. She placed a hand on her sister’s shoulder and squeezed. ‘Hey, let’s see what they’ve got for you. Bet you’ll look a million dollars. Shall we go in?’

  ‘Sure,’ muttered Lulu, pulling some straw out of her hair. Victoria glanced at her and caught a look cross her face.

  ‘Darlings! How are you both?’ The woman leant over and gave Victoria a kiss. Victoria was overwhelmed with strong perfume. Who was this woman in her too-tight navy-blue suit and pearls? She took Victoria’s hand. ‘My dear – what a dreadful time you’ve had.’ Victoria noticed the pale blue eyeshadow, the fat fingers curled around her hand. This must be Marjory, Simon’s mum. Lulu’s future mother-in-law. Had she met her before? She suddenly felt a bit faint and sank into one of the purple velvet chairs. ‘Just need to sit down.’

  Marjory turned to Lulu: ‘How are you? I hope you’re as excited as I am!’ Then she took a step back. ‘What are you wearing, Louise?’ She was holding her at arm’s length. ‘Anyway, I’ve been looking at the date in my diary and basically trembling with excitement as the day got nearer! I’m so relieved you’re both alright after that horrific accident! Simon has been worried sick!’ She patted Lulu on the arm as she headed to the dressing room. ‘We’ll get the nice lady here to get you a cup of tea, Victoria, you look very pale indeed.’

  Once Victoria had her tea, Marjory sat down in the red velvet seat with gilt arms next to her. ‘I’m a bag of nerves,’ Marjory gushed. ‘I can’t wait to see how our Lulu will look in a wedding gown, I feel a bit teary actually. They’ve given her five to look at.’ Suddenly Lulu appeared in front of them, fiddling with the pearls on the bodice of a fairy-tale dress.

  Marjory put her hands up to her face in wonder. ‘Lulu, that’s simply dazzling. I think this might just be pushing me over the edge.’ She stood up and fussed around Lulu. Victoria glanced at her sister whose cheeks were flushed red and thought for one awful moment that Lulu was going to burst into tears.

  ‘Lulu, it really is stunning,’ Victoria said gently. She watched as Lulu twirled round in the dress; when she caught sight of herself in the mirror, her sister’s face did soften. The dress made her look spectacular. It had a tight bodice beaded with pearls, and the skirt flared out from her tiny waist in a mist of tulle. It was a bit over the top maybe, but it transformed Lulu. She was radiant.

  Lifting her veil up, Lulu peeked out from behind it and grinned. ‘Peek a boo!’

  Then she was laughing, bending double. Slowly, she stood up wiping tears from her eyes. ‘That was funny! Sorry, only kidding. It is lovely.’

  Thank goodness, sighed Victoria. My sister seems to be getting in the spirit of things.

  ‘Oh darling, you look splendid in it!’ Marjory was standing next to her now and fiddling with the netting. ‘My goodness, it’s not every day that you get a second chance at a daughter-in-law. I just can’t wait! Can’t wait for Simon and you to be properly married – it was all such a dreadful thing when – anyway, perhaps you two
will be quick off the mark to start a family, maybe?’ She peered at Lulu, then gently pushed Lulu’s veil over her shoulder as Victoria watched the colour drain from Lulu’s face.

  When she came out of the cubicle, Lulu handed the dress to the shop owner then turned to Marjory. ‘Thank you.’ The two women gave each other a hug and then Lulu raised her eyebrows at Victoria. ‘Fantastic, now we both need to go, Marjory. Victoria needs to rest.’

  ‘Of course you do, this has been splendid. See you soon dear. Send Simon a big kiss from me, won’t you!’ And as they left the shop, Victoria just made out Marjory asking to see the Mother of the Groom outfits please, with a little laugh.

  It was getting dusky. It was only a five-minute drive back to Lulu’s flat on the outskirts of Little Norland, and then she was going straight home to lie down. ‘What was going on in there? You seemed very stressed?’

  ‘I just feel a bit overwhelmed with it all, the shop, the dress, the whole shebang. It’s making it very, very real.’ The laughing Lulu from the wedding shop had vanished and in her place was a sombre sister in fancy dress, slumped in the seat. Shouldn’t she be buzzing?

  ‘It is real, Lulu, he’s asked you to marry him – or so you told me,’ she paused and her voice softened, ‘and you’ve said yes.’ She pulled up behind a car at a set of temporary traffic lights.

  A silence fell between them as they watched the oncoming lights of the stream of cars illuminate the bonnet then veer off. A mist had started to form across the road.

  ‘So. Tell me, what’s he like? Simon? Only, I just can’t remember much.’

  Lulu cleared her throat. ‘Well, he’s an only child, he’s an accountant, he went to Southampton university to study Finance, he loves to ski, he’s a good cook and he’s – well, he’s nice.’ Lulu put her hands in her lap. Victoria released the hand-brake and pulled away.

  ‘Lulu, sweetheart, I didn’t want his CV, I wanted to know about him. What’s he like, as a person? What do you feel about him?’

  ‘He’s great.’

  They carried on a bit further to the sound of the windscreen wipers swishing this way and that. Victoria concentrated on the road ahead. She was driving slowly. She wasn’t going to let the accident stop her, but she acknowledged that she was finding it tough. She gripped the steering wheel.

  ‘Lulu, can I ask you something?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Lulu sat up. ‘What?’

  ‘Do you love him?’

  Suddenly those words took Victoria back somewhere ugly. Being in the car, with Lulu, a screech. Do you love him? It triggered something. It was bringing back powerful feelings and her palms felt sweaty on the steering wheel. She let out a sob.

  ‘Victoria? Sweetheart, don’t worry. Calm down. We’re nearly home.’ Lulu was rubbing her back, telling her to pull into their drive, soothing her. Had she asked Lulu that question just before the crash – or, worse, had Lulu asked her?

  11 Victoria

  ‘Coo-ee! How is everybody?’

  A woman in tight navy jeans with a fitted blue-and-white-striped blouse and skyscraper heels clipped confidently into the kitchen. She was carrying a Tupperware box. Inside, Victoria could see, was a row of perfectly-iced cupcakes, magazine cover cupcakes with swirly lilac icing and silver balls. Lulu followed the woman in. James was at work in Brighton and the kids were back at school. It was three weeks since the accident. She was alone in the house with Lulu, who had popped round ‘just in case you need me’, as Zoe – her ‘friend’ – was coming around.

  ‘Zoe, remember the doctors have said Vicky can’t handle too much stress?’ frowned Lulu. Lulu really emphasised ‘stress’. Victoria wanted to giggle. Lulu was being very protective.

  ‘Vicky? Who’s that?’ she screwed up her nose. ‘Course sweet pea, only kidding.’ Zoe grinned, there was an accent there. Was it South African? She placed the box on the table – ‘these little beauties are totally fat-free!’ – then immediately rushed over to Victoria and embraced her in a big hug. Victoria was enveloped in a cloying smell of jasmine. ‘Sweetie! I was beside myself! I called your mobile, I messaged you, I sent you FaceTime requests, I checked your Insta account, but zilch!’ She sat down with a thump on the chair next to her and placed a large pink leather handbag on the table. The clasp was just like the one on Victoria’s bag. It was ghastly.

  ‘Well, I was in hospital, couldn’t use my phone,’ Victoria began, ‘in fact I didn’t even recognise my phone, I don’t recognise—’ She stopped short of saying ‘you’, as this woman was clearly someone very familiar with her.

  ‘I was so worried, but your dear sister here messaged me about you and told me not to worry, but I so did!’ She squeezed Victoria’s knee.

  ‘Cup of tea, coffee, Zoe? Or maybe just a glass of water?’ Lulu was standing by the kettle, hand on hip; the mannerism reminded Victoria of their late mother.

  ‘Darling, I’ll have one of those Italian coffees, from that darling machine.’

  ‘We don’t have a machine.’

  ‘Yes, you do, sweetie,’ she got up and pulled her blouse down. ‘Right here, ya? You’ve got every gadget!’ She clipped over to a cupboard at the back of the kitchen and opened a door, pulled out the coffee maker, then plonked it next to the kettle. ‘Voila!’

  ‘Right,’ Lulu muttered, and turned it on. It started to roar into action, making a noise like a Boeing 747 was about to take off. Eventually the dreadful noise stopped.

  ‘Tell me all about the terrible accident.’ Zoe had somehow found three plates and she clipped back to her seat, put the plates down and looked sorrowfully at her. Victoria didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  ‘Zoe, listen, I well, I know this might sound a bit strange, but I can’t really remember—’

  ‘The accident? No well, that’s not unusual. I’ve read about these things.’

  ‘She doesn’t know who you are,’ Lulu cut in as she placed two mugs of coffee on the table.

  ‘Sorry?’ Zoe had a cupcake in her hand. She hesitated, batting her unusually long eyelashes at them. The silver balls on the top of the cake gleamed in the kitchen light.

  ‘It’s called retrograde amnesia,’ explained Lulu, ‘and a lot of Victoria’s memory has been lost from before the accident. The last thing Victoria remembers is that her twins were about ten.’

  ‘Sweet Jesus!’ Zoe’s hand flew to her mouth. ‘Really?’ She swept some hair off her face.

  ‘It’s been awful.’ Victoria took a sip of coffee and stared at Zoe’s dark blue fingernails clutching the little paper wrapper on the cupcake. She felt a wave of tiredness again. She just wanted to lie down, wake up and remember her life.

  ‘Are you alright, Victoria?’ Lulu asked and put a hand on her shoulder behind her. ‘I’m just going to get something from the car.’

  ‘God that must be awful,’ Zoe placed her cake down and frowned. ‘You really can’t remember stuff from before the accident?’

  ‘Not for about five, maybe six years before, no. And bits before that are sketchy too. Like I can remember the day the twins were born, but I can’t remember my actual wedding day.’ Had this Zoe been there? She took a deep breath. ‘Life has moved on. But I haven’t.’

  ‘You poor thing.’ Then Zoe leant in closer and quickly glanced behind her shoulder: ‘And do you remember “Andy”?’ She did that funny inverted comma thing with her fingers.

  Who? What? Victoria could feel a flash of something, but it was very loose, a memory trying to come to the surface. Wine. Laughing. It was very vague.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Well, look, sweetheart,’ Zoe leant in closer. Victoria could see huge clumps of mascara on her lashes and a thick layer of foundation. ‘Because—’

  ‘Everything alright?’ Lulu placed a bag of shopping on the table in front of them. ‘You look washed out, Victoria, remember what the doctor said?’

  ‘I know, I know.’

  ‘Zoe, I think Victoria needs to rest now, OK? If you don’t mind—’

  ‘Yes, of
course,’ Zoe scraped her chair back and got up, adjusted her bra straps under her blouse. ‘Well, look, you call me if you need anything, OK? And enjoy the cupcakes. How about the gym soon? I’ll pick you up.’

  ‘The gym? Oh, I don’t think so.’

  Zoe yanked her handbag over her shoulder and turned to look at Victoria and smiled. ‘Look, we’ll just go for coffee, sweetie – check out the eye candy, eh?’ She winked at her. ‘Like we used to. Maybe it will trigger some memories.’ She leant in for a hug on the way out, and whispered in her ear – ‘I need to speak to you.’ Her necklace clanked against Victoria’s cheek as Zoe leant over awkwardly. It was like embracing a stranger at a wedding. It felt all wrong. She heard Lulu let Zoe out. Victoria suddenly felt like a tonne of bricks had been placed across her chest. She put her head in her hands at the kitchen table and sighed as Lulu came back in. ‘Oh God, Lulu, what happened? I’ve missed so much. I’ve changed so much, or at least that’s what people seem to think.’

  Lulu sat down next to her and put a hand on her knee. ‘We’ve all changed.’ There was something so sad about how she said it that Victoria looked up.

  ‘Tell me.’

  Lulu glanced at her then carried on. ‘Well, I wanted to change the world, remember? Go on stage – and now? It’s sheep at children’s parties.’ She smiled but her lips were wonky; it didn’t reach her eyes.