Everything Has Changed

by kendra Smith

  ‘How you bearing up?’ Markie whispers into the silence.

  ‘I’ve been better.’

  I glance at my sister in the rear-view mirror – she’s biting her nails, staring out the window. Markie turns onto an even smaller farm track and we bump along a bit further. It’s a small private road and the farm is up in the distance, lights on at the window. I came to a party here once, with Rich, my ‘first love’ – when I was eighteen and on the back of a motorbike. When we got here it was full of drunks, people smoking weed, not my scene at all. We’d split up soon after that.

  I look up at the sky. It’s like someone has cut out a circle in the navy heavens and let a torch shine through. I can make out the empty fields on either side of us, waiting to be fertilized, before they spring into life with crops. It’s peaceful here, not like the turmoil of emotions running through my brain. I can’t quite believe what I did. And yet the sense of relief is enormous. It’s like I’ve been wearing a jacket with a thousand weights in it and suddenly I feel lighter. And I know I’ve hurt Simon, I’ve really, really hurt him, but standing there, looking down the aisle at my future, and then at Markie. My heart skips without warning. What have I done?

  ‘It wasn’t like I planned it,’ I lean towards Markie and whisper. ‘I just couldn’t—’ I cough. ‘I couldn’t go through with it.’ I shift in my seat. The cotton nightdress feels flimsy against the vinyl of the seat. I’m grateful for Markie’s coat, which he handed me before we got in. I pull it across my lap. We pull up next to some cars. Blue flashing lights are casting an eerie glow over the field and hedgerows, as if we’ve arrived at a music festival too late. I can see a car on its side by the ditch and my stomach lurches.

  ‘Over there!’ gasps Victoria. ‘Look at the car! It’s in the ditch. Hurry, Markie.’ Victoria’s voice is urgent from the back.

  When we pull up, two figures are huddled in blankets by the side of the road. James slams his door shut and goes over to talk to the police.

  ‘Is Izzy alright?’ I can hear Victoria, panicky, her feet on the gravelly road as she walks purposefully towards one of the figures, then sobbing as she takes one of them in her arms: Izzy. There are paramedics next to them and they usher over James. The four of them are huddled together. The other figure stands alone. I peer towards them and can just make out the face: Bella. What was it Victoria told me she’d heard Jake say about Izzy’s new friend? ‘Bad vibe.’

  The air is freezing around my face as my breath billows out. Markie is standing next to me, his hands in his pockets; he turns to me. ‘This is going to be hard for your sister, Lulu. I wonder what got into Izzy? I presume you told her? About your accident? About what you told me?’

  I whisper it as I am too ashamed to admit it even to myself. ‘No.’

  Markie shifts from one foot to the other. ‘Lulu, for feck’s sake,’ he hisses, ‘she needs to know. Especially after something like this – it will shake her up again,’ he whispers now, scraping the toe of his shoe in the gravel.

  ‘I know, I know, Markie, but—’

  ‘You’ve got to tell her,’ his voice is exasperated in the dark. Then he turns to me: ‘I don’t know what you’re hiding from, or what you’re running away from, Lulu, but you need to talk to her.’

  I nod in the dark. ‘I’m just so confused at the moment. There’s more to it than— look. I—’ But I can’t explain this to him. Especially not tonight. There’s a silence for a while and I look at his face, lit up by the moon. At his square jaw, and then he touches me briefly on my upper arm.

  ‘Sorry I got angry. It’ll be alright.’ He says it into the night, almost to himself as well as me.

  34 Victoria

  Victoria sat, clenching the seat with her nails, a silver blanket wrapped around her shoulder, and bumped along the rough track to the main road in the back of the ambulance. James was sitting next to Izzy on the bench, a paramedic holding Izzy’s wrist, taking her oxygen levels with a little clip on her finger.

  ‘She’s at 97 per cent, mate,’ he shouted to the driver.

  The first paramedic looked at both Vicky and James. ‘She’s fine, but we need to take her to A&E to get checked over, few scans, it’s a matter of course with an RTA.’

  Victoria nodded mutely. Being back in an ambulance was making her shiver. James’s face was unreadable as he sat, his tie askew, his arms protectively around Izzy, whose eyes were closed. Victoria took in the lines of her beautiful daughter: the angle of her cheek, the curve of her neck, and wanted to pick her up and carry her away from all this mess. Her hair was in a tangle, and her mascara was running in little black rivers down her cheek; she hoped the paramedic was right. What had she been thinking? To get in the car with Bella who’d been drinking, and for a dare? Was it because Victoria had been so absent? Why did she feel she needed to prove herself? What had happened to her strong, sure-footed Izzy? The one who had told the boys to ‘get lost’ at nursery school when they tried to pull up her dress. The Izzy who had told Victoria she wanted to be ‘the doctor for the animals’ when she grew up after they’d had to get their hamster put down, because she was sure she’d have been able to save Nibbles. Who now, as far as Victoria could remember – blast her memory – still wanted to be a vet.

  Once they got to the hospital, things happened fast. Izzy was taken away from them for a scan and she and James sat on the cold plastic chairs, waiting for news. Lulu was outside in the car park in Markie’s van, waiting to take them home. Tentatively, James put his hand on top of hers for a brief second, then pulled it away. ‘She’ll be fine.’

  ‘You don’t know that.’

  ‘I do. She takes after you.’

  Victoria allowed herself a smile in that cold corridor with the linoleum flooring and bright strip lights. She was grateful that James had briefly showed solidarity, because when it came to their children, despite all their differences, despite the chasm that had opened up between them, there is an unwritten rule in parenting: you will be strong for them, you will unite.

  After what seemed an eternity, and two dreadful vending machine coffees, a doctor in a white coat walked towards them. He had a pink tie, loosely knotted underneath the white coat, brown hair with white temples. The bags under his eyes suggested that he was on a long shift. Had many more patients to see. ‘You’re Izzy’s parents?’ he said softly, and they nodded.

  ‘She’s fine. She had quite a lot of alcohol in her bloodstream, but nothing else.’ He glanced at his notes. ‘No drugs.’

  Victoria hadn’t even thought of that. She gasped. Poor Izzy.

  ‘We’ve put her through the MRI, everything is fine. I expect she’ll just feel weary. Might be a bit of bruising across her abdomen from the seatbelt, but they weren’t going very fast. It was lucky she was wearing her seatbelt. Even at twenty miles per hour you can do damage.’

  ‘Thank you, doctor.’ They had wanted to keep her in, but pressure on beds meant there hadn’t been space. Victoria and James assured the doctor they would watch her.

  ‘If you have any concerns, call us. Any vomiting, if she passes out, that kind of thing. Headaches.’ And then he was gone. Onto the next patient in his twelve-hour shift, requiring Herculean strength and caffeine to get through.

  Standing in her shiny kitchen at 2 a.m. Victoria stared at her reflection in the kettle. She saw a woman with wild brunette hair escaping a bun and dark circles under her eyes. Izzy, James and Lulu were in the lounge and she was making Earl Grey tea for Lulu, hot chocolate for Izzy and had poured a large gin and tonic for James – who had been stony-faced as he opened the front door to let everyone in. Poor Izzy had been mostly silent on the way back but had mumbled sorry a few times as Victoria shushed her, cradled under her arm in the back seat. Markie had waited patiently in his van at the hospital with Lulu, and had just dropped them all off on the doorstep, and sped away hurriedly, even though James had asked him to come in. Markie had offered to carry on and take Lulu back to the hotel but Lulu said she couldn’t face going
back there in case she bumped into Simon or Marjory – who could have stolen a butter knife and might stab her. That raised a tiny smile from James, but other than that he’d been silent; Jake would be safe there with their dad overnight, so Victoria had agreed.

  ‘Here you go.’ Victoria placed the steaming mug of hot chocolate on the table in front of Izzy and then rested her hand on Izzy’s cheek. Izzy looked up at her – her bravado had evaporated like steam from the kettle, and in its place was a glimmer of her little girl again. She and Lulu were snuggled up on the couch under a blanket while James turned on a few lights around the room.

  ‘I don’t want to start by sounding like a Victorian dad, Izzy,’ he said pacing the room like a Victorian dad, ‘but you might have killed yourself, you know.’ Victoria glanced at him and he looked away. She knew he was worried about bringing up the car accident in front of her, but she also knew Izzy would listen to him.

  Izzy took a sip of hot chocolate. With her make-up-less face, her red eyes peeping out from under a blanket, she looked about ten years old. ‘I’m really, really sorry,’ she sniffed. Victoria wanted to rush over and hold her and tell her not to worry, but she knew James was right. Izzy had to understand what she’d done was wrong.

  ‘But, but it wasn’t my fault.’ She was twisting a strand of hair around her finger.

  ‘I think leaving the hotel and going to that party without telling anyone was kind of your fault, don’t you think?’ James said, sitting down on a chair with a thump. He folded his leg over and sat with his legs crossed in the armchair looking at his daughter, as if searching for clues. He’d grabbed one of Jake’s hoodies in the kitchen as he was cold, and the sleeves were halfway up his arms. It made him look more adorable than ever.

  Izzy started to cry. Lulu put both her arms around her.

  ‘Hey, darling.’ It was James. ‘You must remember, we still love you, everything is OK,’ he said softly, leaning forward and placing his elbows on his thighs.

  How was he being so cool? The James-dad she remembered would not have been cool with this at all.

  ‘I’m really, really sorry. But, well, I did WhatsApp you guys, but you were busy in the bar,’ Izzy sniffed, ‘and you know – with all the confusion—’ she looked sideways at Lulu ‘—I just thought I’d get out of there. Too messy.’ She shrugged. ‘Plus I’d already had some vodka, so maybe I wasn’t making the best decisions.’

  ‘I’ll kill that barman!’ James whispered.

  ‘It wasn’t from the bar, it was my fault.’ It was Lulu. ‘Izzy helped me with my wedding make-up and, well, we were having some pre-wedding drinks, having a laugh,’ she grimaced.

  ‘A laugh, Lulu? Vodka?’ James stared at her with his mouth open.

  ‘Sorry, sorry.’ Lulu shook her head and slid under the blanket.

  ‘Anyway,’ James carried on, ‘Izzy, what were you doing in the car with Bella, she can barely drive, she’s only just started lessons.’

  Izzy shrugged. ‘S’pose I just wanted to prove I could.’

  ‘Could what?’ James asked.

  ‘Could do it!’ Izzy raised her voice and then her lip quivered. ‘They were all chanting at me, it was doing my head in, I just—’

  ‘It’s OK, Izzy,’ Victoria said gently.

  ‘They’re always teasing me. You haven’t noticed have you? I don’t belong with the cool kids, but Bella sort of took me under her wing and it felt good. Except sometimes,’ Izzy screwed up her nose, ‘she can make me feel crap, too.’ Izzy faltered, as if reflecting on this for the first time. ‘I mean, she says things like as if she’s my friend, and then somehow I find myself doing things I wish I hadn’t. Like just now.’

  ‘Go on.’ James’s voice was soft.

  Victoria’s mind flashed to Jake telling her about the WhatsApp group at school where Izzy was called ‘Spot-face’ – Mrs Jennifer had left her a message a few days ago and said that the admin on that group was Bella. With all the wedding hiatus, Victoria hadn’t done anything about it. But now, if she could get her hands on those kids – especially Bella – she’d wring their necks.

  ‘Well tonight, she said, “I bet you won’t come with me in my car, will you, you’re too chicken scared. Your mum had an accident so you probably won’t, you’re too much of a baby.” And I’m like, no, you’re not going to get to me like that. So I went. I said, “Sure, I don’t care.” But,’ Izzy said with a sigh, ‘I do care, I mean—’ She shrugged. ‘I thought she would be OK. She knew the roads, it’s, like, her farm. And the others – they were cheering me on. It was sort of good-bad to be in the gang.’ She wiped away a tear as Lulu hugged her close.

  ‘What else?’ Lulu said.

  ‘Well, I felt this good vibe – for a bit. I felt popular, like I could be one of them. They were looking at me, seeing if I could do it,’ she said, then lowered her head, adding, ‘I know it’s crazy.’

  ‘It is crazy, honey,’ Victoria ventured, ‘but it’s understandable. But do you really want to be with people who make you feel rubbish, who get you to do things you don’t want?’

  Izzy shook her head.

  ‘Sweetheart, you need to realise that Bella is not “cool”, she’s cruel,’ James added.

  Izzy pressed her lips together and pulled the blanket closer. With her smeared eyeliner, she looked like a baby panda peeping out from behind the blanket as Victoria’s heart melted.

  ‘Hey, remember in nursery, when you were little, you told those boys to “get lost”? When they pulled up your dress?’ Victoria came and sat on the edge of the sofa next to her and placed a hand gently on top of her head.

  A small smile lurked on the edge of Izzy’s mouth. ‘Yeah, yeah, I do.’

  ‘You have to be that girl. The one who says, “get lost”.’ She took a deep breath. ‘It’s not just crazy, it’s – well, a bit stupid to get in the car with Bella. I mean, she’d been drinking, hadn’t she?’ Victoria remembered what the police officer had said. The breathalyser. They’d said there were no charges to be placed on Izzy, but that they were going to have a serious word with Bella’s parents about allowing her access to the car when she was not only without a licence to drive it alone, but had been drinking. They were pretty sure it would affect her chances of ever getting a licence.

  ‘Stupid? Yeah, well, we all make mistakes Mum, even you.’ She shot her a quick look. The fiery teenager was back.

  ‘Of course we do, sweetheart, I know, but to mix drinking and driving – I mean—’

  ‘Why don’t you ask Aunty Lulu?’ Izzy nodded to Lulu next to her, who had been remarkably quiet.

  ‘Ask her about drinking and driving.’ Izzy sat up, and moved away from Lulu.

  ‘Izzy,’ Lulu said quietly, picking at the edge of the blanket. ‘Not now. I will tell your mum, but—’

  ‘Izzy, we’ve all had a long day,’ James’s voice of reason started, ‘I don’t think—’

  ‘She pulled the steering wheel in your car when you had your accident, Mum! Ask her.’ Izzy stared at her then pulled her shoulders back.

  ‘Izzy, don’t be silly,’ Victoria found herself saying as she looked at her sister for confirmation that it wasn’t true. ‘How would you know that?’

  ‘Coz I overheard Aunty Lulu confess to Grandad – didn’t I? They didn’t know I was there. I was in my bedroom and they were standing outside, whispering.’ And with that she burst into tears.

  ‘Izzy, darling, why don’t you get ready for bed? It’s been a very long day. Mum will come up, OK?’ James stood in front of her and held out his hand. Izzy nodded mutely, took his hand and quietly left the room with a glance back to Lulu. A silence filled the space as Izzy left.

  ‘It’s true,’ Lulu whispered quietly, looking back and forth from her to James once he was sitting down again. ‘I did. I never for a moment meant to hurt anyone, you have to believe me, but—’ She looked at Victoria with red-rimmed eyes. ‘I was stupid, really stupid and I haven’t had the guts to tell you. I – I don’t blame you if you hate me,
because you know what? I kind of hate myself at the moment.’ Tears were streaming down her cheek.

  Victoria studied her younger sister with a blanket pulled tightly around her and her heart went out to her. She moved closer to her on the couch and put her arm around her. She was glad she hadn’t married Simon, she was glad she finally knew why the accident had happened the way it did. She realised she didn’t blame her at all. She was her sister. Careless, drunk maybe, needed help, definitely, but she hadn’t done it on purpose, had she?

  ‘I’d been drinking,’ shrugged Lulu, ‘at the Wedding Fayre, and it all got too much, the chat about the dresses, the flowers, the pressure, and Marjory telling me what food I should have and Simon’s voice going round and round in my head, that I had to get things right – oh, God, just everything.’ Lulu swept some hair off her face. ‘And I was so wound up about it all, I wanted to scream, but I didn’t. Instead, I just drank – all that free prosecco, I just wanted to blur the lines, remove myself from reality, fudge the edges – you know? And then, in the car, when that car was coming towards us, when those lights were blinding us, I pulled the wheel because I thought you were going the wrong way, I was trying to get you to avoid it.’ She looked up at Victoria. ‘Only, it made it worse.’

  ‘Lulu, I can’t remember what happened – that car came into our lane because of the deer, that’s what the police said, that there would have been no way of avoiding it. Look, it’s OK. I don’t hate you, Lulu, I love you,’ she said, rubbing her back gently. ‘I have and will always love you – you’re my family, my little sister – I mean, and anyway,’ she found herself saying, ‘I’m glad we had the accident.’