In a Steamer Chair and Other Stories

by Robert Barr

  "Yes, sir. I shall call the deck steward, sir."

  "Now, notice that. You see the rascals never interfere with each other. The deck steward wants a fee, and the smoking-room steward wants a fee, and each one attends strictly to his own business, and doesn't interfere with the possible fees of anybody else."

  "Well," said Miss Earle, "is not that the correct way? If things are to be well done, that is how they should be done. Now, just notice how much more artistically the deck steward arranged these rugs than you did yesterday morning. I think it is worth a good fee to be wrapped up so comfortably as that."

  "I guess I'll take lessons from the deck steward then, and even if I do not get a fee, I may perhaps get some gratitude at least."

  "Gratitude? Why, you should think it a privilege."

  "Well, Miss Earle, to tell the truth, I do. It is a privilege that - I hope you will not think I am trying to flatter you when I say - any man might be proud of."

  "Oh, dear," replied the young lady, laughing, "I did not mean it in that way at all. I meant that it was a privilege to be allowed to practise on those particular rugs. Now, a man should remember that he undertakes a very great responsibility when he volunteers to place the rugs around a lady on a steamer chair. He may make her look very neat and even pretty by a nice disposal of the rugs, or he may make her look like a horrible bundle."

  "Well, then, I think I was not such a failure after all yesterday morning, for you certainly looked very neat and pretty."

  "Then, if I did, Mr. Morris, do not flatter yourself it was at all on account of your disposal of the rugs, for the moment you had left a very handsome young lady came along, and, looking at me, said, with such a pleasant smile, 'Why, what a pretty rug you have there; but how the steward has bungled it about you! Let me fix it,' and with that she gave it a touch here and a smooth down there, and the result was really so nice that I hated to go down to breakfast. It is a pity you went away so quickly yesterday morning. You might have had an opportunity of becoming acquainted with the lady, who is, I think, the prettiest girl on board this ship."

  "Do you?" said Mr. Morris, shortly.

  "Yes, I do. Have you noticed her? She sits over there at the long table near the centre. You must have seen her; she is so very, very pretty, that you cannot help noticing her."

  "I am not looking after pretty women this voyage," said Morris, savagely.

  "Oh, are you not? Well, I must thank you for that. That is evidently a very sincere compliment. No, I can't call it a compliment, but a sincere remark, I think the first sincere one you have made to-day."

  "Why, what do you mean?" said Morris, looking at her in a bewildered sort of way.

  "You have been looking after me this morning, have you not, and yesterday morning? And taking ever so much pains to be helpful and entertaining, and now, all at once you say - Well, you know what you said just now."

  "Oh yes. Well, you see - "

  "Oh, you can't get out of it, Mr. Morris. It was said, and with evident sincerity."

  "Then you really think you are pretty?" said Mr. Morris, looking at his companion, who flushed under the remark.

  "Ah, now," she said, "you imagine you are carrying the war into the enemy's country. But I don't at all appreciate a remark like that. I don't know but I dislike it even more than I do your compliments, which is saying a good deal."

  "I assure you," said Morris, stiffly, "that I have not intended to pay any compliments. I am not a man who pays compliments."

  "Not even left-handed ones?"

  "Not even any kind, that I know of. I try as a general thing to speak the truth."

  "Ah, and shame your hearers?"

  "Well, I don't care who I shame as long as I succeed in speaking the truth."

  "Very well, then; tell me the truth. Have you noticed this handsome young lady I speak of?"

  "Yes, I have seen her."

  "Don't you think she is very pretty?"

  "Yes, I think she is."

  "Don't you think she is the prettiest woman on the ship?"

  "Yes, I think she is."

  "Are you afraid of pretty women?"

  "No, I don't think I am."

  "Then, tell me why, the moment she appeared on the deck yesterday morning, you were so much agitated that you spilled most of my coffee in the saucer?"

  "Did I appear agitated?" asked Morris, with some hesitation.

  "Now, I consider that sort of thing worse than a direct prevarication."

  "What sort of thing?"

  "Why, a disingenuous answer. You know you appeared agitated. You know you were agitated. You know you had a camp-stool, and that you intended to sit down here and drink your coffee. All at once you changed your mind, and that change was coincident with the appearance on deck of the handsome young lady I speak of. I merely ask why?"

  "Now, look here, Miss Earle, even the worst malefactor is not expected to incriminate himself. I can refuse to answer, can I not?"

  "Certainly you may. You may refuse to answer anything, if you like. It was only because you were boasting about speaking the truth that I thought I should test your truth-telling qualities. I have been expecting every moment that you would say to me I was very impertinent, and that it was no business of mine, which would have been quite true. There, you see, you had a beautiful chance of speaking the truth which you let slip entirely unnoticed. But there is the breakfast gong. Now, I must confess to being very hungry indeed. I think I shall go down into the saloon."

  "Please take my arm, Miss Earle," said the young man.

  "Oh, not at all," replied that young lady; "I want something infinitely more stable. I shall work my way along this brass rod until I can make a bolt for the door. If you want to make yourself real useful, go and stand on the stairway, or the companion-way I think you call it, and if I come through the door with too great force you'll prevent me from going down the stairs."

  "'Who ran to help me when I fell,'" quoted Mr. Morris, as he walked along ahead of her, having some difficulty in maintaining his equilibrium.

  "I wouldn't mind the falling," replied the young lady, "if you only would some pretty story tell; but you are very prosaic, Mr. Morris. Do you ever read anything at all?"

  "I never read when I have somebody more interesting than a book to talk to."

  "Oh, thank you. Now, if you will get into position on the stairway, I shall make my attempts at getting to the door."

  "I feel like a base-ball catcher," said Morris, taking up a position somewhat similar to that of the useful man behind the bat.

  Miss Earle, however, waited until the ship was on an even keel, then walked to the top of the companion-way, and, deftly catching up the train of her dress with as much composure as if she were in a ballroom, stepped lightly down the stairway. Looking smilingly over her shoulder at the astonished baseball catcher, she said -

  "I wish you would not stand in that ridiculous attitude, but come and accompany me to the breakfast table. As I told you, I am very hungry."

  The steamer gave a lurch that nearly precipitated Morris down the stairway, and the next moment he was by her side.

  "Are you fond of base-ball?" she said to him.

  "You should see me in the park when our side makes a home run. Do you like the game?"

  "I never saw a game in my life."

  "What! you an American girl, and never saw a game of base-ball? Why, I am astonished."

  "I did not say that I was an American girl."

  "Oh, that's a fact. I took you for one, however."

  They were both of them so intent on their conversation in walking up the narrow way between the long table and the short ones, that neither of them noticed the handsome blonde young lady standing beside her chair looking at them. It was only when that young lady said, "Why, Mr. Morris, is this you?" and when that gentleman jumped as if a cannon had been fired beside him, that either of them noticed their fair fellow-traveller.

  "Y - es," stammered Morris, "it is!"

  T
he young lady smiled sweetly and held out her hand, which Morris took in an awkward way.

  "I was just going to ask you," she said, "when you came aboard. How ridiculous that would have been. Of course, you have been here all the time. Isn't it curious that we have not met each other? - we of all persons in the world."

  Morris, who had somewhat recovered his breath, looked steadily at her as she said this, and her eyes, after encountering his gaze for a moment, sank to the floor.

  Miss Earle, who had waited for a moment expecting that Morris would introduce her, but seeing that he had for the time being apparently forgotten everything on earth, quietly left them, and took her place at the breakfast table. The blonde young lady looked up again at Mr. Morris, and said -

  "I am afraid I am keeping you from breakfast."

  "Oh, that doesn't matter."

  "I am afraid, then," she continued sweetly, "that I am keeping you from your very interesting table companion."

  "Yes, that does matter," said Morris, looking at her. "I wish you good morning, madam." And with that he left her and took his place at the head of the small table.

  There was a vindictive look in the blonde young lady's pretty eyes as she sank into her own seat at the breakfast table.

  Miss Earle had noticed the depressing effect which even the sight of the blonde lady exercised on Morris the day before, and she looked forward, therefore, to rather an uncompanionable breakfast. She was surprised, however, to see that Morris had an air of jaunty joviality, which she could not help thinking was rather forced.

  "Now," he said, as he sat down on the sofa at the head of the table, "I think it's about time for us to begin our chutney fight."

  "Our what?" asked the young lady, looking up at him with open eyes.

  "Is it possible," he said, "that you have crossed the ocean and never engaged in the chutney fight? I always have it on this line."

  "I am sorry to appear so ignorant," said Miss Earle, "but I have to confess I do not know what chutney is."

  "I am glad of that," returned the young man. "It delights me to find in your nature certain desert spots - certain irreclaimable lands, I might say - of ignorance."

  "I do not see why a person should rejoice in the misfortunes of another person," replied the young lady.

  "Oh, don't you? Why, it is the most natural thing in the world. There is nothing that we so thoroughly dislike as a person, either lady or gentleman, who is perfect. I suspect you rather have the advantage of me in the reading of books, but I certainly have the advantage of you on chutney, and I intend to make the most of it."

  "I am sure I shall be very glad to be enlightened, and to confess my ignorance whenever it is necessary, and that, I fear, will be rather often. So, if our acquaintance continues until the end of the voyage, you will be in a state of perpetual delight."

  "Well, that's encouraging. You will be pleased to learn that chutney is a sauce, an Indian sauce, and on this line somehow or other they never have more than one or two bottles. I do not know whether it is very expensive. I presume it is. Perhaps it is because there is very little demand for it, a great number of people not knowing what chutney is."

  "Thank you," said the young lady, "I am glad to find that I am in the majority, at least, even in the matter of ignorance."

  "Well, as I was saying, chutney is rather a seductive sauce. You may not like it at first, but it grows on you. You acquire, as it were, the chutney habit. An old Indian traveller, whom I had the pleasure of crossing with once, and who sat at the same table with me, demanded chutney. He initiated me into the mysteries of chutney, and he had a chutney fight all the way across."

  "I still have to confess that I do not see what there is to fight about in the matter of chutney."

  "Don't you? Well, you shall soon have a practical illustration of the terrors of a chutney fight. Steward," called Morris, "just bring me a bottle of chutney, will you?"

  "Chutney, air?" asked the steward, as if he had never heard the word before.

  "Yes, chutney. Chutney sauce."

  "I am afraid, sir," said the steward, "that we haven't any chutney sauce."

  "Oh yes, you have. I see a bottle there on the captain's table. I think there is a second bottle at the smaller table. Just two doors up the street. Have the kindness to bring it to me."

  The steward left for the chutney, and Morris looking after him, saw that there was some discussion between him and the steward of the other table. Finally, Morris's steward came back and said, "I am very sorry, sir, but they are using the chutney at that table."

  "Now look here, steward," said Morris, "you know that you are here to take care of us, and that at the end of the voyage I will take care of you. Don't make any mistake about that. You understand me?"

  "Yes, sir, I do," said the steward. "Thank you, sir."

  "All right," replied Morris. "Now you understand that I want chutney, and chutney I am going to have."

  Steward number one waited until steward number two had disappeared after another order, and then he deftly reached over, took the chutney sauce, and placed it before Mr. Morris.

  "Now, Miss Earle, I hope that you will like this chutney sauce. You see there is some difficulty in getting it, and that of itself ought to be a strong recommendation for it."

  "It is a little too hot to suit me," answered the young lady, trying the Indian sauce, "still, there is a pleasant flavour about it that I like."

  "Oh, you are all right," said Morris, jauntily; "you will be a victim of the chutney habit before two days. People who dislike it at first are its warmest advocates afterwards. I use the word warmest without any allusion to the sauce itself, you know. I shall now try some myself."

  As he looked round the table for the large bottle, he saw that it had been whisked away by steward number two, and now stood on the other table. Miss Earle laughed.

  "Oh, I shall have it in a moment," said the young man.

  "Do you think it is worth while?"

  "Worth while? Why, that is the excitement of a chutney fight. It is not that we care for chutney at all, but that we simply are bound to have it. If there were a bottle of chutney at every table, the delights of chutney would be gone. Steward," said Morris, as that functionary appeared, "the chutney, please."

  The steward cast a rapid glance at the other table, and waited until steward number two had disappeared. Then Morris had his chutney. Steward number two, seeing his precious bottle gone, tried a second time to stealthily obtain possession of it, but Morris said to him in a pleasant voice, "That's all right, steward, we are through with the chutney. Take it along, please. So that," continued Mr. Morris, as Miss Earle rose from the table, "that is your first experience of a chutney fight - one of the delights of ocean travel."

  Fourth Day

  Mr. George Morris began to find his "early coffees," as he called them, very delightful. It was charming to meet a pretty and entertaining young lady every morning early when they had the deck practically to themselves. The fourth day was bright and clear, and the sea was reasonably calm. For the first time he was up earlier than Miss Earle, and he paced the deck with great impatience, waiting for her appearance. He wondered who and what she was. He had a dim, hazy idea that some time before in his life, he had met her, and probably had been acquainted with her. What an embarrassing thing it would be, he thought, if he had really known her years before, and had forgotten her, while she knew who he was, and had remembered him. He thought of how accurately she had guessed his position in life - if it was a guess. He remembered that often, when he looked at her, he felt certain he had known her and spoken to her before. He placed the two steamer chairs in position, so that Miss Earle's chair would be ready for her when she did appear, and then, as he walked up and down the deck waiting for her, he began to wonder at himself. If any one had told him when he left New York that, within three or four days he could feel such an interest in a person who previous to that time had been an utter stranger to him, he would have laughed scornf
ully and bitterly at the idea. As it was, when he thought of all the peculiar circumstances of the case, he laughed aloud, but neither scornfully nor bitterly.

  "You must be having very pleasant thoughts, Mr. Morris," said Miss Earle, as she appeared with a bright shawl thrown over her shoulders, instead of the long cloak that had encased her before, and with a Tam o' Shanter set jauntily on her black, curly hair.

  "You are right," said Morris, taking off his cap, "I was thinking of you."

  "Oh, indeed," replied the young lady, "that's why you laughed, was it? I may say that I do not relish being laughed at in my absence, or in my presence either, for that matter."

  "Oh, I assure you I wasn't laughing at you. I laughed with pleasure to see you come on deck. I have been waiting for you."

  "Now, Mr. Morris, that from a man who boasts of his truthfulness is a little too much. You did not see me at all until I spoke; and if, as you say, you were thinking of me, you will have to explain that laugh."

  "I will explain it before the voyage is over, Miss Earle. I can't explain it just now."

  "Ah, then you admit you were untruthful when you said you laughed because you saw me?"

  "I may as well admit it. You seem to know things intuitively. I am not nearly as truthful a person as I thought I was until I met you. You seem the very embodiment of truth. If I had not met you, I imagine I should have gone through life thinking myself one of the most truthful men in New York."

  "Perhaps that would not be saying very much for yourself," replied the young lady, as she took her place in the steamer chair.

  "I am sorry you have such a poor opinion of us New Yorkers," said the young man. "Why are you so late this morning?"

  "I am not late; it is you who are early. This is my usual time. I have been a very punctual person all my life."

  "There you go again, speaking as if you were ever so old."

  "I am."

  "Well, I don't believe it. I wish, however, that you had confidence enough in me to tell me something about yourself. Do you know, I was thinking this morning that I had met you before somewhere? I feel almost certain I have."