The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

by John Gottman

  Let me give you an example of an emotional moment I had with my ten-year-old daughter, Moriah. My wife, Julie, was away for a few weeks on a trek to Nepal, and I was aware that Moriah might be missing her mom. I asked her from time to time, “How are you doing? Are you feeling a little lonely for Mom today?”

  “Nope,” she would usually reply. “I’m okay. I’m just fine.”

  But then, one evening after I told Moriah to get ready for bed, she came downstairs dressed in Julie’s bathrobe.

  If I had been operating in a less mindful mode (which all parents, including me, do from time to time), I might have ignored this gesture or even gotten irritated. “What were you doing in your mother’s closet?” I could have said. “You’re not supposed to get into her things.”

  But because I was watching for a chance to connect emotionally with Moriah, I recognized her behavior as a sign that she was finally ready to talk about her feelings.

  “You’re wearing Mom’s robe,” I said, acknowledging the obvious.

  “Yeah,” she replied, “it’s really nice.”

  “Does it feel kind of comforting to put it on?” I asked.

  “Yeah, it kind of smells like her,” she said. “It’s kind of like she’s here a little bit, so I don’t miss her so much.”

  Julie called on her satellite phone later that night, and although she and Moriah could only talk for two minutes, Moriah seemed happy when she went to bed. As I tucked her in, I said, “I bet Mommy could tell you missed her and put on her robe. That’s why she called. She loves you and she’ll be home soon.”

  Moriah said, “Yeah, I know.”

  You can become a collector of emotional moments by consciously looking for opportunities to connect with others. Doing so allows you to take a proactive role in the development of stable, meaningful relationships. The following exercise, when practiced on a daily basis, is designed to help you fine-tune this skill.

  Exercise: Become a Collector of Emotional Moments

  Many people start the day with certain goals in mind—to exercise, to eat a healthy diet, to meet a performance standard at work, and so on. Try adding this one to your list: “Collect at least three emotional moments.” Then, at the end of the day, look back and see how you did. You may want to write about your moments in your Emotional Log. As you describe them, consider the following questions:

  • Was there a bid for emotional connection? What need was behind that bid?

  • How did you first notice that this person was feeling an emotion? Did this person reveal his or her feelings through words, facial expressions, gestures, or in some other way?

  • What emotion did you perceive this person was feeling? Was it happiness, sadness, anger, fear, contempt, disgust, or some other emotion?

  • What did this person need from you? (Examples: just to be there, to listen, emotional support, understanding, humor, a bit of fun, conversation, etc.)

  • How did you communicate to this person that you understood what he or she was feeling or needing? If you used words, what did you say?

  • How did this person react to your acknowledgment of his or her feelings?

  • What effect do you think your interaction had on this person? On your relationship with this person?

  • What effect did this interaction have on you? On your feelings about yourself?

  • Other insights?

  After a few days of collecting emotional moments, don’t be surprised if you become more mindful in your relationships and if your bonds with others become a bit more emotionally satisfying. Doing this over time could make a big difference.

  2. Starting on a Sour Note

  Have you ever launched a conversation only to wish you could rewind it like videotape and start again? This happened to me recently. It was after dinner and my wife, Julie, had gone downstairs to her office to answer some e-mail. My daughter and I both felt a little disappointed because we’d been looking forward to spending the evening with her.

  So I yelled down the stairs, “Hey, Julie, stop working! It’s family time!”

  My harsh tone put Julie on the defensive, so she answered back in an angry tone. “I can’t! I’ve got to get this done!”

  The result? She felt criticized and misunderstood and I felt more distant from her than when our exchange began.

  Imagine (as I did the next day) how I might have started this conversation with Julie differently. I might have said something like, “Hey, Julie, we miss you. Come upstairs as soon as you can, okay?”

  Instead, our exchange was a classic example of what I call “harsh startup”: You want to connect with somebody, so you make a bid for that connection. But because your bid begins in such a negative, blaming, or critical way, you get just the opposite of what you’re after: You drive the person away.

  Harsh startup can sabotage perfectly valid bids for connection in all sorts of relationships. Take George and his boss, for example. George had been concerned about a whole host of troubles on his job at the warehouse—problems like safety issues and a new vacation policy. But mostly he was worried about a new automated inventory system that would be installed within the year. He and his coworkers wondered how many jobs might be lost as a result. So he decided that the next time he saw the warehouse manager in the lunchroom, he would corner him for answers. Trouble was, George brought up the most contentious issue first—the vacation policy. And he told the boss just exactly what he thought of it—not much. This critical attack made the boss feel defensive, so he told George he didn’t like his “attitude”—a word that always triggered George’s anger. Rather than having a productive conversation, the two men ended up in a heated argument, after which George felt more frustrated and insecure than ever. But imagine how differently the conversation might have gone if he had started the conversation by telling his boss how much he cared about his job and how concerned he was about the impact of automation.

  Then there’s Karen, whose teenage daughter, Courtney, has been running with a new crowd and staying out too late at night. Worried that she’s losing all parental influence, Karen knows she needs to talk with Courtney about the matter. She wants to feel more connected to her daughter, but at breakfast one morning, she starts the bid in a way that automatically raises the girl’s defenses.

  “What time did you get in last night?” she asks in a critical, accusing tone.

  “You know what time I came in,” Courtney says with a sullen stare. “Your bedroom light was still on.”

  “That’s right,” Karen says. “It was two o’clock.”

  “So then why did you ask me?” Courtney replies, obviously baiting her mother—and it works.

  “Don’t use that tone of voice with me,” Karen snaps.

  In just this short exchange, the two have managed to make one another so angry that there’s little hope for any meaningful conversation. Karen never gets a chance to tell her daughter that she’s worried about her and why. And Courtney never gets a chance to tell her mom what’s been happening in her life.

  When bids for connection start on such a negative, blaming, or critical note, it’s fairly easy to predict what will happen next. In fact, my studies of married couples show that 96 percent of the time, you can predict the outcome of a fifteen-minute conversation based on what happens in the first three minutes of that interaction. And if the first three minutes include a lot of negativity, blame, and criticism, the outcome is not going to be very good.

  What’s the solution? One answer is to start your bids on a softer note. The chart below provides some tips, along with examples of harsh startups and soft startups.

  Another solution when things have gone awry is to revisit the episode with that person later on. You can begin by saying something like, “I feel bad about that short conversation we had yesterday. I didn’t handle it very well. So I want to say I’m sorry and I’d like to make things better between us.” Of course, you have to gauge how receptive the other person might be to this. I believe that m
ost friends, siblings, love partners, and kids are responsive to such attempts at fixing failed bids.

  In fact, children often benefit greatly from a parent’s willingness to admit errors. It gives children permission to make mistakes without feeling bad about themselves.

  Colleagues at work may also be open to genuine attempts to repair miscommunication, particularly if you already share a high level of trust. But if your bonds with coworkers aren’t that strong, be cautious. They may or may not view your attempts to revisit and fix the interaction as appropriate.

  3. Using Harmful Criticism Instead of Helpful Complaints

  Conflict is inevitable whenever people come together around common activities or goals. How you express your position in a conflict makes a tremendous difference in your ability to connect with others.

  Here’s the basic rule of thumb: Complain when you must, but don’t criticize. What’s the difference? A complaint focuses on a specific problem, addressing the other person’s behavior, not his or her perceived character flaws. Criticism, on the other hand, is more judgmental and global; it frequently includes such phrases as “you always…” or “you never…” Criticism attacks the other person’s character, often with negative labels or name-calling. It often assigns blame.

  “You said you would deliver the package and you didn’t do it” is a complaint. “You forgot to deliver the package! That’s irresponsible!” is a criticism.

  Complaints can be difficult to say and hear at times. But they’re generally worth the trouble because they help people to understand one another and to solve problems. Criticism, however, does just the opposite. It hurts people’s feelings, leading to increased tension, resentment, and defensiveness in relationships. People don’t communicate well when they feel defensive. They tend to shut out new information. They’re not open to others’ influence. All of this gets in the way of emotional connection.

  4. Flooding

  In troubled relationships, discussions of conflict can trigger intense emotions that sometimes lead to “flooding.” This means you feel so stressed that you become emotionally and physically overwhelmed. You’re no longer able to think clearly, or to participate in the conversation in a fruitful way. You’d rather be anywhere else than right here with this person. Obviously, this reaction gets in the way of sending or receiving bids for emotional connection.

  Physical signs of flooding include a pounding heart, sweaty hands, and irregular or shallow breathing. Rather than focusing on what the other person is saying, your mind races with defensive thoughts like “I can’t handle this anymore,” or “I’ve had just about all of this I can take.” You may feel like an innocent victim, cornered into a conversation from which you just want to flee.

  When you’re in this state of mind, it’s as if you’re not capable of hearing new information or accepting influence. The other person may even make attempts to apologize or placate you, but it’s as if you can’t hear them. Although flooding can happen to anybody in an emotionally intense situation, studies show that it occurs more often among men than among women.

  What’s the best thing to do when you feel flooded? I recommend that you take a break from the conversation and do something that you find soothing for at least twenty minutes. That’s the amount of time it typically takes the body to recover from emotional stress. You might want to read a magazine, watch television, or go for a run. But whatever you do, try to think about something other than the conflict during this break. Don’t focus on thoughts of being righteously indignant or an innocent victim. Doing so is counterproductive and will just maintain your distress. Many people find that it’s helpful to use this time to meditate or to do a relaxation exercise (see below). Once twenty minutes have passed and you feel more relaxed, try to get back to discussing the problem, or schedule another time to discuss it soon.

  Exercise: Relax

  Here are a few simple steps you can take to soothe yourself when you’re feeling emotionally agitated, overwhelmed, or “flooded.”

  1. Sit or lie in a comfortable position.

  2. Close your eyes and think about your breathing. Take several slow, deep breaths, finding a comfortable, regular pace. Ten deep breaths a minute is a good choice.

  3. As you continue to breathe slowly and evenly, mentally scan your body, looking for any areas of tension. The face, jaw, neck, shoulders, and back are common trouble spots. When you find an area that’s tense, deliberately tighten the muscles in that area, hold the tension for a few seconds, and then release them. Do it again—tighten, hold, and release. This will leave your muscles feeling more relaxed than when you began.

  4. Now relax each of those areas of your body by imagining that it’s very heavy. As you envision gravity’s pull, let your muscles relax and let the tension dissipate.

  5. Next, imagine that each of those muscle areas is very warm. Imagine that you’re basking in the sun or sitting near a warm, relaxing fireplace. As you grow warmer, even more tension will flow away.

  6. Continue to relax by envisioning a place that’s especially safe and restful to you. Maybe it’s a warm beach, a quiet mountaintop, or a secluded forest. Stay in this place for a few minutes, noticing the details of your surroundings, enjoying its peace and solitude. Each time you do this exercise, your image of this setting will come more easily to you. Soon, simply thinking of it may help you to automatically relax.

  Exercise: Avoid Emotional Flooding

  You can also take steps to prevent flooding from happening in the first place. This exercise includes questions to ask yourself about the times when you’ve felt flooded. Answering them may give you insights about the things that set off, or “trigger,” this reaction and how to avoid such triggers. You may also discover new ways to soothe yourself when you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Don’t do this exercise right after you’ve experienced feeling flooded. Wait until you’re relaxed and feeling calm.

  Begin by considering the following questions, thinking about recent situations in which you felt flooded. If possible, discuss your answers with a person with whom you’ve had conflicts in the past. The discussion may help the two of you to talk about problems in the future. If you feel that you can’t discuss these issues with that person, then answer the questions on your own and discuss them with a trusted friend or write about them in your Emotion Log.

  • What typically happens just before you start to feel flooded?

  • Are there particular words, actions, or topics that seem to “trigger” you to flood?

  • What would allow you to stay in an intense conversation without flooding?

  • How are upsetting subjects introduced into your conversations?

  • Does either of you bring up these subjects in a harsh way?

  • Are there ways that either of you could introduce these subjects so that you might stay calmer?

  • Does either of you tend to “store up” problems and try to deal with them all at once?

  • Can you do a better job of handling your problems one at a time?

  • What can you do to soothe yourself when you feel irritable, scared, or angry?

  • What can you do to soothe each other?

  • What signals can you develop for when either of you feels flooded?

  • Can you take breaks?

  • What can you do during these breaks to calm down?

  • How can you make sure that you get back to the problem later on?

  Exercise: Give Me Just One Word

  To download a PDF of the following exercise, click here.

  Here’s another exercise designed for two people who are having conflict and who want to improve their relationship. It’s based on a technique used by sports psychologists to help athletes perform better under pressure. The idea is that people often find it hard to remember complex instructions in the heat of competition. So their coaches give them just one word that summarizes the most important concept they need to remember in order to win. Then, just before the compe
tition, the athletes focus on that word. If they get confused, agitated, or “flooded” during the game or match, the coach can repeat the word, helping them to get back on track. A boxing coach, for example, can tell the boxer, “Dance!” during the short break between rounds. A soccer coach might tell his player, “Aggress!” And this one word helps him to get his drive and concentration back again.

  All of this can be applied as well to people who want to improve their relationships. When you’re in conflict with somebody and you become flooded with fear or anger, all your best intentions can go out the window. But if you can remember just one word that might help you to focus on what the other person needs during these conflicts, you’ll have a better chance of finding common ground and connecting. Here’s what each of you should do.

  1. Read the list of words that follows. As you look at each one, think about what you usually feel you need from this other person during a typical conflict.

  2. Circle the five words that best describe your needs.

  3. Now share your list of five words with each other. Tell the other person what each word on your list means to you, and how you would like to see him or her display this behavior or characteristic during your conflicts.

  4. Listen carefully as the other person describes the words on his or her list. Avoid getting into a debate about the correct meaning of a particular word. This is not a vocabulary lesson. Your goal is to try to understand what that word means to that person, and how you might personify it. Ask questions about any points that seem unclear.