The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

by John Gottman

  Once you hear somebody use a metaphor, it may be helpful to use that same figure of speech, or a comparable one, when addressing a similar concept later on. I once counseled an electrical engineer, for example, whose language about emotions was filled with allusions to wiring, charges, and circuitry. I soon realized that if I really wanted to connect with this man, the best way to do that might be to use the same lexicon.

  You can take the same approach with friends and family. If your son is interested in the natural world, for example, talk to him about his cleaning his room in terms of maintaining a healthy “ecosystem.” If your boss loves baseball, let him know that you’re ready to “step up to the plate” on the next project, and that you really hope he’ll “go to bat” for your next raise. If your brother loves to go to Reno, tell him that his “odds” of inheriting much from Dad are poor unless he does his part to keep the old man out of a nursing home. Noticing and then adopting another person’s metaphor helps you to build a smooth, intimate connection. Metaphorically speaking, you’re both “on the same page.”

  Exercise: Log What You Hear in Metaphors

  You can use your Emotion Log to document the emotional information you learn from people’s metaphors. Here are some questions to consider and write about as you listen for the metaphors people use to express their feelings:

  • What metaphors have you noticed yourself using recently?

  • What do these metaphors tell you about the way you’re feeling?

  • Did you use them to express specific emotions?

  • How did others react to your metaphors?

  • What metaphors have you noticed others using?

  • Think about a person with whom you’ve been in conflict lately. What metaphors does this person use?

  • What do these metaphors tell you about the way this person has been feeling?

  Above All, Just Listen

  While understanding metaphors and all the various forms of nonverbal communication can boost your ability to connect with others, you won’t get far without a strong foundation of good, basic listening skills. Your knack for drawing others out and expressing genuine curiosity about their lives can be a real boon to bidding for connection and establishing satisfying relationships. Good listening skills can help you to feel easy in all sorts of social situations, and to build the kind of rapport that leads to solid emotional bonds.

  Focus on being interested, not interesting. That’s the counsel Dale Carnegie offered in his 1937 classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People, which is still a top seller more than six decades later. And after my three decades of observational research, I have to say that it’s still some of the best advice available. Carnegie was right when he wrote, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

  Although Carnegie’s advice centered on friendship and salesmanship, my research shows that you can apply the same principle to building better relationships with your spouse, your siblings, your children, your boss—with anybody who plays a significant role in your life. That’s because everybody wants to feel valued and appreciated. And nothing fosters such goodwill as your ability to pay sincere attention to the details of another person’s life.

  Start by asking questions. Don’t ask the kind that can be answered with simple one-word responses. Instead, ask questions that allow people to explain their points of view and elaborate. Questions that begin with the words “Why do you suppose…” and “How do you think…” are good for this. Avoid questions that are too open-ended—questions like “What’s new?” or “How’s it going?” Too often, people give pat responses to such queries, perhaps because they’re not sure you really want to know. But if you can ask the same type of question in a more tailored way, you’re sure to get meatier answers. Examples: “So what’s your latest project [at school, in your department, around the house, etc.]?” “How’s your summer going? Got any vacation plans?”

  It’s good to ask specific questions, but it’s usually not good for a relationship to pry, or to manipulate people into telling more about themselves than they’re comfortable revealing. To find the right balance of disclosure, let the other person take the lead as you ask open-ended questions related to information that person has already revealed.

  Say, for example, that a new acquaintance has alluded to using drugs while in college. If you wanted to pursue that line of conversation, you could say, “Was there a lot of drug use where you went to school?” Then, depending on his level of comfort, he could choose to speak from personal experience or to talk more generally. This would probably work better than a pointed probe, such as, “Did you ever feel addicted to smoking pot?” which might get to a point of interest more quickly, but you’d risk losing the connection.

  Ask questions about people’s goals and visions of the future. Such queries can be a great way to connect. I’m reminded of the way some couples in our apartment lab use the view outside the window as a way to launch conversations about one another’s shared dreams and fantasies of the future. “Look at that boat,” one husband said. “If you could sail away to anywhere in the world, where would you go?” Another asked, “If you had that kind of money, what would you spend it on? A boat, a cabin in the mountains, or what?”

  Look for commonalities. People are attracted to those with whom they have things in common, so make it a point to let others know when you share similar views or backgrounds. At the same time, don’t try to make yourself the focus of conversation. Say enough to establish common ground and empathize, but always remember to share the floor.

  When you want people to disclose information about themselves, it can help to reveal details about your own life first. Be sure to aim for balance, however. Sharing too much personal information too early can be harmful to relationships. Your conversation partner may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of what you’re sharing, or feel pressured to become too close too soon.

  Be sparing, also, when sharing past experiences with teenagers or children. Young people often have a hard time imagining that their elders were ever as young as they are. And it’s especially hard for them to imagine that older people ever encountered challenges similar to the ones they’re facing. Such lack of imagination is not their fault; it’s just a normal part of being young. You can still let youngsters know that you understand what they’re going through, however. The best way is to engage them in friendly conversations about their own experiences. Ask pertinent questions, reflect back what you’re hearing, and empathize.

  Say, for example, that you’re visiting your twelve-year-old niece, who has just gotten braces.

  You could say, “I had braces when I was your age.”

  To which she might reply, “Oh.”

  Then you might say, “We didn’t have those fancy colored braces back then.”

  To which she might reply, “Oh.”

  Or you could ask her questions about her own unique, current experience, resulting in a much more direct emotional connection. That conversation might sound like this:

  “How do your braces feel?”

  “They’re okay now. But the first night was really painful.”

  “I’ll bet. Did you take something for it?”

  “Yeah, some ibuprofen.”

  “And how did it feel to wear them to school for the first time?”

  “I felt so weird!”

  “I think I know what you mean—like self-conscious?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Did any of your friends tease you?”

  “My friends didn’t, but there’s this guy in my math class and he was like, ‘Hey, Metal Mouth.’ And I was like, ‘Oh, my God!’”

  “So you felt kind of embarrassed?”

  “Yeah.”

  “But you’re smiling when you tell me about it. Did you feel kind of glad that he noticed?”

  “Yeah. I guess so. Because he’s real funn
y and smart. And I didn’t even think he knew my name.”

  “But now he can call you ‘Metal Mouth.’”

  “Yeah, cool, huh?”

  The difference in the two conversations is focus. The adult lets the preteen know that she’s understood without taking the spotlight off the girl’s present situation. As a result, the girl feels that she has an engaged, sympathetic listener, so she continues revealing more about her life.

  Tune in with all your attention. Once you’ve encouraged somebody to talk, the next step is to listen—really listen. This probably sounds simpler than it is. Many people have an unfortunate habit in conversation of planning the next thing they’re going to say rather than tuning in to what the other person is saying. It may help to think of your conversation as a tour of some aspect of this person’s life. Be willing to go along for the ride, asking questions in ways that show your sincere interest and natural curiosity.

  Listen in a way that feels natural, not forced. Your expressed interest ought to be genuine and consistent with your own personality.

  Respond with an occasional brief nod or sound. This indicates that you’re paying attention. Research shows that candidates who nod during interviews get the job more often than those who don’t. Verbal cues such as “mm-hmm,” “yeah,” or even a grunt serve a similar purpose.

  From time to time, paraphrase what the speaker says. Doing so tells the speaker that you’re still interested, especially when you can restate the important parts. This also serves to ensure that you understand what’s been said. A good time to paraphrase is when you introduce a question. For example: “You say you’d really love to go to Africa. Why do you think it would be a great place to visit?” Or, “It sounds like school has been really frustrating for you this spring. How is it harder for you now than last semester?”

  Maintain the right amount of eye contact. Allow the speaker to catch your eye. Studies show that we tend to look more while listening, less while talking. We look away when we first start talking during a conversation. We look back when handing the conversation back to a partner. Avoid staring, which can be interpreted as a sign of hostility or intrusiveness. But don’t be afraid to look at the speaker. Avoiding eye contact altogether gives the impression of disinterest, nervousness, or lack of confidence. Be aware also that holding eye contact with a warm smile for several seconds may be interpreted as flirtatious or seductive.

  Let go of your own agenda. It’s hard to be a good listener when you’re struggling to direct the outcome of a conversation. Listening—especially when a friend or loved one is trying to work though a difficult emotional experience—requires instead that you let go of your desire to control the situation. In such instances it may be best to follow the maxim, “Don’t just do something, stand there.” Such passive, openhearted listening is rarely easy. More often, when loved ones are upset, people get the notion that they should “fix” what’s wrong and “make it all better.” There are many drawbacks to this approach. First, it falsely presupposes that people can know and determine how others should live. Second, it can be overwhelming to believe that you have to come up with all the solutions to another person’s pain. Faced with such a burden, many people simply avoid the person who’s having difficulties, or try to minimize or deny the negative feelings the other person expresses. And, finally, the optimum solutions to an individual’s emotional problems rarely come from the outside; the best answers are usually the ones individuals discover for themselves. Although we can’t eliminate all the pain life presents our friends and loved ones, we can offer one another immeasurable support in difficult times simply by listening in authentic, empathetic ways. Often it comes down to developing the kind of mindful presence I mentioned in chapter 3. The key is to look for those “emotional moments”—those unpredictable but golden opportunities we have to simply stop and say to another, “I understand how you’re feeling right now.”

  Turn off the television. TV often interferes with people’s ability to listen to one another. We haven’t done an official study of the frequency with which people choose the television over social interaction, but time and again in our marriage lab, we have observed one partner make a bid for connection only to have the other partner “turn away” because he or she was more interested in the action on the television screen.

  TV interferes with children’s ability to connect, as well. A 1999 Kaiser Family Foundation study showed that American kids watch an average of two hours and forty-five minutes of TV a day. Some 17 percent watch over five hours daily. Compare this with other studies that show that kids spend just forty-five minutes a week talking to their parents.

  More than two-thirds of kids over age eight in the Kaiser study said their families kept the TV on during meals, the times when you’d most expect kids and parents to be talking to each other. But with the families’ eyes glued to the set, the quality of interaction can only deteriorate. Indeed, indicators of discontent—such as not getting along with parents, being unhappy at school, and getting into trouble a lot—are strongly associated with high media use, the study’s authors say.

  So, for the sake of your family relationships, limit TV watching. Be aware of occasions when TV gets in the way of your ability to respond lovingly to one another’s bids for connection. And when you do watch television, try to choose programs you can enjoy watching together. Then talk about the TV programs afterward. Ask one another open-ended questions about what family members liked best and liked least about the program. How did the show make you feel? Did it remind you of any similar situations in your own life? If so, how? In other words, use the TV as a way to connect with one another, rather than as a means of isolation.

  Exercise: The Emotional Communication Game

  Communicating well emotionally requires more than saying the right words; we also need to send and receive nonverbal messages accurately. This game gives you a chance to practice these skills by using various tones of voice and body language to express different meanings. You can play the game alone or with a spouse, friend, relative, or coworker.

  To play with another person, designate one of you as the sender and the other as the receiver. Taking one question at a time, silently read each question, followed by three possible ways to interpret that question.

  The sender then chooses one of the three interpretations and reads the question aloud, using the tone of voice and gestures he or she believes most accurately convey that meaning. The receiver must then guess which meaning the sender intended to send. The questions are divided by type of relationship, but you can try all of them if you’d like. After you’ve practiced each question, switch roles and do them again.

  To play alone, take the part of the sender and practice saying the question aloud in three different ways to convey the three different meanings.

  Whether you play alone or with a partner, the game can help you become more aware of the ways you send and receive emotional messages.

  Questions Among Coworkers

  1. Are you sure you can get this done?

  Meaning A. Your colleague has a way of agreeing to things, but not making them a top priority. You’re worried that he or she will not get the task done on time.

  Meaning B. You’re pleasantly surprised and grateful that your colleague has agreed to do this job for you.

  Meaning C. You’re simply asking for information.

  2. So, what did you think of my presentation today?

  Meaning A. You did your best, but you were not quite sure how well the complex information you had to present came across. You can always rely on your friend to give you honest feedback.

  Meaning B. You think your presentation was terrific and you’re hoping for some approval and celebration.

  Meaning C. You were very nervous and you think that you might have made a bad impression. You’re looking for reassurance and support.

  Questions for Parents to Ask Children

  1. Are you going to clean your room?

  Meaning
A. You are pleasantly surprised because it looks as if your child is going to spontaneously do the cleaning. You don’t even have to ask.

  Meaning B. You think it’s time for your child to clean the room, and this is a gentle reminder.

  Meaning C. You’ve asked your child to clean the room a number of times, and you have been continually ignored. Now you’re angry.

  2. Do you want your allowance?

  Meaning A. If your child doesn’t become more cooperative, the allowance is in jeopardy. You want your child to remember that this is the case.

  Meaning B. You’re wondering if your child even needs allowance this week, since he or she received so much money from Grandma.

  Meaning C. You’re about to leave for work and you just recalled that you have not yet given your child his or her allowance for the week. You’re reaching into your wallet to draw out some money.

  Questions Between Friends

  1. Are you going to wear that?

  Meaning A. You think your friend’s clothes look terrible.

  Meaning B. You’re wondering if the dinner party you’re going to attend together is formal or casual, and you’re looking to your friend’s outfit as a clue.

  Meaning C. You think your friend’s clothes are cool and creative. You admire your friend’s bold sense of style.

  2. What do you want to do tonight?

  Meaning A. You’re asking for information.

  Meaning B. Your friend has said no to all your suggestions, and you’re exasperated.

  Meaning C. You’re tired of doing the same thing all the time, and tonight you have a new idea.

  3. Are you okay?

  Meaning A. Do you feel hurt by that awful phone call you just received?

  Meaning B. That’s the most bizarre plan you’ve ever concocted. Are you nuts?