by John Gottman
Exercise: How Does Your Past Influence Your Marriage?
To gain more insight, look back at the exercises in chapter 5. If you haven’t completed the questionnaires, do so now. Then, using your Emotion Log, answer the following questions, which are designed to explore how your emotional heritage may affect your marriage in particular. You can do this exercise with your spouse, or you can do it on your own, imagining how your spouse might respond. Either way, look for opportunities to discuss these issues with your partner. A better awareness of the way your emotional past affects your marriage may improve you ability to bid and respond to one another’s bids.
1. Review your scores on the exercise What’s Your Emotional History? on this page. Look carefully at your scores in each category: pride, love, anger, sadness, and fear. Think about how comfortable you are with expressing each of these emotions to your spouse. Then answer these questions, thinking about each emotion separately.
• How does your comfort level with this emotion affect your ability to feel close to your spouse?
• When you experience this emotion, are you usually able to explain to your spouse how you’re feeling?
• Do you feel that your spouse understands how you’re feeling?
• Do you feel guilty or self-conscious expressing this feeling?
• Is your spouse likely to turn toward you, away from you, or against you when you express this emotion?
• How would you like your spouse to respond when you express this feeling? Can you tell your spouse the kind of reaction you’d like?
Now think about your comfort at hearing your spouse express these emotions. Then answer these questions, again thinking about each emotion separately.
• How does your comfort with hearing your spouse express this feeling affect your ability to connect with him or her?
• Do you feel that you’re able to empathize with your spouse when he or she is feeling this way?
• Do you feel embarrassed, frightened, or angry when your spouse expresses this feeling?
• Are you likely to turn toward, turn away, or turn against your spouse when he or she expresses this feeling?
• How would you like to improve your ability to share such feelings with your spouse?
2. Review the results of your responses to the exercise What Was Your Family’s Philosophy of Emotion? on this page, and answer these questions.
• Was your family’s philosophy primarily emotion-coaching, emotion-dismissing, emotion-disapproving, or laissez-faire?
• How does that affect the philosophy you express in your marriage?
• In relating to your spouse, what is your philosophy of emotion? How does this affect your marriage?
• In relating to you, what is your spouse’s philosophy of emotion? How does this affect your marriage?
3. Review the results of your response to the exercise What Are Your Enduring Vulnerabilities? on this page. Answer the following series of questions for yourself. Then answer the questions once more, this time putting yourself in your spouse’s place.
• How do your enduring vulnerabilities affect your ability to connect emotionally with your spouse?
• Do you feel that past injuries interfere with your ability to bid for emotional connection? In what way?
• Do you feel that past injuries interfere with your ability to respond to your spouse’s bids? How so?
• Do past injuries ever get in the way of your ability to feel included by your spouse?
• Do past injuries interfere with your ability to express affection, or to accept affection from your spouse?
• Do you sometimes feel that you’re struggling too hard to control your spouse because you feel vulnerable?
• Do you sometimes feel that you’re struggling too hard to resist being controlled because you feel vulnerable?
• Are there ways that your spouse could help you to heal from past injuries? What healing thing would you like your spouse to do or say? Have you expressed this to your spouse?
Step 4. Sharpen Your Skills at Emotional Communication with Your Spouse
Words alone can’t express all we feel. That’s why couples need to be attuned to one another’s facial expressions, movement, gestures, tones of voice, and so on. In chapter 6 we explored the broad range of ways that people express and read one another’s feelings. Then we practiced those skills with the Emotional Communication Game, an exercise designed to show how nonverbal cues can change the meaning of various phrases. Here’s another chance to practice your emotional communication skills with your spouse, this time using scenarios common to marriage.
Exercise: The Emotional Communication Game in Marriage
To play the game with your partner, silently read each item and its three possible interpretations. Arbitrarily pick a particular meaning for each item. Then take turns reading each item aloud, as you or your partner tries to guess which of the three meanings you’re trying to convey. You can also practice the game on your own, but I encourage you to do it as a couple, if possible, because it will help you to learn more about the unique ways each of you expresses feelings.
1. Are you going to do the dishes?
a. You’re angry that you did them every night last week, and you think it’s your partner’s turn.
b. You’re pleasantly surprised that your partner seems ready to do the dishes.
c. You’re just asking for information because you’re not sure whose turn it is.
2. Will you answer the phone?
a. You’re trying to avoid an incoming phone call, so you want your partner to answer the phone as a favor to you.
b. You’re busy, you don’t want to be distracted, and you’re irritated that your partner seems to be ignoring the ringing.
c. You’d like to answer the phone, but your hands are full of cookie dough. You need your partner’s help.
3. I’m scheduled to work Labor Day weekend.
a. You’re disappointed because you had both hoped to get away alone together that weekend.
b. You’re pleased because you’ll get paid overtime and you need the money.
c. You’re just passing this information along to your partner. It doesn’t matter that much to you one way or the other.
4. Oh, are we having tuna casserole?
a. You like tuna casserole and are pleasantly surprised.
b. You’re disappointed because you’ve had this for dinner a lot lately.
c. You’re neither positive nor negative about it, but just asking for information.
5. My mother is coming for a visit.
a. You are dreading the visit and want your partner’s support and comfort.
b. You are genuinely excited that she is coming.
c. You are neither excited nor worried, just informing your partner about the visit.
Step 5. Find Shared Meaning in Marriage
Our research shows that couples form happier, more stable marriages when they find common meaning in their life together. Doing so requires you to be mindful of one another’s dreams and visions for your marriage, and to communicate your values about these issues to one another. Rituals that draw husbands and wives together emotionally can also help.
Below is a list of questions designed to explore meaning in your marriage. That’s followed by suggestions for rituals that can enhance your sense of shared meaning.
Exercise: What Does Your Marriage Mean to You?
Some of the questions that follow deal with the marriage itself, and roles you may want to have within your partnership. Others deal with goals that you have for yourself and your family. And still others address sensitive issues like sex, money, and religion—issues that often require a great deal of negotiation in a marriage.
I suggest that couples read these questions together and discuss just a few of them at a time. Your goal is not to reach agreement, but simply to express your feelings as individuals, and to listen to one another with open hearts. Doing so may help you to
better understand each other’s perspectives, which is absolutely necessary when it comes time to deal with conflict. Such understanding also serves as the foundation upon which to build your rituals for emotional connection.
Don’t try to answer all these questions in one sitting; that would be too hard. Instead, consider discussing them over a period of weeks. Then revisit the questions from time to time to see how your perspectives have changed. The important thing is that you maintain an open dialogue so that such heartfelt discussions can become a foundation from which you build your lives together.
• How do you feel about your role as a husband or wife? What does this role mean to you in your life?
• How did your father or mother view this role? How are you similar or different?
• Are there ways you’d like to change your role in your marriage? What are they?
• How do you feel about the balance in your life between your role as a spouse and your other roles, such as parent, worker, friend, or adult child?
• What does your home mean to you? What qualities must your home have for it to be a safe, satisfying place for you to spend your time? Think about the home where you grew up. How do you want your home to be similar or different?
• What does money mean to you? How much is enough for you? How much prominence should the acquisition of money and possessions have in your life? Think about the role money and possession had in the home where you grew up. How do you want the role of money to be the same or different in your life?
• What does extended family mean to you? How close do you want to be to your extended family? To your spouse’s extended family? Think about the role of extended family in the home where you grew up. How do you want this to be different or similar in your life?
• What is the role of ethics, morality, spirituality, or religion in your life? What does it mean to you to have a purpose in life? What role did these issues play in your family as you grew up? How should this be in your family now?
• What does sex mean to you in your marriage? What should it mean? What do you find most satisfying about sex with your spouse? Are there ways to make it even better?
• What goals do you have in life for yourself, your spouse, and your children?
• What do you want to accomplish in the next five to ten years?
• What is one life dream that you want to fulfill before you die?
• How does your marriage help or hinder accomplishing these life goals? How could it be better in this regard?
• Imagine seeing your epitaph or obituary. What would you like it to say? What legacy do you want to leave? What changes would you have to make in your life today to make that vision come true?
• Like many people, you may spend most of your time tending to immediate demands—“putting out fires,” so to speak. But are these activities truly important to you? What activities serve as sources of energy, pleasure, intimacy, or meaning in your life? Are you sharing these kinds of activities with your spouse? Do you make enough time for these important things, or do they often get postponed and crowded out? How can the two of you make more time for the things that genuinely give you pleasure?
Rituals of Connection in Marriage
As you may recall from chapter 7, rituals are repeated, predictable events that have symbolic meaning. A ritual can be really simple, like a peck on the cheek as you rush off to work, or quite elaborate, like a wedding.
When rituals of emotional connection are done well in a marriage, they help married couples celebrate their bond and stay together through all kinds of trials and triumphs. Below are some suggestions about rituals that pertain to family relationships, and to marriage in particular.
Morning rituals. To reduce morning stress, prepare the next day’s sack lunches, clothes, backpacks, and so on the night before. This will leave more time to do nice things like pouring your spouse a cup of coffee or chatting over the morning newspaper.
Leave-taking. Before you part company, find out at least one thing that’s going to happen in your partner’s life that day. That will give you something to ask about when you get home.
Affectionate greetings and partings. Share a loving kiss when departing or coming back together again. A peck on the cheek is okay, but a warm, mindful kiss is so much better. It says, “I’ll think of you while I’m gone,” or “I’m glad to be back together again.”
Calling or sending e-mail. Brief phone conversations or funny notes via the Internet during the day say, “You’re on my mind.”
Mealtimes. Sit down at the table to share your meals. Turn off the television. Make the table attractive with softened lights, candles, and soothing music. Soften the conversation as well—talk about the events of the day in ways that are supportive, affectionate, and encouraging. Save the more difficult conversations for another time.
After-dinner coffee. Here’s a ritual that’s especially good for couples with children. Once the entire family finishes their meal and their dinnertime conversation, the kids are excused to play, do homework, or watch a video. This gives Mom and Dad time for a one-on-one conversation over coffee or tea. Describing this ritual in his book Intentional Families, the psychologist William Doherty said it became so important to him and his wife that they continued it long after their grown kids left home. He also suggests doing the ritual over a hot beverage. This ensures that you’ll sit still long enough for it to cool and for you to drink it. But it also provides a definite end to the ritual (when the drink is gone) in case one or both of you have other things to do.
Eating out. Going to a favorite romantic restaurant can be a great way to acknowledge a special event like a birthday, anniversary, or job promotion. It can also make an ordinary night feel special. It’s a way to say, “Let’s treat one another well; we deserve it.” If money’s tight, consider going out just for dessert or a glass of wine. The point is to celebrate the relationship, not to run up a big bill.
Bedtime. What could be more symbolic of the trust and intimacy in marriage than the act of taking off your clothes, lying down, and falling asleep under the same blanket with another person? Celebrate this nightly ritual by being mindful of its refuge. Try to let go of the tension of the day. If you’ve felt angry or irritable toward your spouse during the day, don’t dwell on the feeling. Instead, think of this time as a temporary ceasefire—an interval to just be together and relax.
Dates. Get out and do something enjoyable as a couple, without kids or other adults around. Make sure that at least part of the date includes time for talking. For couples with children, I recommend one evening date weekly and three weekend getaways a year. To make sure dates happen, book standing reservations at a restaurant or a bed-and-breakfast. This takes the work out of deciding where and when to go. Like all good rituals, it happens automatically. If paying for a baby-sitter is a problem, consider trading child care with another family. Or, if you can get the day off, schedule dates during a weekday when the kids are at school or day care.
When one spouse is sick. Because people often feel vulnerable and childlike when they’re ill, how one spouse takes care of another at such times can be quite important. Of course, individuals can have very different ideas about how they want to be cared for. Some want solitude in a dark, quiet room, while others long to have company and lots of attention. Be sure to talk with your spouse about this. Find out what gives your partner comfort. Ask about his or her family’s rituals around caretaking. Were there special foods, home remedies, or expressions of affection that seemed especially soothing? What could really make a difference today?
Rituals of triumph. Whether you say it with balloons, a banner, a bottle of champagne, or plane tickets to Maui, the important thing is to celebrate your partner’s successes. It’s all part of developing that habit of praise and appreciation, which I described in chapter 3 as an antidote to the “crabby habit of mind.” When you create hoopla over your partner’s triumphs—large and small—you demonstrate your support for
his or her goals and visions, which contributes to the stability of your marriage. So look constantly for opportunities to say, “I’m so proud of you. You’ve worked so hard for this. And I’m your biggest fan.”
Rituals surrounding bad luck, failure, or fatigue. In moments of deep discouragement, it can be extremely comforting to have a reliable outward sign that your spouse stands by you. Again, such rituals can be very simple. “Let me draw you a hot bath.” “Lie down and I’ll give you a back rub.” “You go to bed early tonight, honey. I’ll give the kids their baths.” “Let’s just call out for Chinese food, rent some videos, and forget about the rest of the world for a while. We don’t even have to answer the phone.” The important thing is to let your spouse know that despite disappointments in the outside world, your marriage is a place of safety and support.
Rituals around initiating and refusing sex. Some people believe that lovemaking has to be spontaneous to be sexy, so they try to avoid any kind of rituals or preplanning. The trouble is, a married couple’s life can get so busy with work and family responsibilities that unless they plan a time to make love and have a ritual surrounding it, the lovemaking never happens. Or it only happens late at night when both partners are exhausted and it’s not so much fun. So I recommend that couples ritualize lovemaking to make sure that it happens regularly and in a way that both partners find exciting.
Think about the effort you made early in your relationship to make sex as pleasurable as possible. Perhaps certain music, perfume, lingerie, or candlelight helped you to set the mood. If you’ve let such preparations fall by the wayside, bring them back to your relationship. If there are elements you’d like to incorporate into your ritual, try them out, talk about them with your partner, and plan to use them again.