by Shae Banks
I hadn’t said it for years. I tried not to even think it. I changed my name by deed poll the day my divorce was finalized. I didn’t want to see, hear, or speak it again. “Gav H-Holt,” I whispered, lowering my head. I didn’t need to see his face to know what his reaction was going to be. We all knew Gav. We were all wary of him when we were younger. He was never good news. He was always up to something unpleasant.
Jason was off the bed and tugging on his boxers as he said, “Fuck… I hurt you so badly you thought he was all you were worth?”
I didn’t have a reply. That wasn’t how I saw it, but I supposed he had a point.
“I made you feel so worthless you thought that bastard… He was always fucked up.”
“I put up with shit I shouldn’t have. I didn’t help my—”
He was pacing. “If I hadn’t fucking left you, he wouldn’t have gotten near you.”
I couldn’t stop the incredulous laugh from escaping. “What?”
“It’s my fault.”
I was caught between misery and fury. I was also stuck hiding my unsightly body beneath the comforter, so my options for a response were limited to verbal. I clenched my jaw in frustration, not sure what to say, and between clenched teeth I managed to murmur, “It isn’t about you.”
He finally paused to look at me while tears streamed down my face. I don’t know if it was my tears or my words that made him stop.
“I… no. No. I’m sorry.” I watched him deflate. The rage in his eyes gave way to sadness. The anger he’d been feeling was swept away by apology and regret.
I held out my hand. “Just… Please. I didn’t tell you so that you’d get angry. I told you because you deserved to know the truth about me. Why I’m so… like this.”
“You’re perfect.”
Usually, I’d have brushed off something like this with a laugh and a joke, but I couldn’t. He meant it, I could see it in his eyes and hear it in the tremor of his voice. I blinked back more tears as he crawled over the bed to me. He didn’t take his eyes from mine as he took my face in his hands and kissed me.
“I love everything about you. Everything. To think what he did to you…”
That was twice he’d used that word tonight. Three times total, if I recalled correctly. I hadn’t felt loved in years. Not by anyone but Haylie, but she didn’t count. The need to make him feel better was overwhelming, to take away whatever pain he was feeling, to show him I loved things about him, too. But all I could manage was, “It doesn’t matter, Jase. It happened. It’s done. It was another life.”
“A life you shouldn’t have had to live.” He kissed me again and rested his forehead against mine. “I have so much to make up for.”
The tone of his voice, the regret, pierced my chest. He was blaming the decision he made for what that monster had done to me, and I couldn’t stand it. I cleared my throat and pressed my hand against his chest, pushing him back a few inches. “We can’t change what happened. We make choices, I made choices. We do whatever feels right at the time, and we live with the consequences. You left and built a life. I’m sure you’ve had stuff to deal with. I made a bad choice. I kept making bad choices for years until they nearly killed me. We can’t keep looking back. It isn’t good for us. We’ve got to keep trying to make it better. I’m here with you. We’re, well, whatever this is, we’re here making it together. It’s new. And it’s good. Don’t let him spoil it, Jase. Please.”
A few seconds passed. He didn’t look away as he worked through whatever thoughts were in his head. He remained there, my hand still on his chest, looking into my eyes.
“Look,” I said, starting to feel uncomfortable. “At first I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to see you. I didn’t want to revisit the past. But you showed me this is different. We aren’t the same people. We’re older and wiser, and we won’t make the same mistakes. All that we’ve lived through brought us here.”
“Is this where you want to be?” he asked quietly, moving back.
My hand lost contact with his chest. I let it fall into my lap, and he watched me, waiting for my response. I thought about it carefully. He was asking for a declaration, and I had to be certain. He’d subtly made his.
“More than anything.”
The tension left his body. His shoulders relaxed, his features softened, and he smiled. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
He turned off the light, and pulled me into his arms. I gladly went, resting my head on his bare shoulder as his free arm circled my waist, fingers brushing up and down my back. He kissed the top of my head and whispered, “Yeah. Everything’s okay.”
Chapter Twelve
He left the bed and I tried not to tug the sheets up to cover myself as he went into the bathroom. We’re past that. At least, I was trying to get past it.
When he came back, I gave him an awkward smile.
“What’s up?” he asked, walking around to his side the bed.
“I need more practice at this.”
He leaned over me, a hand on either side of my head, and kissed me. “Why?”
I grimaced. “My dismount isn’t as graceful as it could be with a condom to think about.”
He barked a laugh he lay at my side. “I was wondering… You said you were covered,” he said thoughtfully. “Covered well?”
I pulled my brows in and looked at him. “Incredibly well covered. Why?”
“Well, I’ve always been very careful, we could…” He frowned and shook his head. “No. Forget it.”
I chewed my lip. I wasn’t expecting this conversation, but it was worth having. “I’m clean. I got checked out after… And there was only one after and he used… I mean…” I said awkwardly. “There’s only you, and I can guarantee no babies and no nasty surprises here.”
“Guarantee is a strong word, but the usual ninety nine percent suits me,” he replied with a soft laugh. He was quiet for a second, then added, “I’m clean. I’m only seeing you. It’s your decision, but I trust you and it removes that particular… discomfort. I just want you to be comfortable. Confident.”
I smiled as he pulled the duvet back over me.
“And confidence takes time,” he said, kissing my forehead. “I enjoyed that.”
I smiled and pressed my face into his chest.
“Hey…” he said quietly.
I looked up. He was grinning, I decided to probe, “How did you get so good at… Well, you have a talent.”
He sighed, and I noticed a subtle shift in his demeanor. “You really want to know?” he asked, looking serious.
I asked myself if I did, and instantly decided it couldn’t be any worse than the horror story I’d told him. I nodded.
“Okay,” he said with a resigned sigh. “When my marriage broke down, and we separated, I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but was ready for female company.”
I was interested and shuffled away so I could prop up on my elbows to listen.
“So, I joined a club. I didn’t just go there to fuck anything that moved. I…” He pressed his lips together and thought for a moment. “I had a drink and a few conversations and found someone I clicked with.”
“You joined a sex club?” I couldn’t keep the surprise out of my voice. Not because it was a shocking thing to hear, I’d just never spoken to anyone who’d done that before.
He shrugged, apparently comfortable with my reaction. “Yeah. Met a woman, hit it off with her, and we met a couple of times a month at the club. I met her needs, she met mine. No drama. No emotional attachment. No expectations.”
He spoke about it so casually. Was I odd for finding it unusual? “So… Like kinky sex dungeon fuck buddies?”
He shook his head and raised his arm, inviting me to cuddle into him. I stayed where I was, and he frowned, but continued his explanation. “No. Nothing like that. Safety was paramount. Her needs were very specific, and I respected her boundaries. No marking of the skin, only gentle touch, which was perfect for me because I don’t get m
y kicks that way. No unprotected contact including oral, which again was perfect for me. She needed to feel safe and respected, which I hope I managed, she didn’t say anything to the contrary. All the club did was provide a private, neutral location.”
I had questions, too many questions, and I didn’t know how to ask them. He was looking at me, waiting for me to say something. When I didn’t, he went on, “She has her own very successful business, no time to commit to a new relationship, and doesn’t particularly want one. We helped each other out.”
“When did you last see her?”
“A few days before I first saw you in the bar,” he said confidently. “I cancelled our next meeting because I couldn’t get you out of my head, and haven’t seen her since. I decided to call it off completely when you agreed to meet me for coffee.”
My brows rose. “You were that confident?”
“Hopeful.”
“And she was okay with you just… dumping her?”
“It was a formal arrangement, not a relationship. Business really. I saw her because I wasn’t ready for a relationship but had needs, and I stopped seeing her when I found someone I wanted a relationship with.”
And that answered my next question, how he was able to just discuss the matter so calmly? It explained how he made the switch from uncertain Jase to confident Jason, able to discuss matters calmly. It was business. “So, she didn’t mean anything to you?”
He smiled at me. “Not in a romantic sense, no. I respect her, she’s a great person. She works very hard to provide for her family, supports her community, and took great care of herself to make sure she could do that. Those few hours a month were how she let off steam. Like I did.”
“I thought those places were,” I hesitated, trying to find the right word, “seedy?”
He shook his head, his eyes shining with amusement. “There are different rooms for different… things,” he said with a quiet chuckle. “All needs can be met, but mine and hers, were simpler.”
“And what are they?”
“I,” he said, moving over me, “get my kicks from seeing you getting yours.”
I didn’t fully understand. “I thought it was all whips and chains? You know, leather and kink?”
He kissed me, catching my bottom lip between his and sucking it gently. “That’s a very broad term. We all have a kink.”
“I don’t…”
“No?” he asked, kissing along my jaw. “Maybe you just haven’t found it yet.”
I snorted. “Right.”
“I’m serious. You won’t be into pain, obviously, and honestly I don’t like causing it, even to meet that end, but there’s nothing to say you don’t get off on,” he looked at me for a second, as though thinking hard, “sensory.”
“Which is?”
He resumed kissing my neck, licking along the pulse point and blowing on the slick trail of saliva he left there. It chilled, and I shivered. He moved further down, toward my breasts. “Hot. Cold. Light. Dark. Silence. Sound. Gentle restraint to stop you from wriggling away while I tease you with tickles and prickles and… other things.”
I remembered how he used to lie with me in the cornfield behind my house, watching the bats come out at sunset. He’d always have one arm under my head, the other tickling up and down my arm or back. The times that had turned into something far more were too many to count. I wondered if he remembered also.
The awkward fumbling hadn’t gone on long when we’d started sleeping together. I didn’t discuss it with my friends back then, but experience had taught me that Jason had been a very considerate partner. He didn’t race to the finish line. I remembered a number of times when he didn’t bother at all, content to give me the attention. And I didn’t orgasm. It took over a year of us being sexually active for me to experience that particular joy. And a few short weeks after that, he was gone.
“But only if you want to,” he added, his lips leaving my body. I opened my eyes to find he’d moved back up the bed and was looking down at my face.
“I…” I licked my lips, then swallowed. “I don’t know… You can’t get me all worked up then fire questions at me like that.”
“Okay. What if I go and buy you some gifts, and we can have some fun trying them out?”
I chewed my lip. I was up for it. I was happy to try new things, I just hadn’t had such a candid conversation before. “Okay…”
His hand grasped mine and he pulled me from the bed.
“What…”
“Shower.”
“Together?” I sounded really stupid, I know, and his laugh confirmed it. “I…”
He led me into the bathroom by the hand, turning on the shower and holding me in front of the mirror. I watched as he pulled my hair over one shoulder, kissing the one he exposed. His skin was darker than mine, not too tanned, but enough to notice I spent very little time outside despite summer only just passing. I wasn’t sure if it was from working outdoors or lots of holidays. It didn’t look like a sunbed tan, and it certainly wasn’t sprayed on. His hair was lighter than mine, his shoulders easily as broad as mine, and he stood six inches taller than me. My breasts weren’t the perky ones he’d enjoyed when we were younger. I was a good three dress sizes bigger. My hips were broad, and my waist wasn’t that well defined. A lump formed in my throat as I looked at myself, but he didn’t appear to see what I did, judging by the erection pressed against my ass.
“Together. I want to do everything together with you.”
“Together, together?”
His arms circled my waist. “Yeah. You and me. Us,” he said in my ear.
“That’s what you want?”
“That’s all I want.”
I turned and met his gaze. “I… You’re sure?”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
I kissed him. My hands found his face and held him to me for a few moments before I grabbed hold of his hair.
“Is that a yes?” he asked against my lips.
“Yes, it’s a yes,” I confirm, backing him into the shower.
The water hit his body and sprayed onto mine. It was cold, and my body responded accordingly. He laughed against my lips as I pressed into him with a sharp intake of breath, and he reached for my breasts. Erect, my nipples were sensitive, and my breath hitched as his rough palms ran over them.
“You like that?”
I made an appreciative sound low in my throat as he dipped his head and kissed the sensitive spot beneath my ear.
“And…”
Pinching nipples between the finger and thumb of each hand, he sucked my earlobe into his mouth. I responded by tipping my head back, arching my spine, and pressing my body against his.
He moved on, sliding his hands down my sides to my hips, then turned me around so I was under the falling water. I could feel his erection on the bare skin of my ass again. I knew he wasn’t wearing protection. I didn’t care. He told me it was okay, and I believed him. I wanted to feel him inside me, nothing at all separating us. I wanted it to be how it used to be, before the heartbreak and the loathing, how it was when all I knew was being loved by him.
I backed up.
“Wait…” he murmured into my ear, brushing his hands over my hips.
He was going to stop. “No. Please, Jase. I don’t…”
His groan told me all I needed to know. It carried in the tiled bathroom, above the sound of the shower, rivalled only by my gasp as he thrust deep. Every muscle contracted around him, and I almost cried out as he completely withdrew. His voice in my ear stopped me.
“This is… god, you’re everything.”
He thrust back inside, and for the first time in too many years, I felt everything he said he wanted me to feel. I was perfect. I was complete. I was where I was supposed to be.
The water beat down on my back, interrupted occasionally by his body as he kissed me, or his arm as he reached for my shoulder, but the sensation of the hot water, combined with the feel of him deep ins
ide me, set off a reaction deep in my core. It began as a contraction, my internal muscles clenching around his cock, and traveled outward in a series of chills. I recognised it and bent over, pushing my ass back, urging him deeper. Steadying myself against the cold, tiled wall with one hand, I reached back for him with the other, splaying my hand on his abdomen.
The chills that traversed my body, spreading through my extremities, were followed by another sensation. Heat. Pouring through my veins, the orgasm tore through me, and I couldn’t stop myself from crying out his name. That undid him. He reached for me, grasping both breasts and pulling me against his chest as he came. I felt every twitch inside of me, every ragged breath against my neck as he came down from his own high.
From nowhere, laughter bubbled in my chest. Beginning as a quiet chuckle as it grew to a full, joyful laugh.
“Why are you laughing?” he asked as I rested my head on his shoulder.
“I don’t know.”
He kissed the side of my head and ran his fingers down my sides as he withdrew. “That was something.”
“Hmm.” I smiled and turned toward him, reaching for his face. He bent and kissed me, then reached for a bottle of body wash on a shelf above my head.
“I think we should go shopping right now,” he said, lathering his body.
I watched him wash himself, then squeeze out more soap and begin massaging my shoulders, breasts, and stomach, taking great care to cover every inch of me with bubbles. When he was done, I pursed my lips. “For?”
“If you’re going to go off like that, I’ll need backup.”
I looked away, and he tilted my chin with his finger and kissed me.
“Don’t go all shy on me. I’ve experienced it now, you’ve set the bar.”
He reached for a bottle of shampoo and handed it to me before stepping out. “Take your time. We’ve got all day.”
I watched him wrap a towel around his waist, wondering what the hell I’d agreed to, and took my time washing my hair.
Chapter Thirteen
I took them from the bags one at a time. Some of them looked ridiculous, like oversized caricatures of dicks that seemed more like instruments of torture than something designed with pleasure in mind. Jase didn’t say anything. I was aware of him in my periphery vision, leaning against the wall, running a thumb over his bottom lip. It was making me feel self-conscious so I looked at him and said, “What?”