Things We Lost

by Shae Banks

  I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t live through it again. I didn’t want to do it alone. I didn’t want to lose everything again.

  I picked up my phone before I could talk myself out of it.

  Jason.

  I’d fucked up spectacularly. Again.

  There was no reason for her to trust me, so I wasn’t surprised when she ignored every email, message, and phone call. When I called from Poppy’s phone and heard the pain in her voice, I knew for certain that was it. I’d lost her.

  It had been five days since she ran from me, and I’d never felt so miserable. I had no one to blame but myself. It was my own cowardice that had done it. Tony had warned me, he’d pressed and pressed for me to tell her, but I’d seen the look in her eyes when she saw the photograph of Poppy on his wall, and I couldn’t handle Nat rejecting her. As much as I loved Nathalie, Poppy was everything. I was where I was because I couldn’t bring myself to leave her. I couldn’t walk away knowing what it was like growing up in a broken home.

  I’d lived with Cara’s hatred for years for Poppy. I’d taken every snide remark and never acted on it for her. I was happy to not be enough for my wife, if I could be for my daughter. She needed her parents. I stayed.

  It was easier knowing it wasn’t Cara’s fault. Not in the beginning, at least. It clearly wasn’t enough, but I’d done my best to support her. She’d suffered terribly when the baby arrived. The depression and anxiety were crippling. Nothing I said or did helped, so we found someone who could. Cara trusted her therapist, so when she suggested separate rooms, I went with it. When she suggested Cara take weekends to be by herself, I went with it. When Cara got drunk and told me I’d been the one who ruined her life, I accepted it. It wasn’t until I had my own appointment with her therapist that I fully saw the whole picture, and by then it was far too late. I had to work, that was an unavoidable reality. When I wasn’t at work, I did whatever was necessary to support my struggling wife, and that was an accepted fact. But our unavoidable lifestyle fanned the flames of her condition and destroyed our marriage. There was no way to repair it.

  I was lamenting the unfairness of it all when my phone rang. I expected it to be Tony, so when I saw her name, I steeled myself as I answered.

  “It’s me, I… I’m sorry to bother you. I just needed to hear your voice.”

  I knew that tone. I knew what that small tremor in her voice meant and reached for my shirt. “What’s happened?”

  “Did I give you a key on Friday night?”

  I didn’t understand. I was at my bedroom door, tugging my shirt over my head when I paused and answered, “No. I couldn’t lock the house because you left with the keys… I’m sorry, but you told me not to be there, so I made sure I wasn’t like you asked. Why?”

  Her voice lowered, she said, “He’s been in the house.”

  I didn’t need her to elaborate. I knew who he was. But he was under a court injunction. Her ex-husband wasn’t supposed to be within miles of her.

  “Are you alone?” I looked at my watch as I sped down the stairs and turned to the kitchen door. “Okay, keep the doors locked, leave the keys in, and close the blinds. I’m on my way, and I’ll call when I get there.”

  She sniffed and took a shaky breath. “Okay. I’m sorry, Jason, I didn’t know who else to… I didn’t need…”

  “It’s okay, I’m leaving now. I’ll be as quick as I can.”

  “Okay. Thank you, I…”

  I didn’t want to end the call, but I couldn’t drive and keep her calm at the same time. “It’s okay, I know. I’ll be there soon.”

  Cara was sitting at the table on her laptop when I strode into the kitchen, tucking my phone into my pocket. “What are you doing?”

  “I have to go out. Can you tell Pops I’ll call her after school tomorrow?”

  She turned in the chair and glared at me. “At this hour? I didn’t get an alert from either team, what could possibly have you leaving at this time of night?”

  My concern for Nathalie was turning to rage at him for daring to go near her. Cara wasn’t helping. “I’m needed elsewhere, it’s urgent. I’ll be back on Sunday as usual.”

  She sighed and turned back to her laptop. “Not even hiding your transgressions now? That’s wonderful.”

  Trying not to react, I ran my hands over my face. “Cara, I don’t have the time or the energy for this. I think we can both agree that after eight years of you living apart from me in as many ways as possible, that the only transgression here is your treatment of me in my own home. Excuse me, my girlfriend needs me.”

  She looked like I’d slapped her. I’d never mentioned it. All the times she’d blamed me, all the times she’d told me that her suffering was my fault, not to mention the times she’d attacked me, not once had I spoken up in my own defense. I supposed she had a point. It had taken both of us, and while Poppy was created out of love, the toll motherhood had taken on Cara had been destructive. I played a part in that. We brought Poppy into the world together and it was that which had destroyed her.

  I didn’t wait for her to spit a reply, continuing through the kitchen to the utility hall, and into to the garage. I decided on the BMW. I knew Nathalie didn’t really like the thing, and my tires were likely to be slashed again, but it would get me there much faster and time was everything. When she needed someone, she called me, and I had a small window of opportunity to prove I could be there for her. I wanted to be there. I checked the time and my phone rang again. The call connected through the car’s Bluetooth as I backed out of the garage.

  “I’m on my way, babe.”

  “You don’t… I mean I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, Jason, you don’t have to come all this way…”

  “I’m coming, and I’m not leaving until I know you’re safe.”

  “But I was… I mean…”

  I took a breath and turned out of the drive, speeding through the small town outside of Huntingdon where Cara had decided we should settle in.

  “I’m coming. I’ll always come to you when you need me, Nat. If I don’t have you I… I love you. So, sit tight, I’ll be there in an hour or so.”

  She was silent. I kept driving, just relieved to have her on the line, knowing she was okay. That she was waiting and safe.

  I knew how soft it sounded, but I had to reassure her. I needed her to know so she could stop doubting. Yeah, I was good at making the wrong choice, but I’d always be there if she needed me. I wouldn’t make that mistake again.

  “I’ll keep coming back, Nathalie. It’s you. It always was. You’re all I need.”

  The line went dead. I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad sign, but I didn’t call her back. I could get there faster if I didn’t have to talk.

  The phone rang and rang, but I wouldn’t get out of the car until she answered. I didn’t want to knock on the door and startle her. Then the front door opened.

  I didn’t waste any time going to her. I saw the photo attached to the front door but ignored it, closing and locking it behind me as she walked into the living room.

  I followed and looked immediately at the flowers on the side table. It was a big bouquet, probably cost a fortune, and was definitely the kind of thing you’d send if you wanted to impress. He just didn’t know Nat. “I thought you hated flowers?”

  “I do,” she said, picking at her finger nails. “I thought at first maybe you could have left them. Then I came inside and saw…” Her eyes filled with tears, but she blinked them away and murmured, “He left one of our wedding photos. I thought maybe you’d dropped a key, but I wasn’t thinking and—”

  She was rambling, her anxiety building. I cut her off. “Why would I send flowers when I know you hate them?”

  She was fiddling with her hair and eventually looked up, tucking a few strands behind her ears. “Forget the flowers. I owe you an apology.”

  I wasn’t sure why she felt that was the right time to apologize, and I shook my head, but she carried on talking.

  “I o
verreacted. I was out of order, and I’m sorry.”

  It was clear she wanted to talk about it. She’d clearly had a few glasses of wine, either to steady her nerves or to give her some courage, and I knew she wouldn’t give up until she’d said what she needed, so I spoke, “I didn’t mention Poppy because you made it clear kids weren’t… Well, it sounded like you weren’t keen, which is fine, I mean not everyone can be bothered, can they?”

  I watched as she sat on the edge of the sofa and ran her hands through her hair. “I don’t hate kids, Jase. I’m not a witch.”

  I didn’t say anything, looking at the flowers again. She went on with her explanation.

  “When I said what I said, I meant I walked away from my marriage without kids but with other baggage. I don’t think kids are an issue. I don’t think your daughter would cause a problem between us, I just meant that I don’t have kids. It was a blessing really, but I wanted them. I just lost the option when...”

  “Lost?”

  I could see on her face that I wouldn’t like where this was going.

  “Yeah. The accident…” Her expression changed at that word.

  I was pretty sure mine had too. It wasn’t an accident, she was deliberately run over by her ex-husband, but I knew she didn’t know what other word to use to address the event.

  She looked down at the floor but continued, “The bleeding, they couldn’t stop it. It was bad, and they had to… I don’t have a uterus. I’m not equipped to have children.” There was so much emotion in her voice I could tell she was struggling, and she paused. I watched her warring with herself over how to word it. In the end she glossed over, but I fully understood. “I came to terms with kids not being an option a long time ago. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be around them. Your daughter wasn’t the issue. It was your deceit.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I had to say something, but the gravity of what she’d just said had floored me. I walked over to the window, parted the blinds, and looked out, before turning back to her. “What do you need?”

  She looked down at her hands. “Haylie said she’d stay, but I just...” She paused and took a deep breath. “I just wanted you.”

  She looked up at me then, her eyes filled with sadness and fear.

  I wasn’t sure what to do. I wanted to hold her, to tell her it was all going to be okay. But it wasn’t. I’d hidden things from her. Important things. I’d hurt her for a second time after I promised not to. Her psychotic ex had broken into her home, invading the one safe place she had.

  But despite all my fuck ups, I was the person she called. I wasn’t sure how to handle it. Her eyes only showed a fraction of what she must have been feeling, and as much as I wanted to take that pain away, I didn’t know how. Not without making promises I clearly couldn’t keep. She deserved more.

  She broke the silence that had fallen on the room by saying, “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did.”

  I clenched my fist but didn’t move from the window. She was apologizing to me after all I’d done, and while I had things to say, I couldn’t seem to say them.

  “I should have asked you. I should have discussed it when you—”

  I had to clear my throat to speak. “Nat, that was all my fault. I fucked up. I was trying to find a way to tell you, but the longer it went on the harder it got and… I’m sorry.”

  Wiping tears from her eyes, she explainedd, “Yeah, you lied to me, Jase, but I understand why, I think. I handled that really badly, and while the damage is done, I just want you to know I’m sorry.”

  “Why would the damage be done? Nat, I’ve been trying to talk to you all week. I wanted to… I messed up. I should have been honest. I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I shouldn’t have let you drive away so upset.”

  “We both… We’re a mess, Jase. I don’t know…” She took a breath. “I’m going to put the kettle on.”

  I let her walk away. She needed a minute to think and the last thing I wanted was for her to lose her nerve and stop talking. I needed to hear what she had to say. We both needed the truth to be laid out, however uncomfortable it made us.

  I was standing where she left me, my hands in my pockets looking at the flowers, when she came back and handed me a mug of steaming coffee. She stood next to me and looked at them also.

  “They’re an anniversary gift, apparently.”

  I set my jaw, fighting not to say what was on my mind. I hadn’t known the date, I hadn’t even known it was close. When I looked at her, she smiled and put her mug on the window sill before she bent to pick up the bouquet. “He’s been hanging around, I think. He must have been the one who slashed your tires. Haylie saw him outside here recently, but she didn’t recognize him. The Land Rover at the strip mall… He’ll get bored soon.”

  She hoped. She didn’t say it, but that was what it came down to.

  I watched as she went into the kitchen and unlocked the back door, taking the flowers and dumping them in the trash outside. I moved into the kitchen, leaning against the countertop by the sink to be close if something startled her while she was outside.

  She locked the door behind her and took out the key before saying, “There. Where they should be.”

  It was a touchy subject, but I had to say it. “You should call the police. There’s a restraining order, he’s breaking the law.”

  She shook her head, the strands of hair behind her ears coming loose and falling over her face again. “No. He won’t bother me. Really, it’s not worth the mess of involving them.”

  I didn’t argue. Instead I asked, “What did it say?”

  “I miss you.”

  I laughed and shook my head, rubbing my bottom lip with my thumb.

  She pulled in her brows and queried, “What?”

  “Looks like there’s a club.”

  She managed a small smile and said, “I missed you, too.”

  That was all I needed to hear. I knew she wouldn’t say it, so I asked, “Can we just start again?”

  She laughed, choking back tears. “Again?”

  I shrugged. “Third time lucky?”

  I couldn’t stop myself from grinning when she replied, “I’d like that.”

  Taking a few tentative steps toward her, I studied her face. “I’m moving out. I’m walking away from Cara and that whole mess, and I’m starting again with you if you’ll have me. I have a daughter, and she’s important, but I can love you both. We can make it work, Nat.”

  She kept her head down, stepping toward me, and I took her into my arms. The tension left her body as she cried silently into my chest, and I stroked her hair as I held her. I knew I should say something, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want her to step away. I’d missed her. The feel of her body against mine, the scent of her, the sound of her voice. I didn’t want to be without her again.

  “Will you stay?”

  I kissed the top of her head and moved her back so I could see her face. “I’m not going anywhere. At least until Sunday. After that we’ll work something out.”

  She looked up at me and smiled. “Home for date night.”

  And there it was. Her acceptance.

  I swore then that I could be everything she needed. All I had to do was love her. The rest we could work out together.

  About the Author

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