The Amish Teacher's Dilemma and Healing Their Amish Hearts

by Patricia Davids

  She laid a fresh loaf of bread on the pristine counter, wondering if the men had made as much progress with their chores. She glanced up at the windowsill, analyzing her paint job with a critical eye.

  Oh, no! She’d missed a spot. Not very much but it was noticeable if you looked up. She’d just fix it before she finalized lunch preparations. It wouldn’t take more than a moment to run the paintbrush over the narrow area and no one would even know it was there.

  Pulling the ladder over to the sink, she climbed up. Dipping her brush into a bucket, she concentrated on her task as the ladder wobbled slightly. She quickly ran the bristles over the trim surrounding the windowsill, then set the brush across the lip of the bucket. There! It was almost perfect.

  She was just climbing down when she lost her footing. A moment of panic rushed up her throat and she clawed the air for something, anything to hold onto. It did no good and she felt herself falling!

  * * *

  “Ooff!” Jesse’s breath left him in a sudden exhale as he caught Becca before she could fall off the ladder.

  She clasped his neck with one arm, the side of her face smooshed beneath his chin. He held her there for several long seconds, giving her a moment to recover her footing. Her sweet, clean fragrance spiraled around him as she stepped on his toes. Thankfully he was wearing heavy boots.

  “Ach, I’m so sorry!” she exclaimed, pulling back just a bit.

  He still had his arms wrapped around her tiny waist. Looking down, he locked his gaze with hers. Her face was so close to his that he could feel her warm breath against his cheek. He saw the confusion in her startled blue eyes. Her pink lips rounded in a circle of surprise. He could feel her soft fingertips against the back of his neck.

  “Geht es dir gut?” he asked, his voice low and soft.

  “Ja, ja! I’m all right,” she said rather breathlessly.

  “Ahem!”

  Someone cleared their throat and he looked up and saw Naomi and Abby standing in the doorway.

  Becca quickly pulled free and moved over to the stove. She patted her kapp, thrusting stray curls of golden hair back into the head covering. She looked as flustered as he felt.

  “Danke for catching me.” She spoke without looking at him.

  “Did you fall?” Naomi asked.

  “Ja, I fell off the ladder,” Becca quickly explained, seeming embarrassed that the women might think she’d done something inappropriate.

  “Ach, it’s a gut thing that Jesse was here to catch you.” Abby spoke with a knowing smile.

  Naomi walked to the sink where she began washing red apples. “Ja, it was a very gut thing.”

  If Jesse didn’t know better, he would think the older woman’s voice sounded a bit strangled, as if she were trying not to laugh.

  Having recovered her composure, Becca busied herself with setting the long table. He was suddenly highly aware of her as a lovely, desirable woman. And that thought left him feeling nervous and out of sorts.

  “Um, I’ll tell the men we’re just about ready to eat,” he said, practically bounding out the back door.

  Anything to escape. He had to get out of this room right now. Had to get away from Becca and her innocent, confused looks and her aunt’s knowing glances.

  “Komm eat,” he called to the other men.

  He waited for them to climb down off the roof before following them into the house. No way was he going to be alone with these women again. He needed the other men as a buffer zone.

  After prayer, the men sat at the table while the women hovered around seeing that their plates were filled. Abby spread a blanket on the floor in the living room for the children to sit and enjoy a little picnic of sorts. Jesse regretted that he had only four chairs made. With just himself and Sam living in the house, he thought there was no need to make any more. But now, he realized he needed double the number of seats if he was to accommodate his new friends. And the thought of making more chairs made him feel happy inside. It gave him a purpose. Something to work toward.

  “How is the work going on the roof?” Naomi asked as she laid another piece of fried chicken on Jakob’s plate.

  “Gut! We’ve finished the roof and it should weather any future storms,” he replied.

  “Ja, we should have plenty of time this afternoon to work on the barn and broken fence posts before it’s time to leave.” Dawdi Zeke popped an entire boiled egg into his mouth and chewed with relish.

  “And you weibsleit? How has your work gone?” Jakob asked. He glanced around the room, seeing the fresh coat of paint on the walls.

  “We have finished downstairs. This afternoon, we’ll finish painting the bedrooms,” Naomi said.

  The group chatted about their work and inconsequential things. Jakob offered to sell one of his best milk cows to Jesse and discussed the Rocky Mountain Expo Select Sale to be held at the National Western Complex in Denver next month.

  “Bishop Yoder and Harley Troyer are the auctioneers. You can get all the draft horses and mules you need,” Dawdi Zeke said.

  “Ja, and in April, they’ll hold a draft horse and equipment auction in Brighton. Us men commission a small bus from town and hire an Englischer to drive us there. They’ve gotten to know us Amish and will haul the livestock here to Riverton in a trailer. You’re willkomm to go with us and see if there’s something worth buying for your farm,” Jakob said.

  Jesse nodded. This was just the info he needed to acquire some good livestock to work his place. He glanced at Sam, wondering what to do with the boy while he was gone.

  “I’ll watch him for you,” Becca said.

  He glanced up at her as she leaned over his shoulder to refill his glass with chilled milk from the well house. Funny how she always seemed to anticipate his needs and offer to help even before he asked. Though Jesse hadn’t asked, he was grateful for all that Becca and her familye had done. For the first time in months, he felt like he had real friends. People he could count on for help.

  “Danke, that would be great,” he said, conscious of Naomi watching him with glowing eyes.

  Oh, no! He knew that look. The look of an Amish mother who wanted to make a match for her daughter. Except that Becca was Naomi’s niece.

  Same difference.

  He looked away, feeling like a silly schoolboy who was smitten by his first girl. And he wasn’t. Smitten, that is. Not with Becca. No, sirree. Nor was he a silly schoolboy. He was a fully-grown married man and the father of three. Or at least he used to be. Now, he wasn’t grounded anymore. He couldn’t get a feel for who he was and what he should be doing. It was as if the pieces no longer fit together. Somehow, he’d lost his way. He’d been clinging to his faith, hoping he found his path through the darkness.

  They finished their meal and everyone returned to their tasks. Jesse was grateful to be back at his labors. Work was something he understood. A distraction that made him forget the pain. For a few short hours, he could pretend that everything was just fine. That Alice and the kids were back at the house and he’d see them all later that evening when he came in for supper. That he’d laugh, tickle and play with them like he used to do.

  It was several hours later when Jesse returned to the house for some plastic cups and a jug of water. The men were thirsty and, as their host, he had hurried to accommodate them. He planned to slip in and out of the kitchen without being noticed. But Becca was there, sitting in a hardbacked chair as she fed baby Chrissie.

  “Hallo.” She greeted him with a soft smile.

  He nodded, going directly to the cupboard where he knew the cups were kept. As he pulled the door open, he couldn’t help noticing the tidiness of the room, not a dirty dish in sight. The air smelled of fresh paint and he caught a yummy whiff of something good cooking in the oven. When he glanced in that direction, Becca offered an explanation.

  “It’s your supper. We thought you might ap
preciate something to eat this evening after all of us have left,” she said.

  “You didn’t need to do that. I’ve got lots of canned goods in the house and have gotten quite good at heating up soup for Sam’s dinner.”

  “It was no trouble.” She lifted a spoon to the baby’s mouth. Like a little bird, Chrissie opened wide.

  It seemed his guests had thought of everything, taking care of him and Sam like they would their own familye. He shouldn’t be surprised. It was the Amish way. Alice had done the same on numerous occasions, taking meals in to another familye, tending their sick children, washing their dirty laundry, doing whatever she could to ease their load. And it made him love her and his faith even more. He cherished the way they looked after one another. If only Alice and the girls were still here, he could feel whole again. That was why he’d left Pennsylvania. To hide from the memories. But they’d followed him here. And he knew he had to figure out how to go on without them.

  As he filled the jug with water from the kitchen tap, he glanced over at Becca. She’d propped little Chrissie on the table and had wrapped a dish towel around her neck so she wouldn’t soil her dress as she ate. Keeping one hand on the child’s leg so she wouldn’t fall off the table, Becca spooned in something that looked like mashed potatoes.

  “You seem so natural with kinder,” he said.

  Becca gave a sad little laugh. “I hope so, since I teach an entire school full of them. But you wouldn’t have thought so during my first week here.”

  He chuckled, remembering how flustered she was that day he’d walked in on her class when it erupted into absolute chaos. “Everyone is bound to have a bad day now and then. Have you had any more snake incidents?”

  She laughed. “Ne, thankfully.”

  He shut off the faucet and reached for the lid to the jug. As he screwed it on with several quick twists of his wrist, he asked a question that had been on his mind for quite some time.

  “Instead of teaching, I would have thought you would be married by now and have kinder of your own.”

  She didn’t respond right off and he looked at her. Her eyebrows were creased with consternation and a flash of pain filled her eyes.

  “Ach, I always wanted to marry and have kinder of my own but it didn’t work out. I... I was engaged once,” she said.

  Oh. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked. He instantly regretted his question. It was too private. Too personal.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry,” he said, feeling like a heel.

  She shook her head and fed the baby another bite of food. “Ne, it’s all right. I’m better off, actually. I would never want to marry a man who didn’t love me. And it would be even worse if he loved someone else.”

  Okay, his curiosity was piqued. Even though it wasn’t his business, he couldn’t leave without knowing more.

  “What happened?” he asked.

  He set the cups and water jug aside as he leaned his hip against the counter.

  She shrugged and wiped a dribble of potato from the baby’s chin. “Nothing, really. I’d known Vernon all my life. We went to school together and always planned to marry one day. Everyone expected it.”

  Jesse sensed the admission caused her some embarrassment, as if it was something to be ashamed of.

  “Did you still love him?” Jesse asked.

  “Perhaps. But it didn’t matter. He’d discovered that he was in love with Ruth, another girl in our Gmay. It seemed they’d developed feelings for each other that went beyond friendship. I’d always wondered why he refused to set our wedding date. Now I know it was because he...he didn’t want me anymore.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  His heart ached for her. He could just imagine how it must have hurt her, living in a Gmay with a boy that everyone thought loved her. And then the embarrassment and pain of finding out he preferred someone else. All her broken dreams must have been painful but also demoralizing. No wonder she had wanted to leave and go somewhere else to start over again. He’d done the same thing after Alice and their girls had died.

  She met his gaze, her eyes filled with strength and courage. “Don’t be sorry. It was a blessing. Vernon and I would have been unhappy together. We’d been gut friends all our lives but we’d grown apart. He thought I read too many books and was way too opinionated and I thought he was too domineering. We wouldn’t have gotten on well together. And I love teaching. I decided to make that my profession. I love working with the kinder. It’s a gut career choice for an unmarried Amish girl like me. I just wish I didn’t have to return to Ohio at the end of the school year. Vernon and Ruth will be married next fall and I’d really rather not be there to watch it happen.”

  Ah, he understood now. He could read between the lines. She didn’t want to watch the man she had loved for so long marry another girl and start a familye together. And being Amish, that must hurt Becca even more because she was still single. In fact, Becca was quite old to be unmarried. By Amish standards, she was an old maid. But now, it appeared that she had decided she wanted to spend her life teaching. It was a noble profession too and he was glad she’d found something fulfilling and worthwhile to do.

  He tilted his head to the side. “Why do you have to leave here? Why not stay?”

  She shrugged before lifting Chrissie down off the table. The toddler waved her chubby arms and laughed. She was so sweet and innocent and she immediately reminded Jesse of his own two little girls.

  “My teaching assignment will be finished when school lets out the first of May,” Becca said. “By next fall, Caroline Schwartz will have recovered from her accident and can resume her teaching assignment. I can’t live off my relatives without finding some kind of employment. And Riverton is too small a town to offer many jobs, let alone another teaching position in another Amish school. I’ll have to leave to find work. The logical choice is to go home, so I have a place to live until I can find another position.”

  Hmm. For some odd reason, he didn’t like the thought of her leaving. She’d been so good for Sam. She’d been good for him too.

  “You could find a different teaching assignment here in Colorado,” he suggested.

  She gave a sad little laugh. “I’m afraid there aren’t that many Amish settlements here, let alone vacant teaching positions for their schools. The only reason I got this assignment was because I have familye here and they knew me well enough to give the school board a recommendation for me.”

  “Perhaps you’ll find another position somewhere in Ohio or Pennsylvania. Maybe you won’t have to go home after all,” he said.

  Even as he suggested the idea, he knew it was unlikely. Unless they were in a real bind, the Amish preferred to hire someone they knew and trusted to teach their precious children. Each Gmay had their own Ordnung, the unwritten rules they followed within their unique community. Unless Becca married one of their men and agreed to abide by their Ordnung, she would be an outsider in another Amish community. They would never hire her to teach their kids.

  “Ach, I better get back to work. We’re almost finished painting Sam’s bedroom and the weibsleit need my help.” She stood and walked to the door.

  “Ja, I best get back to work too.”

  He wished he could stay and ask her more questions about her life. He found her quite interesting and he respected her pioneering spirit and desire to have a career rather than marry. It couldn’t have been easy for her to come here to a strange land to live and work. But it wouldn’t be proper for him to keep talking to her right now. She was hurting, just like him. And he didn’t want to remind her of that pain. Besides, the mannsleit were waiting for him to bring them water.

  As he carried the cups and jug outside, he found it hard to believe that Vernon would cast Becca aside for someone else. Becca would make the perfect Amish wife. Besides being capable of cleaning and running a household, she was an excellent cook and
was beautiful and knowledgeable. Fascinating to talk to. When he was with her, he could almost forget his broken heart.

  Almost.

  If the situation were different, he might be willing to ask Jakob if he could court her. But Jesse couldn’t forget about Alice. His heart still ached for his sweet wife. In his mind, he was still married to her and he couldn’t let her go.

  He’d heard of some Amish widowers with children marrying a woman for convenience. He thought about approaching Becca and Jakob, to see if they might agree to such an arrangement. After all, he badly needed a wife and Sam needed a mother. Becca needed a permanent place to stay so she wouldn’t have to return to Ohio. But no. A loveless marriage wouldn’t be fair to Becca. Or him, for that matter. Both of them deserved so much more. Besides, she’d just said she wouldn’t marry a man who didn’t love her. And right now, he couldn’t offer her what both of them really wanted and needed most of all. A home where they’d be loved and cherished. A real marriage in deed as well as in name. Even without asking Becca, he knew that neither of them would settle for anything less. Not now. Not ever. It was that simple.

  Chapter Eight

  On Thursday evening, another snowstorm settled across the valley and didn’t move all night long. Becca awoke the following morning to find six inches of the white stuff covering the countryside. She got up early to prepare for her day, wondering if she should cancel school. After all, it would take a lot of effort for parents to drive their horses and buggies through the heavy drifts. Maybe it was best for the kids to stay home. But the bishop had told her they rarely canceled school because they had to meet the state attendance requirements each year. And the plows were good to get out early and clear the county roads.

  “You sure you’ll be all right driving to school alone?” Jakob asked her at the breakfast table.