The Amish Teacher's Dilemma and Healing Their Amish Hearts

by Patricia Davids

  “Guder mariye, parents,” she said.

  As a group, the adults in the room responded in kind, each one looking delighted to be here. After all, this was a culmination of an entire year of hard work and they were happy to see their children’s progress.

  “We are pleased to willkomm you to our school and hope you enjoy the program your kinder have prepared for you.” She took a step. “Ach, without any further delays, we will get started. If the scholars will please komm forward.”

  In a rehearsed fashion, the children rose from their desks and walked to the front of the room where they stood in a V-shape with the youngest children to the front and the older children in the back. Turning to face them, Becca lifted her hands and hummed a note. Then, she led the students in a German song that Jesse recognized quite well from his own childhood.

  As the last note rang out, little Timmy Hostetler stepped forward and recited a poem from memory. His voice sounded soft and shy, with no inflection. And when he finished, he stepped back into place and gave an audible sigh of relief.

  The parents in the room smiled. They understood how hard their children had practiced this program and they couldn’t help being pleased.

  The scholars sang several more songs in both English and German. Dale Yoder, the eldest boy in the school, served as the vorsinger and set the pitch for each song before the other children joined in. All of the numbers were sung a capella and most were sung very slow, just like at church. The hymns were achingly beautiful, the scholars’ faces sweet and earnest. And when they finished, there was no applause because they didn’t believe in praise. But Jesse couldn’t help reveling in Becca’s success. She was a very good teacher and he couldn’t help feeling proud of her accomplishment. She should feel good about what she’d done this year.

  A few skits were shown by the scholars and most made the audience laugh. Tiny pieces of colored paper had been taped to the wooden floor so the children knew where to stand. But there were some moments of confusion when several of the students seemed to be standing in the wrong place. Becca glanced at the papers on the floor, frowned in bewilderment, then quickly redistributed the kids. It became obvious that the colored papers were not in the proper order.

  One skit went quite badly when the scholars held up what appeared to be the wrong posters and their props had mysteriously disappeared. Becca quickly stepped in and sorted everything out, handing them new props to use, then stood back and tried not to look perplexed.

  A snicker brought Jesse’s attention to the side of the room and he saw Caleb Yoder whispering something to Enos Albrecht. Both boys chuckled, until Becca threw them a warning look. But Jesse couldn’t help wondering if the two boys had hidden the props and changed the order of the posters on purpose, in an effort to cause mischief. Regardless, Becca was right on top of things, setting it all right. It spoke to her professionalism and how well she had planned and knew the entire program by heart. Jesse hoped Bishop Yoder and the other school board members had noticed all of this and took it into account when they wrote her recommendation.

  When Sam stepped forward, Jesse’s attention went on high alert. He’d been anticipating this day for months and eagerly waited with bated breath to hear his son speak out loud.

  Sam stood at the front, showed a slightly insecure smile and took a deep breath. He glanced first at Becca, then looked directly at his father...and promptly burst into tears.

  Before Becca could step forward to comfort the boy, he raced toward the front door. Pushing his way past the walls of bodies, he burrowed through them and fled.

  Oh, no! Jesse’s heart gave a giant leap of sympathy as he hurried after his son.

  “Excuse me,” he said when he bumped into Jakob Fisher and stepped on someone else’s foot.

  They parted the way and he didn’t stop. He had to go after Sam. Just one thought pounded his brain. He must comfort his son and ensure the child was all right. At that moment, nothing else mattered in the world. Not his love for Becca, not anything. Because it was now obvious to Jesse that Sam was upset about his relationship with the pretty schoolteacher. No doubt Sam thought Jesse was trying to replace his mother in his life. And he wasn’t. Jesse couldn’t do that to Sam. Not after all that he had been through. Yes, Jesse loved Becca so very much. But he couldn’t be with her. Not now. Probably never. It was futile to even try. Sam must come first in Jesse’s life. He was the boy’s father and had a duty to love and protect his child above all else. And for that reason alone, their familye unit could never include Becca. Jesse had to accept that now. Because fighting it would mean that Sam would eventually walk out of his life too. And he couldn’t afford to lose any more of his familye members. Not even for Becca.

  * * *

  Becca watched in horror as Sam ran out of the schoolhouse with his father chasing after him. She couldn’t believe this was happening. First, the colored papers on the floor had been changed, then the props had disappeared and the posters had been rearranged in the wrong order. Since she had checked them right before the program started, it didn’t make sense. Until she heard Caleb and Enos’s muffled laughter. And she had no doubt the two boys had created more mischief. But out of the corner of her eye, she saw Bishop Yoder gazing steadily at his young son and knew she wouldn’t have to do anything about the situation. It was the last day of school and she was finished teaching here. She had no doubt the bishop would take care of his son without her interference. But now, she had another problem. Sam had run from the room in tears and her heart almost broke in two.

  Though her heart was racing, she calmly stepped over to Lenore Schwartz, the eldest girl in the school, and gently squeezed her arm as she made her request.

  “Keep things going. I’ll be right back,” she whispered.

  Lenore nodded stoically and Becca knew she could depend on her. After all, the girl had helped with most of the program and knew it by heart too.

  Brushing past the gawking parents, Becca hurried outside to search for Sam and Jesse. She didn’t know what she could do to help, but she had to try.

  Out of her peripheral vision, she saw the flash of movement heading back toward the horse barn and followed quickly. One thought clogged her mind. The school board hadn’t reprimanded her in any way or indicated they weren’t pleased with her performance but she feared she wasn’t going to get a good teacher recommendation now. Not after this. Coupled with the bishop finding her at Jesse’s house when she was tutoring Sam, she figured the mistakes of the program might be the final nail in her coffin. And she dreaded returning to Ohio without any future employment options.

  No! She mustn’t think like that. She’d promised herself and the Lord that she would have faith. She was determined to put her trust in Gott.

  “I... I’m sorry, Daed. It’s all my fault.”

  She slowed, recognizing Sam’s voice. The words were spoken quite loudly. Not in Sam’s normally quiet, shy whisper. No, these were the words of a child filled with despair.

  She glanced around the corner of the horse barn and saw Jesse sitting on a tree stump. His back was turned toward her as he pulled Sam onto his lap and held the boy close to his chest as he rocked him in his arms.

  “Shh, don’t be so upset. Everything’s going to be all right now,” Jesse said.

  “I-I-I’m so sorry,” Sam wailed over and over again.

  Becca blinked in surprise. Sam had spoken to her several times in a pitiful whisper but he never spoke to his father. Not once since she’d known them. Now, it seemed as if the dam had finally shattered and the boy couldn’t be quieted.

  “It’s all right. It’s not your fault,” Jesse soothed.

  Becca realized they weren’t talking about the school program at all. They were talking about the house fire. They were talking about guilt.

  Pressing her spine against the rough timber of the barn wall, Becca clenched her eyes closed and didn’t fight her
own tears. She didn’t want to interfere. Not now. She was too bold. Too outspoken for a proper Amish girl. That was one reason Vernon didn’t want to marry her. As long as Jesse was being kind to Sam, she wanted to leave them alone. She’d said too much already. But she couldn’t leave either. And so, she stayed where she was and listened to their mournful conversation.

  “I... I didn’t mean to kill Mamm and Mary and Susanna,” Sam sniffled.

  Jesse snorted. “You didn’t kill them. You didn’t.”

  “Ja, I did.” The boy groaned and then he spoke in a frenzied rush, as if he were reliving what had happened all over again. “You were gone that night, fighting fire for someone else. I was the man of the house. It was my responsibility to make sure the chores were done and everyone was safe in bed. On my way out to the barn, I found Susanna playing with matches. I got after her and told her to put them away. She said she would and I went outside. I milked the cows all by myself and put the cans in the well house. But when I returned to the house, I saw smoke and flames through the kitchen window. I tried to run inside but it was too hot. I... I couldn’t get to them. I heard Mamm upstairs screaming for Mary but she couldn’t find her. Or Susanna either. And then, before I knew what was happening, the roof caved in. It was awful...”

  Sam’s words trailed off on a muffled sob. Becca pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle her own tears. In her mind’s eye, she could imagine everything Sam had described. The horror of that night seemed all too real when she considered what Jesse and Sam had lost.

  “Ach, listen to me, sohn.” Jesse spoke gently, his voice firm. “The fire wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t. And losing your mamm and schweschdere wasn’t your fault either. It was no one’s fault. It was a terrible accident, that’s all.”

  “But why did Gott let it happen?” Sam asked, his voice trembling.

  “Because He gives us our free agency to act, even if it means there might be bad consequences. But that doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us. I want you to let it go now. I want you to be happy, not sad. It’s time we both let it go,” Jesse said.

  “But... I miss Susanna and Mary,” Sam sniffled, his words so pitiful that it broke Becca’s heart.

  “I know, sohn. I do too. So very much.”

  “And I miss Mamm. I wish she’d come back and we could be a familye again.”

  “I do too. More than anything else in the world. No one can ever replace her in our lives or in our hearts. We’ll never love anyone the way we loved her,” Jesse said.

  Becca turned away, her heart wrenching. She couldn’t listen to any more. She stumbled away, heading toward the school. She bit her bottom lip, ignoring the tears streaming down her cheeks. All of a sudden everything made perfect sense. No wonder Sam had run off when he’d seen Jesse kiss her. No wonder the boy seemed offish toward her that last day when she went over to his house to tutor him. And then, he had raced out of the school during the end-of-year program. Not only did he blame himself for his mother and sisters’ deaths but he thought Becca was trying to take their place. She should have realized it early on but she’d been blinded by love.

  Oh, how Sam must resent her. She was his teacher and had betrayed his trust. And Jesse too. He was loyal to his wife. He didn’t want an opinionated schoolteacher like her to usurp his wife’s place. Jesse didn’t love her. His heart was too full of memories and devotion for his wife. He could never love Becca. Not in the same way. Not as a man should love the woman he was married to. And neither could Sam. Which meant they could never be together. Never be a true familye. It was foolish for her to think they could.

  Realizing the awful truth, she stood outside the schoolhouse on the back porch and wiped the tears from her eyes. Jesse and Sam didn’t need her anymore. If what she’d overheard was any indication, the two of them were on the road to healing and forgiving, both themselves and each other. It was a private moment between father and son and she was so happy for them. It appeared that they’d finally reconciled their anger and guilt. But it wouldn’t make a difference for her.

  She pushed several stray curls of hair back into her prayer kapp and smoothed her long skirts. This was the last day of school and she was still the teacher. She had a job to do and mustn’t let her students down. She would go back inside, complete her assignments and present the certificates of achievement. And tomorrow, it would all be finished.

  She didn’t belong here anymore. Her teaching job was over with and it was time for her to return home to Ohio. And that was that.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Becca plucked a number of tacks out of the wall and set them aside before rolling up the various posters that had been hanging around the schoolroom. Wrapping a rubber band around each print to keep it from falling open, she stored them on a shelf in the back closet. She wanted to make sure Caroline Schwartz could find them in the fall when she came to set up the room for the new school year.

  Becca picked up a bucket of sudsy water and carried it over to the windows. After wringing out a wash rag, she cleaned each windowsill and wiped down all the scholars’ desks. She’d already swept and mopped the wooden floors, swept the ashes from the potbellied stove and cleaned the chalkboard until it gleamed silky black.

  Laying her notebooks and pens inside a cardboard box, she checked her desk drawers one last time. She almost laughed when she found the rubber snake again. Someone had put it back in her drawer. Picking it up with two fingers, she threw it away, not wanting to leave it there to scare Caroline half to death when she returned at the end of August. Becca wanted to ensure she had all her things packed and ready to go. She was leaving early tomorrow morning, traveling by bus to Ohio. Anything she left behind would be lost to her.

  Including Jesse and Sam.

  Giving the expansive room one last look, she turned and froze. Jesse stood in the open doorway, wearing his black frock coat and vest, a white chambray shirt and his best pair of broadfall pants. He held his black felt hat in his hands, his clean hair combed and tidy.

  “Hello,” she said, startled by his presence. And all at once, a bubble of euphoria engulfed her, along with a feeling of bittersweet heartache. What was he doing here? She didn’t think she’d ever see him again.

  “Hallo,” he returned, showing that slightly crooked smile of his. He moved further into the room, seeming tentative. As if he was a bit unsure of himself.

  “You’re dressed so nice today. Are you going somewhere special?” she asked, taking one step toward him.

  “Ja.” His answer sounded positive but not very committal.

  She tilted her head in confusion. “Where are you going?”

  His smile widened slightly, causing his dark eyes to sparkle. Oh, how she loved it when he smiled or laughed. It lit up her whole world.

  “To see you,” he said.

  “Ach, did you need some more books for Sam? I’m afraid you’ll have to go to the library and check them out yourself. You see, I’m leaving first thing in the morning and won’t be able to do it any longer. I’m afraid that I...”

  “Don’t go.”

  He spoke low. So softly that she almost didn’t catch his words. But she did hear. At least, she thought she did. Two little words that hung in the air between them, leaving her speechless.

  “What...what did you say?” she finally asked, thinking her own wishes were causing her to hear things that weren’t real.

  He came to stand just before her. She stared up at him without blinking, feeling transfixed by his gaze.

  “I said, don’t go. Please stay,” he reiterated.

  Okay, so she wasn’t hearing things. But what good would staying a few more days do them? It would only make the pain last longer.

  She turned away, picking up a feather duster. To give herself something to do, she fluttered it across her already clean desktop. The movement gave her a badly needed distraction.

  He gripped her upp
er arm gently, causing her to go very still. Slowly, he turned her to face him and she was forced to meet his eyes.

  “I can’t stay any longer, Jesse. I’m going home. I’ve got to find work. There’s so much to be done. I’ve got to send out more applications and...” She rambled on, trying to convince herself that it was the right thing to do.

  “I love you.”

  No, no! It couldn’t be true. She couldn’t believe him.

  “Don’t say things that aren’t true,” she snapped.

  “But it is true. I mean it, Becca. I love you, so very much.”

  He tried to take her hand but she pulled away, refusing to listen. Vernon had said he loved her too and it had been a lie. Now, Jesse was doing the same thing. Telling her what she wanted to hear before he broke her heart again.

  She kept on chattering away, feeling nervous with him standing so close. “It’s been wonderful working here. I’ve loved teaching Sam and the other children but I have to go now.”

  “Becca! Listen to me. I love you! And I mean it. Please, don’t turn away from me.” His voice sounded a bit anxious, as if he were afraid.

  She whirled on him, her feelings a riot of unease. Oh, how she longed to believe him. But what if he were lying to her?

  “You don’t mean it. Not really,” she said.

  “I do mean it. Every word. I’m not some silly boy, Becca. I know my own mind. I love you. Would you mind not returning to Ohio at all?” he asked.

  She swallowed, thinking she’d misunderstood him again, yet knowing her hearing was fine. “I... I’m afraid that isn’t possible now. I heard you and Sam yesterday, out back by the horse barn. I know you two have reconciled and Sam is speaking again. That’s so wonderful. But my work is done here. I have to go.”

  He showed a slight frown, his gaze never leaving hers. “Hmm. You heard my conversation with Sam? All of it?”