Love in Lockdown

by Chloe James

  It soon became really obvious we weren’t going to work as a couple. Sam and his partner Tina were getting married, I missed my parents, my health started to deteriorate again. I realised running away wasn’t the answer; my kidney disease is a part of me, of who I am. I tried to explain to Laura, offered for her to come back to the UK with me, but she wouldn’t. She said I was being boring, giving in. She wanted to travel, she needed excitement and fun, the spontaneous barman she’d met in Agios Nikolaos, but that guy wasn’t really me.

  All I can say is, this lockdown, meeting you, the whole situation has given me time to think and realise I need to grow up. Stop running, accept how I am, who I am, what I am.

  For nearly a year I’ve been trying to divorce Laura. I knew the relationship wasn’t working. We are totally wrong for each other. But Laura refused to accept it. It’s made things so difficult. I’ve been constantly on to the solicitors, served her the divorce papers, but she just ignored them. In desperation I paid for them to be delivered and signed for. But still nothing from her and I figured I’d leave it until we had been separated long enough for a divorce to be granted naturally as we had been apart for a couple of years.

  But now I realise yet again I was just hiding from reality. It’s you I need to thank for helping me see this. You’ve helped me understand how I feel. I’m just sorry I came out with all that stuff the other night and in the wrong way. No wonder you aren’t talking to me. I hate thinking of you sitting in your flat, going about your daily life angry with me, believing I’m a total waste of space. I hope you might forgive me and just be my friend again, because to be honest you’re the best mate I’ve ever had. I’ve never nearly met anyone like you … and you do make the best chocolate crispy cakes ever.

  With very best wishes,

  Your upstairs neighbour Jack

  Erica gives me one of those looks, which shout loud and clear whose side she’s on. I’m silent for a moment, digesting Jack’s words, ruminating on them, whilst anxiously scoffing biscuits. I just can’t help it, I always stress-eat. I often drive everyone nuts in the cinema because as the film gets more tense, I munch more and more popcorn until whoever’s sitting next to me gives me an annoyed nudge and I realise what I’ve been doing.

  ‘You’ve eaten half the pack, Soph!’ Erica picks up the crumpled and seriously depleted packet of custard creams.

  ‘I feel sick now.’

  ‘So …’ Erica watches me put the remaining biscuits back in the cupboard.

  ‘So?’

  ‘What did you think of what he said?’

  ‘I don’t know. It’s so hard. I mean I kind of feel sorry for him. I know how it feels to have a health condition and at least mine’s only been recent. On the other hand my new resolve to stop being a pushover is already clearly wavering. The trouble is I can always see the other person’s point of view.’

  ‘Yeah but on the other hand, I can understand why he didn’t say more about Laura. It sounds as though it was a pretty messed-up relationship.’

  ‘I guess, it’s just that after Ryan and his repressed, “I can’t talk about how I’m feeling” issues, until suddenly he just couldn’t deal with my health or my change of career or anything, I’ve found it really hard to trust any guy again and I felt as though Jack was different. Maybe I was wrong.’

  I put my head down on my knees, trying to block out the memory of the day Ryan had dropped the bombshell that he was finishing with me, totally out of the blue. We had been walking out in the forest, just like any other walk and he’d just turned to me and out of nowhere said, ‘Soph … I think we should delay the wedding.’

  ‘Delay it? Why?’ I’d asked, shocked.

  ‘Because I think this condition …’

  ‘Epilepsy. It has a name.’

  ‘Yes, your epilepsy,’ he continued, saying it as though it was something only I have, and as disdainfully as if it were leprosy. ‘Because of your epilepsy I think maybe we should delay the wedding until you feel better.’ He couldn’t have chosen a more volatile topic or rubbish use of words. Uncontrolled epilepsy is a stealer of freedom, of your independence, of any kind of social life at all. After my first seizure, there was concern but it was soon forgotten, swept under the carpet in the hope it was an isolated incident. Within days of my second, I was completely and utterly relegated to the status of toddler. By my mother and sister at least. Ryan coped by pretending it didn’t exist. If we didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t there.

  ‘Feel better?’ I’d asked incredulously.

  ‘You know what I mean.’ He hadn’t met my eyes, choosing instead to stare randomly at a tree branch hanging overhead.

  ‘No, I don’t.’ I had stopped in the middle of the path; everything around us had seemed to come to a screaming halt too. ‘I feel fine, Ryan, most of the time. At least the meds work, at least I don’t have seizures any more and can go out and actually do things. I’m the same person you’ve been going out with for the past five years.’

  ‘Yes, but are you?’ he had asked, his dark eyes boring into mine. ‘You’ve thrown away all those years of work. You chucked it all in. I don’t understand – you’ve thrown away everything you studied for. Then you announce you want to teach, to do something more meaningful for goodness’ sake. How am I supposed to feel? You make it sound as though being a lawyer is worthless. Thanks a lot.’

  I’d been silent for a moment. I really hadn’t meant to make him feel that way. ‘I didn’t mean it like that, just that I needed to do something where I felt I was giving something back.’

  But he had carried on oblivious. ‘I went along with you training to be a teacher, hoping it was just a phase. You might have tried teaching and hated it. How was I to know you’d love your new life and would leave me behind with your old one? We had so many plans. We were going to have kids soon for goodness’ sake. I thought maybe you’ve overdone it. Perhaps you needed a break, to sort your head out.’

  I’d wanted to push him off the path we were standing on. He had wanted to have kids soon, I hadn’t been so sure. He’d had it all so neatly worked out: we would be the perfect team of lawyers, as his mum and dad had been before. Although it was fine for me to give up my law career to have his kids, but not to do what I wanted to do; he wasn’t interested in my feelings. As I stood looking at him, I began to wonder if I ever knew him at all. ‘There’s nothing wrong with my head, thank you. Lots of people have seizures. It’s quite common. It’s just made me rethink things and change my priorities.’ I’d looked at him pleadingly. ‘I hoped you might understand.’

  ‘I do understand. I just think you shouldn’t be too hasty. Maybe this …’ he had hesitated a fraction too long, then continued as he met my steely glare ‘… epilepsy is making you feel different but once you’ve got used to it, you’ll go back to being your old self.’

  ‘Maybe I don’t want to be my old self. Perhaps I want more than that now. I want to be someone who does something that matters.’

  ‘Being a lawyer does matter,’ he’d said defensively.

  ‘Yes.’ I’d realised I was still offending him, so I’d struggled to try to explain. ‘Being a lawyer is a fantastic job, but I want to give something back, work with kids. Change something about this tired, jaded old world.’

  ‘But you never mentioned this when I met you.’ Looking at his puzzled face I had felt a little sorry for him. He’d been genuinely shocked at what happened. He just couldn’t keep up.

  ‘No because I didn’t feel that way then, but now I do.’

  After a long pause, Ryan had said quietly, ‘Maybe you don’t even want to marry me any more.’

  ‘I did,’ I’d said sadly. ‘I do, but you have to accept me for who I am.’

  He’d shaken his head. ‘I’m just not sure who you are any more, Sophia.’

  And in that moment it had ended, along with my job and everything else that I thought had been sorted so perfectly.

  ‘I’m no expert on men,’ says Erica, putting her arm round
me, ‘but I suspect Jack is totally different from Ryan. To be honest, I always felt Ryan was the sort of guy for whom appearances mattered more than reality. I mean … look at his mother.’

  I chuckle. ‘I know what you mean. The old-school – can’t talk about our feelings or emotions; illness is a weakness.’ I remember him once telling me about the time the family cat died and it was as though he had never even existed. He was just never mentioned again. There was certainly no talking about it. Ryan’s family are worryingly repressed when it comes to emotions.

  ‘That’s the one. But Jack has been so kind: sending down drinks; he’s regularly phoning Bertie, Mavis and several more otherwise very lonely people pretty much every day.’

  ‘I know. He’s a decent guy.’ I dry my eyes with the tissue she gives me. ‘It’s just all been too much lately, this whole lockdown thing. Mum, you, the kids at school – I worry about everything. And much as I like Jack, I just don’t think I can put myself out there again.’

  ‘I know it’s hard, Miss Worrywart, and that’s why we all love you so much, because you care. But for just one moment let yourself enjoy something for what it is. Jack’s just a friend and right now a fairly lonely one who has been through a lot and thinks he’s really upset you. Give him and yourself a chance. Otherwise you’ll regret it.’

  Chapter 20

  Jack

  For the first time in a couple of weeks I can’t be bothered to get out of bed. I’ve got a whole load of stuff to do, but no real inclination to do any of it. I switch on my phone, hoping there might be something from Sophia. I flick onto the message I sent her a couple of days ago and it says ‘read’, yesterday evening at 8 p.m. I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or not. Surely if she’d forgiven me she would have replied.

  Yesterday evening had gone on forever. I’d wandered about the flat aimlessly picking things up and putting them down again. I’d half-heartedly played the guitar, ready for our balcony music night this week, but it hadn’t really felt right. Some days, however hard you try, the notes don’t sing out and the melody doesn’t flow.

  I kept the balcony door open and at one point, pulled up my trusty wine box, full of hope that there might be a reply. The note and the bacon butty had gone but the box was sadly empty. It felt symbolic of my current life without Sophia. I’ve had to put the box on top of the cupboard because even the sight of it reminds me of what an idiot I’ve been.

  Whilst I’m staring at my phone screen, a message pings up. Is it her? No it’s Marge.

  A little bird told me about you and Sophia. Just know this, matey, if you upset that girl, you’ll have me and the rest of the block to deal with. She’s an exceptional young woman and has been through enough crap lately without jerks with wives they’ve kept hidden in the woodwork. Watch your step, sonny. Marge.

  What the heck? She’s even put an emoji with eyes peering to one side as though they’re looking at me. Is she for real? In any case who is this little bird? I haven’t told anyone except maybe Mavis but she’s a kind old soul. She would never tell Marge and in any case she’s been sympathetic. This is all I need, the vengeance of the neighbourhood. It’s not like I can even run away at the moment. As I’m fretting about this threatening message from Marge, another text comes in; loudly announcing its arrival and making me jump.

  Hear you might not have anyone to do your shopping now. Do let me know if you’d like any extras. I’m only just across the way. I can be right there in seconds, Anna xx

  For goodness’ sake, with neighbours like these, I think the prime minister should increase the social distancing rules to twenty metres just to be on the safe side.

  I look at myself in the mirror, to see tufts of hair beginning to grow back and dark shadows under my eyes. Man, I need to pull myself together and sort my life out. Grabbing a banana and some soya yoghurt with honey (it’s natural so must be healthy) I sit at my laptop and start to trawl through college courses simultaneously spooning in a large mouthful. Erm yeah, I’d rather eat my sugar-laden bad-for-you box of cereal. Manfully I swallow down as much of my healthy breakfast as I can.

  The course I’ve found at the local college, only half an hour away, looks great. The college is renowned for its ‘pioneering work in chiropractic and sports massage’ and has a course I would love. If only I can get in, that is. I’m going to have to give my CV an overhaul. I’m just reading a hideously outdated version I did before I went to Greece when my phone rings.

  ‘Hi, Sam,’ I say.

  ‘It isn’t Sam, it’s Tina. I was just calling for a chat.’

  ‘Oh – hi, Tina.’ I am surprised I must admit, as although I get on well with her and we often might have a quick chat on one of Sam’s FaceTime calls, I don’t remember the last time she actually phoned me. ‘How’s Carrie?’

  ‘Gorgeous, she’s really smiling now and she’s so aware of what’s going on all the time. It’s a bit sad, but sometimes I just sit and gaze at her because I can’t believe she’s here.’

  ‘I can understand that,’ I say. ‘It is miraculous.’

  ‘She is exhausting though! But now she’s nearly going four hours between feeds at night some of the time.’ This still sounds like some kind of torture to me, but I decide it’s probably best not to say anything.

  ‘Wow I knew you’d soon get her trained, all those episodes of Supernanny you watched paid off!’

  ‘She’s a bit young for that yet.’ Tina laughs. ‘But she loves singing and music. You’ll have to play your guitar to her again later – she went straight to sleep during your performance the other night.’

  ‘Doesn’t bode well for our balcony music night coming up – mind you, it might help people who are struggling with insomnia!’

  Tina laughs again. ‘Speaking of balconies, is everything okay with you and Sophia?’

  Oh for goodness’ sake, I might as well put out a press release or get a megaphone and shout it from my balcony. ‘Does everyone know about this?’ I ask.

  ‘I don’t know. Just Sam said you had been really down and I wondered if it was to do with Sophia.’

  ‘You don’t miss anything do you? Is that what you call feminine intuition?’

  ‘Yep, that’s the one and it’s usually pretty accurate. Am I right or am I right?’

  I sigh heavily. ‘Okay, I give up, you’re right. I messed things up with Sophia.’

  ‘I can’t believe you have. What did you do? Hang on, wait a minute.’ I can hear little Carrie crying in the background. ‘Sam?’ she calls. ‘Can you pick her up please?’ There’s crackling on the other end of the line. ‘Okay, I’m back. Sam is pretty good at cuddles and she’s not due a feed until twelve. Where were we? Sorry, I still need to majorly catch up on sleep.’

  ‘I was telling you where I messed up with Sophia. I think it was the point where I got very tipsy and having told her I just want to be near her, when she was probably thinking I’m some weird creep, I announced I’m still married to Laura.’

  Tina lets out a breath. ‘Oops. You really know how to woo a girl don’t you?’

  ‘Yep that’s me. A total expert on dating,’ I say sarcastically.

  ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself. The main thing is, have you explained how you feel? Or have you gone all I-don’t-want-to-talk-about-it.’

  ‘I wrote her a letter.’

  ‘Good start.’ Tina sounds impressed. ‘Has she replied?’

  ‘No not yet,’ I admit, ‘but maybe she will.’

  ‘Hmm,’ she says, ‘unlikely.’ I feel unexpectedly crushed. If Tina thinks I’ve even gone about fixing things the wrong way, what hope do I have? ‘It will have helped,’ she goes on, easing the discomfort in my chest, ‘but you’re going to have to do a whole lot more work, Jack Stanton, if you want to dig yourself out of this mess.’

  ‘I don’t know.’ That letter was the only move I had. ‘What else can I do? I could get some flowers delivered.’

  ‘No, it needs something more inventive than that,’ Tina repli
es, unimpressed. ‘What does she want more than anything else?’

  ‘I don’t know and even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to get it for her,’ I point out. ‘I’m pretty broke on furlough and can’t go anywhere anyway.’

  ‘Well, if you want to give up so easily …’

  ‘No I don’t – I really like this girl, Tina. I know it sounds strange when we haven’t even met but …’

  ‘It’s okay, I get it, but you’re going to have to think outside the box, something really special – and above all be open and honest with her …’

  ‘Okay I’ll think of something,’ I promise. ‘And thanks, Tina. Whatever Sam says about you, you’re the best.’

  She laughs. ‘I like to try. Bye, Jack.’

  She’s right. I do need to think of something amazing and different, just to convince Sophia I’m not some idiot who will let her down. I finish the application form for the Chiropractic College and press send, then sit staring at a piece of paper hoping for an idea to come to me. I don’t know why anyone sits looking at a blank piece of paper hoping an idea will come to them as if by magic. It really doesn’t work. What did Sophia say she likes? I’m not really sure other than children, food, alcohol, music … There must be loads of possibilities with this. But there’s nothing special in any of my ideas – they’re all really mundane. What did she say she really missed? Hugs, her family – well I can’t do much about that – she obviously misses the countryside as she said the first thing she’d do after lockdown was go to Sparrow Hill. Can’t do anything about that either.

  I draw a line through my page and turn it over. By now it’s getting to dusk. The shadows on the walls are lengthening. I look up as a pigeon flies past the window, but all I see is its shadow, an outline of a bird flying to a nearby rooftop with a fine twig in its beak. It must be nesting.

  ‘That’s it!’ I exclaim to myself and then laugh as I really have lost it, shouting out loud to no one in particular. I need to phone Bertie, who is due his regular call, but after that I have some friends from Greece who might just be able to help me create an amazing surprise for Sophia.