Love in Lockdown

by Chloe James

  ‘You told me it was over. What was I supposed to think?’ she’s saying in an urgent undertone. ‘You couldn’t even bring yourself to mention the word epilepsy. The seizures are under control at the moment but I’m still the same person …’

  There’s a pause and I can imagine he’s trying to persuade her at the other end of the phone. ‘I know, this lockdown has made us all reconsider things; it’s given us time to think.’ There’s another silence. ‘Of course I missed some of the things we had together. Yes it would be good to see you when lockdown’s over. It’s been so …’

  This is too much for me. I don’t want to hear what she’s about to say. I rush back inside my flat, shutting the balcony doors with a bang on the outside world, firmly closing them on any hopes I may have had that Sophia considers me as anything more than some random guy in the flat upstairs, whom she feels sorry for because he can’t go out.

  Chapter 35

  Sophia

  I press the red button on my phone and throw myself down on the sofa. On second thoughts, I switch it off totally in a useless gesture, as though it’s going to shut Ryan out. Why does he have to do this now? If he’d phoned a few months ago, I would have been so happy, overjoyed to go back to where we were. The wedding, everything could have been back on. But now? I just don’t know. Ironically, although lockdown has given Ryan ‘time to reconsider how he feels’ as he puts it, it has given me time too. I’m not sure what to think. Things are so different now. I don’t think I’m even the same person.

  ‘I’ve realised I just can’t be without you, Soph,’ Ryan told me, after the preliminary pleasantries about how I am and how he is and how terrible the whole pandemic thing is. I hadn’t known what to say. ‘I won’t go as far as saying I get why you changed your job,’ he had explained, ‘but I’m happy to go with it. As long as you don’t give me lines for not finishing my homework on time.’

  I know he was joking, but somehow there’s a sting in the tail of his sentence and I can’t help but feel resentful about his choice of words. I don’t know why, but just speaking to him has opened up the same old nagging wounds and yet, paradoxically, it was good to hear his voice. You simply can’t be with someone for five years and not feel anything for them. It would be great if you could just switch it all off and forget everything with copious amounts of chocolate and large doses of vodka but their effects are only a transient numbing.

  Still, I decide nevertheless to drag myself off the sofa and grab a bar of chocolate. I take a bite and contemplate phoning Jess, but immediately dismiss the idea. She will just go crazy with excitement and have both of us married off by Christmas. She adores Ryan and seems totally impervious to his imperfections. She just doesn’t understand that I was never able to discuss my meds or their side effects with Ryan; to him they were an inconvenience, an irritation. Yet Jack seemed to understand well before I’d even started trying to explain.

  ‘How’s Ryan supposed to understand what it’s like to have epilepsy?’ she had said when we first split. ‘I know he’s been insensitive, but it’s a big shock to those around you.’

  ‘But, Jess, you’ve been able to accept how it’s changed me. Mum has too, albeit with a bit of a discussion around things,’ I had protested.

  ‘Oh come on, Soph, Mum went nuts initially; you know she did.’

  ‘Yeah okay, she did,’ I had admitted reluctantly. ‘But I can understand that. To be fair she’d helped fund law school, so it’s hardly surprising it was a shock that I suddenly wanted to throw it all away and train to be a teacher.’

  ‘Bottom line is, she’s your mum and she pretty much forgives you anything. It’s a mum thing. Totally different with guys – look how Zach didn’t get it that time I wanted to go to Spain rather than the trip he planned to Holland.’

  ‘That’s hardly the same thing,’ I point out wearily.

  ‘Yeah but they just don’t get it at first.’

  ‘I’m sure some do,’ I had said.

  ‘Not many,’ she’d replied.

  Jack does, my heart points out now. But you don’t even really know him, you’ve never met, the voice of reason chimes in. I know he’s nice, my heart insists, you can just tell these things. Reason gives voice to my worst fear, the one I’ve been burying for weeks now: What if it’s just that part of him you’ve seen? You don’t know the whole Jack. If you actually met him, you might find that this whole relationship doesn’t even exist. It’s all in your head. Besides, the reasonable voice continues, the guy’s still married, he’s made mistakes before and he probably doesn’t feel the same way about you, even if he thinks he might. Look at what happened with Laura. And worse, look at Elsie and Bertie – she kept a huge secret from him and they’d been married for sixty years. Maybe he didn’t know her at all.

  The doubts rumble on, feeding into my insecurities and loss of trust. How do I know if whatever I have with Jack is real? I haven’t even met him. Our relationship could be like a holiday romance, intense and wonderful at the time, but fizzles out under the glare of reality.

  It’s no good, I can’t think about it any more now. Ryan’s going to have to wait. I have to collect Tilly to take her to Bertie’s, and Jack and I still haven’t decided what we’re going to do about the letter. It sits in my wardrobe drawer, waves of guilt crashing over my head every time I inadvertently think about it. I’ve spoken to Chris, my stepdad’s friend who says the box is a wonderful item and it will be a pleasure to restore it. It will take at least a week’s work, but I know that Bertie will be so pleased to have it back to its old self, so Jack and I are clubbing together to pay and Chris will do it for slightly reduced mate’s rates.

  Just as I’m leaving the house, my mum phones. ‘Hi, sorry, Mum, I’m just off to pick up a dog,’ I answer. ‘I’ll put you on hands-free.’

  ‘Why a dog?’ asks my mum, confused.

  ‘Not for me, for my neighbour Bertie. He’s lonely and one of Erica’s friends can’t look after hers so …’

  ‘Sounds like a win-win situation then.’

  ‘Pretty much. Speaking of which,’ I add, ‘I need your advice.’

  ‘Fire away.’

  ‘If you found out a secret about someone in a letter, but you thought the truth of it might hurt them, would you keep the letter from them, or would you give it to them regardless?’

  ‘Give it to them regardless,’ says Mum, without missing a beat. ‘Just a minute; my bleep’s going … Okay don’t worry, it’s nothing urgent. I’ll phone them in a second. This isn’t something about me, is it?’ she asks with sudden concern.

  ‘No.’ I laugh. ‘No, I’d just tell you if it were. It’s Bertie. I found a letter from his wife, who sadly died last year. I inadvertently saw something in it that he needs to know.’

  ‘Then you must tell him,’ she says decisively.

  ‘Yeah I know. I just felt bad about it as he’s on his own and I was worried about the shock, then this dog came up and you know …’

  ‘No, you just need to tell him. Give him the dog as well by all means, but it’s important you let him know. People are stronger than you think. He’ll be fine as long as you all support him.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum. I know I should have done it straight away,’ I say guiltily. ‘I’m just in such a mess with everything. I thought I was doing really well and now it feels like it’s all falling apart.’ I try to stifle a sob. This is ridiculous. How old am I to be crying on the phone to my mum? Somehow everything’s built up and I haven’t wanted to worry Jess with it.

  ‘Well, you do tend to take a lot on all at once,’ Mum comforts me. ‘I can’t think who you take after!’

  ‘I know, I like to be busy.’ I sniff. ‘It’s just … Ryan’s got back in touch and it’s thrown me totally.’

  She pauses. ‘I’m not surprised that’s thrown you, love.’ Her voice becomes muffled as she turns to someone in her office. ‘Just a minute, I’m going to field this call.’

  ‘Do you need to go? I don’t want to stop you wor
king?’

  ‘No, I’m on a break. I was told to get some fresh air. It’s been a full-on morning.’

  ‘I’m sorry, and here I am offloading my worries on you.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, that’s what mums are for. So, Ryan’s come crawling back has he?’

  ‘Something like that.’ I take a bite of chocolate, hoping it will make me feel better. It doesn’t actually; now I just feel slightly sick, as I’ve eaten it too fast.

  ‘What did he say?’

  ‘Oh just that he’d made a mistake, and can we start again?’

  She’s quiet for a moment, then she asks, ‘Do you want to? He’s such a nice, steady chap.’

  ‘I just don’t know – that’s the problem. I’m confused. This could be my opportunity to get my life back on track. Now I love my career and Ryan and I could give it another go.’ I pause for a second. ‘But then there’s Jack.’ I can’t even bring myself to suggest to my mum that I’m considering gambling my entire love life on a stranger.

  ‘The lad you’ve been looking after upstairs? But you’ve never met him, Soph. That’s not really a relationship is it? You don’t even know him.’

  I sigh. ‘I know I don’t. But somehow it feels as though I do.’

  ‘Bit different when you were with Ryan for five years though – you’ve got a whole lot of history. What does Jess say?’

  ‘I haven’t told her. You know what she’s like!’ I exclaim.

  ‘Yes, to be fair she does get a bit … enthusiastic, but it’s only because she cares,’ Mum acknowledges. ‘She’s always so thoughtful and quite brilliant with Uncle Jim. She’s been dropping supplies to his front door every week, except during her honeymoon when I did it.’

  ‘I didn’t know – that’s so good of her,’ I admit. Then I smile. ‘I hope the neighbour didn’t run off with it again.’

  ‘No, that seems to have settled down, although there’s a new hoo-ha now,’ Mum says, forgetting that we were talking about Ryan and me. ‘Apparently he’s been watering the flowers on his balcony so exuberantly it’s been raining down on the woman below!’

  There’s a beeping noise in the background. ‘Sorry, love,’ she tells me, ‘I really do have to go. Anyway look after yourself. Cheer up and just let things lie for now with Ryan. Time will tell and after all if you still really love him, you’ll know it’s the right thing for you to get back together.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum. I’ll let it simmer for a while.’

  I ponder my mum’s words as I drive to collect Tilly. She’s right; I don’t need to make a decision about anything for a moment. I’ll just park it all – Ryan, Jack, epilepsy meds. It can all wait.

  Picking up Tilly from Jan is every bit as traumatic as I thought it would be. We try to keep it as businesslike as possible so as not to prolong the agony and I give her Bertie’s details so they can stay in touch and she can hear how Tilly has settled in. Tilly is full of beans and as her owner wipes away a tear at the front door, Tilly thinks it’s all an adventure and leaps into my car enthusiastically.

  It’s only a short drive home before I arrive in the little parking lot, call Tilly out and take her rather touchingly stashed pink bag of goodies and belongings Jan has packed for her. We walk the few minutes round to Bertie’s little terraced place, with its garden chock full of hollyhocks and delphiniums.

  Mavis is walking along the other side of the pavement. ‘Oh my goodness,’ she calls, ‘what a dear little dog! Is this the new inmate for Bertie?’

  ‘Yes,’ I reply. ‘Little Tilly is going to keep him company.’

  ‘She’s perfect.’ She smiles. ‘I won’t stop you. I can see Tilly’s on a mission, but I’ll come by Bertie’s tomorrow on my way to the shop and see if he wants anything.’

  ‘Thanks, Mavis, you’ve been a star checking in on him every time you go out.’

  ‘It’s a pleasure. I’m fond of him and to be honest, it’s nice to have a quick catch-up; otherwise days can go by in this lockdown and you don’t ever see a soul. Speaking of which …’ She gets a beady look in her eye that almost reminds me of Marge. ‘How’s things with you and Jack?’

  ‘He’s good thanks,’ I say, deliberately misunderstanding her. ‘I’ve got pretty used to him being upstairs. I can’t really remember what it was like without him.’

  ‘Yes it’s strange how that can happen and often when you least expect it.’ She gives me a funny little wink and wanders off towards the small parade of shops at the end of the street.

  Tilly seems to have some kind of sixth sense and drags me to Bertie’s gate. His front garden earns her approval as she sniffs round the small mossy patch of lawn. The door opens and Bertie squats down on the doorstep with some difficulty, his arms stretched wide. I grab my phone from my pocket and get ready to film, before shutting the gate behind me and letting Tilly’s lead go. As I press play, she runs forward to Bertie, her tail so full of wags, it’s become a blur and she leaps with both her front paws on his chest and covers his face with kisses.

  He laughs, and putting his arms round her he slowly topples backwards so that he’s sprawling on the pathway, still chuckling, which Tilly seems to take as a signal to jump on his face.

  ‘What a lovely dog she is then,’ he says, once he can recover himself. ‘Yes, yes plenty of fuss – that’s what you like isn’t it? Don’t like being on your own do you? Don’t blame you. Well you’ll have plenty of love and cuddles in this house, my love.’

  Tilly seems to understand every word he says, wagging her brown and white tail in big swirls, effectively sweeping the path with its movement. I take some more pictures of both of them, as Bertie leads Tilly round the front little patch of garden, talking to her all the time and introducing her to everything. It doesn’t matter what he’s saying; Tilly obviously just thinks he is great.

  I give them a few moments whilst I lean on the wall and send the videos and pictures to Jack. Look at this – pretty successful don’t you think? x

  Within minutes, he’s replied, Brilliant! Brought a tear to my eye x

  Me too, speak later? x

  Looking forward to it. Maybe a drink and some nibbles as well? x

  Perfect, on the balcony at 7 p.m.? x

  Done, looking forward to it already x

  I look up at Bertie and Tilly, a smile on my face. There’s something about Jack that just makes me feel like that, in spite of all the issues I’ve had going on – my meds, Ryan, Jess – I’m more settled somehow, as though I can take on the world and things will still be okay. He’s such an upbeat kind of guy.

  ‘I don’t know how to thank you, Sophia,’ says Bertie. ‘I’d give you a hug if I could. Just know this: you have done more than you’ll ever know.’

  I look at his weathered face, with his laughter lines and sparse grey hair and I am assailed by guilt over the secret I’m keeping. ‘It was no trouble,’ I tell him. ‘I’ve loved every minute of it.’ I bend to stroke Tilly’s head. She’s scratching at my leg, tail a-wag all the time. ‘I’d better leave you two to get acquainted with each other.’ I need to leave before I blurt something out. It’s not the right moment.

  Bertie strokes the dog, who has come and sat down by his side, as though she knows who she belongs to. ‘Before you go, Sophia, I just wondered …’

  I pause, my hand on the gate. ‘Anything you need?’

  ‘No it’s just, I had the strangest thing happen today,’ he tells me, hesitating. ‘I had an email from someone.’

  ‘Not one of those scammers?’ I ask, feeling immediately protective.

  ‘No, at least I don’t think so, it was from a Flora Bird.’

  I look at him questioningly.

  ‘She says she’s Elsie’s daughter.’

  Chapter 36

  Jack

  I sit and watch the video of Bertie and Tilly for the umpteenth time. I can hear Sophia in the background of one of them and I play it again a couple of times, just enjoying the sound of her voice. This is really sad; I’m totally obsessed wit
h a girl I’ve never met. But then, perhaps like someone who is missing their vision, my other senses have become sharpened. I can tell that Sophia is the one. I can’t be wrong – I know somewhere inside that we connect on a deeper level, something I didn’t think I’d ever say.

  My phone starts buzzing – Sam is calling, requesting FaceTime. ‘Hey how’s it going?’ he asks.

  ‘Good thanks. I’m just sitting here watching a clip of Bertie and his new dog.’

  ‘Did Sophia manage to sort it then? Is there nothing this girl can’t do?’

  ‘Obviously not,’ I say, feeling somehow proud. ‘She is pretty amazing. How’re Carrie and Tina?’

  ‘We took Carrie out in the buggy again today for our daily exercise, though the city parks were pretty full so it was hard to distance and Tina got a bit anxious. We just made sure we walked round people. Carrie loved it; she had a huge beam on her face. I think she’s going to be an animal lover. She’s fascinated by the ducks on the pond; the birds in the garden and anything that moves really. She’s such a bright little thing.’

  ‘Takes after her Uncle Jack then.’ I feel a little sad, disappointed that she’s already developing into a little person and I haven’t even met her yet.

  ‘So, how’s Sophia?’

  ‘I don’t know. I think I heard her on the phone to her ex last night. He wants her back.’ Even the words make my heart sink further; somehow saying them makes it all feel more real.

  ‘Has she told you that?’

  ‘No,’ I admit.

  ‘Then how do you know? You’re just guessing, and you don’t even know what she thinks about the whole thing. Why don’t you ask her?’