Of Birds and Beagles

by Leslie O'Kane

  She took an inordinate amount of time getting the gun cases put away in the metal chest. She seemed to be really reluctant to cede to my wishes. “You could also just drop me off at the nearest bus station, Jana,” I told her as she slammed the hatchback shut. “I don’t mind taking the bus back to Boulder.

  “No, it’s fine, Allie. This was my mistake. I’m the one who changed the agenda. Let’s head ‘em up and move ‘em out.”

  I still felt uncomfortable, but I followed her as we walked across a marshy area toward higher ground. During our initial phone conversation about this trip, Jana had said she’d give me the controls for a couple of the puppies’ collars. She was keeping hold of both controls for the dogs’ collars, though. I assumed that was because she could control two dogs herself but not the five that we’d originally anticipated training. We started to cross a small brook, the dogs sniffing and trotting along with us, and they stopped to drink some water.

  “Oh, hey, I was going to give you this,” she said, removing the two controls from her vest pocket. She tried to hand one to me, and promptly dropped it in the water. “Oops. Good thing it’s waterproof.” She examined that one and said, “This one’s Jabber’s. Here’s Mugwump’s.”

  She handed it to me. We started up a steep trail, which immediately made me nervous. “Aren’t pheasants and ducks usually on flat ground? Fields and marshes?” I asked.

  “Yeah, but since we’re not on a regular hunt anyway, we might as well get a good workout. This way Mugwump will be forced to follow Jabber, which is what he needs to learn to do anyway.”

  The puppy was managing to scramble up the rocky course. With my fear of heights, I was getting more and more anxious at the prospect of a cliff-face on the east side, but this path led to the west side of the slope, so I tried to assure myself that we were going on a cliff-less hike.

  Even so, this was a suspiciously steep climb. I found myself wondering if this trip of ours wasn’t starting to play out in a truly sinister manner. What if Jana had brought me here to “accidentally” shoot me with a large-game rifle? Once I’d foiled that plan, maybe she planned to shove me off the edge of a cliff.

  But that was ridiculous. I posed no threat to her. Furthermore, if I was shot and killed in a hunting “accident,” the police would conclude that Jana had killed Shirley by mistake and killed Kelsey intentionally, and now tried to make my murder look like a hunting accident. She would be essentially shooting herself in the foot, so to speak, by killing me.

  “Hey, Jana, if we’re heading toward even the shallowest of cliff-faces, I’m going to stop here. I have a fear of heights.”

  “No worries,” she said with a smile. “The so-called cliff is over that way.” She gestured with her right hand.

  “Good,” I muttered. Even so, I was starting to experience minor vertigo. I needed to turn myself around and get back on flat land as quickly as possible. The crest of this mountain was in sight. The dogs had gotten considerably ahead of us, and I wondered why Jana allowed them to do so.

  “Hey, Jana? I think I’m going to—”

  She held up her hand to shush me, then removed a plastic slingshot from her backpack, and, while making a popping noise with her lips, sent a fake bird—resembling the one she’d used the other day—flying up out of sight. “Dead bird,” she cried. Jabber took off after it, as did Mugwump.

  “What are you doing?” I cried, perturbed that she’d said nothing about launching a fake bird today.

  “Training Mugwump,” she retorted.

  We crested the hill, Jana scrambling up at an impressive clip. Then she started cursing. “Whoa!” she hollered. “Whoa! Mugwump! Stop! Come!”

  I was still a few yards behind her, trying to catch up, and was stunned that she’d actually fired her fake bird from this kind of terrain. It was way too dangerous for the dogs.

  “Push the button, Allie! Mugwump didn’t stop!”

  I snatched up the controls. Jabber made a slight yelp when I pushed the button. “You said these were Mugwump’s controls!” I said. “You must have gotten them switched. Press the button on your controls!”

  “These batteries are dead. It must have happened when I dropped the controls in the water.”

  “Let me see them.”

  I reached out, but she grabbed my wrist and yanked me up onto the crest of the craggy hill. If she’d done so any harder, she would have practically hurled me over the edge.

  “Your hands are shaking,” I noted. She was also panting. She looked downright maniacal. I could see Jabber, pointing straight ahead.

  Just then, there was a horrific yelp. I knew at once that it was Mugwump’s cry of pain.

  “Oh, crap!” Jana cried. She dropped Mugwumps control to the ground. “He fell!” She started racing past Jabber, toward the cliff.

  I automatically grabbed the controls. They felt lighter than Jabber’s. I stashed both in my vest.

  Gone were any thoughts of mine to stay safe and sound at this lower elevation. I raced after Jana. We needed one of those rescue packs that contained a sling that would allow us to carry Mugwump out.

  “You told me there wasn’t a cliff-face,” I scolded. She ignored me. Jabber, meanwhile, remained on the top with us, yipping excitedly.

  I reached the highest point of the property just a few steps behind Jana. I could hear Mugwump’s yelps. I was unable to go near the cliff to look over the edge.

  “God damn it! He’s on a tiny ledge,” Jana said, her voice choked with emotion. “He’s only about ten feet down. But he’s trapped there. If he gets too anxious and tries to climb up to us, he could fall three-hundred feet.”

  “Good Lord!” I got down on all fours, which still didn’t feel safe enough for me to look over the edge. I dropped to my elbows and essentially slithered so that I could see Mugwump from a prone position. I managed to see him. Thankfully, he looked fine, completely uninjured, which was a minor miracle.

  “What the hell were you thinking!?” I cried over my shoulder at Jana.

  Mugwump looked up at us. “Stay!” I called, pushing my palm at him.

  Jana was sobbing, sitting down, leaning against a boulder, looking pale and ill, her face covered with perspiration. “Maybe we can lift him out,” I told her.

  “We have to get help,” Jana said. “I’ll stay. You go.”

  I crawled away from the cliff and managed to control my whirling vision enough to get my backpack off. “If I can get ahold of Russell, he’ll be able to help us, or get someone else up here who can.” I started to rifle though my small daypack. “Where’s my cell phone? I put it in this pocket. Call my phone, okay?”

  I was thrown by Jana’s stony expression. She really had brought me up here, intending to kill me! She’d planned to shoot me with a rifle, but when that didn’t work, she wanted to lure me to the edge of a cliff and shove me off.

  “You took my cell phone out when you put the stupid protein bars in my pack! And you’d already taken the batteries out of Mugwump’s controls!”

  “Stop arguing with me! Mugwump needs help, now. We can’t mess with this.”

  Stunned speechless, I stared at her in horror. “What kind of an idiot monster are you?” I asked, so angry I could barely control myself. “You lured me up here to kill me. Just like you killed Kelsey, because you were jealous of her and Malcolm. Shirley must have gotten in your way. And you endangered a puppy. A puppy!

  “I didn’t think he’d fall. Yes, I wanted to push you over the cliff. I was just going to teach you a lesson. That’s all.”

  “Teach me a lesson?! You killed Shirley. And Kelsey.”

  “Shirley’s death was an accident. I just had to get rid of Kelsey. He was always, always going back to her. She had him wrapped around her finger. Even when he said he hated her, he’d be screwing her. I had no choice. But I needed to frame someone else for the crime. Shirley was the logical choice. I nabbed her dog and stuck him in the bedroom and fixed up the doggie door so that it would look like Kelsey lured the d
og into her house. Then I hid in Malcolm’s old room and waited for Kelsey to get home so I could shoot her, then hide the rifle and my gloves in Shirley’s woodpile, so it’d look like she shot Kelsey after getting into an argument over the dog. I thought I heard Kelsey opening the refrigerator, then talking on the phone. So I came out, ready to shoot Kelsey, but it was Shirley in Kelsey’s bedroom, telling someone on the phone that she was going to call the police.”

  “So you shot Shirley?”

  “I figured it would work the same in reverse. Kelsey would be thrown in jail for killing Shirley.” She let out a bark of laughter. “You know what she said to me? Her last words...as she lay bleeding out on the floor? ‘I thought Kelsey was trying to kill Toofroo. Get the brownies. I poisoned them. Don’t let Kelsey eat them.’”

  Jana let out a second sharp laugh. “It was almost the perfect crime. I tricked Shirley into killing Kelsey for nothing.” She shook her head. “But Malcolm was falling for you. I’d stupidly told him Russ was leaving you. He had the hots for you. It was only a matter of time. I tried telling him you’d done it. But he told me at the police station I was wrong. That he could see you weren’t a killer. That you were too nice. Everything just spiraled out of control.”

  Jabber was starting to whine, matching Mugwump’s constant mewling. The intensity of Jana’s bizarre behavior combined with the puppy falling was affecting him as well.

  “Jabber’s getting frantic, too. This is a powder keg. We can’t waste time like this. You have to get down to the pup and keep him quiet, while I go for help.” I grabbed onto Jana’s pack, worried that she’d hidden a handgun in it as Plan C. “Let me take this off,” I demanded. She pulled her arms free from the straps.

  I rifled through its contents. “There’s nothing useful in the goddamned pack! You took your cell phone out and wrapped up a couple of rocks in a jacket, so you could bludgeon me.”

  “Both cell phones are in the car. I...Malcolm says I’m crazy. He’s right. I can’t think straight. I wanted to make it look like self-defense. I wanted the police to blame you for the murders. And Malcolm and I would be happy together.”

  “Just...shut the hell up! I’m going to snap our backpacks’ straps together so that I can lower you down to Mugwump. Then I’m taking Jabber to the car and calling nine-one-one to get someone up here to get the two of you up and out. Then you can go to jail and rot there, for all I care.”

  “I didn’t know you were afraid of heights. I never would have tried this if I knew you weren’t going to climb high enough...”

  “To kill me. Awesome excuse for your dumbass behavior. Makes me feel so much better.”

  I clipped one strap from each pack together, then tied the nylon jackets to form loops on both ends. “This is going to have to do as a rope. You’re about five-six, five-seven. Hands to toes, that’ll be close to seven feet. This makeshift rope gives us another four feet. You’ll be able to touch down with both feet. I’ll have to lie on my stomach and let myself get dragged to the freaking edge.”

  I handed her one end of my makeshift rope and quickly sat down with the other end. Jana walked to the ledge.

  “It’s okay, Mugwhump,” she said as she looked down at him. “Good dog. Stay.” Her voice couldn’t have sounded less in control.

  She looked back at me. “I don’t think this will work.”

  “Yes, it will!” Calculating that I could flatten myself best and offer the most resistance on my stomach, I rolled over so onto my tummy. “Lower yourself on your stomach, and ease yourself down, as slowly as you can.”

  “It’s too dangerous. I’ll just sit here on the edge and talk to him.”

  “Listen to how badly he’s whining, Jana. He’s getting desperate. He’ll try to scramble up, and sooner or later, he’ll fall off the ledge. Roll over to face me, and get going. Now!”

  “Don’t let go. Okay?”

  I didn’t answer. I was so enraged, I couldn’t see straight, but I’d be damned if I let an innocent puppy get badly injured if I could possibly prevent it.

  I sent up a prayer and gripped the loop of the jacket with both hands, lying flat on the ragged surface of the red sandstone. Jana finally obeyed my instructions, easing her legs and finally her whole body over the ledge.

  I was instantly and quickly dragged forward toward the cliff. It felt like my worst nightmare realized. I felt myself all but black out in fear that I was going to be flung face first into a rocky abyss.

  Mercifully, Jana either let go or touched down. Either way, my hideous, painful slide stopped, just as my hands reached the edge of the cliff. I yanked the backpacks up, then whipped them over my shoulder behind me. Jabber joined me at the edge, looking down.

  “I’m okay,” Jana said.

  I wriggled closer to the edge and looked down. She was already sitting, her legs dangling over the ledge, holding Mugwump.

  Nauseated at the sight of her sitting on an edge like that, I had to close my eyes. “I’ll get help. Don’t do anything foolish.”

  “I couldn’t, even if I wanted to,” Jana replied.

  Once again I managed to crawl away from the cliff, until I could stagger to my feet. Jabber was willing to obey my “Come” command. We rapidly descended the same path we’d taken. I somehow managed to keep my feet under me and to keep going.

  I had what looked like road-rash that spread from my clavicle to my knees and was bleeding from several deep gashes. I had turned to the left in the process of being dragged. That hip, shoulder, elbow, and thigh sustained the most damage. It all felt irrelevant and was superficial. I just wanted to get back to Boulder.

  I was shaking and felt woozy. My brain was doing weird things. By the time I got back to Jana’s car, my head was pounding. I found the cell phones, and keyed in 911 on mine. It felt as if part of me was observing myself as I gave directions as best I could to the police.

  They sent a mountain rescue squad. My cell phone battery had died about twenty minutes into my conversation with the 911 dispatcher, and I hadn’t thought to ask Jana if she had a password on hers, which she did, so I couldn’t switch phones.

  I sat in her jeep and honked the horn periodically, and eventually, the squadron arrived, in two rugged-looking four-wheelers. Luckily I was able to point the way, and they didn’t need me to go with them.

  Jabber sat beside me, happy to let me pet him, knowing that his owner was being rescued and would be here. They came down the trail, one of the four rescuers carrying Mugwump and bringing up the rear, two others flanking Jana, who looked grimly determined, staring at the ground. One of them was carrying the linked-together backpacks and jackets. I watched Jana’s face only for a moment and realized that she didn’t want us to make eye contact with me any more than I did with her.

  Jabber, of course, scrambled out of the car in glee and ran up to her, his tail wagging, not caring about whatever had just happened, simply joyful that he and his beloved owner were reunited.

  One of the men introduced himself as Tom and offered to drive me home, which I gladly accepted, although I explained that I needed to be driven to my office where my car was parked. During the drive, I asked if I could use his cell phone, and I promptly called Russell. He answered, and I said, “Russ, it’s me. I’m on my way back to the office. Jana tried to kill me by pushing me off a cliff.”

  “What?” he cried. “Is everything okay? Are you hurt?”

  “I’m scratched up quite a bit. Not because she pushed me, but because I willing turned myself into...an anchor.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Well, in any case, Tom, a member of the rescue squad, is driving me.”

  “He’s taking you to the office? I’ll meet you there.”

  “Okay. And could you call my mom? Just tell her what I told you—that it’s Jana, not Frank, thank God. And that I’ll be home sometime soon. The police are probably going to want to interview me as soon as possible, and I don’t want her to flip out and think I’m near death, or anything.”<
br />
  “Will do. I’ll see you soon. I love you, Allida.”

  He hung up before I could reply.

  Chapter 26

  Several days later, I was anxiously awaiting Russell’s arrival at the office. He was going to give me his keys and a check for his share of next month’s rent. I hadn’t decided yet what I wanted to do about the office, but it did seem like the prudent thing to do would be to give myself a week or two to think about the matter.

  My anxiety now was due to Russell’s request that I be here so that he could say goodbye. If it had been up to me, I’d have allowed our conversation after I’d returned from Jana’s would-be murder attempt to serve as our goodbye. He’d held me for several minutes, while I cried into his chest. He’d told him how proud he was of me, and I’d thanked him for always being so kind to me under any and all circumstances.

  But here he was. I spotted his shoes as he strode past the window and heard him slowly opening the door. I gasped when I saw what he was carrying. My emotions instantly overwhelmed me, and I couldn’t even decide if I should be angry, sad, happy, grateful, or all of the above.

  He held out a tiny brown and white King Charles Cavalier puppy. One thing was certain; I couldn’t just leave him standing there, trying to hand me the most adorable puppy I’d ever seen.

  Taking the precious little animal into my arms, I said, “Oh, Russ. I don’t know what to say. Is this a parting gift?”

  He gave me the saddest smile I’ve ever seen, as my only answer. I cradled the puppy against my heart and could feel the warmth of his soft little body.

  Even so, I felt so discouraged and weary that I simply sat down on the floor, right where I happened to be standing. Russ, shuffle-footed, stayed put near the front door.

  After a lengthy, painful pause, I managed to say quietly, “We were a good couple.”

  “Yes, we were. Almost.”

  “I wanted it to work as much you did, Russ. And maybe it still can. We can get together again in another three or four months. Like you said before, we’re worth another shot.”