My Life as an Album (Books 1-4): A small town, southern fiction series

by LJ Evans

  Mama looked away and tried not to cry, and I immediately wanted to strangle the guy’s throat. It wasn’t his fault though. Who would know that, four years in, the loss of Jake was still a burning volcano in all our lives?

  “You're welcome. We wanted to do this. Cam wanted to do this. If it helps anyone else…” Daddy choked up and then got hold of himself. “If it helps even one person, it’s worth it.”

  Thank God that Cam and Blake came in then and saved us all from breaking into an embarrassing round of tears and if only's. Saved me from blurting out just how sorry I was that I couldn’t have been enough to save him. It allowed me to readjust my shield so that it would stay in place.

  Blake had Cam’s arm through his, and she was glowing in the way that only Cam could ever glow. Like all the flames from the candles on the tables were magically being drawn to her. That glow made it nearly impossible to look anywhere else. Blake certainly couldn’t. Course, it probably helped that the baby kicking inside her was his.

  Her purple chiffon accentuated her tall, slender frame that, even with the baby bump, was still so athletic she probably could have beat Jake in a race at the lake. Her wavy chestnut locks were drawn up in a half-do that her best friend, Wynn, had taught her and I how to do when we were nothing more than tweens trying to be cool. Wynn herself would probably be wearing it when she showed up later.

  Tonight, I hadn’t worn our traditional half-do. I’d still been as hot as a used tea bag when I’d gotten out of the shower, and I’d known our Tennessee summer would continue to blast its heat and humidity at us, so I’d opted for a French twist that was already trying to escape. But it would keep my hair off my neck and out of my face for the majority of the night. The huge disadvantage was that I now had nothing to hide behind. I’d have to be really good at the mask that I wore.

  I did pretty good holding it together. Even after dinner and the speeches that Cam led, I kept myself poised, ready to catch Mama or Cam if they faltered. Cam surprised me by being able to speak about Jake in a way that she never had been able to at his funeral. One look at Blake, smiling encouragingly at her, told me all I needed to know. That was the one thing that was different and better about Cam now. She was so much calmer with Blake than she had ever been with Jake.

  I think, with Jake, she’d always been on high alert. He’d had so many people pulling at him that she’d always felt the need to draw him back to her. To keep him focused on the two halves that they were together. With Blake, she seemed content. Like she was still going the speed-of-light pace she always had, but now she had Blake moving equally fast alongside her.

  Sure, Blake had his own little group of people pulling at him, but he wasn’t the star. Instead, he signed the stars to contracts, which brought me back to Blake’s protégé: the one onstage.

  It was clear Derek shined in a way that wasn’t far off from the way Cam and Jake had. There’s always this aura that bubbles around dynamic people that invisibles like me don’t ever quite get, but can see and stare at in awe anyway. Derek was like that, especially onstage. Moving as if the stage was somehow part of his being. Guitar and microphone and him blending into something that was almost magical.

  I was surprised by his band. I guess I’d expected some wannabe pop band, but instead it was rich with blues and grit. It made me think of the old-time jazz and blues singers that my best friend, Harry Winston, and I used to listen to on vinyl records at his grandma’s house.

  Derek sang one song in particular that hit my heart like a hammer to brick. It was full of deeply felt words about humanity being a collage of mistakes made beautiful. I was a book girl, and words were like a drug to me. They could bring me under with a well-positioned adjective. His song was like that, drawing me under.

  I didn’t even realize how focused on Derek I had become until Cam sank down next to me and said, “He definitely didn’t get hit with the ugly stick.”

  “Hmm?” I drew my eyes from the band and Derek to Cam to see she was quite enjoying my momentary lapse. I tried to throw her off the scent with a guffaw, but, like any sister, she knew me too well.

  Instead of teasing me like I expected, she took a direction I didn’t quite follow. "You remember Seth?"

  Who wouldn’t remember the blue-eyed, Cuban hottie? He’d taken up kingship in our high school my freshman year and trailed Cam like she was the only thing holding him above water.

  “You remember the line of women he left behind?” I got it then. She was warning me off Derek, like Cam had always warned me off boys that she didn’t think were good enough for me.

  “Do I have stupid written on my face?” I asked.

  “Well…”

  I punched her in the shoulder gently, and she punched me back. It hurt, but I knew better than to hit Cam and not expect return fire.

  “If you weren’t pregnant, I’d kick you,” I told her.

  She just chuckled, and we turned back to the stage to where Derek was crooning. His gritty voice wafted over me like the scent of warm bread, sending chills down my spine.

  Unfortunately, he caught me looking at him, and that sexy smile came over his face, stretching his cleft and making me feel like I was flipping over those darn monkey bars all over again. I should have been kicking myself instead of trying to kick Cam. Because nothing good could come from a girl like me thinking a book boyfriend like him was stunning. Hadn’t I already learned that painful lesson?

  “Did I tell you I saw him?” Cam asked, and I’d been so entranced in Derek’s beauty and my own brooding that it took me a moment to realize that she was referring, once again, to Seth Carmen who’d hit her at her junior prom and gone scurrying back to New York when Jake had punched him back.

  “You did?”

  She nodded. “Blake and I were in L.A. for Derek's contract signing last month, and we got invited to this huge shindig at his brother’s house. His brother’s some bigwig director. Anywho, when I walked in, there was Seth’s waterfall.”

  “The one he made at his grandparents’ house?”

  “Yep, and then there he was too. It was kind of surreal.”

  “How was he?”

  “Sober, calm. He seemed grown-up. He had a girl with him that appeared to be keeping him on his toes, and all I can say is, good for her.”

  “So, Derek's brother bought the waterfall?” I was trying to put the puzzle pieces of Derek together. He’d told me just how famous his brother was, but I hadn’t equated it to the kind of famous that puts showy art in their houses. Derek didn’t come off as anything more than a struggling musician.

  “He bought it for a million and a half dollars,” Cam said with an awe that rarely comes from Cam.

  “Get out of town? Really?”

  “Yep. That’s according to Keith, who works for Derek’s brother now and was there with some stunning man on his arm.”

  “No way!” I breathed out.

  “Yep.”

  “Well, good for Keith.”

  While I had to admit that it seemed strange to think of Seth, the moody bad boy we’d known, as a famous, calm grown-up, it didn’t seem as strange to think of Keith with a boyfriend.

  And holy banana slugs, thinking of sexy men made my eyes flirt back to the sensual crooner onstage before I could help it. Derek reminded me a lot more of my brother Jake’s charisma than Seth’s prowling panther. Derek seemed more… eagle than cat.

  That man’s eyes drifted continually to our table, and every time they did, I felt like my whole world stopped. Cam insinuated that he was a player from a family of money, and he’d seemed smooth and confident earlier, but here he was making me feel like I was the center of his focus. Of course, that was probably just my imagination. Hayden had said I was good at imagining things that weren’t there.

  Maybe all the women in the audience felt that Derek was focused on them. Maybe that was his charm. Maybe he was a magical boy-nymph, drawing women with his songs like sea nymphs drew sailors.
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br />   “Jake would’ve beat the crap out of him just for looking at you,” Cam said wistfully. She’d done really well all night, but now I caught a glimpse of the hole Jake had left in her heart that would never fully disappear.

  “Nah, he would have let you do that for him.”

  Across the dance floor, I saw Blake find Cam with his eyes. He lit up like a truck at the lake at midnight when he saw her, and she responded with a smile that was full wattage Cam that no one could resist. I felt happy for her, which made me all teary again. God. It would be good to have this blasphemous night behind us.

  Blake waved her over.

  She sighed. “I guess it’s time to announce the winners of the silent auctions. I’m kind of dreading it.”

  I knew what she meant.

  I squeezed her hand as she darted from the chair and flew toward Blake on feet that would never stop.

  Derek’s song ended, and he announced that he was turning the mic over to Cam. After the auction, another band that Blake had ties to was taking over. Something with more country twang than Derek’s group. Something that fit into the Tennessee lifestyle just a hair better.

  Derek and his band still got a hearty round of applause as they left the stage. I couldn’t help my eyes as they followed him into the crowd, with my heart pounding like that kitten chasing the bug again and my brain yelling at me to cease and desist.

  The Dance

  TENEREFE SEA

  “You got the kind of look in your eyes,

  As if no one knows anything but us.

  And all of the voices surrounding us here,

  Just fade out when you take a breath.”

  -Ed Sheeran

  I found my way to the drink table, and for the first time since college, I was thirsty for something stronger than water. There was no way that I was letting myself put anything with alcohol near my face, though. Not when I was barely holding my front in place like a placard advertiser. It was bad enough that I was an emotional drunk on a good day. No, there would be no drinks for me tonight.

  Like some echolocation device set to a Derek setting, I felt him before I heard him. I seemed to ping like crazy whenever he was nearby. Was that a good thing? Absolutely not. I might as well just rebreak my own heart before he had the chance.

  I turned toward him anyway because I couldn’t seem to stop myself. He was sweaty from the heat, and the lights and his effort. He’d been all in, going at it like there might not be a chance to play again, and I liked that. I liked that he’d lost himself in it like I could lose myself in a good book.

  “You look beautiful.” He said it with a hint of something in his eyes that made me realize that I was the mouse and he was the bat in our echolocation scenario, and not the other way around. Did eagles use echolocation? Because Derek was definitely more eagle than bat.

  I handed him a water, and he took it with thanks. I watched as he uncapped it and downed the whole thing in one big swallow, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in a neck that looked like it would be perfect to first kiss and then snuggle into.

  Get a grip, I scolded myself and purposely turned away from this sensual man so that I could watch Cam announce the winners of the auction items.

  “Your band is good,” I told him without looking at him. He was watching me, though. I could feel his gaze taking in every inch of me. I shifted uncomfortably, my heels sinking in the grass, and as I swayed, he caught my elbow to steady me.

  That smooth-as-honey connection slid back between us at his touch. I swallowed hard and mumbled something that might have been thanks but sounded like the frogs at the lake. I drew my arm away once I’d regained my balance.

  “You sound surprised,” he said with a hint of that laughter that had been in his tone all afternoon.

  I shrugged. “I guess I didn’t know what to expect.”

  “Come on, tell me the truth. You thought I was gonna go all boy band up there, didn’t you?” He was laughing at me, and himself, and I couldn’t help but turn and smile back at him.

  When I did, his gray eyes were flashing thunderclouds at me. Not storms of anger, but storms of a different kind. Storms I knew I couldn’t even come halfway close to matching. I’d be a disappointment in that area.

  Derek sighed a self-deprecating sigh. “It’s okay. Everyone thinks the same thing. They see my pretty boy image and just assume I’m part of some boy band. Not that there’s anything wrong with boy bands. They have their place and their fans. I’m just saying, I’m not really that kind of musician.”

  “Then why don’t you change your image?” I asked him without looking at him.

  “So tell me, how would you make me over?” And I didn’t have a choice but to take him in because he was daring me to do it. I flushed a thousand shades of red while I glanced at his chiseled muscles and suggestive smile.

  He saw my flush and winked. I wanted to say something mocking, but, as always, I wasn’t good when put on the spot like that. “I wouldn’t know where to begin,” was all I could come up with.

  “I could think of a few places…” He started to step closer but was interrupted in his path to me by his name being called, leaving me feeling equal parts relieved and regretful.

  He jerked out of his slow seduction mode and looked up with a confident grin that I hadn’t seen on anyone since Jake used to wear it.

  “What did you win?” I asked, because I clearly hadn’t been paying attention to anything that Cam was saying.

  “I only bid on the Camaro,” he replied.

  “Wh-what?” My breath caught in my throat.

  “I couldn’t let something with so much love and emotion behind it go to just anyone, could I?” Then he left my side to go and collect his prize.

  Onstage, Cam hugged Derek and handed him a set of keys as my brain tried to catch up. Derek had bought Jake’s Camaro. It was no longer Jake’s. It was now Derek’s. And somehow, instead of being sad or upset, as I might have been, I was suddenly glad. Because if Jake had sold it to anyone, he would have wanted some confident, godlike creature just like him to own it. And didn’t that just fit?

  There was a round of applause, and Cam was done with the mic. The new band came on, so I made my way deeper into the tent to mingle with Wynn and her husband, and our neighbors and families. People who had lived the Jake drama with us. People who understood the true importance he’d had in all our lives.

  It wasn’t even fifteen minutes later that my echolocation senses went off again, and I turned from visiting with Blake’s grandparents to find Derek at my side once more. He’d taken a shower, who knew where, and changed from his sweaty band clothes into more tight jeans and a button down. His brown hair was wet and curling below his ears, and he smelled like soap and… something close to wood varnish with a hint of lemon and honey. It was a masculine and heady scent in the heat of the tent.

  “I was hoping you’d dance with me.” He gave me a hopeful smile that didn’t quite fit the image that I’d built up in my head of his sexy arrogance.

  There was a slow song playing. I wasn’t sure that I could handle being touched by him. Just his hand on my arm twice had almost been enough to make my knees give out. What would it be like to have my whole body pressed up against his? My soft curves to his hard muscle. It made me shiver internally.

  “Sure,” I heard myself say, but I swear that was the exact opposite of what my brain was screaming. Good Girl Mia wanted me to run far, far away. He reached out a hand. I looked down at it hesitantly before I put my own inside it and melted all over again.

  He drew me with him until we’d just barely reached the dance floor before turning and pulling me up against him. He still had my hand entwined in his own, but it was now pulled up tight against his chest. His other hand made its way to my waist and gently pulled me closer than I’d originally placed us.

  He sighed. “I almost thought you’d tell me no.”

  He smiled down at me impishly, but his ey
es weren’t dancing with the same humor as before. Instead, they had that stormy look that made me imagine how deep a color they would be when he was in the middle of a passionate… I shook myself out of that thought before I could let it go nowhere good.

  I tore my eyes from his to look around his shoulder, because even in my heels, there was no way I was tall enough to see over his shoulder. My parents were talking to the Swaynes at a table near the back. They were smiling and laughing, and I loved seeing them that way. It’d been a long four years for them. Parents should never have to bury a child. Guilt tore through me. It was good at hitting me when I least expected. Tonight, remembering Jake, it wasn’t so unexpected.

  I switched my attention back to Derek rather than the guilt.

  “Why wouldn’t I dance with you?” I asked.

  “Let’s just say I get the feeling that you don’t approve of me.” He was still smiling. Did he ever stop? He was more like Blake than my brother in that way. I could hear the smile in his voice even if I wouldn’t look up at those really sexy lips and the chin that called to me to run my fingertip over it.

  “I don’t disapprove of you.” Cam may not lie, but I was good at it. I had learned to do it to protect those I loved from myself.

  He didn’t respond but twirled me out and around, and then back, this time even closer to his body than before. Through my thin green dress, I could feel every inch of him. I tried to put a little space between us, but his hand at my waist didn’t loosen. Instead, it tightened.

  I wasn’t used to being treated like this. As if he truly wanted my body tucked up against his. I mean, don’t get me wrong, as I said, my PlayBabe channel curves had guys ogling me, but the response was usually something crass about me, my boobs, and their penises. With Derek, it felt like he wanted to absorb me. All of me.

  Then again, maybe not. Hayden’s words made me doubt myself. I’d imagined a lot of things before and been wrong.

  The song ended, and Derek didn’t let go. I finally looked up into his eyes, and they were dark with desire that I knew I wasn’t just imagining, because his look was followed by words that matched. “I really like your hair that way. But all I can think of is how it would look if I pulled it down.”