Cleaning It Up
Building a wall and completely withdrawing from the world around us is not the answer to ending psychic sex. The goal is to refine our sensing and our acts of creation to the point where we can work on the level of sexual energy with consciousness and purpose.
When someone offers to exchange sexual substances with us, and we do not wish to exchange sexual substances with them, it can become the same as someone offering us a cigarette when we do not smoke. We do not have to energetically “kill” them for making us the offer. Neither do we have to become dead ourselves. What we can do is work to refine our sensitivity to the speed and delicacy with which psychic sexual exchanges take place. Through acknowledging the reality of psychic sex and expanding our awareness on the same subtle levels, what is occurring or about to occur starts becoming obvious and making sense. When we are aware of what we are creating and what is happening, then at that point we have choice. Psychic sex can be avoided by glancing away in one-quarter of a second, before there is time for contact to complete itself and for sexual energy to exchange. Psychic-sexual-substance-exchange can be blocked by pressing the tip of your tongue behind your top front teeth. Try this method yourself to check its effectiveness. It’s like this: If you continue making efforts to learn what a street is, then at some point you can cross it without getting run over.
Do you remember when you first began to think about cleaning up your life? Did you ever try to imagine whether or not a person could actually live on a vegetarian diet? Perhaps you were quite accustomed to using drugs and alcohol, eating red meats and dairy products, drinking coffee, tea and sodas, having desserts with every meal, watching television, reading the daily paper, and listening to the local radio station. For most of us, at one time or another, these things were quite normal ways to spend our time and our energy. If some of these activities have gradually fallen away, it does not mean that you have excluded yourself from life or humanity. Neither does it necessarily make you strange. You have simply shifted your level of practice. The same applies to psychic sex.
Psychic Sex: One Man’s Experience
The following is a personal letter from a man who was experimenting, to shift his participation in psychic sex. Through his ruthlessly honest sharing, you can feel how deep the struggle is, and you can see how similar we all are.
Last summer I did an experiment of three months without sex. I immediately discovered that I was a total sex-junkie, and that sex was the oldest and hardest drug I ever had. Like every real addict I was capable of throwing away the rest of my dignity if there was any opportunity to favor to my addiction. Just as a real smoker would hike in the middle of the night through a rainstorm to the next village to get a cigarette (which I have done too), I would do almost anything for some quickie sex. I think that there is no drug in the world where the abuse of it creates more terrible results in human dignity than the case of sex.
How often did I act without any dignity? How often did I take sex into an abusive form and enter woman’s spaces with my neediness, supposedly to not be alone, but getting my instant-ecstasy as quick as possible?
During these three months I observed much more closely where I placed my attention. In doing so I also noticed that there are sudden moments when certain women look into my eyes and grip me through my eyes directly to my balls. I have no chance to defend myself by closing the gate. For a millisecond she owns me totally – with skin and hair – and I do not know what to do. She knows that she owns me, and she knows that I know. I had hoped that by continuing my no sex practice that this would stop automatically, but it did not.
A part of me was really scared to be in contact with women because I knew that one or another woman could own me instantly “against my will.” But I did not have much clarity about this, only to see that my dignity was “for sale” so to speak, like a male prostitute.
Observing psychic sex has not been easy because it is very hard to handle the amount of energy that suddenly arises, all these emotional gas-bubbles that climb out of the inner swamps, and all the fights I start having with my big monkey.
But stopping psychic sex is much harder still. The exercises you gave me change my daily interaction with woman completely. It is very hard for me not to look straight in a woman’s eyes while I am talking to her, especially with friends. It is also very hard not taking women in my arms while saying hello or goodbye. When I stopped extended eye contact and hugging women with whom I thought I did not have anything going on, suddenly arises a big fear in me. When I am out in the streets or together with people, I fear to be in “enemy country”! I now sometimes feel in the presence of women that they are the enemy. And if I am together with a man he automatically becomes my friend even if he is the worst asshole. It is strange.
I do not practice as strictly as possible. I am still looking for compromises. For example, “Oh yes, I can still look in my therapist’s eyes, or take her in my arms …”
I get this fear that a woman with whom I do not look straight in her eyes during a conversation might think that I am not present or interested in her, or that I am sick or insecure. That is terrible. And that you suggested I cancel my Tango dancing lessons was the worst thing. It was less my suffering a lack of sexual energy flowing around me while dancing with other women than it was my fear of going to the class with my own woman where it should be my job to guide her, and to be straight and clear in what I am doing, and not hopping like a beginner in the scene. Shit! In a way I am lost!
In conclusion, we may be surprised by how much is going on in our lives and in our relationships that at first glance appears to be invisible. Entering the domains of radiant joy and brilliant Love involves many levels all at the same time. We discover relationship as a sophisticated new art form. Just as with any creative format, becoming a relationship artist requires courage and dedication. Once competence in the basic procedures is attained, a whole new world of expression opens up to explore.
CHAPTER 18
What About the Kids?
Considering how to have and raise children in the context of radiant joy and brilliant Love would fill another entire volume. Nonetheless, I can recommend several excellent childraising books (see Further Reading), and offer a few ideas and secrets here regarding relationship, family and children.
When a couple becomes a family – through pregnancy and birth, through adoption, or through marrying a partner who already has children – the relationship energetics completely change. For many people the addition of children is gradual and tends to be, at first, unnoticed; but then the new formation stays. With others, the family group experiences sudden and drastic change. The steady rise in divorces means that the children are shuttled back and forth between ex-partners. With the increase of single parents, the arrival and departure of potential partners is often abrupt and unpredictable. The social and energetic stresses from these changes must be dealt with using delicacy and forthrightness or the stresses will tear the family apart.
In my first marriage I thought that I was done with childraising after homebirthing and homeschooling two daughters through to college age. Then, I got divorced and started a new relationship with a woman who already had three boys under the age of ten. After being around girl-children, I thought I knew about children. Encountering these boys, I could not imagine what was wrong. “What are these things?” I would wonder privately and out loud in amazement at the kicking and fighting, shouting, throwing and breaking things, non-communication, power conflicts and lack of relationship. The answer was, of course, “These are boys.”
My three new sons spend part of each month with their father at his house and part of the month at our house. Transitioning back and forth from being a couple to being a family has been like sunning ourselves on a tropical beach and then suddenly being inundated by a tidal wave.
Nothing avoids the engulfing chaos of having children in the house. Try to remember this. If the children are born to you, or if you live with them full
time, it is easy to forget that what is happening, right now, in relationship with your beloved partner, man or woman, may only be the result of the massive impact of children. To manage or counterbalance the effects of children, so the couple can continue experimenting in the domains of radiant joy and brilliant Love, there are definitely some important issues to consider and some experiments worth trying that seem to make a difference.
SECTION 18-A
The Phoenix Effect
First and foremost – remember that having children around completely changes the energetic dynamics in a relationship. Maintaining extraordinary human or Archetypal Relationship in the company of children requires a much higher level of commitment and precision than negotiating relationship as a mere couple. Simplicity vanishes in the kid-storm. Some parents would even claim that sustaining extraordinary human relationship with children around is impossible. But it is not impossible. It is just rare, because we are not trained in how to do it.
If you start (each day) by already knowing and consciously remembering that attempting to hold the space for radiant joy and brilliant Love is almost never accomplished, that it is a difficult challenge even privately as a couple and often frustrating or painful, then this puts your efforts and your experience into proper perspective. Knowing the magnitude of what you are up against at the outset gives you a proper perspective for proceeding. Having frequent honest conversations with your partner about the heartbreaking thrashings that go on in your spaces of sanctuary on a regular basis can allow what is called the “Phoenix Effect” to do its work with you.
• The Phoenix Effect recognizes that relationship is made out of substances that are eternal – such as clarity, Archetypal Love, and possibility.
• The Phoenix Effect assumes that your relationship space is filled with ordinary human relationship, extraordinary human relationship, or Archetypal Relationship, depending on where you navigate the space.
• The Phoenix Effect means that out of the cold dark ashes of a burned down relationship a new relationship is born.
The Phoenix Effect goes like this: When children or problems crash into the relationship and cause conflict or breakdown, it feels like the whole relationship house starts on fire. The hint is this: let the house burn, and, remember the Phoenix Effect. “Do-overs” are allowed because Archetypal Love never goes away. Only you go away. You can come back.
Stand together with your partner and warm your hands over the fire enjoying each other’s company during the chaos, knowing all the while that what the relationship is actually made of cannot burn. What burns is dross, riff raff, illusionary Box projections or expectations from the past or the future. What feels like disappointment or betrayal comes from false assumptions that have grown on the relationship like vines up the side of a building. Let the fire inform you about what worked and what did not work, so that your next experiments stand on new wisdom. As the blaze slowly burns down and the words and emotions subside, take a deep breath, let a few moments of nothingness go by, and gently start over again from the cleansed emptiness and a completely new perspective. This three-step cycle of the Phoenix Effect produces rapid relationship evolution and a more and more solid preparation for the next burn.
MAP OF THE PHOENIX EFFECT
1) Try something new.
2) Go until you crash and burn.
3) Let it burn. Learn from the fire about what worked and what did not work. When there is nothing but ashes, go back to step 1).
SECTION 18-B
Archetypal Relationships with Children
A parent’s relationship with his or her child naturally includes Archetypal dimensions. For example, in the same way that men and women need to be bonded to and nurtured, coached and held accountable by Archetypal Men’s and Women’s cultures, children also need bonding into Archetypal Children’s culture. Our schooling system of dividing children into grades terribly shatters the bonding among children of different ages. Young children learn most surely by imitating their older role models. Older children best solidify their learning through teaching what they already know to their younger associates. When older children gain experience through caring for younger children as part of their upbringing, they already know something about how to be good parents when they have their own children. The shocking fact that adults, such as myself, need to take birthing and childraising classes before we have our own kids, because we lacked natural contact with children, indicates a horrifying gap in the sanity of our present culture.
Our whole present schooling system is based on the simple misconception that teachers actually teach their students. But they do not. You cannot teach a child anything – but a child can learn whatever they want. Think back on your own childhood. Did anybody teach you? Or did you decide to learn?
The Archetypal Parent’s job is to create ongoing environments in which children can develop their muscles for taking responsibility. In such environments, the parent-child relationship stands on a set of rules and boundaries that are clear and dignified. The boundaries serve as the bars of a jungle gym on which the child develops responsibility muscles. Of course the child will test those boundaries. Muscles are developed through persistent exercise. The child repeatedly testing a boundary even to the point of tantrum does not make the boundary wrong. Repeatedly testing boundaries is a sign of developing strength. If the parent does not provide solid bars, for example, if the boundaries are not held with easeful consistent precision, the child’s world collapses into formlessness. The child is forced to take responsibility for their immediate survival at a level for which they are not designed to take responsibility. Parents sometimes imagine that they are being “nice” to their children if they bend the rules or let the children lead and make decisions. But parental leniency literally drives children crazy. Archetypally it is the parents’ job to hold the world solid for their children, until the children are old enough and mature enough to take responsibility for generating the rules themselves. Mature responsibility does not begin before fifteen years of age.
Children Become Who You Are
Your efforts to create and sustain extraordinary human and Archetypal Relationship go directly into the being of your children. You may have noticed already that children do not do what you do, they become who you are. The spaces of extraordinary human and Archetypal Relationship radiate high quality energetic food that nurtures the souls of your children. On the surface, when you and your partner enter a few moments of Countenance, or when you “touch through” each other, or when you move together at the speed of Love, or when you create intellectual intimacy, or when you listen “as a space,” or when you are being-with each other, or when you appreciate the other, all of this goes into the hearts of your children and opens them to what is possible in relationship. Your extraordinary human and Archetypal moments form reference points for the rest of their lives. They have a thought-map and they know where they can go. You might not see them go there for years, but they can go there and will be able to go there because you have shown them the way. Know that your efforts to avoid being sucked into the Box’s webwork of ordinary human relationship establishes a beachhead into new territory for anyone else who observes what you are doing.
Hold Space for the Center of Being of Your Family
It is possible (even ordinary!) to hold space for an extraordinary daily family experience. The way to hold space for extraordinary daily family experience starts with you (in particular the man) keeping the center of your family.
Each family has a center of being, just like each person has a center of being. Keeping the center of the family is Archetypally the man’s job, but actually the woman and man work together keeping the family center. Keeping the center of your family is similar to keeping your own personal center, and involves three components:
Keeping the Center of Your Family
1. Put your attention on the center of your family.
2. Find where the center of your family is right now. In many mod
ern families the center of being of a family is the television, the Internet or computer games. The center of your family could also be with the children’s schooling, with in-laws, job problems, the bank account, an alcoholic father, a secretly raging mother, etc.
3. Bring the center of your family in and place the center of your family on the purpose of your family.
To keep the center of your family, you must know the purpose of your family. What is the purpose of your family? Is the purpose of your family ordinary human relationship, extraordinary human relationship, or Archetypal Relationship? It is not a common practice to consciously remember and live into the purpose of your family.
A breakthrough in family satisfaction can occur through realizing that the purpose of your family may differ from the purpose of other families. There is no “normal” family. It is not required that your family’s style of being together imitates any previously known or recognizable family pattern. Bringing this idea to a few family discussions can suddenly free both children and adults to unleash creativity for discovering what your family could be for you. In a short while, you could find yourselves thriving, in a dynamic, harmonious mini-society, experimenting to express individual desires and personalities.
Radiant Joy Brilliant Love Page 72