Radiant Joy Brilliant Love

by Clinton Callahan

  An honest story of relationship is far more intricate and interesting than the fairy tale “Harry and Betty got married, had kids, and lived happily ever after” that we have been told all of our lives. The question of whether or not our relationships will succeed depends on our answer to the question: Who is running our relationships anyway?

  Who Runs Your Relationship?

  If we start a relationship it may not be wonderful, and if we end a relationship it may not be a disaster. Whether we start or end a relationship may not even be in our domain of responsibility. It might instead just be our fate (see Section 12-K).

  Think of how your relationship began in the first place. Did you get to choose with whom, when and where your relationship started? Not a chance. Not in the big picture. You see someone and you think, “Wow, now there’s someone I could really be friends with.” Does it work out that you get to be friends with that person? Almost never. Even if you make efforts and try to set things up to be friends, “accidental” incidents and unseen factors arise to prevent your plans from shaping reality. (If you want to make God laugh, tell her your plans.)

  Now think of how you met and got closer to the people with whom you are friends now. Did you plan it out? Or did coming together seem to happen by “accident,” by unexpected coincidence, or by serendipity? For most people most of the time, relationship experiments begin without preplanning. Relationships start by chance, by luck, and even by “miracle.”

  If relationships start by “miracle,” then it would make sense that they would continue by “miracle,” and naturally come to an end by “miracle.” Some “Coincidence Control Center” (a term borrowed from John C. Lilly and Antonietta Lilly in their book The Dyadic Cyclone) exerts its influence according to the needs of a plan that is bigger than ours.

  So, the question remains, do we align with the obvious and let Earth Coincidence Control Center have its way with our lives? Or do we let our Box fight it? This becomes more of a lifestyle decision. To make the decision we might ask, what is the purpose and design behind a mythical Coincidence Control Center? There is a subtle fear involved in asking that question. What if the Coincidence Control Center has a different purpose from our social custom of lifelong monogamous relationship, staying together no matter what? What if the force of evolution would rather have us continue in a relationship only as long as we are evolving?

  To Evolve or Not To Evolve?

  The universe seems to be interested in more than mere survival. The universe created our three-pound brain as an ideal laboratory for evolution, but our Box stands in the way. If we let the Box keep defending us from evolution, the universe tends to make stronger and stronger invitations to evolve. Finally, the universe brings in heavy artillery like accidents, diseases, conflicts, breakdowns – anything to put a crack in the Box’s defenses and gain access to that in us which is capable of evolving.

  How does this relate to relationships? Exactly. An organization can be defined as two or more people with a common purpose. Using this definition then, a relationship is an organization. To design our organizations we naturally copy the structure we are most familiar with – our Box. We end up with un-spoken agreements that force our relationships to be rigid, hierarchical and defensive. We assume that our relationship will continue in this traditional form. Our planned trajectory is straight. Evolution slowly chips away at the solid ground beneath our foundation. It may take us awhile to recognize what is happening. By the time we notice the pattern it may be too late for our Box to do anything more to defend itself.

  Take the traditions of marriage and the nuclear family as examples. As contrary to common understanding as this may seem, the startling rise in divorces may not be an indication of cultural failure, but instead an indication of cultural evolution. If a marriage functions as an organization defended against evolution, evolution may intercede. Evolution may be needing people to evolve faster than the present institution of marriage and family allows.

  By way of an analogy, think of the present shift in audio and video technologies from tape to disc. Is the fact that it is more and more difficult to buy VHS films and audiotape cassettes a breakdown in the film and music industry? Not at all. On the contrary, the film and music industry is booming. Video and music have never before been more effectively transported to the viewing and listening public than through DVD and CD formats. The demise of VHS and audiocassettes is simply an unavoidable byproduct of the evolution of technology.

  The same may be true of ordinary human marriages and the nuclear family.

  As a culture we try not to see what is happening. That is because we still think in the old paradigm: lifelong marriage, 2.4 children, and a house on the edge of town. If viewed from the traditional paradigm, the nuclear family is the good and right way. Anything else is bad or wrong. We assume that living in a nuclear family is normal and we assume that it works. Both of these assumptions are questionable.

  Nuclear family has only been normal in highly Westernized cultures during the last one hundred years. More than two thirds of the world’s population lives in mixed multi-generational villages and tribes, and have been continuously doing so for the past 100,000 years. From this perspective, nuclear family is definitely not normal.

  Assuming that nuclear family works is like assuming that nuclear power works. Sure it works, from a certain shortsighted perspective. But consider the shadow side. How can two people think that alone they could fulfill the complex needs of a growing child? Especially with one or both of the parents working full-time jobs? Nuclear family deprives children of very fruitful daily contact with a variety of other children, other “grandparents,” and other adults. A nuclear family culture lacks designed-in support for the man from other men (men’s culture), or for the woman from other women (women’s culture). Without the support of men’s and women’s cultures, a relationship easily degrades into silent separation or psychological war, neither of which support children and family. The nuclear family does not work. The nuclear family has never actually worked. It just took us a hundred years to start realizing it.

  Church and state are the forces that have historically disapproved of unmarried sex and also made it uncomfortable for couples to separate. The influences of church and state in modern times are weakening. Church has a tough time competing with TV talk shows, catalog shopping, and cosmetic surgery. In terms of the state, the lawmakers themselves want divorces, so the legal procedure has become easy, quick, and nearly painless. What is the result? More and more divorces. The breakdown of the nuclear family may be the beginning of a cultural shift that brings single moms into living together in inner-city tribes and villages, and regenerates a strong men’s culture and women’s culture.

  It is easy to see why an industrial state would promote the nuclear family. Production and sales are maximized when the buying unit is minimized. With technologies and manufacturing processes created during World War II, the mass production of inexpensive, highly-automated household appliances proliferated. If one car suffices to serve ten people, far fewer cars are sold than if one family needs two cars! A refrigerator in every house! A clothes washing machine in every pantry! A dishwasher and food processor in every kitchen! A kitchen for every four people! Think how much profit is to be made!

  Should We Keep Trying?

  Your relationship may align to the purpose of the universe and be evolving. Even if your relationship is intense and rocky, if evolution is happening then all is possible. You should keep trying. If evolution is not happening, if you are not communicating and you or your partner have hardened into patterns that halt the flow of evolution, then precious time is going past that neither of you will have again.

  A struggle then arises between the purpose of the universe and the purpose of the Box of your relationship. The universe intends for your relationship to be a hotbed of evolution. The Box of your relationship intends each day to repeat yesterday’s Box-controlled interactions. If the universe has its way, then it
will crack the shell of your relationship wide open so you are kicked out and again exposed to evolutionary forces in your next relationship. If the Box has its way, you will be dead and buried before anything changes.

  There is a third alternative. If the two of you come to the end of fruitful experimenting given your character structure and the level of intimacy you are able to engage, then from the evolutionary viewpoint of the universe the experimental chamber of your relationship has completed its task. It is time for the next experiment. The opportunities that were possible have all been used. The relationship served as a vehicle through which partners could evolve from Box A to Box D. If both partners recognized that they have gone as far as they can go together, then they can say thank you and goodbye, and continue on into the next phase of their lives with dignity and respect. What if, at that point, you called all your friends and family and had a victory party?

  Engaging relationship from the point of view of evolution, rather than the point of view of legal structures and churches, may prolong the whole human experiment. We may actually use relationship as a rapid learning environment to prevent us from blowing ourselves up. Continuously developing extraordinary human relationship soft-skills in communication, listening, understanding, accepting and respecting makes very good sense from the point of view of evolution.

  On the other hand, this idea of treating the end of a relationship with an attitude of success immediately brings up further considerations. It may be too easy and obvious a solution to simply kick out the old guy and bring in the new guy. But what is really going on? Is it that the Gremlin is in charge? After all, Gremlin has many devious ways. Perhaps our conviction that further evolution is impossible in our relationship is Gremlin’s concoction. Perhaps by limply acquiescing to Gremlin’s whiny complaints something irreplaceably precious may too quickly be discarded. Or, perhaps our Gremlin has concocted an altruistic scenario: Our community of friends is looking up to us as a role model for a successful relationship. Somebody has to make the sacrifice, don’t they? Perhaps the whole community will go into shock and pain if we break up. Perhaps we will never come together again for these great skiing vacations. Perhaps the two of us staying together, in secret Gremlin-feeding agony for a few more years and continuing the show, will cause less pain and overall suffering than making a break, destroying the fantasy, and forcing everyone in the community to look unproductively in horror at their own underworlds. If you choose that story then Gremlin’s food supply is protected for a few more years.

  Or, perhaps your discomfort is the way it feels just before an evolutionary breakthrough of untold proportions, and the proper approach would be to tolerate the ongoing intensity in your relationship and keep working through it. Perhaps the gates of heaven are just about to open. If that were the case, the hardearned opportunity of a lifetime would be wasted because Gremlin had us give up a little too soon. Perhaps the years of loving patience and kindness have sprouted a seed that is almost breaking the crusty earth’s surface and is soon to bloom gloriously. How can we know?

  We are still left with the question, “Do I stay or do I go?”

  Here are four points to keep in mind as you work with this question:

  1. Suspect Your Box and Your Gremlin

  What if, in spite of all your efforts, your partner will not take responsibility for stabilizing themselves in the Adult ego state? What if he does not want to become Man? What if he does not want to learn to place the quality of attention on you that awakens and invigorates the Goddess? What if he is just not interested? After all, the negative unconscious manifestation of the masculine is blind aggressive stupidity. What if he just won’t budge? What then?

  Or what if, after all these years, deep down inside she is unwilling to trust you? What if she is filled with unconscious resentment and simply unwilling to risk being hurt again even though you think that you have changed or that you aren’t like the other guy who hurt her? What if she just won’t grow up and leave her childhood fears behind to risk it with you?

  Remember, we are not assessing this situation according to goods and bads, rights and wrongs, shoulds and should nots. We are considering what is going on, and what you are going to do about it.

  The commitment in any relationship is a commitment to intimacy, a commitment to meeting the being of the other. The commitment is never fulfilled finally or perfectly. Never. Box never wants two people to get closer to each other than the level where Box meets Box face to face. If you get closer than that, then you realize that you are not Box. You look back over your shoulder at the inside of Box’s mask and say, “Hah! Look at that ridiculous delusional shell! Who needs that thing?” Right about then, Box shits in his or her pants and incites the Gremlin to go berserk in your psycho-emotional system.

  If intimacy is not engaged as well as you think it could be, start by being suspicious of your Box and your hungry unmanaged Gremlin. Make a boundary with your Gremlin. Teach it to sit, and feed it, on your schedule, the foods that you choose. Become more aware of the intricacies of Box mechanics. Learn why your Box does what it does and try something else. Try again. Try many times. Try until it is objectively clear that there is no more chance of evolution.

  2. Take It Slowly

  Do not make a decision to split up lightly. When your two beings have little common ground on which to meet, then the basis of the relationship itself becomes questionable. Without the common ground of intimacy, relationship evolution does not happen. Box’s Gremlin wants your conclusion to be that the lack of intimacy is your partner’s fault. It may be. It may not be. Box is sly. Hold the distinction between you and your Box. Your part is to remember that Box is devious, even deceptive. The Box attracts justifiable reasons like a dead dog attracts flies. Box’s motives are quite reliable: always self-centered, always comfort oriented, always looking for a payoff, always trying to be right, and always looking for an easy way out with a very good excuse. Box is very reliable – reliable at being Box. First be suspicious of your own Box.

  To decide whether you are sourcing the difficulties and it is time for you to grow up, or if it is your partner causing the difficulties and time for you to get out, will require ruthless self-observation and consistent feedback over a long period of time from reliable sources not controlled by your own Box. You know those people around you whose opinions are not controlled by your Box. So does your Box. In the time when you most need their counsel, your Box can arrange for you to see those sources of wisdom and intelligence as your enemies. Then your Box gets to do its usual thing, and will take irreversible actions, before your friends can hold you down and pound sense into your head.

  3. Get the Help You Need

  No matter what reasons or explanations you may tell people about your splitting up, they will make up their own judgments and share them with everybody they know. “He’s running away from the real world. He is escaping. He is taking the easy way out. It is just a mid-life crisis. The asshole. He is throwing away years of marriage. He wasn’t strong enough. The younger woman hooked him. He is a cock, chasing after a sex fantasy. He is too weak to keep his commitments. He is untrust-worthy. He is dangerous. He’s just a bastard like all men.” How do I know about these harsh judgments? I did them myself. In the spring of 2004, I heard that a colleague of mine had suddenly left his wife and nine-year-old son and had “run off” with a younger woman whom he had met through his profession. I was so angry at him that I could not talk to him for nine months. Every thought in my mind about this man was severely negative and derogatory. The most degrading insults poured out of my heart. I knew his wife. She was a fine woman – intelligent, responsible, dynamic, and loving. I knew his son – brilliant, communicative, creative, and strong. How could this man be susceptible to what was so clearly a major life blunder? How could he be so weak and irresponsible as to lose his family to the guiles of a younger woman? Where was his integrity? How could he be so stupid? By the spring of 2005, I myself was divorced.

&nbs
p; What is the lesson here? The lesson is to take care. It may not be true in every case, but if you find yourself in a blind rage about someone you know splitting up, if you feel unusually scared, grieved, or offended, your reaction may be a warning sign of conditions deep within you – conditions about which your Box has been keeping you unaware. You could be out of touch with what is really going on in your heart about your own relationship situation. Instead of being unified within yourself, instead of being where you are, you may be leading a double life: one life on the surface that you show to others, and one life deep inside that you do not even show to yourself. You could be living in false acceptance. You may be unconsciously repressing a volcano of resentments, hoping that the resentments will somehow go away all by themselves because you are putting on a good show. You may be hoping that you will manage to keep the lid on, for all the rest of your life, so that you do not have to go through what the truth would bring you to go through. You may be in denial.