by Nikki Ash
It’s hard enough seeing images from my own town. Entire forests wiped out. Whole landscapes marred for the foreseeable future. The world I grew up in has forever been changed. My daughter will never know the Florida I grew up in and there’s a bracing somberness to accepting that.
About two weeks after the storm, when I’m certain Walker has completely written me off, I wake up to the sound of a chainsaw close by. It’s not an uncommon occurrence at this point—the chorus of chainsaws is almost comforting now—but this one sounds like it’s right outside my door. It wakes the baby, too, so I nurse her back to a contented state and entertain her with a few toys clipped to a bouncer. She’s more awake these days, so I try to tire her out a bit before I put her back to sleep.
While she’s distracted, I take care of Grandma Rosie, getting her fed and making sure she takes all of her medication. Once that’s done, I can finally investigate the source of the sound, which has now moved to the backyard. Hesitantly, I open the door and find a shirtless, sweaty Walker cutting down the fallen trees crisscrossing the property.
Stunned, a little confused, and a whole lot turned on, all I can do is watch as he works. The strong patchwork of muscles covering his back flex and contract with every movement. The sheen of sweat emphasizes each curve and bulge. He pauses to drink from a water bottle and uses the remnants to spray over his body, making him look like a real-life Chippendale’s commercial. The sight of the water makes me realize my throat has gone dry and if it weren’t for that, I’d be drooling.
Turning, he spots me standing on the back porch ogling him. The chainsaw cuts off, leaving a deafening silence in its wake. I swallow back my apprehension and put a damper on the raging hormones that had roared to life the moment they saw him.
“What are you doing?” I ask in a neutral tone, my voice raised to cover the distance.
He lifts the chainsaw in a gesture toward the tree. “Cutting down this tree for you.”
I lift a brow. “I can see that. I guess the more appropriate question would be why are you cutting it down?”
“Because I had the time and the ability. Are you complaining about it?” There’s a hard twist to his mouth I haven’t seen before. So he hasn’t forgiven me yet, not that I thought he would. He has a right to be bitter, mad, disappointed or maybe all of the above.
“No, I’m just wondering why. You don’t have to do these things for us.”
“What things?”
I wave a hand to our surroundings. “You don’t have to get us a generator and gas or clear out my backyard. Those things aren’t your responsibility.”
“Like you didn’t think a baby was my responsibility.”
“That’s not fair.”
“I think in this circumstance, I’ll get to decide what’s fair.” He props the chainsaw on the tree stump and moves closer to me. “I’ve had a lot of time to think over the past few weeks and I think what pisses me off the most is that you made the decision for me about one of the most important things that can happen in a man’s life. That wasn’t fair. You don’t get to make that choice for someone else.”
I don’t know if it’s the hormones, the heat, or the sting of righteous condemnation in his eyes, but I find my own temper rising. “That’s what being a parent is all about. You think I didn’t agonize about not trying harder to find you and let you know? It’s all I thought about since I found out I was pregnant. But it wasn’t about me and it wasn’t about you. I had to do what I thought was best for my daughter. I’ve been through the loss of a parent. I didn’t want to do that to her.”
His eyes flash. “And what makes you think she’d have to lose me?”
“Look at your job! You jump into fires for a living, Walker. You’re gone most of the time and there could be a day when you don’t come back. What kind of life is that for a child? Would you want that for her?” When he doesn’t answer, I push on. “It was that indecision that kept me from trying harder. That and we didn’t know each other! We only spent one night together. How was I supposed to know the right thing to do? I made a mistake. I’m human. I promise I’m going to make more of them. Becoming a parent will surely teach you that.” Striving for calm, I continue, “But I want to make things right. I want you to meet her. To figure out what you want your place in her life to be. Whatever that is, we’ll deal with it and I promise as long as you’re in our lives, I won’t ever keep anything from you again.”
When he says, “Are you done?” I nearly impale him with the chainsaw.
Instead, I gesture for him to speak before I commit a felony.
“I don’t know where you and I go from here.” I can’t hide my wince at that, but it’s what I was expecting. “But I do know I want the chance to figure this out. I never planned on having a family, for the reasons you listed and more, but she’s here and she’s mine. I owe it to her and to me to see exactly what that means.”
I know if I don’t say the words then I never will, so I blurt, “And us?”
His gaze meets mine. The spark I felt when we first met blazes to life between us. Sensing it, he takes a step back and I can’t deny that hurts. “I don’t know about us. I think we should take this slow and focus on one thing at a time. The baby—what did you say her name was?”
“Rosalynn, for my grandma. Rosalynn Grace. I mostly call her Gracie, though.”
“Gracie,” he murmurs, his eyes a little misty. “Well, Gracie deserves our attention now.”
I know this is progress, I know I should be happy, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve lost something that could have been amazing.
Chapter Nine
Walker
“I’m not sure if I ever really thanked you for the generator. It was really a lifesaver. I think Grandma Rosie would have melted without it.” Her shy little smile throws me back to the night we met. How I thought I’d do anything just to see her aim that smile in my direction. “So thank you, really. I appreciate it more than you know.”
“You’re welcome, but I bet you’re happy to have electricity back on.” I pass Gracie from one arm to another. For a baby, she certainly has some chunk on her. She grins toothlessly at me and I find myself smiling back down at her. My family and I aren’t close anymore. I come back to Battleboro to check on them because I imagine it’s what my brother would want me to do so the feelings of love and connection I feel so quickly for this little girl simply astound me. “Aren’t you Gracie-girl?”
“More than you know. Do they have power restored where you’re at?” Avery asks.
“Last week. I have to tell you, it was nice taking a hot shower again.” I don’t say that I’m almost sad about it. Restoring utilities, getting most of the roads cleared for the most part, it means I won’t be as needed here. The fire department is already scaling back hours for the volunteers. I never thought I’d say it, but I almost like the small crew of down-to-earth guys there. A far cry from the egos I’m used to.
“Agreed. Cold ones are fun when it’s ninety degrees outside, but I missed bubble baths. Now if only we could get internet back up and running.”
I try not to think about Avery naked and covered in bubbles. I try and fail. “They still haven’t gotten yours fixed?”
Avery smiles sadly. “No, and they said it could be months, but I guess that’s to be expected. Data is working faster on our phones and tablets, but they throttle it in the evenings, so everything runs as slow as a turtle.”
“You know you can always come to my place. Mine is back up.” And maybe I like the thought of her, the baby and even Grandma Rosie with me doing things like the dishes and watching her grandma’s trash T.V.
At this, she pauses gathering the dishes from lunch. “Thank you. That’s nice of you to offer.”
“It’s no problem. I’m hardly ever there anyway.”
“Is the fire department still going door to door?”
That’s not the reason I’m never there. It’s because I can’t stand the quiet. It’s why I’m always here when I�
��m not working or training. “Not so much anymore.” Gracie coos and gnaws on a teether in my lap. Avery says I’m crazy, but I’m almost positive she’s going to be popping out some teeth soon. “We’re mostly working on a volunteer basis to get more roads cleared out. When do you go back to work?”
“Monday, unfortunately. I’ve been enjoying the time off to spend with Gracie and Grandma Rosie, but with the restaurant opening back up—finally—I can’t put it off anymore. They won’t hold off on demanding payment on bills forever. I just hate that I have to send Gracie girl back to daycare.”
Studying the baby in my arms, I find myself saying, “Why don’t you let me watch her?”
Avery pauses in drying a plate. “Really? You want to do that?”
“If you don’t mind. I think it’d probably be a good idea for us to spend some more time together. You work the evenings, right?” At her nod, I say, “That’s perfect. I can switch around for the day shift and watch Gracie at night when you work.”
At her look, I say, “What?”
“Are you sure? I can’t imagine you dealing with diapers and bottles all day.”
“And you know me so well,” I say and she pauses for a minute before realizing I’m teasing.
“Ha, ha, very funny,” she says and flings a handful of soap bubbles at me. “I mean you do know infant CPR, so that’s a plus.”
“Then what is it?” I ask.
“I guess I’m realizing that you were serious when you said you wanted to make this work. I figured you’d get bored after a while and need some action.” At my lifted brow, she says, “Not that kind of action. I mean like a burning building or a pileup or something.”
“You make me out to be more of a daredevil than I am.”
“Right so jumping out of planes isn’t because you like the adrenaline. Then why do you do it?”
I lift a shoulder. “Why do people do anything? I guess it started with a morbid fascination after my brother was killed in a fire and grew from there. Fighting fires is something I can control, believe it or not. It’s the rest of the world that goes a little mad sometimes.”
“You don’t miss it?”
“You mean to imply that a category five hurricane isn’t enough action for me?”
She leans against the counter, all hips and dark hair that tumbles down her shoulders. “Touché I guess. What time works for you?”
Babies aren’t as easy as they look. Sure, they sleep most of the time, but they spend a good portion of the rest of it crying. Give me a fire any day and I can take charge and get it put out, but a crying baby? May as well be the world’s most complicated Sudoku.
“C’mon, girl. What’s wrong?” I check her diaper. Still clean and dry. She just had a bottle not five minutes ago and I’ve bounced and rocked her so much my arms ache—and I’m used to carrying rucksacks that weigh upward of fifty pounds on a light day. “You can’t be hungry. You aren’t sick, are you?”
That would go over well with Avery, I’m sure. The first day back at work and I tap out because the baby has a cold. I press my hand against Gracie’s forehead. She’s warm, but not hot. She drools on my hand and I wipe it away.
“Don’t worry, girl. I won’t take offense.”
Her gummy smile reminds me of my thought about her teething. I grab a piece of ice and put it in a clean rag for her to suck on. It’s like magic. In an instant, she stops crying and goes to town gnawing on the cold rag. Avery is going to flip her shit. Babies aren’t supposed to get teeth this early my ass.
“See there? We can do this. It’ll just take some learning for the both of us. What do you think, Gracie-girl? You think you’d like to have me as a dad?”
At my question, she looks up from her chewing to smile at me again. I’m filled with twin shards of delight and guilt. Her smile is a carbon copy of Avery’s, but her eyes? They’re all mine. I don’t need the DNA test we’d taken to confirm paternity to know she’s mine. I knew the moment I saw her. To have her smiling at me? It’s the world’s best Christmas present and winning the lottery all in one.
But there’s guilt there, too. Guilt because a part of me knows Avery wasn’t far off the mark when she said I needed the thrill, that my job is dangerous. I won’t deny both of those reasons are why I love being a Wildland Firefighter so much. If I do decide to stick around, could I give those things up? Much as I want to think I’d be the selfless parent that Avery is, I’m not sure I could.
Chapter Ten
Avery
I’ll be the first to admit, I had my doubts about Walker.
Clearly.
But when the first night of babysitting—or rather I should say parenting—didn’t end in absolute disaster, I have to admit, I was wrong. Gracie was happy and healthy when I went to pick her up after my shift and Walker didn’t even seem frazzled. I guess when you compare it to a wildfire, watching after one baby can’t really be that intimidating.
We continue with this routine for the next couple of weeks. He spends more and more of his free time cleaning up the rest of the larger debris in my yard. In no time he has the large fallen trees hacked to pieces and burned. He even climbs up on top of my roof and replaces the tin that had gotten torn up when I told him it was leaking inside the house during the next rainstorm.
The be-all and end-all, though, is when he’s with Gracie. If I had no feelings for him after our night together, seeing him with our daughter would have done it for me. He was awkward at first, a little unsure, but the two of them have a rapport I don’t think I’ll ever be able to attain. He’s lighthearted and daring, letting her grab onto his fingers to practice her wobbly legs and cheering her on while I bite my nails off. He lights up when he sees her and the more time I spend with him, the harder it is for me to remember why I shouldn’t want anything more than a father for my daughter.
Before we can blink, it’s nearly Christmas time. I insisted he spend the night so he could be there for Gracie’s first Christmas morning. How could I not? Seeing him watching her would be the best Christmas gift I’ve ever received.
If I thought he was good-looking in a pair of cut-offs and a T-shirt, it was only because I hadn’t seen him in a flannel and jeans. Or even worse, a Christmas onesie that matches the drooling giggling baby girl in his arms. “You’re sure you don’t mind?”
I give myself a mental shake. Must stop picturing him stripping for me. That’s not exactly the platonic coparenting relationship we agreed on. “I’m sure.”
“I can just drive over in the morning.”
He has Gracie in his lap. He’s staring down at her as she coos and waves her arms. The look on his face is indescribable as he babbles at her like they’re having a full-blown conversation. It’s like I don’t even exist. I’ve never been so happy to be ignored in my life. I can’t believe I thought it would hurt her to have him in her life. If anyone knows what it’s like to be without a parent, it’s me.
After clearing my throat, I say, “I said I was sure. Geez, Walker, are you going deaf already? You can borrow some of Grandma Rosie’s hearing aids.”
“Fine,” he replies with an exaggerated expression which causes Gracie to giggle up at him. Be still my heart. He places her in her bouncer to kick and play with the toys hanging over her. “I’ll stay, but I’m sleeping on the couch.”
I nearly roll my eyes. “Really, like we haven’t shared a bed before.”
At this, his gaze turns molten and the air between us heats like we’re creating our own personal wildfire. “Right. And remember what happened the last time?”
My cheeks burn. We’d been dancing around each other for weeks. The sexual tension hadn’t gone away because we’d decided to be mommy and daddy. It had only gotten worse, at least for me, because I knew making a move would be a huge mistake. “Fine. Stay on the couch.”
But my words come out way more breathless than I’d like. Instead of joking back with me, Walker says nothing. His eyes drop to my lips and I can feel his gaze like he’s kissing me a
gain—something he hadn’t done since the first day. Something I’d been thinking about damn near every second since.
Grandma Rosie is napping and Gracie is happily kicking away in her bouncer, but it feels like Walker and I are the only two people in the world. It’s the same way he’d made me feel the first night I met him at the restaurant. It had been crowded then with the dinner rush, but the second we locked eyes, everything else faded away. I used to make fun of women who talked about love at first sight. Okay, maybe it was lust at first sight and love the moment I saw Gracie smiling up at him.
I’d been hit on at work before, but it didn’t feel that way with Walker. He hadn’t hit on me, not really. At the end of my shift, he’d asked me to a nearby bar, no pretense, no phony coaxing, and I’d said yes without hesitation. I’ve asked myself a thousand times why? What made him feel so safe?
Now I know.
It had been his eyes. They’d been so achingly sad and lonely. Not in a pitiful, I’ll be your female knight-in-shining-armor kind of way. More in an I’ve found my likeness in another sort of way. In his eyes, I saw my own loneliness reflected and for a moment, maybe I thought…it’s silly now, but maybe I thought he’d understand how that felt.
I wonder if he can read how much I want him in my eyes just as easily. The air between us seems to crackle with potential. Potential for heat. For more. Potential for heartbreak. The tension sizzles along my skin, taking with it what little self-control I’d cultivated.
Giving in, I lift my hand to his chest and nearly shiver at the mere feeling of his warmth underneath my palm. I’ve spent so many nights since he kissed me after the storm reliving the moment and wishing I’d let myself enjoy it more that my knees nearly buckle at the contact. Underneath my palm, his heart beats in an unsteady gallop and I wonder if he’s thought about touching me as much as I have him.