by Nikki Ash
I look up and his blue-gray eyes have gone stormy dark. His lips are slightly parted and his chest lifts rapidly with each inhalation. My stomach clenches with the knowledge that I’m not the only one who has been tortured by the distance. I’m not the only one who has been suffering with needs long repressed.
“We should put the baby down for bed,” he says in a rough voice. “So she gets enough sleep for tomorrow.”
“She’s fine,” I say with a shake of my head.
“Avery,” he warns.
But for the first time in my life, I don’t heed the warnings. Don’t follow the rules. I lift up to the tips of my toes to reach his lips and kiss him like I’ve been wanting to kiss him since I first saw him. His hands come to my hips, but they don’t push me away. Instead, they grip and hold as though he’s afraid to let me go, too.
A bud of hope takes place in my chest as his lips part for me and his tongue flits out to caress my own. The hands at my hips tighten almost to the point of pain, but I don’t care. All I want is to drown in him for a little while longer. He retreats, but only to rub his lips over mine, to tease and tempt. I push myself up higher, riddled with need, which makes him laugh.
“Don’t laugh,” I say indignantly. “Just kiss me.”
“So impatient,” he teases and pleases us both by bringing his mouth back to mine.
This kiss is deeper and longer. It brings to mind tangled sheets and slick skin. If kissing him was a mistake, it’s one I want to make over and over and over again.
I don’t know who made the first move, but the next thing I know I’m beneath him on the threadbare couch. He feels so good on top of me it almost makes me want to climb out of my own skin because the wanting him is so intense. His hands are all over me, restless with his own urgency. My thighs part to bring him closer and I hiss my pleasure at the contact. All I can think about is that I want more.
The baby chooses that moment to start crying.
Walker freezes above me, his head popping up in disbelief. My body goes limp with frustration and I press my hands to my face to fight for some semblance of self-control. With careful movements, he gets to his feet.
“I’ll get her,” he says.
I’m grateful for the moment to myself to put the needy parts of me back together again. I’d been close, so close, to the edge and he’d barely even touched me. If I thought it would be easy to do this co-parenting thing without making it complicated, I knew now I was dead wrong.
Chapter Eleven
Walker
“We need to talk.”
No one likes to hear those words, but I’d been expecting them ever since we kissed the night before Christmas. We’d been able to toe around the tension between us while we focused on Gracie, but her kissing me changed everything. “I know. Did Gracie go down?” I ask.
“For the count.” Avery settles on the couch next to me. It’s two days past Christmas, but I couldn’t seem to make myself leave. Opening presents with Gracie, Rosie, and Avery had been the kind of holidays I’d never gotten as a child after my brother died. Maybe I wanted to soak up as much of it as possible, not that Avery seemed to mind.
Until now.
She didn’t object when I suggested I stay the night—on the couch—to help with Grandma Rosie once she caught a nasty cold after the holiday. In fact, part of her seemed relieved. Maybe she thought I’d run at the first opportunity. Maybe she wanted me to stick around. At this point, I didn’t know which option I preferred. Both equally scare the shit out of me.
“What did you need to talk about?”
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Avery says directly.
I’ve learned since I’ve been around her that keeping things to herself is an aberration. She must have been truly scared to withhold the truth about Gracie for so long—not that that’s an excuse. In her day-to-day life Avery tackles her responsibilities head on which includes any confrontations. I won’t ever forget that she lied by omission, but I can understand her reasoning more. Or at least her state of mind when she did what she did.
“I’ve been less than twenty feet away from you for nearly a week.”
Avery rolls her eyes. “Don’t play dumb. It was the kiss, wasn’t it? Did it make it too weird? Look, I’m sorry for coming on to you if that’s not what you wanted. The last thing I want to do is to make this harder on anyone. Gracie is the only one who matters here and if you meant it about putting our parenting relationship first, then I’ll respect that from this point forward. I know you may not have forgiven me for what I did, I mean I understand—”
I press my fingers over her lips and bite back a smile. God, she loves to ramble when she gets all worked up. I didn’t know that about her. There are so many things I don’t know about her. So many things I wish I could learn about her. “I’ve forgiven you.”
She deflates a little, then says, “You have?”
Nodding, I drop my fingers and say, “I’ve seen how hard it is for you to work, take care of your grandma and take care of Gracie. You’re a good mom, Ave, and I can accept that you were scared of how I’d react. We never really knew each other, and it was a crazy situation to be put in. I can’t say how I’d react if something similar happened to me, so I have no right to judge you. I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t hurt having missed everything, but I’m willing to work with you to move forward.”
“Wow, that’s not what I was expecting you to say,” she says with a laugh. “Thank you. I hope you know I mean that. You’ve done so much for us already and—”
“Stop, you don’t have to keep thanking me. I do those things because I want to.”
She gestures over her lips with a zipping motion.
“There’s something I need to talk to you about, too.”
I wasn’t sure how I was going to bring this up. I’d spent the past few days since I learned about it to decide what I wanted to do, and I figure I’d better get it over with before I lose my nerve.
Her smile falls. “What is it?”
“I got offered a job.”
She brightens a little. “At the fire department?”
Well, I had, but I couldn’t tell her that. Shaking my head, I say, “No, another contract. This one for nearly double what I usually work and what’s basically a promotion. It’s something I’ve been working for my whole life.”
“You did? A promotion, wow. You must be really hot stuff, huh?” Her expression is a mixture of surprise, pain, and false happiness.
Somehow, it’s worse that she’s trying so hard to be happy for me. Indecision chokes my words, but I say, “Yeah, I apply for them every year. The listings normally don’t go up for a few months, but I wasn’t sure how we, this, everything was going to work out, so when I saw it, I applied as a contingency.”
Her smile is kind and understanding, which shouldn’t feel like a knife to the heart, but it does. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I know I was emotional about your job in the beginning, but I can’t be mad at you for doing something you love. I saw you after the storm. I could never be so calm and brave like you were. If this is what you want to do, it would be wrong of me not to support you. You’re a great firefighter, Walker. A good person. Gracie will always be proud to call you her dad.”
I slump back against the couch. “What made you change your mind?”
“Well, I’ve seen you with Gracie and I can’t deny you’re so good with her. Even though you may not be the type of dad who’s there every day, you’re a man she can be proud to call her father and that matters more than anything to me. I was wrong. I had no right to dictate what your relationship would be. If you want to fight wildfires every year, I’m sure we can figure out a way to make your relationship with Gracie when you’re here the best it can be.”
“Do you really mean that?” I can’t tell from her expression or her voice what she’s feeling. No doubt she’s drawing from that well of inner strength—or maybe that’s my vanity talking. And then I feel like shit. I shoul
dn’t want her to be upset that I’m leaving.
“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”
“What about us?”
At this, she pulls away and I feel the distance settle between us like a rock. “I think you were right. What’s most important is that you and Gracie have a positive relationship. I don’t ever want to come between you two or you following your dreams.”
“What if I said I wanted to make it work? All of it?”
“How would we do that?” she asks.
“Well, we could start by going out on an actual date.”
To my relief, she laughs, but her eyes are somber. “If we did that eventually you would feel obligated to stay and you would start to resent me. Or I’d get insecure about you being away so much. I don’t want that to sour anything and affect your wanting to be with Gracie.”
“Nothing would ever affect my wanting to be with Gracie. I’ll admit, at first my instinct was to bolt. I’ve run from being tied down like this my whole life. My father never got over being married and not chasing his dreams. When we lost my brother, it damn near broke him and I swore I’d never fall into that trap.”
“Exactly,” Avery says. “I don’t want you to try and stay for me. Whatever you do, we’ll make sure Gracie gets time with you. When you’re off season or on vacation when she’s older, she can visit or stay with you when she’s in town.”
There’s a glint in her eye and for the first time I don’t think I’m going to be able to convince her otherwise when she has her mind set. “Is this really what you want?”
“I only want you to be happy. If this contract makes you happy, I think you should take it. I won’t ever stand in your way of doing what you love, Walker.”
The hardest thing I’ve ever done was walk away from the two of them the next morning knowing I wouldn’t be seeing them again for a long, long time.
Then realizing if shit went sideways, it could be the last time I ever saw them.
Chapter Twelve
Avery
If I had any doubts about how the short time with Walker had affected Gracie, they’re extinguished by how cranky she is in the days following his departure. She may only be a baby, but she can certainly tell when her world is not as it should be.
I rock her back and forth, jiggling her in my arms and shh-ing with all my might, but nothing helps. Like me, she’d gotten used to having him around and now she doesn’t like it when he’s gone. Her face is flushed red and angry tears leak from the corners of her eyes. Nothing has ever made me feel as helpless, not even being in the middle of a hurricane, as not being able to comfort my baby.
Kissing her forehead, I murmur, “I understand, honeybee, but Daddy had to go fight fires. He’ll be back in a few months to see you. He promised.”
I’d come to the realization after we kissed that if I truly cared for Walker like I thought I did, then that meant I had to give him the space to come to terms with being a father on his own. I couldn’t force a happy relationship with Gracie—or with me—not after I’d stolen it from him in the first place. I would do my best to facilitate, but it would be up to him.
“It’s the right decision,” I tell the fussing baby. “You’ll understand when you’re older. God, what a total mom thing to say.”
Eventually, she settles down into a fitful sleep on my chest. I park myself on the couch to give us both some rest before my next shift at work. Gracie will be going back to the evening daycare, which I’m already dreading, but it is what it is. Life goes on. As evidenced by the healing community around me every day, life goes on, but only if you put in the effort.
Gracie fights me at drop-off, and I arrive at the restaurant already ready to go home. I’m not in the mood for the rude, entitled customers or the grabby hands, but I have a baby to raise and Grandma Rosie’s night nurse isn’t cheap, even after her insurance pays their portion.
Life goes on.
The thought rolls around in my brain over and over.
Life goes on.
Before Walker, I was passing through the days and weeks and years, just trying to keep my head above water. That one night with him had been like a buoy, reminding me I didn’t always have to struggle through it alone. Even through the trials of pregnancy and birth, I’d held on to the feeling of having his arms around me, protecting me. Sheltering me. It’s the safest I’ve ever felt.
I shake my head and try to clear it of thoughts of him. My eyes catch on a customer and I nearly do a double take until I realize I’m not seeing things. Either Walker has a twin or he’s sitting at the same table he’d been at the night we first met.
Still thinking I’m dreaming, I walk toward him in a daze. “Walker?”
His mouth lifts in a half grin, no doubt at my dumbfounded expression. “You look surprised to see me.”
Surprised doesn’t cover half of it. I’m still not certain I’m not hallucinating. Gracie has been teething, so sleep has become a thing of the past. Hallucinations wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility. “W-what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be halfway to Colorado by now. Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine.” He pulls me down into the chair next to him. Well, I felt his hands on mine. They felt real enough. So he’s not a sleep-deprived hallucination, but still, I’m left with more questions than answers.
“Then what are you doing here?” My brain can’t quite catch up with reality. Much like the day after the storm when he’d appeared out of nowhere, my thoughts seem to keep misfiring. “Was your flight canceled?”
At this he smiles again, which doesn’t help my cognition one bit. “No, it wasn’t canceled. I didn’t get on it.”
“You’re not making any sense. Explain it to me in small words because I’m afraid I may be having comprehension issues. I thought it was what you wanted. Why wouldn’t you get on the plane? You said yourself you worked for it your whole life. It’s everything you ever wanted.” I don’t know why I’m arguing—having him back is all I’ve been thinking about since he left. After what I put him through, though, I can’t fathom the thought of being the reason he walks away from something he loves so much.
“It’s just a job. If it was everything I ever wanted, it wouldn’t have felt so wrong taking it. Besides, before I left the fire department here offered me a position. Hell, they’re hurting for bodies now they practically begged me to take it.”
“I don’t understand,” I admit with a shake of my head. “Working at a small-town fire department isn’t the same as jumping out of planes into wildfires. Would that even make you happy?”
He lifts a hand to cup my nape and warmth spreads all over me. I didn’t think I’d ever feel that safe, protective warmth again. When I can meet his eyes again it’s through a haze of tears in mine. “It took the time without you to realize I don’t want to be anywhere if you and Gracie aren’t there.”
I can’t help the smile that spreads over my lips. Then I frown, demanding through a voice laced think with tears, “Don’t play with me unless you mean it.”
“I’m not messing with you. I mean it. Following my dreams doesn’t mean anything if I do it alone. It’s just going through the motions. I’m staying here in Battleboro. I want to be with you and Gracie.”
“Wait. Wait. You don’t have to do this because you think you have to. I told you I’d make your relationship with Gracie work. You don’t have to give up everything for me.”
“I’m not giving up anything. Having a life with you and Gracie—that’s everything. That means more to me than any job.”
“Are you sure?”
He leans forward, kisses my objections away. “I’ve never been surer of anything in my life.”
Later after the longest shift of my life, Walker pulls me into the house and shuts the front door behind me. Grandma Rosie is long since asleep and Gracie is knocked out after the ride back from daycare, so they aren’t disturbed when I giggle as he pushes me against the door and takes my mouth in a hot, sweet kis
s.
“This is what I was hoping you’d do the night we met,” he says against my lips as fire burns me up from the inside out. “It was killing me not getting to taste you.”
His lips travel down my throat, making my reply breathless and desperate. “I wanted to so bad, but I chickened out.” His mouth finds mine again and I pant when he breaks free. “What else did you want to do?” I ask, wanting to torture us both a little. It’s been a long time…too long, but I want to make it last.
Walker grins wickedly. “Why don’t I show you instead?”
My throat goes bone dry. All I can do is nod my assent.
He leads me back to my room on the back side of the house where he patiently, competently strips me of my clothes. Spreading me out before him, he crouches between my legs like a man at a feast. My fingers fist in the comforter as his mouth explores the delicate flesh. My thighs begin to shake at his careful ministrations. When I attempt to vise his head with my legs, his strong fingers clamp down on the trembling muscles and hold me wide for his attention.
“Please,” I beg.
But if he hears me, he pays no mind. Clearly, he also wants to torture us both a little…or a lot.
I toss and turn as he brings me to the edge and back again several times. It’s the most exquisite kind of torture. When I’m coated in a fine sheen of sweat, he finally pulls away to yank off his shirt and tug off his pants. Gloriously naked and hard, he climbs on top of me, fitting between my legs like he was made to be there.
When he slides inside me, it feels like coming home, like I’d been waiting for this moment since the morning when I’d left him asleep in that bed.
His fingers comb through my hair to grip my scalp and he says, “Look at me. I want you to look at me for this.” I think he means to look at him when I come, because God I’m close, but then he says, “I love you, Avery. I think I have since the night I met you.”