by Nikki Ash
“You're done, bad guy,” Hollis growls adorably in his little voice.
He hits Harland with the foam sword, and Harland doesn't miss a beat. He pretends like it actually injured him, but when Hollis leaps onto his stomach, the groan that comes from Harland sounds a little more real. Still, he grabs his waist and flips them over carefully before tickling him. Hollis squirms around in a fit of giggles.
“Hawlan, stop it.”
“What was that?” Harland laughs. “You want more? Okay, buddy. You asked for it!”
As he tickles him even more, Hollis's laughter gets louder. It isn't until Harland stops that they both calm down. Hollis lies on the floor, catching his breath, and I notice him yawn.
“H,” I call his name, but realize my mistake the second they both answer me.
“What?” they say in unison.
Covering up the similarity with a smile, I look at Hollis. “It's time for bed, babe.”
He immediately starts to pout. “Do I have to?”
“Yeah. It's been a long day, and it's already an hour past your bedtime.”
“Okay,” he sighs and gets up, but instead of coming toward me, he stops and looks at Harland. “Will you come back and play with me tomorrow?”
My heart nearly explodes when I see how much they've managed to bond in just a few hours. Harland glances over at me, and I nod once.
“Sure, buddy. I can do that.”
Hollis grins broadly and runs into Harland's arms, catching us both off guard. “Goodnight, Hawlan.”
Harland wraps his arms around him and closes his eyes as he embraces his son. “Goodnight, little man.”
When they let go, Hollis runs over to me. I pick him up in my arms, but before I head toward Hollis's room, I focus on Harland.
“Wait here,” I tell him. “I'll be right out.”
He nods, and I leave to tuck our son into bed.
After three bedtime stories and a promise that we can have ice cream for breakfast, I'm finally leaving his room and closing the door behind me. Overtired children are more difficult than third-world dictators, I swear.
“Sorry that took so long,” I say as I walk into the living room, but the sight in front of me stops me in my tracks.
The mess that looked like a volcano of toys erupted in my living room is gone, and everything is neatly put away. There is a stack of toys organized in the corner, and all the cards in a pile on the coffee table. The one thing that's missing, though, is Harland.
The sound of glasses clinking pulls my attention to the kitchen, and I won't admit to how much relief floods through me when I see he's still here. He pours wine into each glass and then puts the bottle back in the fridge.
“You cleaned,” I breathe.
He shrugs and grabs both glasses, handing one to me as he comes close. “I figure you've cleaned up after him for the last four years. It was the least I could do.”
“Um, thanks.” His words are the last thing I expected, especially after how he acted at Hollis's party. “I guess that was my choice, though.”
He walks over to the couch and sits down, patting the seat next to him like this is his place and I'm the guest. Then again, Harland has always had so much more confidence than me. That's probably why he makes such a great rockstar.
I take a sip of my wine for a little liquid courage and then sit down next to him. He turns his whole body so he's facing me and places a hand on my knee. It takes everything in me to ignore the feelings that flood through me from the gesture.
“That's what I wanted to talk to you about,” he says. “The things I said earlier today were uncalled for. I'll admit, I was angry, but I shouldn't have taken that out on you.”
“You shouldn't have?”
He shakes his head. “No, because think about it—as much as I would have loved to be there while he was doing all those firsts, and trust me, I would have given up everything for it, I also know that what I have been doing the last four years has been incredible. You sacrificed everything for our son, and I think also for me. Christ, Em. You've done an amazing job with him.”
I look down at my lap, watching the wine swirl in the glass. “I still should have told you.”
“You should have,” he confirms. “I agree. But what is being mad about that really going to get me? As long as I'm in his life now, I'm willing to let it go. Leave it in the past and all that.”
Surprise etches across my face as my eyes meet his. “You are?”
Nodding slowly, he smiles. “I am. He's my number one priority. And if that means forgiving you, then so be it. I want to be there, Emery. I want to be his dad.”
Tears spring to my eyes, because despite the fact that I kept it to myself, there's still that small part of me that has always yearned to hear those words come from his lips. “I want that, too.”
He smiles wider, with that one dimple he has on his left side popping. “Good.” Removing his hand from my knee, he gives me the ability to think a little clearer. “So, tell me about him. Start from the beginning. I want to know everything about Little H.”
Little H. I like the sound of that.
Chapter Six
Harland
The hot water pours down on me, covering my skin in the kind of relief I need. My muscles ache from all the nights I’ve spent sleeping on Emery’s couch. It’s been a month since we agreed to leave the past behind us and start fresh, and while no one but Emery, Mila, and me know the truth, I’ve loved every second of it. Spending almost every day with my son has been the brightest light in what was a really dark tunnel.
We’ve been trying to figure out how to break the news to everyone—especially Hollis and Ashlyn. Thankfully, my sister has been distracted with the new guy she’s seeing and hasn’t been spending every waking moment at Emery’s like she usually does. But with every day I spend with Hollis, the more I love him and the more desperate I am to claim him fully.
He is by far the best little kid I’ve ever met. And sure, I might be biased, but what dad wouldn’t feel that way about their son? He’s always so happy. He’s friendly and polite to everyone. And genuinely, I’ve never seen a kid who shares as much as he does. We took him to the playground the other day, and he gave one of his favorite action figures to a little boy who cried when he saw it, because that was his favorite one and he lost his.
Needless to say, I went out and bought him another one before the sun went down.
A part of me wonders what his reaction will be when he finds out I’m his dad. Will he be angry? Glad? Curious? There are just so many ways it could go, and the possibility that it could go wrong weighs heavily on me every day.
We’re going to need to tell him soon, because the longer we go without it, the worse it could be, but first, we need to tell Ashlyn. The last thing Emery needs is for her best friend to find out the truth through Hollis.
I step out of the shower and wrap a towel around my waist. The cold air cools my heated skin in an instant as I leave the bathroom. Today, Emery and I are taking Hollis to the zoo. He’s been addicted to watching YouTube videos of all the different animals lately, so I figured what better thing to do on a Saturday afternoon than to take him to see them in person.
It’s going to take a little bit of effort to remain hidden. A hat, sunglasses, and long sleeves to hide my tattoos, even though it is nearly eighty-five degrees outside. I’ll deal with it though. The last thing I need is for someone to notice me and call the media. Gossip about the end of my engagement has died down a bit, but if they found out about Hollis, they’d have a field day. I haven’t even told my publicist yet.
Still, the look on his face will be well worth the risk.
After I’m done getting dressed, I head downstairs and into the kitchen to get a drink. Ashlyn sits at the island and from the second I walk in the room, her eyes stay locked on me. She watches me carefully as I go to the fridge and grab an energy drink out of it. When I turn around and see her squinting, my brows raise.
“
What are you staring at, weirdo?” I ask her.
She tilts her head to the side and pinches her bottom lip between her thumb and index finger. “I just can’t figure it out.”
“Figure what out?”
“Why you’re so cheery all the time lately,” she says. “I mean, your band is still on hiatus. You’re living at home with Mom, which I still don’t understand because you have enough money to buy the whole damn town. And you’re not getting laid.” She clamps her mouth shut and her eyes widen. “Wait. Please don’t tell me you’re back with Lindsey.”
I throw my head back, laughing at the mere idea. “Not a chance in hell.”
“Are you sure? It would explain a lot.”
“Positive, Ash. I can’t just be in a good mood?”
She shakes her head. “No. It’s strange, and so not you.”
I chuckle and make my way around the island until I’m next to her. “I guess I just started enjoying the break. I’m home, and for the first time in years, I don’t have a million things I need to do at once. And”—I throw my arm around her—”I get to annoy my little sister and scare her new boyfriend away.”
Looking up at me, she glares. “Don’t you dare. I actually like this one.”
“I know you do. That’s exactly the problem,” I growl.
She chuckles and rolls her eyes. “Lord help the woman who ends up with you and your caveman tendencies. She better be a saint.”
As her words sink in, thoughts of Emery pass through my mind. You’d have to be blind to not see how painstakingly gorgeous she is. The way her brown hair flows down her back. How her eyes sparkle in the sunlight, and the way happiness radiates off her. You can’t be around her and not be in a good mood. And then there’s how she is with our son.
I don’t think I’ve ever met someone so protective and yet so gentle. Even within the last month, I’ve seen her patience hanging by a thread with how hard she’s been working, but still, she never takes any of it out on Hollis. She keeps her voice calm and loving with him, and maybe a little firm when needed, but never angry. It’s mesmerizing.
A part of me wonders what it would be like if she and I got together. If we finally got our chance. The same one we should have had years ago but didn’t.
Would we be happy?
Would we fail?
It’s not like I have much faith in relationships at this point, given my track record, but this is Emery. I’ve known her, and wanted her, for as long as I can remember. It was always so hard to stay away, especially knowing how much she wanted me too. It was so obvious, and sometimes I had fun messing with her, but I don’t think anyone really knew how much I felt the same way.
But still, she’s my sister’s best friend.
Mother of my son or not, she’s off limits for the foreseeable future.
At least until Ashlyn knows the truth.
I pull up to Emery’s apartment to find her and Hollis already outside. He’s running around in circles, and the second Em points out my car, he starts jumping up and down. She chuckles and shakes her head as I get out and open the back door.
“Hey, little man!” I greet him.
He smiles brightly. “We’re going to the zoo!”
“I know!” I match his excitement. “Climb in so we can get going.”
Emery gets in the passenger seat as I buckle Hollis into his seat. When I’m done, I get back in the car and put my seatbelt on. Em looks over at me, confused.
“Why does everyone keep looking at me like that today?”
She giggles. “I’m just wondering why you’re dressed for snow.”
Oh. “I’m incognito.”
Her brows raise and she reaches over and grabs at my sweatshirt. “Is that why you’re wearing a Sound the Sirens hoodie? Harland, you’re practically a walking billboard.”
“Am I really?” I look down. Shit. “Hold on. I have another in the back.”
I get out of the car and go around to the back, where I have another hoodie. It’s solid black, but I still check it over to make sure there is no band insignia on it or anything. As I was getting dressed this morning, I decided not to wear a shirt underneath the hoodie in an attempt to keep me from getting too hot, which means taking this off leaves me bare from the waist up. I’m about to pull on the new sweatshirt when I catch Emery watching me in the rearview mirror. Her cheeks pink when she notices she’s caught, but she doesn’t look away. I wink at her and close the back hatch, ending the moment long before I wanted to.
When I get back into the car, Emery rolls her eyes at me playfully, but the second Hollis starts talking about how excited he is, the moment is gone. Honestly, it’s probably for the best. She and I are unfamiliar territory, and until we have the chance to explore it, I’d rather stay in the safe zone.
As I pull out onto the road, I take a cigarette out of the pack and put it between my lips, but before I can even light it, Em reaches over and rips it out of my mouth. She breaks it in half, and throws it out the window. My brows furrow as I glance over at her, but she’s completely unfazed.
“The fuck?” I mutter.
Her eyes widen, but it’s Hollis who speaks. “Potty word!”
“Yeah, Harland,” she teases. “That’s a potty word.”
“You have to put a dollar in the swear jar when we get home!” Hollis yells excitedly.
I chuckle. “You have a swear jar?”
Knowing Em, she probably fills that thing up once a week. The girl has the mouth of a sailor, and zero apologies for it. She shrugs and puts her feet up on the dash.
“He uses the money to buy toys I probably would have bought for him anyway.” She glances back at Hollis, who is now happily absorbed in playing with his iPad. “And if you think you’re smoking in the car with him, I’ll be making you say a hell of a lot more than fuck.”
“Mommy!” Hollis chastises.
She lays her head back against the headrest. “I know, H. Potty word.”
Emery hits a few buttons on the center console, and my most recent album comes through the speakers. I can’t help but subtly watch as she sings along. I always knew she liked my music, but I had no idea she was an actual fan.
It’s then that I realize two things.
One: there isn’t a single inch of me that isn’t fucking drawn to her, and it’s getting hard to deny.
And two, I really liked the way it sounded when Hollis said, “when we get home.”
Yeah, I’m fucked.
Chapter Seven
Emery
“Hollis, we have to get ready,” I tell him for the millionth time.
He throws himself on the ground. “I don’t want to!”
Ugh. This is what happens when he misses his nap. I can only imagine how he’s going to act at dinner. We’re going over to Ashlyn’s for her birthday dinner, and of course this is the one day he decided to successfully boycott nap time. Lucky me.
I lower myself down to his level and reach for his hand. “H, don’t you want to see Aunt Ashlyn?” He nods. “Then we need to get you dressed so we can go.”
Hollis has been used to seeing Ashlyn almost every day for most of his life, but since Harland came back, everything has been different. She started dating this guy named Brandon that she met at work, and I started using Mila as an excuse for why I didn’t need her to watch Hollis for me. It’s not that I like lying to her, but I also couldn’t necessarily tell her the truth. Besides, she didn’t ask many questions, because it gave her more time to spend with her new beau.
The reality that I need to tell her weighs on me more and more every day. And I’ve come close. There was one night we went out to dinner to catch up, and I almost came clean, but I couldn’t. The words got stuck in my throat, and I just couldn’t seem to get them out.
It’s only a matter of time before Hollis mentions something to her about it. Harland has been here just about every day, only missing a couple due to things his publicist needed him to do. Hollis has gotten used to that, and honestly, h
e’s not the only one. Harland being around all the time has been messing with my headspace, but in all the best ways. It’s like we’ve been hidden away, playing house together in my tiny apartment and ignoring that the rest of the world exists. Like our problems don’t matter. But that can’t last forever.
Once I get through her birthday, I’m going to tell her. She deserves to know, and Harland deserves not having to hide the fact that Hollis is his son. I know for a fact she’s going to be pissed. I mean, I’ve been best friends with her since the third grade. I just hope it doesn’t make her hate me forever.
I turn around to see Hollis playing with toys instead of putting his clothes on like I asked. Throwing my head back, I groan and take my phone out of my pocket. I dial the familiar number without even thinking and put it to my ear.
“Hey, Em,” Harland answers. “Everything okay?”
“Not exactly.” I pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and index finger. “I can’t seem to get Hollis to listen to me today. Can you talk to him?”
He chuckles into the phone. “Yeah. Put him on.”
“H,” I call. “Phone for you.”
I put it on speaker and hand it to him, knowing he would never hold it to his ear the right way. He tilts his head to the side as he takes it from me.
“Hello?”
“Hey, little man,” Harland greets him.
Hollis lights up instantly. “Hi, Hawlan.”
“I hear you’re not listening to your mom. That doesn’t sound like you. Is everything okay?”
He shrugs, not realizing Harland can’t see him. “I don’t want to go. I want to play with my toys.”
“Would it change your mind if I told you that I’ll be there?”