by Nikki Ash
“Willa, my goodness, don’t you think it’s time to get over this little crush? It’s become quite humiliating. He’s practically engaged, not to mention too old for you.”
I clench my jaw so hard; I wait for her to yell at me next for ruining my perfect teeth. “It’s not a crush.”
She throws her head back and laughs theatrically. “Oh, come on. Really, Willa?” She tsks me and goes back to reading her magazine. “Why don’t you spend less time pining over someone way above your means and more time on someone more suitable like Walter? He may become an asset to this family one day. If no one fancies you at school, we’ll have to work something out so he’ll—”
“I’m pregnant.”
Shoot.
Did I just say that out loud? Mother drops her magazine and slowly turns my way. Darn it, I did.
“Excuse me?”
It’s now or never. Deep breaths. “I said I’m pregnant. And Jake is the father.” She stares at me for so long, I worry I broke her. Then she throws her head back and lets out a boisterous laugh.
“Oh, goodness, Willa. Desperation does not look good on you. Nor do your pale cheeks. Go upstairs and change. I see wrinkles, and your hair is ungodly—”
“I’m pregnant!” I yell. “I’m pregnant, and it’s Jake DuPont’s!” I yell louder, so tired of being swept under her fancy Persian rug like I don’t matter. I’m so sick of being me.
“You better knock it off this instant, Willa Brianne. That is not amusing or funny. These games you’re playing—where are you going? Willa! Get back here! Where are you going?” she shouts at my back as I walk out the front door and storm next door. Pregnancy hormones are no joke. It’s my explanation for losing my marbles and thinking banging on the DuPonts’ door until someone answers, telling them they’re going to be grandparents, and demanding Jake’s goddamn number is a grand idea.
My fist bangs against the mahogany wood until Mrs. DuPont answers. Her tightly pinned eyes widen in surprise at my evident distress. “Oh heavens, are you all right?” she gasps.
I open my mouth to confess just how not all right I am when my mother latches into my hair, pulls me backward, and slaps her hand over my mouth. “Of course! My daughter isn’t feeling well and seems to have a fever causing her to act a bit outlandish.”
Fever my ass. “I’m pwgamt!” I scream behind the barrier.
“What was that?”
“Pwegmang!”
“Not well. Truly, her time of the month. Some young women just don’t know how to handle the hormones.”
Mrs. DuPont’s brows perk up, confused, and most likely embarrassed for my mother. And since I’m not in my right mind, I take my elbow to her sternum, knocking her arm away. “I said I’m pregnant. With Jake’s baby.”
Poor Mrs. DuPont passes out.
I messed up. Mother is furious, and my father won’t even look at me. At a time when I could really use some affection and understanding, I’ve never felt so neglected.
“How could you do this to us?” my mother hisses as she paces the living room.
“I didn’t plan this. It just happened.”
“How? Did you seduce him? Force yourself? Was it even him?” I chew on the inside of my cheek. No one believes me. My parents claim it’s a cry for help. The DuPonts refuse to acknowledge it. I told them just to let me talk to Jake, but they denied my request. My parents sent me up to bed, telling me to stay there until they decided what to do with me, like I was some old, worn piece of furniture they were debating on dumping.
I cry myself to sleep, dreaming of Jake and wishing he was here, then wake up to my mother tossing my bedsheets off me and slapping a sheet of paper on the bed.
“Read this. Then get dressed. We’re leaving in thirty minutes.” She walks out, slamming the door behind her. I wipe away the sleep from my eyes and unfold the piece of paper. It’s an email…from Jake.
Willa,
I’m shocked to hear the news my parents presented me with and cannot claim personal responsibility. I hope you can get the help you need and make this go away. I’m days away from asking Rebecca to become my wife and need to focus on my residency and fiancée. Hope you understand. Be well. - Jake
My tears soak through the paper. My head shakes back and forth in denial, making me dizzy. Dropping the paper, I run to the bathroom to throw up. No, no, no…There’s no way he would just brush me off. That night meant something. He loves…
I don’t realize my mother’s been standing in the doorway, observing me this whole time. When my eyes catch hers, a chill radiates between us. “We’re done with your games, Willa. You’ve embarrassed us for the last time. When you leave here, you won’t be coming back. I suggest you take what valuables you consider worthy.” Then she disappears.
I don’t know why I thought my mother would pull me into her arms, comfort me, and tell me everything was going to be okay the second I confessed. I don’t know why I’m shocked my parents choose to ship me away as the solution. As I gather my minimal things, I wonder about school. Will I still attend? Will they welcome me back once I have the baby? Am I having the baby? I grab at my stomach, worry overwhelming me. How far will my parents go to make this go away? Make my baby disappear? Our baby?
The drive is long. My parents opt to drive separately, as if I’ll infect them with my disease. I’m scared and alone, except for my stuffy driver, who refuses to tell me where we’re going. My phone was taken away so I can’t Google my location. My only clues are the scenery outside my window. The busyness of the city disappears, and we spend hours driving into the country. Worry starts to eat away at me. My parents are ruthless, but they wouldn’t force me to abort…
The car stops, and I prepare to run as soon as the door opens. When the door is ajar, two women dressed in black, silver crosses hanging from their necks, stand in my way of freedom.
“What’s going on? What are we doing here?” I ask, my voice trembling. My eyes take in the nineteenth-century old brick castle. A church. Nuns…They’re abandoning me at a nunnery? I stare past the two nuns, fighting for my mother’s attention. My lower lip begins to tremble, and the first tear since this horrid journey began slides down my cheek. “Mother, what are you doing? Why are we here? You’re not going to leave me here, are you? I’m your daughter. Daddy?” I beg my father to do something, but he refuses to look at me.
“Miss Mazaar, I’m Sister Helen. This is where you will be staying until you give birth. The monastery is a safe and private place. You have our utmost discretion during your stay. As soon as you’re healthy enough, you can return home.”
My eyes flash to my mother. “You’re stowing me away at a monastery? Hiding me like this never happened? What about the baby? What will you say when I magically appear in nine months with an infant?”
“Willa, you’re certainly not returning home with it.”
It. That’s what human life is to my heartless mother. My blood runs cold as I stare at the woman who gave birth to me; she’s no mother to me. She has never been. “Then don’t expect me to come home either. I’m done being your puppet. You can find another daughter to put on your shows.” I climb out of the car, allowing the nun to take my bag.
“Stop being so foolish. This is your mistake. Be thankful you have this option and that no one will think twice about you taking a year off school to travel—”
“But I’m not traveling! I’m pregnant. I will have a baby. Your grandchild. And you’re so cold and heartless, you don’t even care!”
She tsks me away as she and my father walk back toward their town car. “Wait, where are you going? Don’t leave me here!” I cry out. I run toward them, but I’m secured by each arm. “Mother!” My scream tears at my throat. “If you leave me here, I’ll never forgive you!” My heart cracks as I watch my parents get into their vehicle and leave without a second glance. A chill casts over me, turning my heart to stone with hatred. I will never forgive them for this.
“Shhh now, dear. You’re in good hands.
We’ll take care of you.”
Chapter Four
Two years later
“Give her to me.” Sister Helen fusses, grabbing Bria before I can say no. Everyone seems to be more needy than usual today.
“This isn’t goodbye. I’ll come visit. I promise.” Sister Helen and Sister Anne both look at me, tears welling in their eyes. “What! I promise!” I laugh and shake my head. These ladies. Bria starts to whine, and I hand them a sippy cup, knowing she’s in good hands, and go to finish packing my things.
After two years of calling this place our home, my daughter and I are saying goodbye and heading off on our new journey. A small part of me aches not to be welcomed home by the family who raised me. But with the reminder of how cold and evil the two people I share blood with are, I know my new life will be better if I don’t hold out any false hope of them ever coming around and loving me the way a mother and father should, let alone their grandchild.
The only time my mother made contact was shortly after I gave birth. She asked if I had learned my lesson and looked thin enough to return home. Her only concern. She didn’t ask if I had a girl or a boy. If he or she was healthy. If I was healthy. She wanted to make sure I looked thin enough no one would suspect.
I held in my shame and anger, refused to give her my tears, and told her if I couldn’t bring my daughter with me, I wasn’t coming home. Her only response was if I disobey, they’d cut me off financially - strip me of my name and lineage.
Any thread of love I harbored at that moment snapped.
If mourning the loss of my family wasn’t enough, I was still grieving the betrayal of someone I spent my entire life believing in. I fought the memories that haunted me at night. His smile. The taste of his lips. His hands as they bruised my skin while making love to me.
Eventually, those happier memories began to fade, and anger taking their place. A man who once filled me with so much purpose tainted me with so much pain. I gave birth to our daughter surrounded by wonderful women who blessed our baby girl and held my hand as I cried for her father. For my mother, when the pain became unbearable. But when I heard her little cries for the first time, it made me realize I couldn’t be weak anymore. I couldn’t allow anyone to make me feel like I was nothing. I had a child to take care of—to protect from the evil in the world—and I vowed to show her what true motherly love was, to be the person my mother wasn’t.
Brianne Jake DuPont.
Since my family turned their back on me, I refused to give her my birthname. I gave her Jake’s. One day, she’ll want to meet him, and I’ll have to explain. At least I can give her that.
The sisters allowed me to stay another year and some months after she was born to get back on my feet. I only had the shoes and clothes I brought with me. I worked long hours at grocery stores and libraries, cleaned houses, and tutored local kids—anything to bring in income for my daughter.
Last month, as if the gods were finally shining down on me, Sister Anne came to me with a job opening from a friend of hers. A local business was in dire need of an administrative assistant. Not only was it something I could learn to do, but it offered tuition reimbursement and housing assistance. It wasn’t an Ivy League school, not that I cared about that in the first place, but it would cover the cost of a local college and an apartment.
“I’m proud of you, you know.” I turn at Sister Helen’s voice, finding her standing in the doorway of my room.
“How so? Because I gave up the chance to live a luxurious life and to possibly put my baby in harm’s way if I fail or struggle?” I wipe away a tear. Darn it. I promised myself I was done giving them my tears.
Her smile is comforting. “You won’t fail. And I think you know that. You’re a resilient young woman. Since the day you came to us, I could see such potential in you. A fighter. One who lives off hope and love.”
“Yeah, and look where that got me.”
“It got you Bria. It gave you the freedom to live your own life and become whoever you want to be. It taught you how to be strong and fight for what you believe in.”
My tears fall too fast for me to hide them. “I did fight, and here I am alone, raising my daughter. He doesn’t even care.”
“Life has a strange way of telling us that even though we don’t believe in second chances, we all get them. Believe that God is guiding you to do what’s best for you and your daughter. He doesn’t give you more than you can handle. If your path crosses with Bria’s father’s again one day, believe there is hope in you to do right. And if not, that you’re given the strength to fight for both of you. Bria is lucky to have you. Remember that.”
Sister Helen opens her arms to me, and I wrap myself in her embrace as tears stream down my face. I cry for all she’s done for me and all the days and nights I’ll miss her. We say our goodbyes as everyone gushes and tears up over Bria and me, and with one last gaze at a place that’s felt more like home than the one I lived in for eighteen years, I take my daughter and step out into the world and toward our new life.
Chapter Five
One month later
“Come on! Not today…” I bounce Bria on my hip, needing her to stop crying so I can get her fed before the sitter arrives. I’m running on thin ice at work. If I’m late one more time, I worry they’ll fire me. The job itself is horrible, and I cringe every time my slimy boss calls me into his office. I officially understand why he goes through so many assistants and why this position was open to anyone desperate enough to take it.
“Come on, sweet girl—Mommy’s gotta go. If you’re a good girl, we can watch TV. Yeah, you like TV. All the lights and pretty colors.” She starts to settle and finally latches on to her pacifier. I think her back teeth are coming in, which kept us both up all night.
The doorbell rings, and I yell to Carrie, my babysitter, that it’s unlocked and to come in. “Oh, thank god. I’m running late. She’s super fussy, but just started eating.” I hand her over, my eyes catching spit up over my right shoulder. “Shoot! Um…I’m going to go change real quick, then I gotta run.” I dash into my room and swap out my white dress for a navy blue one. “Oh, don’t forget, I have drinks with some coworkers after work, so I’ll be a bit later tonight.”
“Got it!” Carrie yells back as she sings to Bria.
I make it to work with a minute to spare. I toss my purse under my desk and log into my computer just as my boss enters the office. “Willa, you look extra lovely today. Anything you want to tell me?”
Yeah, I had spit up all over my regular work attire—oh, and you’re a pervert and should be fired. “No, just felt like something a bit fancier.”
“Okay, then. Meet me in my office in five. Looking forward to all your morning intel.” I smile slightly as my insides curdle with disgust.
“I can’t believe you haven’t gone to HR yet. He’s disgusting.” Tracey, my coworker and closest friend, groans as she takes a sip of her beer. The bar is crowded with businesspeople with the same idea: drink many drinks to erase away the day.
I sigh, enjoying the coolness of my vodka and soda as it slides down my throat. I can only allow myself one since I need to get home to Bria, but I’m going to savor every last sip. “I can’t. I need this job.”
“But you don’t need the harassment. Sue his ass. You could live off the settlement money while you look for a better job.”
“I wish it was that easy. So many places require a degree. This is one of the few that doesn’t. I’m kind of stuck until I finish at least two years of school.” Which I plan on starting soon. I spent all weekend filling out forms for the local college.
“Girl, you’re like a machine. I wish I had your stamina.”
“Stamina? More like having a screw loose. Not sure how I’m going to juggle work, a baby, and college—”
“Willa?”
Tracey and I laugh as someone grabs my attention. Smiling, I turn to my right. My eyes land on him, and the glass I’m holding slips from my grip and shatters at my feet as everythin
g sways and goes black.
“Willa, come on. Hey, there you are.” I start to come to. My eyes flutter open. I’m not sure what happened, but I’m now sideways…on the floor.
“Is she okay?” I hear Tracey, and I blink away the confusion.
“What happened?” I grab for the back of my head and find a nice bump.
“You passed out.” That voice brings me back. His face. Those lips. It can’t be…
I struggle out of his hold and climb to my feet. A wave of dizziness washes over me, and I sway to the right. Jake grabs onto me and holds me steady, but I thrust my palms forward and push him off.
“Let go of me,” I snap. My bitter tone comes as a surprise.
His eyes widen in shock. “Hey, sorry, I was just trying to help. I heard your voice…swore it couldn’t be you, but then…I saw you… What are you doing here? I thought...you were traveling?” My world starts to spin and spin and spin. I can’t grab onto reality. “Whoa, you okay—?”
“Stop! Don’t touch me.” I reach for the table to steady myself. How is he here? In front of me? He pulls back, his eyes filled with confusion. His lips thin, and his brow draws down. He opens his mouth to say something, but I can’t hear it. I need to get out of here. I turn to run out of the bar.
Tracey is right on my heels. “Hey, Willa, wait. What just happened in there? Are you okay?” No, I’m far from it. My chest feels heavy. Each breath I take is like shards of glass cutting at my insides.
I turn to face her as the door to the bar opens again, and Jake steps out. “No, I need to go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I turn to run, but two hands quickly grab at my waist, halting me. “Hold up, Willa, what the hell?”