by Nikki Ash
Raising my son by myself has been difficult, but we’ve figured things out together, and now, he’s my best friend.
I know that’s weird to say, that a five-year-old is my best friend, but he really is. He’s my bud, and there’s no one on earth I’d rather be with. We cook dinner together every night. Well, he sits and watches me cook dinner, but we dance to music while doing so. I love waking up to his snuggles, and his hugs good night are my everything.
He might not have come into this world like I had hoped, but God knew it wouldn’t matter, and he was exactly what I needed.
He didn’t give me Leighton though without a constant reminder to go with it. If I ever thought I’d forget what Travis looked like, he made sure that would never happen. Leighton is a spitting image of him. At least, what I remember of him.
He has curly blond hair, where mine is dark and straight. His eyes are crystal blue, like Travis’s, and his skin tone matches his, whereas mine has a paler tone. There’s not a day that goes by where Travis doesn’t cross my mind, just by looking at Leighton. I only hope he has his personality as well and that I raise him to be just as kind as I thought Travis was.
I close the Velcro on his shoe and stand him up. “You ready?”
He reaches for my hand. “Let’s go, Mommy.”
We head out the door and face the next challenge—him wanting to buckle his own car seat. He’s gotten faster, but I’ve learned how to guide him while still making him think he’s doing it himself.
When we finally arrive at the doctor’s office, we make our way to check in. “Hi, we have an appointment with Dr. Rivers.”
“I take it, you’re Leighton?” the kind woman behind the desk asks, coming around and leaning down to speak with him at his level.
“That’s me!” he says proudly.
“You don’t look like you’re five years old,” she says, playfully narrowing her eyes.
“It’s because I’m almost six!” Leighton says.
I laugh. “Not for a few months still.”
She smiles at him. “Well, I’m Sandy. Welcome to our office.” She holds out her hand to shake his and then walks around the counter, back to where she was, gathering the forms for me.
I recently got better health insurance, so even though the community clinics were okay, I’m glad I was able to get in with Dr. Rivers. I’ve heard on the playground that he’s the best around and he really knows how to work with the kids to ease their fears of going to the doctor.
After she copies my ID and insurance card, I make my way to a chair to finish the registration paperwork. Leighton heads to the corner, where a play area is set up. He’s instantly in heaven when he sees the racetrack they offer with the bucket of Hot Wheels to go with it.
Once all of our paperwork is finalized, another woman opens the door and turns to Leighton. “You ready to see how big you are?”
Leighton hops up, running through the door.
I laugh as I follow. “You know how to get their attention, huh?”
“Yep, especially the boys. They always want to see how much they’ve grown.” She shows me a growth chart they have in his paperwork, where they’ll mark his height as he grows. It’s super cute with his name written big across it.
She has him stand tall against the contraption that measures him and then marks it on the chart.
Leighton’s face lights up. “Mom, look. It has my name on it!”
I rub my hand over his curls. “I know. Pretty cool, huh?”
The nurse shows us to the treatment room, where she takes his temperature and blood pressure, and then leaves after letting us know that Dr. Rivers will be in soon.
Only a minute later, the door opens, and my entire world stops. My heart freezes, and my mind goes blank. I glance to Leighton and back to the man standing in the doorway. When our eyes meet, I see exactly what I’m feeling.
He recognizes me.
I know it’s him.
When he looks at Leighton, his face turns pale.
It should. He must feel like he’s looking at a smaller version of himself.
Chapter Seven
We sit in silence as I let everything sink in for the both of us.
How is he here?
I went back to Travis’s restaurant one more time and left my number for them to give to him. After a month went by without hearing from him, I gave up hope and decided if I was going to raise this child on my own, I would need the help of my parents. So, I moved back to my hometown of Rohnert Park, which is about an hour out of San Francisco.
No, my parents weren’t too happy with my life choices, but we can all say without a doubt now that Leighton is the exact joy that we needed in our lives.
I watch as he stares at Leighton, who’s playing with the shirt he’s wearing. It has a sequin design that shows a cat smiling on one side, and when you swipe your hand up the design, it changes to the same cat sticking his tongue out.
He thinks it’s hilarious, and it’s been a distraction right when I’ve needed it a few times now.
Travis picks up the chart again and reads the form I filled out. He closes it, and my heart pounds when he looks at me and asks, “Michelle?”
I take a big inhale and nod. “How are you, Travis?”
“I’m … I’m fine. How have you been?” He’s talking to me, but his eyes keep wandering to Leighton.
“I’ve been good.” I raise my hand to Leighton. “Busy, as you can see. How are you in Rohnert Park?”
“I was about to ask you the same thing.”
“I grew up here. I moved back home when I was pregnant with …” I let my words trail off, not ready to go there yet.
“You’re from here?”
“Yeah. How did you end up here?”
“I was hired out of school to work for Kaiser up the road. I left and started my own practice last year.”
“Yes, you’re spoken of very highly on the playground. I was lucky to get an appointment with you.”
“I’m glad you did.” He inhales, trying to get back to business and not let the shock overtake our moment. He turns to Leighton. “So … tell me about this young man.”
Leighton looks up and smiles brightly at Travis. “Hey, you have the same eyes as me!” Leighton says with excitement, and my heart sinks.
Travis turns to me with a questioning expression that he tries to wipe away. “Yes. Yes, I do.” He holds up his hand for a high five. “Give me five for cool matching eyes.”
Leighton slaps his hand hard, and Travis acts like it hurt him as he laughs.
Travis grabs a stool and sits down while removing the stethoscope from his neck and shows it to Leighton. “Do you know what this is?”
Leighton shakes his head.
“I hold this up to you, and I can listen to your heart. Can you tell me where your heart is?”
Leighton places his hand over his heart like he’s saying the Pledge of Allegiance, which his preschool taught him when discussing going to kindergarten next year.
Travis smiles and nods his head. “Good job. Now, I’m going to hold this up, and what do you think I’m going to hear?”
“When I lay against my mom, I hear a thumping sound. Will it be like that?”
“Yes, it will.” Travis holds it up to Leighton’s chest and smiles when he hears the beat. He takes them out of his ears and holds them up to Leighton. “Do you want to hear?”
Leighton grabs it quickly and puts them in his little ears. When his face lights up, I can’t help but smile, thankful for the distraction, no matter how small it is.
Travis continues his exam of Leighton, and when he opens the chart to make notes, I watch as he stares at the paper, at what I know is the smoking gun, revealed in my own handwriting.
Leighton’s middle name is Travis.
Travis stops what he’s writing and meets my eyes, and then he turns to Leighton and back to me. I close my lids, afraid of what his expression will be, and nod my head slightly. When I open them, Travis�
��s eyes are filling with tears. He quickly blinks them away as he gives me a blank stare.
He takes a large inhale, closing the chart before placing his hands on his knees as he nods his head slowly. When he jumps up off the stool and opens the door without saying anything, my heart stops.
Did he really just walk out on us?
I turn to Leighton, who’s still playing with the stethoscope Travis left in his hands.
I go to stand but am stopped short when the same nurse who brought us in here comes in and holds her hand out to Leighton. “Come here, sweetie. We have a toy box you get to go through when you’ve been good for an appointment.”
Leighton’s eyes light up. “That was it? I’m done?”
The nurse laughs. “That’s it. You did really well, so let’s go pick out the best toy we can find.”
I help Leighton off the exam table, and he rushes to hold her hand. I walk behind them but see Travis standing at the door. He holds his palm up, making it very clear that I am to stay put.
He smiles at Leighton as he leaves, and then he enters the room and shuts the door behind us.
We sit in silence as we stare at each other. The air is so thick that I feel like I’m suffocating. I rub my lips and grip my purse tighter when he steps closer.
“I woke up, and you were gone,” he says, surprising me by going straight for it.
I tilt my head down, ashamed, not sure what to say in response.
“He’s …” He leaves the question hanging there.
I inhale a deep breath and take the leap that I know will change my life from here on out. “Yours.”
He leans back on the counter and crosses his arms. His head is moving like he’s nodding, but I get the feeling it’s more of a shocked response than on purpose. I guess it’s not every day you find out you have a five-year-old you knew nothing about.
“How come you never told me?”
My head snaps up. If there’s one thing I will not feel guilty about, it’s that. “My period is never normal. I spotted the first month, so I never questioned it. It wasn’t until seven weeks later that I felt really sick and went to the doctor. When I knew I was pregnant, I went to your apartment, and you were gone.”
“I moved a few weeks after I graduated,” he says more to himself than to me.
I step toward him, making sure he knew I tried. “I even went to your work. I’m sure they thought I was a stalker.”
“Did you tell them why you needed to reach me?” His expression is covered in pain, and my chest tightens at the sight.
I step back, shaking my head. “I was too ashamed. They said they would never give out your information, so I gave them mine to give to you.”
“They never did.”
I bite my inner lip. “I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to keep the baby, so I figured this was what was meant to be. I moved back home and have been living here ever since.”
“Do you have—” He stops himself and checks out my left hand.
I shake my head. “No. I’m not with anyone.” I tilt my lip up to the side. “He’s the only guy in my life.”
He steps closer to me with hope gleaming in his eyes. “Can we talk? Tonight?”
I grin as I nod my head. “Sure. I’d like that. Let me get my mom to watch Leighton.”
“Leighton …” he says under his breath.
“Do you like it?”
“I love it. It’s unique.”
“He’s a pretty special kid.”
The slight laugh of amazement, disbelief, and shock that escapes his lips makes me laugh. I bet neither of us had any idea how different our days would end versus how they started.
I guess that’s life, constantly throwing you curveballs. If you decide to swing or not is up to you.
A knock on the door startles us both, and Travis turns toward it as it slowly opens.
“Dr. Rivers, sorry to bother you, but your next appointment just threw up all over the floor, and I need to get the bucket that’s in here,” another nurse says.
“Oh, yes. Here.” He opens a cupboard and hands her the bucket.
I take that opportunity to end this conversation until later. “I should grab Leighton and get going. I’m sure you have other patients to see.”
He steps in front of me. “Tonight?”
I tilt my head toward the chart sitting on the counter. “My number is in there. Give me a call. I’ll be ready, say, around six?”
He smiles a genuine smile that eases my anxiety about the moment. “Six it is.”
I walk out of the room with my heart pounding and my breath taken away. For the past years, I wondered if I’d made him up in my head to be this great guy that he really wasn’t. I thought maybe he was more handsome in the bar light than in real life.
I was wrong.
He’s exactly what I remembered, but I’m not sure if my heart can take losing him now that I know what I thought was real.
Chapter Eight
I didn’t tell my parents why I needed them to watch Leighton tonight. I need to process what is going on before I let anyone else know. They’ve been a great help with raising him, but sometimes, their opinions are a little much, and I need to remind them that I’m Leighton’s parent, not them.
I dropped him off an hour ago, and now, I’m pacing my place, wondering if I’m going to be sick as I wait for Travis’s arrival.
When there’s a knock at the door, my chest tightens, and I feel like I’m in quicksand, sinking to the unknown. Once I hear him knock for the second time, I shake myself out of whatever fear is going on inside my head and open the door.
He’s dressed casually in a pair of shorts and a black polo. When my eyes meet his, I can’t help but smile. Every emotion from that night comes rushing back, just by seeing his face.
He has a welcoming spirit that’s contagious, and I just want to curl up in his arms like I did all those years ago and feel that level of comfort again.
“Hi,” he says, snapping me out of my trip down memory lane.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath in before smiling sweetly and opening the door wide for him. “Hi. Please, come in.”
He enters, and I close the door behind him, falling against it as I try to gain my composure because, really, what do you say to the man who impregnated you years ago and you haven’t seen since?
That’s when I notice he’s carrying a bag. “What do you have there?” I ask.
He holds it up for me to see. “I thought we’d eat here, if that’s okay.” He shakes his head from side to side in a wishy-washy way. “I figure we have some pretty personal things to discuss, and doing so in a public place just feels weird, I guess.”
“Oh, yes. Okay, that makes sense. Here.” I walk toward the kitchen and grab some plates. “What did you bring?”
“Italian. I’m hoping you’re good with ravioli and salad. Sorry I didn’t call ahead to ask what you wanted. My staff places my dinner order when I have late patients and having them call you to ask didn’t feel right. I told them to double my order saying I’ll have it for lunch tomorrow as well.”
“Yes, thank you for not having them call me.” I laugh as I place the plates down on the table. “That might have been a little awkward, seeing as how I just met you today.” Our eyes meet, and I add, “I mean, again.”
His lips tilt up slightly at my mishap and how funny it is. This is only my second time seeing him today, yet I carried a part of him with me for nine months and have stared at his mini me every day since.
We dish our plates and sit down. The silence quickly sets in, and I hop up when it gets to be too much.
“Would you like some wine?” I ask, almost knocking over my chair.
I turn my back, so I don’t see his reaction and grab a bottle I have sitting on the rack in my kitchen. When I spin around to hold it up for him to see, he’s standing right there.
“I don’t want you to be nervous,” he says with so much sincerity that I want to melt right here.
I grin as I stop what I’m doing and give in. “I’m sorry. Why does this feel so weird?”
“Well, let’s see. We met one night. Had an amazing time together, even more incredible sex, and then I woke up to an empty apartment with not even a note saying good-bye.”
I sigh, staring up at him through my lashes, ashamed. “Yeah. That. I’m sorry I left.”
He places his hands on my hips. “And I’m sorry you’ve been a single parent ever since then. I feel horrible that I wasn’t there for you. I want to change that. I hope you don’t mind, but I really want to be a part of Leighton’s life. Does he know anything about who his dad is?”
A sharp laugh escapes my lips, but I recover it quickly when I realize this isn’t really a laughing matter. “He knows his middle name is your name. Thankfully, he’s too young still to ask serious questions, so I haven’t had to say more.”
“You haven’t told him anything about me?”
I try to hide my giggles. “I don’t know anything about you. I didn’t even know your last name until today.”
His shoulders sag, and I can tell I hit a sore subject with him.
“Hey.” I nudge his arm. “Don’t be sorry. I’m the one who left, remember?”
“Yeah, but it’s still not okay. You shouldn’t have had to raise a child on your own. I should have made it easier for you to find me.”
“Come on.” I move his large frame to face him back to the table. “There’s no way you could have known.”
He sits down, and I can tell something is weighing very heavily on his mind.
“But I wondered if you could have gotten pregnant,” he says under his breath before looking up to me as I pour our wine.
“Now, why would you have thought that?”
He places his hand over mine, stopping me to make sure I’m paying attention. “When I was cleaning up the next morning, I picked up the condom wrapper. That was when I noticed I’d grabbed the wrong one from my wallet. I’d had that one in there since I was fifteen. It was expired by a few years. I kept it in there as kind of a joke. I thought I had grabbed the newer one I had as my just-in-case backup. So, really, this is all my fault.”